(and that's WS - not FWS)

Anyway: The Policy of Joint Agreement is the one thing my WH is absolutely dead set against. I think he'd be okay with most of the other stuff, but is rock solid against the POJA and NOTHING can change his mind on this.

Why? I think it finally dawned on me. Because POJA assumes going in that hurting your spouse is NOT an acceptable option. It assumes that you go in wanting to protect your spouse and, yes, find solutions that are good for both of you.

But to a WS, your pain means nothing. Therefore, any "solution" that involves pain for you is okay and acceptable for them, and you are just intolerant, selfish and controlling if you won't accept that solution, too.

POJA is a real test of whether you've got a WS or FWS on your hands. WS care less than nothing about hurting you. They don't see your pain and they don't feel it. They don't even know what you're talking about.

FWS do care. They do protect you. And because they're not okay with hurting you, they do use POJA.

Just an observation. I'm sure it's been obvious to everyone else.
Mulan

Yes it is obvious to me now...but it wasn't when I wanted more than life for that one person to care about me.

Sometimes we want something so badly that we are blind to that simple reality.

Mostly I am completely healed, and I have learned so much but there are moments (not very often) where I am almost doubled over in pain from remembering...

but you know what, there is no face to that remembering any longer, only the remembering that I cared for someone and he didn't care for me...sometimes it doesn't even really matter that he couldn't, because there is no face... only the memory of the pain.

And I think it is just the realization which brings the pain back again, that for that time I felt unloveable.

And there is no greater pain than that.

Post deleted by Cherished

Cherished: WH wants me to trust him, to "just relax," be "accepting" and "tolerant" of what he does, "find a way to yes," "be happy with and without him," and understand that when it comes to me "the end of the day is all he has." His words.

Translated, they mean he wants me to be happy about whatever he does and whatever decisions he makes no matter how hurtful they might be to me, as long as they're good for him and he does not have to listen to me complain.

He wants to be able to ignore me for hours and days at a time and then just come home and pick up where he left off when he feels like it, with no questions asked about where he's been or what he's been doing. That's his idea of an ideal marriage.

When asked about POJA, he snarls, "I'll NEVER give you that kind of control."

He is perfectly accepting of "solutions" that hurt me, so he wants me to accept these solutions, too. He honestly sees no reason why I should keep "fighting him" about them. If I would just stop "fighting him", everything would be fine.

He is a textbook Freeloader, right out of the book.

Edited to add: The problem is not that he thinks I don't care about him. He knows very well that I do care about him and about my family, and he uses this to full advantage. The one who cares least will always win, remember?
Mulan