Okay, I understand your attitudes and feelings better now. I think, and have thought for some time, your wife does badly need some shock to her comfortable life such as what you describe that friend of hers did. Your wife is sitting squarely on that fence and has been feasting on cake for a while now. To let it go on too much longer will be to allow her to get more fixed in her “married, but single” attitudes and I think it will only get worse. Strong action, making her understand she can’t get her EN’s met if she’s not a part of the marriage, is precisely what I think will break this stalemate.

This isn't a Plan B letter because you're not going into Plan B, btw. It's a statement of where you are and where you want to go and it does quite well in that respect. Plan B may be necessary if she decides to move out, but the mere fact she has to go to her parents and do without your daily support, including meeting her EN for financial security, may make Plan B unnecessary.

You’re going to do this by letter or email? Is that because she will react better to the written word rather than sitting down to talk about it or is this to set the stage for a sit down later on?

A couple of points.

I would change "lost your love for me" to "you feel you've lost your love for me." The first implies something final and irretrievable while the latter says her feelings can be changed.

Also, “demise of the marriage” has very negative connotations. I’d change that to something about “the problems/difficulties in our marriage.” Demise indicates something is gone…dead and buried. I don’t think you want to leave that impression with her.

Finally, a typo. “…saying with your parents…” should be “…staying with your parents…”

So I was thinking of leaving this letter at the house tomorrow night so that after I leave when she gets back from her job she would have it, then have it for the long weekend. Right now I think she will have the girls all weekend. Sunday they are going to the lake with friends to go for a boat ride and hang out at the lake. Saturday and monday I think they are just going to the pool - the pool I pay for <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So here is the final...

I write this letter with a heavy heart, my soul and spirits are at their lowest points ever. Over the past year I have tried to be a better husband and fix the problems from the past. I provided you with all the material items you wanted but I didn’t provide you with a strong husband and friend. Though I have seen my error and truly want to fix it, you feel you've lost your love for me. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the the problems/difficulties in our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my precious wife, is and will be my main focus. You will always come first

Here is what I need to do in order to rectify our current financial problems: I need to move back into the house by June 1st to avoid further financial problems. If that is too difficult for you, I would suggest you staying with your parents while I stay in our home and continue to be the primary financial provider for our children. I know how you feel about me moving back home, I will take any action necessary to be there for the girls and take care of their needs, including my legal options. If you decide to stay in the house with the girls and I, we will have both have to set the example for the girls. That means honesty, truth, civility and no dating outside of our marriage.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to start work on our marriage and are willing to construct a plan to build a foundation for our marriage. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

Good letter. Go with it. I see why you're making it a letter instead of a conversation late tomorrow night. You're the one "on the ground" and you know what's best for your interaction with her.

I suggest you frontload your attorney with what you're telling her so he won't be surprised later on by anything coming down the pike.

Since your wife and daughters have plans for the weekend, why don't you do some Plan A things for yourself...or have you already decided a hammock strung between two trees is the finest thing you can do for yourself? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I plan on doing some running and reading I got a new book, "Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage".

Option 1 is to give it to her tomorrow and let her sit on it over the weekend - might ruin her weekend thinking about it

Option 2 is give it to email it to her monday and let her have a few days before the first to think about it.

I would expect since I didn't do a Plan B no contact clause that she will call me up after reading it saying how controlling and manipulative I am... I am wondering if I should put in a breaker in there that says.....

I don't need to know any answer's right away, so please take the weekend to think and reflect on what you decide to do. When your ready I will sit down and talk to you about this and anything else.

The mind picture I’ve built up of your wife from your words is growing. Yeah, I suspect when she reads that she will have a couple of choice words she would like to convey to you.

The timing on delivery is completely up to you. Again, you're the guy in the foxhole waiting on incoming fire. You know her best, and you know what you need too. If a little R&R for you is in order, well...make your plans accordingly. Don’t make your plans based on shielding your wife from an unpleasant weekend; it needs to be about you for a change.

I think I will add the tag line to the end of the letter.

I am going to the kids concert tonight and I briging flowers for the girls and a card for my wife.... again I am still in plan a mode.

I have no need for foxholes, I am strong now and know that the only way to survive is standing tall and being able to take what comes.

