So here is my afternoon update.... for the first time since 1994, I ran 8.5 miles for lunch and felt great. I am down 34 lbs since March 31st.

To give you a perspective in august I dropped from 299 to 270 in about 3 weeks from emotional rollercoaster I lost because I stopped eating and panicking....

This time I am on a regiment and diet, its lean but its a diet that will get me to my goal. I want to be down to 225 and get my marine corps build back.

You know EVERY person I walk by says how great I look, I even got some looks from some young ladies in the gym.... don't worry I am focused on the prize.... even my daughters say I look good, but nothing from the W... but that is expected.

I just can't wait until this summer when she ask me to come to the pool to watch the girls so she can go to her job, I walk in and then she will know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The second nextel will always be in her car so as long as she doesn't discover it I will always have a second receiver in her car.

I pretty sure their is no opportunity for her to meet him during the week, its the weekend I worry about. I already go plans friday and saturday night so its up to her to get her mom or someone to watch the kids, if she goes out with him. She should be staying home in bed.

She works at the preschool at our church and most of them know most of what is going on. She has already told them that i am over reacting about her friend and its more aboutt her and I.... I have go back to those people and explained what is going on and they are very shocked and saddened by her action, since she is suppose to be a christian. I talked to her boss and we agreed not to be bluent about the exposure at work, since she might just get up and quite, but they are going to start showing her some christian love and start trying to get her to think more about her decision.

One thing I need to point, the things I say I am doing as part of Plan A - cleaning, shopping, dish's, laundry... those are all things I have been doing since august. But her complaint now is that I am trying to do everything...
I have tried to ask her how we can share the work, but when we talked about it and split the chores her's were never done, so I continued to do it.

I am concerned that she has gotten comfortable in that I will always be there and no matter what she does I will be there...... I was thinking really how long I need to be in Plan A, since I have been doing even before this A started... I want to start thinking of Plan B in june that would be 3 months after D-day and good 7 months of actually doing it....

I want to tie that in with a custody and me getting back into the house hearing... almost like a ton of bricks for her to think about

Okay, let me get this straight. You agreed with her boss she shouldn't be outed because she might get upset and quit, right? Viking, you (and her boss) are doing one h3ll of a job of shielding her from the consequences of her adultery. I did a search on your thread and found several instances where you were warned against that.

Don't treat her like a child, Viking. SHE made the cruel choice to indulge herself with a selfish adultery and SHE has to "suffer" the indignity of facing it. If there is no consequence, there is no learning process and no incentive to change. Viking, are you kidding us? Come on, quit shielding her from the consequences of her choices.

Getting into shape is one of the things you do in Plan A. Don’t wait for the summer. Be putting your shirt on after attending to something the next time she comes in the door. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I’m uneasy about you doing all the chores even though she should be doing some of them. Again, you’re treating her with kid gloves and more like a child than a functioning adult. Plan A is not designed for you to become a doormat or upstairs maid for your WW. I’m inclined to suggest you do the chores you said you’d do…and gently remind her of the ones she hasn’t done. She’ll say she’s too busy. You remind her you don’t live there but you want to move home.

I don’t know if you’ve read SAA. If you haven’t, you need to. Seriously, you NEED to. Anyway, if you read the sections on Plans A and B, the first item on Dr. Harley’s checklists for both of those plans is “set a time limit.” That's my way of transitioning into saying I think it's great you have determined an approximate time frame for ending Plan A and beginning Plan B. You're getting your recovery plan together and working it nicely.

Let’s hope your Plan A works and your WW agrees to NC and begins working energetically on the marriage. Sometimes it does work; Dr. Harley says about 15% of the time. You are going to be able to do a fantastic Plan B though. Your WW is not going to like being “out in the cold” one darn bit. A ton of bricks indeed.

I’m not sure I understand what you mean by “tying that to a hearing.” You don’t anticipate being back in the family home before June?

So I meet with the lawyer tomorrow to go over the letter to the OM, that is all I can afford right now.

