I have just found out my wife has was having an affiar with her boss. All started off with just a few emails. In the end it led to them having sex twice. I was a bit suspicious, and caught them out via an email. ( told the server not to delete emails) I confronted my wife who at 1st tried to deny it. Then she broke down and has told me the truth..right from the beginning. We both want to stay together. We have done a lot of honest talking.
She has resigned from work, the OM agreed that that would be best. I realise that i was part of the cause. Over the last year my sister developed terminal cancer and her so committed suacide, so i had been distracted. Also my wife was a virgin when we meet and has always " been curious " as to what it would be like. questions

1. Will I get over the hurt
2. Will I learn to trust her again
3. Should I tell the Om wife. At this stage no one else knows. If others find out a lot of people will be upset as well. It will cost her / us some friends.

I am sorry what you are going through. I believe it is absolutely essential to inform the OM's wife. First, she has a right to know. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to be informed?
Second, What message are you giving the OM if you keep quiet? Are you saying to him it is acceptable to screw my wife and possibly destroy my marriage without consequences? No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change.
Third, if the OM's wife is informed it makes the chances of an affair restarting much more difficult.

Remember a WW spouse will say anything to put the best possible light on the situation. She has shown you that she is capable of lying to you and cheating on you. By the way, I would strongly suggest that the both of you be tested for STD's. This is very important and also a consequence to having an affair. The bottom line is continue to communicate and certainly inform the OM's wife. When it comes to your wife: trust but verify. In addition, what are the consequence for her having sex with another man? Make it clear what you boundaries are now and what the consequences will be if it happens again.

Ask her how she would be feeling and what her needs would be if the roles were reversed? Does she show true remorse and does she understand how deeply she has hurt you? You need to discuss all of this. I wish you luck.

I am sorry but I meant to add this it is not surprising that
the boss said that it was be for the best if she resigned. Hello...he wants to save his [censored]. He was a married boss and he had sex with a married employee and now he says it is for the best if nobody says anything to his wife and your wife goes away quietly in the night? Meanwhile he has devastated your marriage without consequences. I would think about legal action against him and his company. Again inform his wife.

BVH

1. You can
2. You can
3. You can

First Welcome, I’m sorry you find yourself here.

#1. Expanded

Read, read, and read some more. Read the concepts on the site, buy the book Surviving and Affair. Use them to educate yourself about what you are now going through.

Your immediate future will be a roller coaster, extreme highs and lows. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and take care of yourself.

It’s a process but the pain will end.

#2 Expanded

In time based on your W’s actions and the team work you both do.
Again get the book so you can both learn and formulate a plan.


# 3. Expanded.

With all due respect to Bryan and about 99.8% of the BS’s(Betrayed Spouse) in the world. I don’t always agree with exposing it. If the A continues and or contact with this OM (Other Man) continues I whole heartedly agree, EXPOSE IT!

I never told anyone. In my case the A was over and I never found proof of continued contact. Exposing it would have just served to publicly bring shame on my W (wife), and our M (marriage) and me.

I actually used it as a bartering chip, if there is any more contact, I make that call then!…
The decision to keep quite was difficult, there were times in my anger stage that I wanted to tell his W. By then it would have just been for revenge, not for the right reasons. So I let it go.

Some will and do say the OM’s W has a right to know and keeping it from her is wrong. I agree and won’t argue that point. In my case, that was her problem brought about by her H and affected their M. My priority was MY W and MY M.

Ultimately this is your decision to make, it is a personal choice, think about what is gained and lost by telling and make your decision. Also remember there is no statue of limitations, you can talk anytime so the decision doesn’t have to be made today.

Hang in there,
Oz

Well thanks for that, Believe me i have spent a lot of time reading and researching. And as much if not more talking. We filled out a few of the questionaires last night and went through them. That helped us both. I am not happy at all that the OM has not suffered any consequences as a result of his actions. I do believe the affair is over. The pain is not. today was the 1st day i have been able to come home with out a twisted stomach. If it was not for the fact that my wife and I dont have a lot to gain from telling the OMs wife. In fact in a small town we have a lot to loose. If I could let her know without involving my wife, or if I thought she would not tell the world I would tell her. I think we are lucky in a small way, in that we can fix any problems we had. he is still in the same situation. I think he is very scared of what might happen. Hence he has given her 3 weeks holiday pay when she was not due any.
Thankyou both for your comments. It all helps. we have given it 2 weeks. if either of us feels that progress is not being made we are going to get help.

The OMW needs to know. Who knows - perhaps your FWW is not the first employee that the OM has taken advantage of in that way.

I very much agree with the other posters.

Expose to OMW and to the company. Your WW may not be the first for OM, and if you don't say anything she probably won't be the last.

Recommend you talk to a lawyer about possible legal action against the company.

BVH, who's secret are you portecting by not exposing this to the OM's wife? OM's wife deserves to know. If she tells the world, so what? What are you afraid of? He has already screwed your wife (man, i hate being so blunt), what else is there to lose? OM's wife may also help provide insurance that this won't happen again with your wife, or some other unsuspecting person's wife who happens to be employed there.

He should be quiting his job. This guy has it way too good. Screw the employee, then make her quit to cover his a...

If you're worried about how it might affect you in the small town, then have you considered moving? Maybe moving will help restore some sense of security for you. You may have to be prepared to make some sacrifices to get both of you on solid ground. There are lots of nice places to live.

BVH,

I agree with exposing the A to the OMW. Your W may not have been the first and pobably won't be the last. The OMW's deserves to know.

What WS and OP don't or NEVER consider when they make the choice to engage in sex outside of their M is that they JEOPARDIZE their BS health or lives via sexually transmitted diseases! Not to mention emotional damage that can lasts for eternity.

As the BS, (D-day was 2/1/06)it was extremely difficult, humiliating and embarassing to ask my doctor to be tested for STD. H also got tested which I demanded even though he "thought" the OW was "clean". I told my xWS what I went through that day. H commented "at least now you can relax." I gave him a pierced look and blasted, "WE were lucky! There are wives and husbands who have been cheated on who are NOT so f****** lucky!"

What my XWH or WS is that STDs may not show up until months later or sometimes a few years later especially with women which would require another testing.

So with this, the OMW deserves to know. Her life depends on it.

We're in recovery. And it does get easier. If you haven't yet, you two should seek MC to help get over anger and resentment that can and will engulf in your M while you are rebuilding it.

Good luck.
Stargazelily

BS (me) 46
WH 42