I can't go home - the law says

Now I am talking to my attorney about that and we will have to fight for it, but he thinks I could win because I am the main bread winner, i have examples of my wifes affair, and that I do most of the domestic support around the house... but we will have to fight for it.

So I brought the kids home from school so my W could work at her dream job, well I went into her (our) room to check to see if any condom's were missing, 10 seconds later she walked in, got really angry told me to stay our of her stuff and never wants me at the house again.

Was what I was doing disrespectful or with in my rights since she is talking and see another man and I don't know if they are having a PA yet.

If she didn't have anything to hide, would she be upset?

Have your attorney press the issue. You need to get home, Vik, and you need to do it as soon as you can.

Is your attorney taking steps to get you back into your house? That is the most important thing.

And no, it is not disrespectful to go into your own room. It is disrespectful to HAVE AN AFFAIR.

So we have had an interesting weekend.. on Friday I took the kids to church for a movie night. My W went out after her dream job... I thought it was with the OM. I took the kids home and waited for her, she was suppose to be home at 10 but didn't get home until 11:30..... she said she felt very dizzy and almost passed out, unfortunately I did a little LB becasue I accussed her of being with OM but instead she was with Gym friends.... So I left frustrated, she called me and asked if we can be civil for our kids.

She is still very pissed off at me snooping.

Now saturday she calls me and says she going to ER... I immediately go home to take care of the kids, the night before she asked me to not to come until sunday to take them to church..... So I spent the day with the kids, I had a great time with them, something I use to take for granted and when kids were kids and got on each other I was short to cut them off with a strong voice and sturn warning, now I am very calm with them and my oldest daughter noticed and says I yell a lot less.... I have also notice a change in the kids response when I ask.

Anyways, I had to take my daughter to 4-H and stay with there with her. One of my wifes friends was there also and I found out that she has a similiar situation to my, she was talking to someone while her husband was away and she said some the same things my wife has said, about neglect and not being their for the family. It was a interesting time because I heard things from wifes friends about her side of the story that I haven't heard from the W.

I might have said to much about MB and the principals that I am following as this is a friend of my W I think our conversation got back to her, and I talked up the situation with the OM. I never talked bad about my W, but did talk negative about the OM - the player.

So my wife was diagnoised with severe inner ear inflamation and a cycst on one of her overies, she stayed at her mom's last night and I stay at the house wit the kids.

I got paniced last night that I thought she was out with the OM, even knowing she was very tired and sick, so I wrestled the kids up and took a drive, guess what. No OM no activity what so ever..... How do you get over the fear and be paranoid?????

So Sunday I took the kids to church, took them roller skating, and then offered to take my W to a important meeting for her dream job, but she decide to drive herself.

So I have done all her laundry, most of the kids laundry, made all the beds, and vaccumed the house.

When she gets back tonight and going to say good night and leave, she has been asking for some time and space, without conflict and I haven't been able to deliver that.

I have exposed to more people the EA that my wife is having, which I think is dying down because of the hours my wife has to dedicate to the kids and her job, she has less time to cling to OM and the saw the OM's vehicle at the bars again, he took sometime off to talk to my W. So he seems to be on the prawl again..

I am now worried that my wife isn't having an affair but truely doesn't love me and wants to have her freedom back. and she has two flaws, 1) she avoids conflict and doesn't deal with it very well 2) she has never forgived anyone of anythings. People that have know her for 9 years say she doesn't forgive, she withdrawls and steams over it. I can testify to that.

Well thought I would post an update

Viking, you're reacting to your wife instead of being proactive. Folks have given you some pretty good advice. How about you start working on a solution instead of getting worked up so badly. It's not helping at a time when you could be doing so much. Are you going to get control of yourself and get to work? We'll be here for you, but you've got to set up a plan and get to work on it, pardner. Let us know what you want to do.

So I hope I have committed myself to a proper plan A...

I don't hestiate to mention the hurt I feel when she talks to the OM.

I have exposed her relationship to friends, she almost seems not to care, since she insist its just a friend..

My problem is that a lot of things she has said I needed to fix and change, I have. My daughter told me a story last summer about how they would put a plate out for dinner for me and pretend I was there and talk to me as if I was... while I was working. Since that time I have been home for almost every dinner, and our kids who use not to say a dinner prayer, say one with me there. but she doesn't make them..... and she is the one that brought me back into the church.