Next week I go to the lawyer to talk about custody and moving back into the house and that will probably take a court order that will take 1-2 weeks to schedule... I am assuming all this and will have more information next week about the actual legal steps to get the kids and the house back.

next week I will have a war chess so I can go to the lawyer and have enough money to get my action plan done. I think I have to be preemptive on the lawyer and the cost since by law we both have equal access and right to our maritial accounts.

I think what I meant to say about her boss and outing at work is that she has already admitted to them that she has talked to other men not just this one but they are all friends.

So question is what should I suggest to people that I expose to do, call her up and call her an adultress or when the are presented an opportunity to talk to her they can tell them how sad they are and think she should consider the kids and the family before she makes any decisions.....

On a side note because we have talked so much about alien abductions I know visuallize my wife with a trout head when she talks and its all blah blah blah lie lie lie, its very humorous.

I am starting to feel that my wife has gotten a secret phone since he doesn't text page her anymore and that her minutes have really dropped off especially at night... so I can be assured how much contact she is having with him.

How since she has been extremely tired since last week and he usually talked after the kids went to bed it could just be a lull.

I will wait and see, it would be nice that she did go the secret phone route, because that would tell me that she is not as serious as I think she might be about this guy.

I know that is going to gain me some flaming but how many times does a Plan A go too far in outing and upsetting the balance in a marriage, but if this is 100% her and I issues and this guy is a sidenote, I know its a important side not but at the sametime it could just a sidenote....

Would measured response rather than the nuclear option be wise as you navigate through this mind field.

Okay, waiting on a war chest is better than not having a war chest at all. Preemptive is a good thing. I don't know a single betrayed spouse out here who gained a THING by waiting to see what fate dealt him or her.

About exposure: I don't know anymore where you are on that. Do you have a list prepared or are you finished with exposure? If you're going to do another round of it, you make sure you have your thoughts lined up. You review the emails, IM's, phone records, whatever you have. Then you sit down and talk with the person you are exposing to...or call, or email. Personal contact works best. I personally like calling spades shovels. It's how I am. It's a personal preference but you decide whether you want to call it adultery or an affair. What you do is take a deep breath and just launch.

How about this? I just threw it together after I read your post. "I'm sorry I have to tell you this, FIL, but your daughter is (having an emotional affair)/(committing adultery) with a man she met __________. “ Sometime in the discussion, you make a point of saying something to get across the information that, “I love my wife and I want her back and I hope you will do everything you can to urge her to stop this obscenity and commit wholeheartedly to a better marriage and to her children." I hope that gives you a starting point.

I don't have a clue why you say you hope she's got an affair phone now. (It happens often enough we have a term for it.) It means they are still in contact and it means she's learning how to conceal her adultery from you. It means the affair is going to deepen. Why in the world is that a good thing? Actually, it means she's getting MORE serious about him.

You keep assuming you’ve done something to bring about this adultery. You haven’t. Nothing you have done caused it. Betrayed spouses do not cause their partners to commit adultery. The most culpability they have is that they may not have done all they could have to prevent the adultery. While your wife can blame you and “everything” you’ve done for (XX) years, the fact is SHE chose to address a perceived problem by going outside the marriage. Nothing justifies that. Nothing.

Your marriage has two problems. The first, and the most dangerous, is her adultery. The two of you need to fix that. Once a recommitment has been made, then you begin to work on all the other weaknesses that have built up through the years. I think this process can start soon after NC is permanently in place. Professional counselors can help you through this. Find yourself a pro-marriage counselor who is experienced with infidelity in addition to all the other problems a family encounters. Then work on it.

By “Plan A” going to far, I assume you mean exposure? The answer is no. Exposed spouses often threaten to leave. You’ll hear things like this: “I can never trust you again…I thought you loved me but no one who did could do what you just did…I was going to work on the marriage but now I see there’s nothing to work on.” Etc., etc.

