My FWW has come a long way in the last few months and is now totally open about my asking her about her A's. We have been going to church again since after Christmas '05 and counseling for a few months too. She has repented of her A's and has made many personal changes and says she's very happy and how glad she is that I'm her husband.

Question: As a BS, How does it make you feel when your FWS is so happy about everything like my W is and yet you are still in pain about their A and have a hard time showing them the affection they are showing you?

In a way it adds to my pain, not that I wish she was still in agony about it but rather that she can be happy and do all these things for me and love me so much and my not being able to return the same affection to her. Does it make sence?

Hi beatndown.

I relate to what you are going through. There would be times when my H was cheery and talkative and smiling and I just wanted to come along and squash his enthusiasm. I can act very vindictive at times. So I wanted to just say something (and sometimes I did), that would speak to how he did this or that.

Oh my, this is really a hard one for me, but if there was a discussion about I on TV, I would just go on and on about the subject making negative comments. I'd try to stir up an argument. I'm still battling with this b/c there are times when it is like an urge and it comes up.

Thank goodness my H isn't the arguing type. He would ignore me or walk away.

For me, it has been a gradual process. I've started little by little getting over it. I realize that I don't have to rub his face in guilt and shame or try to squash his enthusiam. I also realized that a lot of why I felt sad and in pain was because I was trying to make him see things my way and do what I wanted. I mean, I wanted him to see how I was hurting, how he hurt me. And also I felt that if he was smiling so much he must be up to something, lol. I still wrestle with this but I'm learning. Now I try to stop and look at what the pain means to me that I feel.

Furthermore, I realized that I wasn't helping myself even if he was up to something being upset about him being happy. I decided that I wanted to feel better about me, about the situation so I'm learning to decide to be happy regardless.

So this is where I'm at now. Sometimes I think things over better and I stop myself from wanting to destroy. Because really what do I gain from that anyway. And in some situations this may sound weird, but I just go, heck he isn't sad, neither should I be. So I guess I might as well go along.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. I wish you well and hope that you contiue to heal.

Hi beatndown...

I am a FWW, so I obviously I cannot say that I understand how you feel, I would never be so arrogant to assume that I could...however, I can give you a bit of information regarding how my own husband views things...we talk about my affair and everything else very openly, so I have gained some insight to how he tics...

First, I will tell you that he has always been the more happy-go-lucky of the two of us...I have always admired his ability to be in a good mood almost constantly...He very much lives by the philosophy that "happiness is a choice"...he acts and doesn't react...and he sees EVERYTHING that comes his way as part of his life experience and that he should learn and grow and make the best of all that comes his way...he chooses to believe that all that happens to him was suppose to happen...for a reason...and then goes about figuring out what positives that he can gain from everything that comes his way...kind of a "life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it" approach...I personally am trying to adopt his philosophies as I believe that they do work towards a smoother existence for everyone concerned...That being said, no one can or should tell you that you should just get over it...what you have experienced is VERY painful, and you have to process it in your own time...Have you considered antidepressants? Most importantly, have you talked to your FWW about your feelings? She should be aware of how much you are still hurting...is there something that she could do to assist you in this process? If so, make sure she is aware of what you need to heal...

Blessings to you...

Mrs. W

Edited to Add...Suggestion: How about a Marriage Builders name change??? Perhaps something a bit more optimistic and upbeat? A really great poster here, Just Learning, writes much about how perspective is a huge part of this process for all parties involved...In fact, I think that it would be good for you to give him a "shout out" on this board and see what insight that he might be able to offer you...he is a very wise man, and I think that you could gain much from his input...

Thank you for your thoughts/comments.

I am glad though that she has made changes in her life and accepted the fact that she screwed up and is working on making things better and making sure it doesn't happen again.

I guess I am a bit upset that she can get over it faster than I can but then again it depends on the person. I am one who has a very hard time dealing with and getting over something bad that's happened in my life, that's part of my character.

It helps though that she can be happy, it helps her to improve on our relationship and overall it makes me feel better. Helps with the healing process.

From Penalty Kill

As a FWW who is a very long way from being termed "happier", this thread has helped to answer one of my questions about recovery. It has often seemed to me that my H and I rarely have coinciding moods. If I am more "up", he is "down", and vice versa. It's been perplexing me.

We had some very good news last Friday, and I spent the better part of the day texting and phoning him and my daughter to share it. I was about as happy as I had been recently - it really was good news.

Sure enough, the good feelings didn't last long, as he texted me about broken heart cells not regenerating - apropos of nothing. Goodbye good mood. I did my best to rally by the time they got home, but the air was definitely out of my balloon.

I don't think he does this deliberately, but it can be one of those discouraging things about recovery.

Beat,

I do understand how you feel completely. My FWH is pretty much happy, make that far happier than he was before his affair. I am not always as lucky to feel that way.

The way I look at it is that it is far easier for him to be happy with things because in reality, he wasn't betrayed, he never had to experience the pain of knowing about me the things I had to know and endure about him and his relationship with OW. He was the offender, I was the victim.

The child in me still sometimes feels that this just isn't fair, and it isn't, but it is what it is. We don't talk about this, but knowing what kind of man my FWH was before he took a turn in the wrong direction, as am sure that he will always feel guilt and shame for what he did and that he will endure it privately. What I do know is that he was unhappy prior to his affair, much worse during the affair and more happy now that we are in recovery.

I guess that I just have to accept that just because I feel the pain of his betrayal, and don't see similar pain displayed openly, I can't assume that he doesn't feel pain as well...just a different kind of pain.

For all I know it might even be worse.

Who

Well said Who,

It is highly possible that they are in much pain after they realize what they have done but have made a decision to not let it eat them, rather learn from it and do what they can to not let it happen that's what my W is doing.

Other posters that have been on both sides of the fence have said that being betrayed is more painful that to betray, maybe that is why the FWS is happier because they have less pain to deal with.

This is a normal stage of trying to recover the marriage. Dr Harley himself talks about this. See this excerpt from the website:


The entire article can be found here: How Once Spouse Can Lead The Other Back To Intimacy

It is possible that your spouse is hurting more than you suspect. My FWH was terribly stressed and worried after I found out about his PA. He hid it completely because I was so devastated that he was trying to lift my spirits. He felt he had to be strong to help me. I had no idea until 2 months later after my initial shock and pain had passed, how much he was hurting. After I was stronger, he completely broke down one day and cried in a way I had never seen before. I knew at that moment that he was truly repentant and that I could forgive him. We are both recovering now and becoming close again.

beatndown, of course you will be the one who has the hardest time, you were the one who was victimized, NOT HER. She CHOSE to have an affair. You did not CHOOSE to be a victim of her affair. You were traumatized; she was not. This means that, as a victim, your recovery will be entirely different from hers; which is an expectation.

It usually takes 18 to 24 months to feel normal after being traumatized by an affair. I would explain this to your wife, so she is prepared to do what it takes to help you recover.

It might not be pleasant for her to face your traumatized emotions, but hopefully she is honest enough to understand that this is the consequence of victimizing your spouse by having an affair. She should be willing to do what it takes to help you recover without selfishly whining about herself when you are down. That would be like getting mad at your stabbing victim for moaning too loud and interrupting your TV show! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just hang in there and it will get better, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />