I'm new here. Have been lurking for awhile though.

I understand why you would want to expose, to kill the affair, but won't it just piss the WS off more and have them end up with the OP permanently, and ruin any chance of reconcilliation with the BS?

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong...

Exposure ruins the affair, which serves to facilitate recovery. Affairs thrive in secrecy so exposure is ruinous. A marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair.

You're looking at it as most folks do who have yet come to understand the dynamics of affairs. So you're normal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Please read the links in my sig line below and ALL the embedded links.

The majority of the time when you expose the affair the cheating spouses immediately wishes to return to the marriage. They are fearful of losing their children and their financial stability. It also forces them to get out of the fog. The absolute worst thing to do is not expose because the fantasy and excitement is allowed to increase without consequences from their actions. There is an old saying: No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change.
Once the affair is exposed to the innocent spouse and friends, the glamour of the affair fades quickly. In addition, once the other spouse knows it makes it much more difficult for the affair to continue or resume in the future.

Of course it will piss off the WS. They will be furious, but it will also help them to ultimately see more clearly what they are doing. Most folks (WS, OP) engaging in affairs already know that what they are doing is wrong, but in their fantasy, where it is a secret, they can pretend that their situation is special so the rules don't apply.

Exposing is merely shining a bright light on their actions and forcing them to look at what they are actually doing. Others, family, friends, employers, clergy, can help reinforce this to the WS.

Exposure is essential to recovery as is NC down the road.

Who

....and finally, sunlight is the best disinfectant.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

Oh, OK, one more metaphor:

What do cockroaches do when the light is turned on?

WAT

That is the funniest thing I have seen in awhile - I am going to tell my WW that next time we are having a "discussion" - is that a LB?

cargirl,

I would add that if your WS is NOT p*ssed off when it happens you did something incorrectly. This is the single most important step in this MB process. It is so elemental that a lot of people here on MB forums will not post to you until that has been accomplished.

Thanks.

I guess I'm just afraid that once I do, H will go for OW and our chance of reconcilliation will be nil.

BTW... he says all I have are cell phone records and they are just friends. I know it's an EA, don't know if it's a PA yet.

Is that enough info to expose to OWH?

catgirl,

Please, please read this site with a more receptive mind. A lot of what you read may be counter intuitive, especially exposure.

When we ask for BS's biggest regrets, it is almost always either the lack of exposure or delayed exposure. Exposure is NOT used to shame the WS but is a loving request by the BS to the exposure circle to help in their attempts to SAVE their M.

His use of the term "just friends" is sufficient by itself to go to OWH. This is the WS's universal code word for "Oops - she's on to me. I have to hide this."

The phone records are the hard evidence to share.

Do it, do it, do it.

AND - assume it's a PA.

WAT

If it were the other way around... if OW's H knew that his wife was talking to YOUR H all the time, as "friends", often and in secret... WOULD YOU WANT HIM TO TELL YOU?

Catgirl,

We BS are very good at not seeing clearly because we don't want to believe that our WS are being unfaithful.

Some of us, including me, "fail to notice" dozens of red flags waving in our faces. I knew my FWH was close friends with a former college classmate, but never worried about how close because she lived 3000 miles away and is fat and unattractive. I should have paid attention to his activities, the cell phone bills and email accounts. If I had been in the least in tune to him, I quite possibly could have prevented their EA from becoming a PA.

If more hard evidence is what you want before exposing then look into a digital voice recorder to hide in your H's car, a key logger to get passwords etc. on the computer. These things should get you more evidence, but you must prepare yourself because you may learn that things have progressed farther than you thought.

You have confronted your WH now so expect that he and OW will go to greater extremes to hide things from you.

Good Luck.

Who

catgirl,

Affairs are built on the shifting sands of deceipt and lies. Since they thrive on secrecy, affairs are mortally wounded through exposure even though it may take many months to exhale its last breath.

Yes, one of the fallouts of exposure is a venom spewing WS who's eyes could turn you to stone. Those who have done it have all seen it first hand. It may be one of the hardest things you do, but the benefits far outway any of the drawbacks.

Many times if the WS has their way, they would hide the affair, divorce the BS and then introduce the OP as someone new in their lives. By pre-empting through exposure you can guarantee this will NEVER happen.

Ok - what if right from the start of BS knowing of the affair the WS remains in NC. Do you still expose? It seems to be over. NC has been made for 2 months. Is there any point? She still claims she doesn't love me. Could the fact that it was never exposed allow her to have feelings for the jacka$$?

Regardless what you think they are,or he says they are, IT is an AFFAIR. Would`nt you rather expose and take the chance of getting your H back or do and say nothing and lose him?

One more thing...


Has anyone's spouse ever got so mad after exposure, that they stayed in the A with the OP, and never went back to their M?

Guess that is my greatest fear.

two - That is very similar to my situation.

I went through exactly what you are thinking for several weeks - my W promised that there had been NC for a two month period also...told me that over and over. We went to MC and even went to a 3 days MC seminar during that time.

I had no real evidence of contact except a couple of phone calls between W and friends where it sort of sounded like there had been some contact - nothing concrete at all -

I went round and round on my thread (Need Support ASAP ...) until finally the people on this board convinced me that I neeed to tell OMW

I told OMW 9 days ago - turns out they had been in contact the entire 2 month period - mostly phone calls and she saw him once - but still, plenty of contact and lots of lies during a period where we were supposedly both working real hard on M and after I had given her an ultimatum: call him and I'll D you. Ultimatum was a bad idea, but she called him anyway.

W is very pissed at me right now. Hope she gets over it.

If I had it to do over again I would have told OMW 6-8 weeks before I did.

I think you should do it ASAP - especially if yours was a PA - mine was not (at least that I know of).

"Has anyone's spouse ever got so mad after exposure, that they stayed in the A with the OP, and never went back to their M? Guess that is my greatest fear."

Probably, but I don't actually know of any.

But what's to fear here? Keeping your head in the sand while being married to an active adulterer, or the freedom from living a lie like that?

Do your WH the favor. Give him the benefit of exposure so he can cure himself of this horrible addiction. You will be helping him much more than yourself.

Yes, change is scary. You will be exchanging your fears for a chance at reality. Reality is on your side, though.

With prayers,