While many threaten to leave, very few actually do. Of those who leave, most are soon back. Angry, prickly as a porcupine, and not a little defiant…but back home so the BS can do a good Plan A. I can only think of one case in the almost two years I’ve been on MB where the wife moved out after exposure and stayed away. Frankly, the exposure only moved up the date she was going to move.

Measured response? What kind of “measured response” are you considering? Again, is that a question about exposure?

Oh, and visualizing your wife as an alien is an excellent technique. I like the fish-head thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry I didn't read my post as clear, I am hoping that she didn't get a affair phone, if she is still using the nextel knowing that it can be tracked, knowing i can see inbound text messages then its not as secretive as if she got a pay as you go then its a full blown affair and PA probable is occuring.

Her mother and father have heard me talk about the text messages and I even read some of them to them while they lived with us a few weeks. So they are aware of what type of relationship this is.

Now the 3rd day that i was out of the house, my W, daughters , MIL and the OM went to the park and went fishing. That through me to the ground, I found out because my daughters told me....

Now my MIL didn't know the details at that time but she know s them now. So I am not sure what she thinks of this whole thing. I am really counting her family our right now.

I am working on friends and church member's. Our lay leader friend and his wife have called the house a couple of time trying to get up with my W but she wont return their calls. but I think they are going to go over to the house and try and see her.

So I am also documenting that she has been perscribed medication for her vertigo and inner-ear inflamation and was referred to a neurologist... but she isn't taking the meds for the vertigo because she needs to drive and she hasn't made the doctors appt for the follow up. Lawyer says that will help my case in custody - if she is not willing to take care of herself how is she going to take care of the kids.

Yeah I have another round of exposing to do and this one will hit all her close friends and people that she cares about closely thus it will destroy her.

Do I go into some detail about her EA, like the 3000 minutes phone bill and the text messages he sends her? Do I provie any detail or do I just expose the EA and let me people make up their own mine.... Everyone I tell about the 3000 minutes all come to the same conclusion, that its not normal and that something is up with her and him

Whew! That's better. Affair phones are nothing to be wished for.

You're doing well on the exposure list and I think your MIL has about the right amount of information. As you say, the tremendous amount of minutes she's using up on line makes an affair self-evident. You might also point out that time is time taken away from your children and the marriage.

You can also speak of some of the things the two partners in adultery have discussed, but just enough to make it clear what is going on. There’s no need to get into the more seamy ones, but I don’t think it would be wrong to refer to “other, more graphic” emails (and/or text messages) you have in your possession. After a little of that, perhaps you close off the discussion of that with something to the effect that “other (emails, etc.) make it clear what they were planning.”

You do not show them the emails or any of the other proof. You’re not in court and you don’t have to produce evidence to show the jury.

Do the lay minister and church members also have the information your MIL has? My point is, your message should be uniform. You don’t tell one person about phone calls only, for instance, another about IM’s, still another about her meeting him, etc. If they compare notes, they should all know the same points.

The medication problem is a side issue I wouldn’t bring up in exposure because it serves no point. That’s for your attorney to deal with. Aside from the infidelity, I think he could go after a Protection Order to keep your son (a) away from the other man, and (b) out of any car in which she is the driver. I cannot believe she’s driving him around in that condition.

Stay with it, Viking. You're coming along very well. We can tell.

Its wednesday and last wednesday she had lunch with the OM so now I have it in the back of my mind that wednesday's are their day.... I am also concerned because she freely offered up that I picke the kids up from school... which gives her more free time after her preschool job. So I am going to be very curious about what takes place this afternoon.

I was going to ask her to pick the kids up because of my lawyer appt. Which I didn't get a chance to ask.

So I am going to monitor her nextel GPS and see what happens. I already have a plan with a friend that if she goes and see's him I am going to go out there, in a car she doesn't recognize and see what happens.... now this is all subjective to her going out to see him. If she stays on town and hangs out with her mom that then I know she isn't trying to be with this OM that much.

