Three years ago my husband had an affair that lasted for three months and then ended it. I did not know this girl, but she lived in our neighborhood. She began trying to build a friendship with me to stay close to my husband. He told me many times not to get close to her, but I saw no reason not be friends. A year ago I found out from her best friend whom she had told. She had made plans during those three months of the affair to pack my clothes and belongings and have them moved out of my house. I am very active in my church. My husband was not saved at the time of the affair, but went to a Promise Keeper convention and came to know the Lord. Unknowing to the affair, I encouraged her family to join our church. After finding out, our pastor talked to all of us and I really felt like I had forgiven everything. Here is my problem: I read Dr. Harley's book "How to Survive an Affair" and felt the best thing for us to do was to have "no contact". My husband asked her to quit calling and coming by several times. She always seems to be wherever we are. Our kids play ball together, they still live in our neighborhood (our house is for sale), we go to church together, her and I sing in the choir together. I found out recently that I had helped her pick out the sexy underclothing to seduce my husband in. Can't I forgive her without having to be her best friend? I have told her to leave me alone. Every time I see her, I picture my husband with her. My pastor tells me that I have not forgiven her and if I can't be friends with her then God can't forgive me. He thinks she hung the moon. He is constantly putting them on committees together. I just can't understand. My husband wants to do whatever will help me to forget, but we can't leave town. She does things just to aggrivate me and her husband is fine with everything. I have never been a suicidal person, but honestly I have thought about it lately because I can't live in this misery for the rest of my life.

Have you asked an elder of the church to meet with you and the Pastor? <P>I'm sure this is a tough field to plow. Perhaps with the elder there, you may feel like you are being heard.<P>Sounds to me that you have your husband's support in this matter.<P>

"god won't forgive you if you won't be friends with her" ????<BR>oh, my. <BR>yes, perhaps a church elder would have a different opinion.<BR>are there any other churches you could go to?

oops, double post.<p>[This message has been edited by love WAS blind (edited October 01, 1999).]

Where in the Bible does it say that forgivness = friendship? That's nuts. Sounds like you are being very Christian about the whole thing, and much more gracious than she deserves. She asked you to help pick out lingerie (SP?) And then she used it with your husband??? That's just ugly! <BR>Stay away from her, get a restraining order, do anything it takes to keep her away from you and your H. She's not a stable person obviously and seems to be obsessed with your H. I'd even suggest finding a different church. If you Pastor knows the whole story and actually puts her and your H together on projects, he doesn't have a whole lot of dicsernment. Shame on him! How can you even worship with her there? <BR>I feel so bad for your situation. And I was a betrayer! It sounds as though your husband is being wonderful through all of this, and it sounds like you have forgiven him. Good for you! You are going to be fine. Just get away from this Creep! ( If I can use that word here.) Do whatever it takes. Keep us posted.

I don't think this Pastor knows what he is doing or talking about. Maybe its time to find another church... You really don't need to constantly be in the same place as the OW. I can imagine how uncomfortable this must be for you. You are only human and the feelings you feel are natural.

I had an after thought. Read Katya's posts about what she did to the other woman. While I disagree with the way she handled her situation, ( but hey, to each his own...) I think she might be on to something here for you. This woman isn't going to quit and she's had fair warning.

Sbelle,<P> Look, I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the Pastor's words and actions. that is very hard for me to do. <P> Where is Faith, Hope, Love when we need her, you may want to go back and find her posts on the forgiveness work book. <P> I think you have done well. The Lord knows I would be a liar if I said I could have what you have w/o getting more than a little, well, let's just say snippy and leave it at that.<P> God will make a way for you. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

I see the Pastor's point. Jesus hung on the cross and said forgive them for they know not what they do. He would have embraced everyone of them given the chance. The very definition of Christianity is To Be Christ Like. And that is what we strive for. Peace in the midst of chaos...Unfortunately we are not Christ and do not have his love for all mankind and therefor agree with everyone that the Pastor's advice was not sound. (I said I see his point not agree with it)

Er...there's forgiveness, and there's different committees too. <P>Depends on how important your activites are to you. I personally would find another church if I was met with such condemnation under the circumstances; however, if you choose to stay, perhaps another attempt at explaining the gravity of the situation with your minister (with H present). If he continues to ignore the problem, talk to someone on the council.<P>I was stunned reading that she shopped with YOU while picking out lingerie for assignations with your H. That's a sign of a very twisted mind.<P>Have you considered confronting her about her behavior? Risky, but might do the trick if you present yourself as quite the lady while telling her in a determined tone to buzz off.<P>Is her H aware of what happened?<BR>