I'm new to discussion groups, or anything like this, so bear with me...I guess I'm just looking for some advice. I recently caught my husband in the beginning stages of a relationship with a woman at work. I read some of his e-mails, and it looked like things were moving rapidly toward becoming physical, and I'm almost positive they would have, had i not read these e-mails. He's apologized and agreed to counselling, but I've never been so angry and hurt. I hate the fact that he still sees her every day and they have this "secret" between them. I was 8 mos pregnant when I discovered this, and now I'm home all day with my beautiful 7-week old and 3-year old girls. I love being home, but it gives me time to really think about things, and our relationship seems so hopeless now. I don't know how to get over this. I've had to beg him to tell me every detail of the relationship. He won't offer anything unless I ask specific questions, like "how many times did you get together", "did you talk on the phone often", "what have you talked about since this", etc. I believe he wasn't sleeping with her yet, and he says it was a game and nothing would have ever happened. i just don't know where to go with this now, and I feel trapped. I'm so thrilled to have my girls, I'm healthy, and I have a great career to return to if I decide to return to work. This relationship is the only thing I can't be happy about, and I don't want to be jealous and angry and hateful all my life- does anyone have any suggestions to help us move on?...

sounds to me like an EA emotional affair but what do i know what i can suggest is read other post on the board try reading on general Question II there is alot more traffic there.

do you know if the other woman is married?

how long has it been going on?

you should try reposting on the other board the one from above any who im to new to the game to give you much advise but you have come to the right place. good luck!!

Of course, it was cheating. To paraphrase Dr. Phil, "If you wouldn't do it with your spouse watching, it's cheating." He most certainly wouldn't have sent those emails, met with her, etc., if he'd known you were watching. QED

That it didn’t turn physical, if indeed it didn’t, is largely due to your discovery of the adultery’s existence. Don’t assume there was no physical contact just because your husband denies it. The rule of thumb is if a wayward spouse’s mouth is moving, the spouse is lying.

Your husband dismisses it all as a game? Huh uh. It was no such thing and he knows it. That’s his way of putting you off, deflecting your interest so he doesn’t have to deal with the harsh truth and (more importantly) won’t have to discuss it with you. It was an emotional affair (EA) at least. Now, here's the bad news. There's every likelihood it’s still going on. Such things don’t end when the partners in adultery still see each other. What are you going to do about it, JM? I don’t know if you’ve read WAT’s thread for newly betrayed spouses on this forum but if not, you should do it now.

It can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...05303&an=0&page=0#405303

I suggest you get a copy of Dr. Willard Harley’s Surviving An Affair. It’s available from the MB bookstore. Get it, read it…study it, and formulate a plan for yourself to recover from your husband’s affair. While you wait for it to arrive, you can read up on Plans A and B on this website and review the “Most Popular Links” on the upper right corner of this page.

You should consider taking this thread over to the “General Questions II” forum. Most of the veterans who have survived adultery in their marriage stay exclusively on that forum. You need their input and support. Finally, you will gain much more than it costs if you make an appointment with Steve Harley for a counseling session with him. Instructions for that are on this website. Good luck, JM. Welcome to MB. This support group will be invaluable to you in the coming weeks and months.

Hello JM!

Please don't let your H get away with this.

It was and EA, maybe not that far into it, maybe he really stop it, maybe. But he has to come clean. He has to understand the Policy of Radical Honesty. Or this will be the beggining of the end of your relationship.

He'll tell you it was nothing, the more he refuses to tell you everything, the more and worst you wander and imagine.

He needs to understand, that he needs to come clean! Or you will start living in doubt, you surely don't want that.

I let my H deny it to me 2 years ago, I had evidence (mails) but not hard proof.... I lived two years in agony, I lived in doubt, I couldn't trust him and at the same time I was blaming myself for not trusting him. I lost my self esteem, I never trusted my gut instinct ever again...

I end up depressed, my girls suffered from it, I suffered from it... NO, NEVER AGAIN.

In the mean time, as you can see in my signature, the fact he got over with the first A, it only led him to develop more.
Only 3 months ago I FINALLY found the hard proof he couldn't deny.

Oh God, I WAS so FOOL to believe him. I begged him for the truth, I explained him the consequences of his lies, etc.
He DENIED till I "kind of believed" in a way I could not bring the subject any more.

It led us no where. It was the begining of the end.

We are now trying recovery. Don't know where it's going.