Will have to wait and see

Viking, finding out where she is going is excellent. But Mister, if you can't hang on to your temper, don't even THINK about going out there yourself. I know Marines. I have a nephew recently promoted to Captain in the Corps and I've watched him put his company through its paces. You can do yourself and your children incredible harm if you start acting like a Marine this afternoon. DON’T DO IT!

Have you considered asking your friend to take along a quality digital camera on his sleuthing? Catching a shot of WW kissing OM, for instance, goes a LONG way with a family court judge, particularly in your state.

It's great you are seeing your attorney this afternoon. You're fighting for your family and that's an important step. As you remarked already, seeing your wife as an actual alien and beginning to work on this is infinitely better than letting life shove you around.

Hang tough, pardner.

I have no temper for her, I am very calm around stressful situations.

I have been checking her phone and she is not going anywhere near where she needs to be to see him.

She actually went over to her mom's for a bit after work, she could still be there.

Then she has to go to work at gymnastics at 3:30 and its now 2:00 so another day of opportunity that she had that she didn't take.... but I am still suspcious that her cell conversations dropped of so sudden with him.... but she is still using the nextel for other phone calls.....

I almost think she doesn't have a affair phone, because she has stated so confidenly that we are separated and she can date and see who she wants because we are "separated"... but we haven't legally separated but I know that doesn't matter.

How about some digital recorders hidden (very well hidden, I should say) somewhere near the land-line phones? Also, any chance of visitors during those periods you aren't at home? What does she do at gymnastics? Ask these questions of yourself, Viking. Remember, this is an alien and aliens lie.

Here's a link you may find interesting on methods in conducting a good intelligence operation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


It may give you some ideas.

So I saw the lawyer today...

I told him that I don't want to talk about separation or divorce anymore with him... I initially setup the appt to talk about separation paperwork, if the W wants it she can get it done. I am not going to talk or act like a divorcee. I am in this for the survival of my marriage.

So he is drafting up a bluent hardnose legal letter to the OM. It will state that if he doesn't immediately stop all contact with my W and family via any means that I will take him to court under the alienation of affection laws in north carolina.

He is also going to put into the letter some details that I have learned about him that will scare him. I know his out of state employer, the one that he makes most of his money with while he is doing construction/handyman work her. We will also mention that we will contact the IRS about other employers and taking his tax return. I believe he doesn't file taxes all his income is cash or under the table.... so having the IRS looking into him should scare him.

So the lawyer will have a draft to me tomorrow.

I thinking that I will go down to the sheriff office and have them deliver the document to the OM, similiar to being served court paper's... best 25$ I could spend.

The next thing I am going to do with the lawyer is have him draft a letter up to the W, explaining our next actions.

Custody
Moving me back into the house
No alimony

This will be part of my kick off of Plan B.....

Having this come from the lawyer rather than me writing a little note saying please play nice, will through her thru the floor.

So I was able to place the second nextel in her car tonight, it might be a bit tricky since she cleaned out the back for groceries the other day but I don't think I need it in there longer that a week before I know where this is going.


So I was home with the girls tonight, went fishing, was awesome usually my oldest catch's all the fish but tonight all 3 of them caught fish's and they were SO happy it was great... at times like that I like to take a picture with my camera and just send it to the W, Makes her think of what I am doing and what she is mising... hopefully that isn't a LB

So I made her some pizza for dinner, similiar to the dinner I made last night.

This night she was a bit nicer, she even said good night to me.

I am preparing to expose to a friend of her that she has always had a crush on, he also has flirted with her of the years, I am going to bring up that and the fact that this time she is straying and not me

quick note the second nextel in the card is reporting its GPS position rather than a trangleization of cell towers... what does this mean, I will know the accuracy of the vehicle within 30 feet rather than 1-2 miles

You're doing good work, Viking. I don't understand how it's going to work on the letter to your wife to get her out of the house, gain custody, etc. I was under the impression you had to do that as part of a separation/divorce petition, but that's what you have an attorney for.