My wife always complains about me being cocky or arrogant its really just self confidence, which I have a ton of except around her. That is something that I will need to change I will be confident but not arrogant.

Excellent.

So last night was interesting.....

Went to kids concert sat behind wife and MIL, girls did an awesome job. Oldest did flute solo and singing solo. The other two did a great job as well. I got to talk to them at the end walked them to the car and kissed them goodnight, did not have 1 word with W.

So I was on my way to where I am staying - its about 1.5 hours from the school, it was about 9:30PM went through downton (little town) and saw Guy#1 car and one of the local redneck bar..... So I decide to go in and just make sure he understood the letter. I walked in and we said hey and I bought a round for him and my W's co-worker's STBEXH... this family is straight out of a trailer park.... anyways Guy#1 is a former marine as well, and we talked for a bit and then started talking about W.... it was very interesting to hear what he said, basically my wife talked to him about herself the entire time, he said it was all me me me me that He heard from her. He realized that she was high maintenance and he admitted that he was just looking for sex and a good time from her because she was like a teenager all over the place when they talked.

He has moved on, or was always moving with other woman and they haven't talked in over a month and he has no inclination to talk to her and he actually wished me the best of luck, I told him that she was talking to Guy#2 the whole time she was talking to him.

So I didn't leave teh bar until 12:30. I text paged my wife at 1 am that I had talked to him, since I know it would probably have gotten back to her anyways.

Question when I deliver the letter to my wife should I stay and let her talk about it tonight or let her reflect on it for some time??? I would love to talk about it, but at the same time I think she needs reflection

I wouldn't stay. You're writing a letter to have a little bit of a "cut out" and reduce the personal impact. I'd let her read, absorb it, and react to it as she will. If you stay, you might just as well sit down with her and give it all to her verbally.

BTW, OM isn't a good old boy just out for a good time. He knew your wife was married and still dishonored the marriage by attempting to intrude into it. I would always think of him in that context.

Thanks... I will let her absorb and yeah I know what he is but I wanted to do some more recon and intel so I feel better about my position.....

You know I really feel low about having to do this to my wife because of her decisions and non action

I know you feel that way, Viking. I would too.

Unfortunately, you cannot shield her from the consequences of her choices. If you do, you reinforce her sense of entitlement, her disrespect for the marriage and you, and her feeling she has a right to self-indulgence.

As OM#1 noted last night, everything in her world is about her. That cycle must be broken or she will become even more self-centered. It hasn't hurt your daughters too badly yet, but it will.

No, sir, don't feel low, you're just doing a job that has to be done for the good of everyone concerned. Marines have been doing that since they were first organized. Hang in there, pardner.

So I had a good talk this afternoon with my wife and it surrounded her new dream. The local radio station is hiring an new morning show personality and she is going to go for it. Now she is gorgous and has a great personality and could do it, but she is already talking like they are going to select her and she hasn't even applied yet.... and then she is thinking how many opportunities it would create for her.

So my wife isn't having an affair or anything close to that but she is very into herself and I see this creating a lot of fog and her thinking she doesn't need me anymore which could very well be the case.

I pretty sure that I will be going fully into plan B next week and I will be filling for custody for my children soon there after

Very sad, Viking. She's not in an active adultery at this moment, but she's just out of one, and you only just thwarted another. If OM#2 had not been an honorable man, she would have been deeply involved with him right now.

I notice she’s quite willing to talk to you and engage in conversation when the subject is her and her dreams. I’d bet she was the same when discussing her last “dream job.” Evidently, that one has soured on her, and the radio job (if she gets it) will also. I have a brother who worked in that field for many years and it’s a lot of hard work, strange hours, and poor working conditions.

Like you, I suspect you’re going to have to go into Plan B to shake her out of the comfortable bubble she’s constructed around herself. It’s unfortunate she will not see the destruction she’s causing. Enjoy your weekend, Viking. Do some things for you the next few days.

okay it didn't take long for her to contact me... i was on the way back to my pad and she rang me several times.... then she had my oldest daughter beep me on the nextel an I answered because I thought she was at her friends house... wife immedately got on and said what was meant by the letter....

