In two more days...it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. I can't help it. I totally ignored it until today when I kept having to write the date on medical stuff...and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
what I was doing...how happy I was...the hope...it was a gorgeous wedding. my father, now deceased, walking me down the aisle with a proud smile. everything was perfect...was.
and then almost four years ago came the change...the fall. my xh's fall into darkness.
he was so different...the man I married. that man. that was the guy. it is like thinking of a loved one long gone, passed away now.
sometimes I wonder when he signs documents at work, when he signs a check, if he knows what day is the day after tomorrow?
it is almost surreal to think of the then vs. the now.
totally surreal.
and on a strange note, I am very happy actually. Very very happy. Happy with my ds and with me. Have been like this for a good while now. True peace comes when you know that you gave your all. I did. I gave my all in the attempt to bring my WS back from the zombie like death that is being a reprobate WS. Ten years is now a swirl of time to me. It is but a blur. I can barely remember the good times. but I can truly remember my wedding day. I remember last summer when his new affair wife, called me lamenting to me her "pain" after he attacked her and she found out yet again of another of his affairs. She cried to me "I NEVER GOT THE WEDDING YOU DID"...she never got the wedding I did. sad sad sad.
But ten years later...the after part..that is now.
I am so different. Yet so much like the old me. I lost myself for about 3 years. Three years. Just gone. I was sad beyond words...those were dark days and I do not miss them.
Now I am more like the Pre-Marriage me. Happy go lucky. Able to giggle and find little things amusing each day. Thrilled and overjoyed to see my child smile and to get a daily hug from him. He's my best friend and I am so blessed to have that little miracle in my life.
Ironically, I am dating seriously my college bf. He actually knows about the "day" thing. He asked me if I was ok. He is soooo awesome. He said that it's ok to feel pain over it...I told him that it just is sickening to see what was discarded. He said sweetly to me tonight..."Maybe Peach, there was always somebody meant for you...somebody else and you didn't know it? could it be that this man who was so vastly different from you, a guy who never read books, who had little formal education past high school, was never really the ONE? Could it be that maybe there is that person there now?" I teared up. He said that my xh is not anything like me. That he was actually in shock when he had found out I'd married him...And then my bf said to me tonight as I was out running, letting off steam this..."You'll never have to ever face these kind of demons ever again. They are gone. Forever gone. You're finally with me...somebody who's known you so long and will always treat you and your child well. did I not always treat you with respect, love and kindness? Maybe there was A DIFFERENT PATH ALL ALONG FOR BOTH OF US. I like where it's going."
To think that 10 years later..I would be divorced still freaks me out. It is not who I am. I never signed up for this. It is not who I aspired to be...a divorcee. But it is better than the alternative. To be in a relationship with somebody in love WITH THEMSELVES. Somebody who never knows a flip about YOUR emotional needs. Never validates you. Belittles you to elevate themselves. And doesn't think twice about ripping apart all a family that a little boy knows.
I guess tonight when I ran, I felt such deep and profound sadness b/c IT DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN. None of it did. And yes, I truly believe if my xh wakes up ever from this vicious and evil fog that surrounds him, he will be a sad and broken man beyond repair. should he ever...ever be able to grasp what has happened that he brought about. I was sad tonight for the hope we once had. For the love that was once so strong. For the future we could have had.
But then again, sometimes unanswered prayers are best. After all, I am going in a week to visit my bf for three whole days. He has been scouting large law firms here. He's wanting to fly in to look at lake properties/homes. And when I am with him, I feel equally at peace as I do when it's just me and my ds. My ds is gonna love him. He is one guy that I think and know without a doubt my ds will admire and love.
Back home, ironically, in the same well known photography studio, on several displays are still our wedding pictures. They were that good. And there is a huge portrait of me..my bridal portrait. One of my girlfriends saw it last month back home when she went in for a consult with her gf getting married (they're sorority sisters from college) they saw them. My friend S, teared up. She said it was like seeing a ghost.
I am truly happy now. Fulfilled even. I actually HAVE EN'S GETTING MET! who'dve thought that would happen after what I lived thru huh? I get em' met quite nicely btw <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
But forever haunted I will be when I remember what happened on a late April evening...it was such a lovely and starry night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