For corporate memory, please keep us updated on that alienation of affection letter, as well as what your attorney tells you about the statute, how it works, etc. It's very interesting.

I like the IRS thing. That was your attorney's idea? I'm beginning to see this twerp is going to be running for the hills REAL soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the exposure. I don't know how it'll work with someone in the flirter's category, but every bit of pressure will help.

30 feet on the Nextel is accurate enough for your purposes. The lastest GPS trackers can narrow it down to a few feet but this is fine. You've bought the latest city map, right? How does this work? You have a website you go to in order to track the other phone, or can you access the data from your cell?

No, taking a picture and showing her what she's missing isn't a LB. It's part of Plan A...making yourself and the family a more attractive place.

So nextel will provides you a street level map of the location of the phone... then I use google earth (free) to get a visual on the location.

The IRS thing was my idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The great thing about the alienation of affection statute is its not about adultry its about breaking up a marriage and it can apply to anyone, I could file a suit against my inlaws in I wanted to for breaking up my marriage, if they had suggested it to their daughter.

So I am going to take a breather from exposure and see how carrot side of plan A goes.

One thing I see this separation is doing for us its breaking each of us of our codepedences, me dependent on her emotional support and her on my financial support. She opened her own bank account and is managing her own money which she said she always wanted to do but never did always leaving it up to me.

Here is the context of my lawyer's letter to the OM....

Dear <OM>:

I have been retained by <BS> regarding a civil action against you for Alienation of Affections and/or Criminal Conversation. <BS> is married to <WW>, and there is abundant evidence to support a Civil Summons and Complaint against you for Alienation of Affections and/or Criminal Conversation. In my opinion, your relationship with my client’s wife is exposing you to considerable civil liability. I am satisfied that I can prove to a Jury that you have knowingly sought a relationship with my client’s wife even to the point of proposing marriage to her. If your conduct continues, I intend to file a Civil Summons and Complaint in the <local county> Civil Superior Court seeking both compensatory and punitive damages. If successful in obtaining a Judgment for compensatory and/or punitive damages, I intend to seek to collect on the Judgment in any lawful manner.

I would urge you to seek legal advice immediately regarding your continued relationship with <WW>. If you should need to speak to me, you can contact me at your convenience.

====

So he is going to send this out to the OM in the next couple of days.

Her nextel has been off all day..... but the second one in her car is receiving fine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

They had lunch today, a co-worker drove me over there we waited for her and him to leave, I video taped. It all look so innocent. She dropped him off back and his work site and then she we

Mmmmmmmmmmmm. I love it!

Boy wouldn't it be great if your attorney got that out today? It would arrive just in time for the weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're doing a great job at this sleuthing thing, Viking. Someday, you should do a thread recounting your experiences. If you catch a loving embrace (Yek!) or a kiss in that or a future video, your attorney is going to have an easy time representing you before a family court judge.

Your post was cut off, btw. What happened after she dropped him off?

Kudos, pardner. You've got things well in hand now.

Well after she dropped him off me and my driver <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> went by his place of work, its a old building that is be gutted and redone, he is in construction. So I got his license plate number for my records.

There was no embrace, there was no kiss, it was very friendly, they walked out of the restraunt they weren't close or clingy like someone dating or hot for each other.

She did give the parking lot a good scan, I think she was looking for my vehicle but we didn't take my vehicle.

So I am not going to focus on the OM but on me and my wife.

I know she is going to be upset when the letter gets delivered and she is going to go back not talking to me and being mad... she started talking to me more... a few more sentences her and there.

She asked to go shopping this weekend for some summer close and I suggested she get the kids and her some shorts and other things..... I am rethinking this and I am going to tell her that I will take the girls shopping myself and have them try on and get some cloths for themselves, and she can just get her cloths on her own..... starting down the path that it is going to me and the girls.

I am wondering if I should have my lawyer draft up a second letter to my W.... stating that he has been retained as my attorney, that I am interested in saving the marriage but that I have retained him to protect the family and our assest..... and have this letter sent to her about the same time as his letter.