So I have not LB since Friday and I have been trying to be supportive of her while she is not feeling well.

When you say proactive I thought I was being proactive on some of the things I was doing, but your right I am also being reactive since I am trying to find opportunities to meet her needs.

So please if you could provide some more examples of being proactive, let me know.

My W is playing our of the WS hadnbook, she got upset with me about talking to our oldest about the OM, but she told my oldest last year about my infidelity and my daughter was very upset with me for a long time, unlike her mother she moved on. But I think its another example of her revising our history.

viking, have you spoken to your W's parents and told them about the affair? What about your pastor? Are there any key people who have influence over her?

And secondly, what is your attorney doing to get you back in your house so you can work on your marriage? Is he helping you protect your finances?

It would be helpful if you would start looking for ways to disrupt this affair. You are making it very easy for her to have an affair.

I think you did the right thing talking to your oldest about the affair. As long as it was age appropriate and you explained to him/her the moral ramifications of adultery. Kids know this is wrong and need moral guidance.

viking, and you should NOT deliver that. You should deliver as much CONFLICT as possible to her AFFAIR. When she asks for "space," she means she is asking for "space" to carry on her affair. Let her know that you will not give her the space to carry on an affair.

You should NOT help her have an affair. Got that, viking? And moving out to give her "space" does exactly that.

When can you go home?

Viking, you are being proactive about some things but you're still reacting to every unexpected absence with panic and anger. You’ve got to let that level off or you’re going to start hurting your children with the mood swings. How about going to your doctor, explaining to him/her what you’re going through and get a prescription for anti-depressants? That’ll help a lot.

A great proactive step was getting your attorney. Not only did you begin to receive legitimate legal advice, you found out you were in a stronger position than you thought. That’s great. I hope your attorney gets that letter out soon warning the OM of your intention to file for alienation of affection. I suspect OM is going to start backing off REAL soon after he gets that. Stay on your attorney to get that letter out ASAP.

Another proactive step is the anti-depressants I mentioned above. Go get the medical help you need. Like your attorney, I expect your doctor can be more helpful than you imagine. A third proactive measure would be to set up a coherent plan for marital recovery. I put a sample of such a plan on a thread started by Larry_Daniels a couple of days ago. His thread can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Scroll down until you see my post on the plan. I only reference this to give you an idea of what can be done. What I put together is not all-inclusive and it’s not tailored for your particular circumstances, but it should give you an idea of where you can go.

Like Melody said, you need to get back home so you can do a good Plan A. How’s that coming? Is your attorney working hard on that too? Have you considered getting some individual counseling to begin working on yourself? Find one who might also do couples counseling, is experienced with cases of infidelity, and (very important) is pro-marriage.

I’m concerned about a couple of things. First, you mentioned your WW was going out until very late with “gym friends.” That’s a red flag to me. Second, I can’t figure out where WW and OM met unless it was at that bar at which you mentioned he’s now reappeared. A lot of barhopping, for want of a better term, is not a good sign.

Also, why are you baby-sitting for her while she goes out drinking? Does that make sense? Can you say “enabler?” By the way, a sudden interest in improving one’s physical shape and conditioning is one of the possible signals of an affair in progress.

Okay, enough for one post. Hang in there, Viking. You’ve started addressing your problems and that’s great. No wound ever gets better by leaving it alone and allowing it to fester. Hang in there, pardner.

So my W has a nextel I have the GPS service turned on her phone I can track her phone minute by minute so I know if she is where she says she is....

So my W doesn't drink if she drives... So I over reacted - but I think everyone her understands why - when she went out with the gymnastics friends, I would rather her be surrounded by good people than out with the OM.

I am also realizing, from talking to friends that have worked and know my wife for at least 10 years, that a lot of what is going on is not me. My wife is selfish and wants things for her. So she is 32yr old, but we got married when she was 20, had our first child at 21, was in the military, moved to a state neither of us had friends or family. I worked like a dog to get her nice house nice things and thought I was doing things right.