I think I'm finally getting through to him. I e-mailed the policy of Radical Honesty to him. He's been offering small details, like "she brought me packs of gum, I brought her coffee in the AM", etc. Maybe this is more detail than I need, but for some reason I want to know everything. Probably b/c I know he keeps small things from me to avoid talking about it. I really feel like I don't know him at all. I am in "mama bear" mode, and want to protect my girls from pain, and I have no idea what he's capable of now. Is he a chronic cheater...will we be getting a divorce 10 years from now when it will be more traumatic for my kids, and I'll be 40 and divorced...it's really hard to see a silver lining right now. I guess I'm feeling a little "fight or flight" reponse coming on...

jmjm,

At the very least, this is an EA and I wouldn't be too sure that is wasn't also a PA. WS lie and lie and lie and the scariest part is that in the beginning, because they are so good at it, we BS don't even see.

Read up on this site and you will see what you need to do here. The hardest part of this will be that you know that each day, he will be seeing OW at work. What this will ultimately mean is that one of them will have to leave their job in order for your marriage to recover.

IMHO, you need to do a little detective work to determine what is actually going on and if the affair continues, you will need to expose it to family, friends and your WH's employer.

Who

Please do heed all the advice listed above. I had a chance 6 years ago to have nipped our problem in the bud and was naive and did not and it led to FWH having 4 one night stands and countless hours of chatting on line. What your feeling is normal and there is hope....the more you read here you'll find out that you can survive this and come out with a better, stronger and happier life.

I think you're right, and he's told me she'll likely have a new job next year. I read something to that affect in their e-mails. Something like "if I didn't have you here, I would be looking for a new job...". He claims tht he's heard she's actively looking now. This is a tough situation. He's a school administrator, and she's a teacher. So cliche, right? Anyway, this could possibly cost his job and career- all so political, and right now he's our only income, and I'm not ready to leave my girls and return to work...

He's told me it only went as far as a touch on the arm, or legs touching under the table during work sessions- no embraces, no kissing. Am I totally naive to buy this? He's pretty busy at work, and never away from me or his kids on weekends/ evenings. I just can't imagine where anything more may have taken place...

I used to think like that. Until my FWW told me, I would have never thought she would have engaged in SF in her office. Knowing what her office used to look like, I still find it hard to believe that they managed to engage in SF there.

If they both wanted to engage in SF, they would have found a way to do so.

I thought the same thing, my husband was too busy at work, but I found out that he had an affair for 9 months, they found places at work to do it and also left work early to meet up just so he wouldn't be late getting home. I know it's hard to believe that the one you love would do this, but don't let your guard down. It does happen and I think more often than we would like to think. I'm sorry your having to go through this, I pray it was just only touching for your sake and your daughters.

Sadly, I'm not sure he would stop a physical relationship from happening. One reason I believe it did not go further is the nature of his job. This and my little bit of faith in him is all I have to go on with. If he had a physical relationship with another woman, our marriage would not survive it. That is why I need to believe him now, and we need to fix this now. I've always had a hard time trustng men, and this makes it worse. I've got to try for my family and my sanity.

I think you need to know that even if it was a physical relationship or not it was still an affair and emotional and physical affairs can be survived. Don't count yourself out even if it was physical. I would have said the same thing but I bet you have strength you don't even know you have. If you want this to work and follow a proven plan like what you can get from this site, your marriage can be saved. If you do the work and it is not saved, you'll know you did everything possible to give those two precious little ones a chance at being raised in a home with both of their parents. You can do it. You have a lot of support here. Don't give up!!!

Thanks, I've learned a lot about myself through this site, and it's nice to talk to people who understand. Given the statistics, chances are I have friends who have been through this too, but I've avoided talking to them so far. I have 1 friend I've talked to, whom I can trust but otherwise this is it. I'm afraid to expose to family. They are very protective, and I don't want to stress them out. I know my mom would hate him, and her opinion means a lot to me. I don't want to be swayed by that, or stress them out. I have such a loving family, and they still absorb every bit of my pain, and I hate to do that to them. I'd rather try to work it out with my husband first. I know I will have the love and support of family anytime I need it, though. Thanks again for the support.

You might want to check out the thread on Gen Questions II by HopefulandFaithful that is something like wanting to tell new friends. There's a current discussion on exposure/telling friends. Of course the articles on the website would be of most help. There are "guidelines" on how to expose. We only told his aunt and uncle and our best friends (married couple). Since we have told a limited amount of people this board has really been my biggest support and it has helped so much. I'm now one month past d-day and after really getting low I'm feeling more like my old self.

Things are getting better. Will be much better when WH or OW find a new job and I don't have to think about them in the same building and occasioannly same room...Thinking about getting a keylogger for my computer just to be sure he's telling the truth about no contact...does anyone have experience with these? I'm pretty computer-illiterate.

Sadly this is true...the car became a good enough reason for My exOM and I (puke)