Hi thanks to all of you for your honesty and input as this forum has at times been my life saver. My situation is a bit different as my husband and I were together and broke up for a short time at which he went back with his old girlfriend and she became pregnant. they had broken up before realizing she was even pregnant. He moved back to the city I lived in and we got married one year later. Because of the relationship and how I was somewhat involved in it all he choose no contact. Now after 16 years he is attempting to throw it in my face that it is all my fault that he has not seen his daughter. He now wants a relationship with her. It attitude to me is basically grow up and he will do what he wants with it all. He hides the whole thing from me as he feels it brings more conflict into our home which in turn leads me to mistrust him even more and feel more anxious about everything. After this long it brings up a lot of hurt feelings and ambivilence towards it all. Am i being selfish--probably but I am scared to involve this child in our home and with our children as it is obvious from the emails by her mother that they too blame me for the lack of relationship and want nothing to do with me---just my H and my kids. What am I suppose to think. I am so hurt and confused and with all the conflict surrounding this over the past 6 months has left my husband wanting to leave me. Maybe so he can pursue a relationship with his daughter as it seems like he is full of guilt over not being there for her all these years. I have a trust issue with him and over the years he has not seen the importance of honesty ever. He would rather lie to keep the peace than be upfront about things.
How am i suppose to deal with this child if she does come into our family. What do I tell my family, friends etc. I almost feel shamed in some way and embarrassed about the whole thing. How can I feel safe and secure in all this when my husband refuses to be open and accountable?????
Please help

He is a grown man....if he had NC for 16 years, that was HIS decision not yours.

As far as how the OW and the OC feels about you, that's their problem. You can't control that, but you do control your household. If they want C with your H and the COMs, then you come with the package...otherwise.....

My H and I also have NC as of now....I have not and don't intend to tell my family about this. My H's family knows.

thanks--I know it is not my fault but lately it seems that it is easier just to dump it all onto my lap and free himself of the guilt. How does your husband deal with it all. My H even wrote to me yesterday and says that his heart felt like it was being ripped out when he was not able to be there for the birth of the OC?????First I have heard of it. He is making it sound like he did it all for me and now his attitude to me is basically grow up and deal with it.

We have NC too, and that is one of my biggest fear, that in future my hubby blames me for it, even tho I didnt want the C I made sure I hid all emotions over it, and went over it like a broken record that it had to be his decsion cause i would still stay with him if he wanted C. I even took a deep breath and begged him to get visitation, but he said no way.

I think your husband had a change of heart. who contacted who first???? And he is laying the blame on you to help him with his guilt. Sort of like when they have the affair and they blame you for what you did or didnt do tht brought on the affair, they cant take the blame because they feel bad so they make you the bad guy to help with making them look better.

i agree you come with the package, let him know that he still has to put you first, that you are willing to try as long as you know that he puts you first, make you feel secure while you adapt to the new feelings.

The OW wrote like she always has asking for more$$$$$$$$ so instead of upsetting me by getting mail from her he gave her HIS EMAIL address in the fall. I found out they were emailing back and forth in December and he wondered why I was so upset. He said it was just business. She actually wrote me and sent me a copy of some of the emails believe it or not and in some of them he lead her to believe we were seperated and even gave her another address to forward all corresponses to him at---it was actually his work address but he did not tell her that. I am left feeling out in the dark and he wonders why I have great anxiety about all of this. In her letters, she constantly refers to the OC as his daughter, his first born etc etc and i thin over time has just lead to a ton of guilt and blame being placed on my lap. How do other people cope with NC---do they regret it and how does the OC feel after this long. i think the OW is pushing for contact but the OC still has a lot of hate towards my H. THe OW even called our home and asked if our oldest son was excited about his new sister???? My H had just told them the day before. I feel somewhat out of the loop and sometimes feel like I just want to jump ship as I can not handle it anymore.

ok I see it this way, he is saying you are seperated because maybe he wants to ignite the old flame.

I am so sorry but when did you become his boss and did you pay all the bills and tell him its your way or no way get out and live on the streets? I dont think so you prob told him that you wanted to marry him you loved him with all your heart and then he decided himself that NC was best for his marriage... of course you are a great fall guy because if push comes to shove then hey blame the wife, so I dont look so bad. THAT IS BULL CRAP!
Ok did you agree to allow your children to see the oc and be told? I feel like you husband is taking all your parenting power away from you and doing what he wants, its his way or the highway, what a brute..He cant do that unless you let him. You couldnt make him stay no contact all these years like you couldnt control him creating that child all those yrs ago. WAS there DNA done?

Yes it is his child and I am fully aware that he has made his own choice to not have any contact with this child. It is just akward now after so long to bring this person who none of us even know into our family---How have other people have done it. It just seems that I am so out of the loop as the kids have a new sibling, my H has an OC and where does that leave me---the wicked step mother??? Just confused that's all . I knew this would probably come up one day and now that it is happening---well it just makes me see that I never really dealt with it in the first place. I must have just buried it and hoped that I would never have to acknowledge that my H has an OC---very immature and selfish I know--just being honest!!!
Any advice in how other's have felt and dealt with this all as by the sounds of it I am definately by far not the only one!!
Thanks to you all