Now, part of my own past. I believe my family is very disfuntional and I promised myself not to have a family like that... where no one says I love you and expression of feelings is not shown, where individuals wants and needs are meet before the families...... well you guys have probably already guessed it. I have a relationship with my W that is similiar to my mom and dad's. Dad worked to provide for the family and did so to avoid conflict and the hardships of marriage.... I went down that same path, I believe my wife did try and tell me that in the past, but her own inability to communicate and she avoids conflicts hadn't reached my inner thoughts.

Well they now have, and I have been praying and focusing on that for a long time. but my wife has letting go issues, she has lost several friends because the smallest injustice (she thinks) leaves her with such resentment and anger she moves on.

So I have talked to my lay leader and friends at church, they knew some of what was going on but they didn't know the relationship with the OM. My pastor actually told me that I need to give her time and space.... but our lay leader told me he was absolutely wrong, christians need to confront and hold up their values rather than taking the wait and see approach.

I worry that this pressure is going to start causing more health problems for my W. She said while she was at the hospital they had her on a EKG and whenever they started talking about what was going on in her life, the thing would alarm, she even told me she blames my snooping and her fear of me (I don't know why she fears me other than finding out about the OM) for her medical problems.

I can't wait to get the medical bill, for all the test they performed on her, cat scan, blood work, examinse.... I want her to see what it would cost if my insurance didn't pay for it... She is looking at Blue Cross Blue Shield for after the my healthcoverage ends for her.... its not going to be very sweet of a deal.

I am getting nervous for on the 11th I get our latest cell phone bill, last month she talked 3500 minutes, 3000 of them with the OM most of them her calling him. Now this month she talked 2700 minutes a good bit to OM, but he called her... Its just goig to be sad to see the call record details..... but I can say that he has called her a LOT less since my intervention and her having to stay home with the kids a lot more....

I am just still worried about the OM leaving and my W still has nothing to do with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

viking, be assured that this affair has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her poor choices. Almost ALL waywards try to claim that their affair has "nothing" to do with the current state of affairs. But think how silly that is. There is nothing more harmful to a marriage than an affair. NOTHING. Nor are you responsible for her affair. So get the notion out of your head that this has anything to do with you. That is nonsense.

I am completely disgusted at your pastor. It is not biblical to sit by idly while sin takes place. Your W wants "space" for one reason and one reason only: TO CARRY ON AN AFFAIR. There is nothing Christian about accommodating evil that leads to the destruction of your family.



Did that guilt trip "work?" Was she able to successfully manipulate you into believing this so you would stop catching her in her affair?

And I ask again, viking, how are you going to get back into your home so you can save your marriage?

Viking, your wife and you both could stand a strong dose of individual counseling to resolve past (childhood) issues. You're trying to rectify any problems dating from that time but some professional help couldn't hurt. Maybe some of the same will kick start your wife's recovery too.

Good on you for going to your church. I'm disappointed with your pastor's reaction but your lay leader's response is dead on target. Will he contact your WW and attempt to counsel her? Ask him to. It could be highly effective. Your pastor's advice is 180 degrees off. Your wife's adultery is only 6 weeks old. Swift action (confrontation, exposure, and Plan A) can stop the progress of the adultery.

Who's next for exposure? Have you found anyone on the OM's side yet to put some pressure on this? Don't overlook his workplace. With that many minutes used up on your WW's cell, it stands to reason he's probably been using company time to conduct his predatory stalking.

Viking, see if you can confirm your wife's story about the EKG. Frankly, it sounds to me like an attempt to manipulate you into backing off on the intelligence gathering and exposure. I can easily be wrong on that issue, but adulterous spouses are aliens beamed down from the mother ship. The rule of thumb is that when an alien's mouth is moving, it is lying. Take everything she says with more than a grain of salt, okay?

Ya gotta love that GPS feature on Nextel huh? It's a great addition to your intelligence operation. Can you get a keylogger on any computer she uses? If she figures out the cell phone is a security risk for her fantasy, she may switch to emailing OM or using IM to send messages.

Viking, I understand your concern about the future even if the OM is out of the picture. Your marriage needs a lot of work. The thing is, the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley contains techniques for you and your spouse to make your marriage stronger and better than it ever has been. For talking purposes, the first half of that book talks about busting up affairs and the last half talks about making marriages better after an affair.

