I have been reading this website for 4 months. My situation is very similar to most. Married 24 years, 3 children 20, 19, 10. Found out about WH’s EA at Christmas…don’t know if PA. Suspected all of 2005. WH began drinking heavily spring of 2005.

Lied about EA until I had the phone records. Lied to MC. I had a session with Steve Harley last week and WH was to have session today. He cancelled. Said he looked at the sight and knew that Steve would tell him to stop contact and he can’t.

She is his receptionist, 20 years younger (he is 49, she is 29). He owns his own business, about 6 employees. He has complete power to fix this thing. After 4 months of going nowhere on the issue of getting rid of her he says its because she needs the money (BTW a very poor employee with abysmal attendance) I suggested he write a large ($20,000) check to her to get her thru. (She makes $30,000/year). Tonight he says he cannot let her go but can’t express why in words. Claims he doesn’t love her, loves me.

I asked him to leave because this is causing me so much stress, weight loss, sick, etc. Today he looked for apartments. He is tearing our family apart for a receptionist he says he doesn’t love? I think I know what you all will say, but I want to hear it anyway. I have tried and failed at Plan A up to this point because of his denial in the face of proof, passive aggressiveness, and protectiveness of her.

If we separate, what kind of plan should I follow? I have already exposed to office manager, and meaningful friends of ours. His mom knows in general terms but I hesitate to tell her too much due to health concerns for her. OW is not married.

I am too stunned right now to even think straight. Tonight was the most he ever admitted to regarding his attachment to her and it hurt like HE**. He still says he wants to work on our marriage but I should just do that and ignore the fact that she works for him. I told him I would not enable his relationship with her. HELP.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It's a good place to be under the circumstances.

I think it was a mistake to ask him to leave. That usually doesn't help the marriage at all. Your husband is just being the typical WH - they tend to lie about these things. It is very hard to deal with.

It sounds like she is using your husband by having an inappropriate relationship with him. Then she feels she can get away with poor work. Too bad he is buying it.

He may be having a mid-life crisis. He must realize that she would not be interested in him if he was not the boss.

I would suggest doing a great Plan A, for about 3 months, and then moving to Plan B.

Also he is taking a HUGE chance of a lawsuit. He must know better, but is in the "fog", as we call it around here.

Thanks for the welcome, wish I didn't need it. Everything you said is right on the money. I have thought of every possible angle. I have stated all of the above to him.....he just shuts the steel door over his brain.

My problem is Plan A.....I have tried many times to implement and always mess up. When I spoke to Steve, he understood. I can detach easier than Plan A but I feel Plan A may be the answer right now.

I never in a million years would have thought he would choose to move rather than get rid of this bimbo.

I hope asking him to move out does not help this progress into a PA if it has already not gone there.

There is a great thread on Plan A on the Just Found Out section of this forum.

Plan A is not easy, but it worth a shot. Dr. Harley says to set a time limit for it and be prepared at the end of that time to get into Plan B.

Thanks. I am going to try Plan A with all my heart and soul. I do not know why it is so hard for me. Those that know about this situation are completely shocked and can't even fathom a Plan A.
Last night after he got home from work, I told him he could wait to move until our son finishes the school year. Then I plan A'd the rest of the night. Sometimes I thought I would choke or burst into tears.

Can someone help me with guidelines to Plan A while the WH and OP work together all day....small office.....she is very needy and he is her knight. How does one not go crazy each morning when WH leaves for work? I cry just thinking about his day about to begin with her again. This is why Plan A is so difficult for me. He is a conflict avoider and will fence sit and cake eat until the cows come home.

I do believe I would be up at that office every day. Make your self look your very best. Bake cookies and drop by. Take a picnic lunch and invite him to the park. Be there as much as you possibly can. Do not speak to our engage her at all.

Make sure home is as welcoming as possible for him. Make you and your home look so much more attractive to him.

Thanks for the advice. I have tried this before. The other girls in the office are all very nice and we all like each other. My husband seems sort of nervous when I do this (he is tending to patients). He says he gets worried that she and I will have a confrontation. We have had 3 already, 2 in December when I first found out and one 2 weeks ago when I had to ask her to stay off my daughters web pages (requested by my daughter).

She absolutely goes toe to toe with me. Not shy about it at all. All three times, she told me to get out of the office even though she was more out of control than I. None of these confrontations were in front of any patients. These were during times when they were alone in the office together. She has an obvious possessiveness about my H. 2 weeks ago, H stood behind her reception desk with her on the last confrontation while she told me to get out. Then he stayed alone with her for over an hour, never called me to see how I was after she was so rude to me. Then when he left the office, she called me to rumble some more and I told her I would not speak to her and to never dial my number again.

It is way too hard to see her sitting there, like the queen, knowing she is way overpaid, has my husband in her back pocket and he likes it this way. This is killing me.

I have no additional advice, but based on what you have said, why do you think there has been no PA? I have a hard time believing that in your situation.

Actually, I don't know for sure. I guess I am just taking the word of a liar. He is home at night as he likes to point out, but night time is not the only time for sex. This really suxs.

Yes, it does suck and I am sorry this is happening to you.

I don't mean to make it worse, but I would be shocked if there is no PA here. There is too much opportunity and it's gone on too long. I hope I am wrong.

I hope you are snooping as hard as you can to see if you can get details.

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. But, it sounds like a full-blown PA. His actions are speaking much louder than words. I think letting him stay in the house is allowing him to be a cake-eater. Maybe letting him suffer the consequences of not being around you and the children in the house would wake him up.

I don't even want to think about a PA....I am so sad already. I do believe he is cake eating, but contrary to my natural reaction to have him move out (he was willing to do so on Monday....looked at apartments), I decided to at least try Plan A one more time. I suggested he wait until our 10yo is done with the school year.

I have a session on Wed with Steve Harley again....I hope he can help me. I think my husband loves me in the comfortable way but loves her in the endorphin filled romantic mid life crisis way. Which do you think is stronger? I don't think it is the comfortable one.

My H almost told me something on Monday night (he was drinking) when I asked him why he couldn't just give her a years salary as severance and allow me to heal mentally and physically. He could not, I think because of the pain he would cause me. He said "don't make me say it" and "I can't put it into words". Now in a normal brain state, he doesn't have anything to say except that he cares for all of his employees. (Tell that to the ones who have been let go in the past!!)

If it is not a PA it is for sure an EA....I have plenty of proof of EA and am talking to the office manager who wants her gone too. I am at the end of my mental rope and physically wasting away.