I really think she needs a dose of reality.

If we aren't talking how do I communicate to her that I wan our marriage to survive and grow.

Do I write her a letter, leave her notes on her car, text message a little note.

Then I have the issue of the OM

Do it one step at a time, Viking, just like you're doing it.

The first thing you have to do is get the OM kicked out of the picture and I suspect he will be gone in a couple of days. He can't afford to fight a legal battle he's going to lose and he knows it. He'll run like a possum with the hounds chasing. That will do two things. First, it breaks up the affair FAST. Second, she sees him in an unflattering light and that forces a crack to develop in her fantasy world.

Her temper is going to ignite when she finds out what happened...if she finds out. OM may just take off in his truck and not come back. If he gets in contact with her, she's not going to be happy. You interfered in her fantasy relationship.

You’ll need to be ready with assurances (which she won’t accept) that you did it because you love her and you did what you had to do to get that third person out of the marriage that is for only you and her. Hit that from as many angles as you can think of. Remember Pepperband’s “Carrot And Stick” of Plan A? Respectfully let her know you’re doing all this so you and she can build a better marriage than it was before. Every time she starts in on how bad it was before (remember she's rewritten history in her mind), you return the same mantra. You love her and you want to be married to her for the rest of your life. You can agree the marriage had its problems before. You don’t want to go back to the same marriage you had either. Tell her you want to work with her to make it better than it’s ever been.

As far as letters, notes, etc., I think you’ll be better off if you tend more toward respect than loving strokes and tender phrases. She’s not ready for love letters, notes, or warm text messages yet and won’t be for some time. Baby steps. Work on improving the communication in routine matters before trying affectionate messages.

So tonight....

I fished with the girls, did a couple loads of laundry both the kids and her's. I vaccumed two rooms and did the dish's all in about an two hours....

So when she gets home, remember we are separated, she told the girls that they were going to gymnastics camp with her this summer.... now we had discussed that we wouldn't talk about things we were going to do with the girls until we talked to each other - since she wants to be separated and divorced.

I got a little upset and told her that I thought didn't know if I wanted the girls going to that summer camp the whole time, that maybe I would like to do stuff with them.

She got a pissy look on her face and sat down to eat the dinner I fixed her....

I wanted to talk to her about this issue with doing things with the girls, I asked my daughters to go to bed and leave the room my oldest just sat there saying I am old enough to listen, I then asked her again to go so W and I could talk, she gave me some more attitude and instead of starting something with my W and her (wife just sat their didn't correct her daughter bad attitude) I said okay I will leave and talk to you guys tomorrow...

daughter called a few minutes later while I was in the car to apologize - at least her mom got her to do that. I told her I was dissapointed that she was disrespectable but still loved her.

Then about 10 minutes later her mom called and wanted to know what my beef was, I told her that we are co-parents and we need respect each other and not make decision about the girls before talking to the other....

I then injected that I am all about working on the things I broke in the marriage and want the marriage to work, she then said what marriage - I said I know its pretty bad but I want to make it better, better than it ever was.

before the separation I wouldn't have had any problem... but now its one of those selfish things I am tired of.

So we talked for about 20 minutes about the girls and what were going to do next year about school, I said it really depends on where I am staying... she is in fantasy land and doesn't think about her own needs and wants... So I asked her how her gas in her big SUV was doing and hoping that she wasn't being wasteful..... it was a setup on my part.

She gave well all I do is go from preschool to home, to school to get the girls and back, I said oh really well I wish you could be honest with me, she said what did that mean. I so wanted to tell her that I knew about her lunch date this week and last, and that it probably used a 1/4 tank of gas for her to go out on meet the OM at his work site.

but I didn't, I told her I wish she could be honest with me and that I need to go, that really through her back. because I didn't reveal why I thought she was being dishonest.

Was that okay or was that being mean?

The letter from the lawyer goes out certified mail tomorrow