Pardner, put your worries aside on this issue for the time being. You can't do anything about it until you get the adultery broken up so don't stress yourself out on it. It's just not productive right now. You can deal with that when the time comes.

Stay with your plan, Viking. Everyone here at MB is rooting for you.

Thanks guys I am ad addict now to MB and its a good addiction.

The OM has no family near and is self employeed handyman/contractor. They guys he works with all are divorced or cheating its kinda of the adultery gang.

Yeah I got a keylogger on her machine... matter of fact I am on her machine right now.

Took the kids fishing today, had an excellent time. Spent over an hour out there, its right next to the house. Another stunning thing she is willing to through away.

We have had some financial problem because of the house we are in and our old house not selling for 18 months. So we got in a bind financially, we I didn't take care of things before they got out of hand. So we got some nasty notes from creditor's, which is is an issue with my W.
When we first got married we had a vehicle repossed while we were in the military. Yet again me trying to buy what ever she wanted. So finances is something that she is always concerned about but always likes to spend money.

Well I found out today our Mortgage company is going to modify our loan to take our late payments and spread it across the loan, that was the last thing that I needed to take care of to get all our finances in order.

We aren't out of the woods yet, we have another year on some cars and loans before we start seeing our savings grow but right now we are surviving. Which pisses me off that I am taking care of the things that bother her, and they are things I should have done previously.

I talked to my father tonight, I informed him of the OM. My family only know we are separated, but he now knows about the OM.

I am planning on meeting the lawyer next week, first I was going to have him draft up the separation paperwork. I think now i am going to have him provide me with action plan to do the following.

1) Send OM a letter telling to have no contact with my wife
or family. Or face Civil action under NC laws about
alienation of affection - funny they call the law to sue
the OP "alien"
2) How I can get back into the house
3) How I can get custody of my kids or at least 50%
4) How I can keep the house and provide little support for
the W. So I can continue to keep the house at least
until it sells

I have read surviving the affair - found it very good
Its sitting on my W dresser unopened

I also got the 5 langues of love, read it
Sitting on my wifes dresser unopened

I have read after the affair, guess where its at.

I cleaned a couple of more rooms in the house today, I also did dish's (that were left in the sink).

Kids are bathed and ready for bed... when she had them and tried to avoid dealing with me the kids weren't in bed before 9pm.

That was when I was continuely love busting or spying on her. Today before she left for gymnastics I was pleasant and tried to keep it lite, but she just looked at me with the evil eyes and I smiled back.... think it pissed her off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I also offered because she is suppose to be resting and not working so much... I offered to come to the house at 6am to get the kids up and take them to school allowing her to sleep an extra two hours.... but she turne that offer down.

She is trying to be very indepedent and trying to avoid me and things I provide at all cost.

Left her the debt card for our account but it hasn't been accessed for a week, I think she is livign off of her paychecks which wont last to long.

I honestly don't know what I could do about her parents dad has no weight with her and mom seems to be a bit of an enabler

Well, you've identified one of her big emotional needs (EN) that may come into play later on...that of financial security. I think she's already come up against it when she saw how little her dream job is paying. You may want to consider pulling back that debit card. Make her use up her own resources and come up against the wall that much sooner.

Is she contributing half of the mortgage payment from her income? She should. She's the one who made you move out. It's because of her you have to pay rent now. I don't know if you want to make a point of this, but even mentioning it might put pressure on the affair and every little bit more pressure is a good thing.

What's the story on exposing at her workplace? Have you thought about that in detail?

Okay let me share our financial analysis with you

My income last year 232,000.00
Here income last year 1200.00

So as you can see I am the breadwinner by a bit.

I always was proud of not needing her to work to have the things we have, she was suppose to be doing things at home, but she didn't and I think that is part the reason I went outside the marriage years ago to have my cake.

But I want to assure you all I am dedicate to my marriage and wife. She does me a lot to me and is why I will try as hard and long as I can.

I just worry what if the relationship turns PA - that is going to destroy me, even though I know I did something similiar. What hurts is when she found out I stopped and I changed - she knows that.

But now with this going after I confronted her its pretty hard to take.

LOL

Okay, she can't contribute half the mortgage huh? Even I can see that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Any thoughts on exposing at her workplace?

Very good! Now you are on the right track!