I first asked if we could talk about it tomorrow... then she started attacked..

what do all these threats mean... now you can read the letter in previous post, the only line in the whole thing was about take a legal option..

She then said how I have used our kids in this... I pointed out that WE discussed that we had to take our oldest out of lesson, which would kill her, and we discussed that I would tell her it was my decision because of finances.... but it was HER that came behind me and whispered in her ear that she would pay for it... how I don't know... but if that is not using our kids as a pawn

Then she was the one that scream in front of the kids about how is screwed another person and did this and did that, in front of my two oldest daughters.

She then asked what I thought would happen because of all these threats??? what threats

She then said... well well, I contacted a lawyer today and I did this and I did that... I know for a fact she didn't contact no one. she used 10 minutes on her cell phone today and those were to me....

She then told me that she was so hardened against me because of my infidelity two years ago that she could never find love for me again... I said Iam sorry she feels that way, but I am still about the marriage.

She then was going down the path of well you signed a letter when we first separated that says I will give her all property and proceeds from our house, which I did and which is not valid because of my mental condition at the time.. lawyer already knows about it and says its not valid.

So I have gone through all the options with my lawyer, she is through up smoke... I might loose on some of the property stuff but i already gave it up to her.... its the custody that will really be freak her out. With her selfish statements about what she wants to do with her career. I can just have that documented and the legal system will just say well you wouldn't have time for your kids if you do all this.. so we will just let the father have the girls he is already established and is already taking care of the kids... that will kill her I know but I don't know what else to do.... she again said in every statement my girls, my stuff, my life, my my my my... that is all I hear from her.

I think next week after I meet with the lawyer I got dark dark plan B

Well, you knew it was going to happen. She said things you had rehearsed in your mind and were ready for, right? It’s sad she's being so true to form. WS’s are known for their self-centered viewpoint though. You have to expect it.

You’re going to let her mull things over for the weekend? Her bluff about talking to an attorney didn’t work, but she may well try to see one on Monday. Have you secured your finances so she can’t loot your joint accounts to retain one? WS’s have been known to do that, you know.

I’m sorry she’s putting you in a position where you have to go through the legal system, but I think it was almost inevitable. Stay with it, pardner. It’ll get worse, but then it’ll get better and you’ll come out on the other side a better, stronger man than you went into this.

yeah I am at the point of thinking not about her but my girls so let her do what she thinks is best

Then it's near time for Plan B, but remember most Plan A's do go to Plan B. It's here where the wayward spouse comes face to face with the stark realization of how many of their EN's have been being met by the betrayed spouse. WS's find out quickly how cold and cruel it is out there without the support of their spouses. It's by no means 100% effective, but if your spouse is going to yank herself out of the fog and become a reasoning human being again, this is where she'll do it. Stay strong and get some rest this weekend, Viking.

BTW, she used your daughter as a pawn by having her daughter use the nextel function to get you to respond. I'll bet she didn't see that though, did she? <sigh>

Well I will have to wait and see.... What surprises me is that she knows that I have already used a lawyer once and that I once I get locked in on a plan I will follow through with it.

So she says that I am "threatening her" by saying I am going the legal route... So its not like I am saying I am going to beat your a#$ or do anything like that... Iam telling her that I have talked to a lawyer and i know my options and I don't want to but I am ready to go down that path if she doesn't give a little more thought to her decisions.

I think I will send her my full plan B letter this weekend.

The only thing is that I have to have contact with her about the girls.. but that will be it. All other issue with be handled by my lawyer.... Knowing my wife that will freak her out because I will plan a around the girls and plan b around the rest of her.. no conversation about what I will do will freak her out.

Why do we have to go down a path of hurting the one we love to show them that we love them.

So my lawyer last I talked to him told me not to give her any money... but I need to pay for food and stuff, should I ask my wife to provide receipts and I will reimburse her on expenses for the girls?

I don't understand. If your attorney doesn't want you to give her money (because she already has a job?), why would you be paying for food, etc.?

paying for the kids, he doesn't want me to give her anything that would be considered alimony until we negotiate our separation. That is why I also know she hasn't seen a lawyer on her own... if they heard what I have offered in my initial self done separation they would tell her to take it and run. She also doesn't have anything to stand on with the way of custody. I am an equal provider to the girls