Might this be overkill, viking? Meeting her needs doesn't mean being a doormat and this almost reaches that level. I like the other stuff you are doing.


I would pick up that debit card so she doesn't plunder the account. She can pay for her own expenses.


i would tell them about the affair and ask for their help and influence in saving your marriage. Even though her dad might not have any weight, he needs to know what is going on. Sometimes just the fact that others KNOW causes great conflict in the affair, and that is what you want.

You are doing good, viking! Just get yourself back in that house!!

So a quick update from last night.... I got the kids bathed and in bed before she got home.... I put out a drink and napkin and spoon for her and as I heard her come in I turned on the microwave to warm some soup up for her.

She asked me what I was doing and I said I am making you some soup, she snapped I didn't ask you to do that. I said I know but I wanted to do it anyways.

I waited in the kitchen for the microwave to be done, she came in and looked at me and said are you leaving, I said I was waiting for the soup to be done. Then she gave me the look of being pissed so I said good by to my oldest and walked out without starting anything with her and went on my merry way.

One of the interesting things about being on a good plan A and working through your own thoughts and actions is that I feel more at peace with myself now. For the past two nights I slept soundly and didn't wake in panic or rush to the computer to see if her cell phone minutes had increased.... which last week everynight she would talk 40 minutes or so with the OM. Since she has been so tired she hasn't talked to him. I also think (hope) that he is getting tired of her not being available to go hang out with him. So he is going out and doing his own thing.

I do worry though that she might have gotten a second cell phone for her private conversations.... I also think when she plans on meeting him she will turn off her nextel because she knows I can track that.....

Longhorn, you'll like this. Since I know she will turn off her phone to so I can't track her. I took my daughter's nextel which she doesn't use and turned on GPS tracking on that. Once I get a chance I am going to put the other Nextel in my wifes SUV in the back under all her trash plugged into a cigarette lighter and will have a GPS tracker in her vehicle that hopefully she wont find out about. So even if her phone is off I will know about were she is at... it wont be as accurate because it wont be real GPS but it will be within a mile of where she at.

I tried to move my lawyers appt up to this week but he is in court this week, so I am going to hold onto my appt next week, same day we have MC.

So something else that I thought about that made me mad about my W(alien) attitude, was that I have been talking to my oldest about what her mom is doing and what I think of the OM... Age appropriate. My wife is mad at me for doing that and I should leave the kids out of this.... but back in August when we had a split and were going down this same path, she told my daughter that I had slept with another person and that my wife was very mad and hurt by me. My daughter told me recently she had hated me after her mom told her that and only recently started to forgive me. So how is it okay for her to do it but not for me?

Its not I know, but its more evidence that she is in a fog and on the alien mothership.

She was pissed about the soup, but I doubt she was able to sustain it for even a few seconds after you left. No big deal. Maybe next time, just push the timer button, tell her the soup is there, then smile and walk away? That way she has no focus point for her anger.

As far as a GPS device, heck, here's a good one that you might find on Ebay or HALF.com for less than the retail price. I wouldn't count on your daughter's Nextel providing you enough information. You might not have it in the car the one day you need it there or WW might just clean out the car. Adulterers do things to make themselves (and their possessions) attractive to their partner in adultery. When you're done with the GPS tracker, btw, you can sell it on line to another person who needs it.

Check it out:

http://www.landairsea.com/


Keep on your attorney about getting back into your home. She doesn't want you home because she won't be as free to continue her affair, but the old saw about "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is abject nonsense. Absence makes adulterers more comfortable and allows them freedom to indulge themselves. Your children deserve a full-time father, and you deserve the right to attract her back to the marriage.

One more time: how's the exposure coming? What about exposing her at her workplace? Before you ask, no…since it's so important, I won't quit asking.

Yes, she will tell the kids about your frailties and gloss over, or ignore, her own. Some day, she'll understand how wrong that was, but that day has not come. Don't expect little things like logical analysis from your wayward wife right now. She's incapable of it. As an analogy, you wouldn't expect a drunk alcoholic to be able to engage you in a reasonable discussion about the dangers of drunk driving, would you? Unfortunately, the addiction of the adultery is too similar to a physical addiction for comfort.

Hang tough, Viking. As you said, just knowing you are doing something to fight makes all the difference in the world.