Hello all. I've been reading your messages for a week or two and have been reading the information on this site. So I'm ready to take the plunge here, and am hoping for some advice.<P>My H and I have been married for over 16 years and have 3 children. We've had our ups and downs, but the last few months have been pretty rough. My H is a very outdoorsy, adventure-loving person and likes to hike, bike, etc as much as possible. The last few months he has begun camping and spending lots of free time with a 20-year old female "friend." (My H is 42). The first few times they went to the mountains together, I didn't say much. When he announced that he and "friend" were going camping for 3 days at Labor Day, I asked him not go with her, I am tired of the amount of time he's spending with her(instead of me and our children). (Four weekend trips, including Labor Day). My H accused me of being paranoid and having a dirty mind. Bottom line, they went, I stayed home and did projects around the house. Upon returning he assured me that "nothing happened".<P>I do not feel he is being honest about their time together or how he feels about her. I've told him that he's spending time with her that he ought to be spending with me. He says I'm nagging.<P>Any suggestions? Is this an emotional affair, or on the way to something more?<P>I appreciate any insights.<P>C

He's 42, she's 21, and they're going off for weekends camping??????<P>This isn't just an emotional affair, honey, this man is having an affair. What red-blooded 42-year-old is going to sleep chastely in a sleeping bag when he's got a 21-year-old juicy young thing right there and wifey at home.<P>I don't mean to be brutal, but there we are.<P>If your H is outdoorsy, do you ever go with him? I'll bet not, am I right? You really need to read the Harley stuff about recreational needs, because that's clearly a need he has that you're not meeting, hence this OW.<P>My H is more outdoorsy than I am. Not to the extent of camping, but he likes to go hiking. I don't because I have an irrational fear of getting lost in the woods. I used to send him for his hearly morning summer weekend hikes alone. This summer I started going with him, and boy, did he love it. Even though I don't enjoy them the way he does, and they make me a bit anxious, it's worth it.<P>Seriously...read up on recreational needs. You need to nip this one in the bud.

Yikes, and double yikes!<P>I have to go with D&C here. <P>Hang around here long enough and you will get enough information to choke a horse, and it's all GREAT INFO!! Personally, I bought one book quite by accident before I ever found this place, but haven't bought any since. This board has still been very helpful. Print out the emotional needs and love buster questionairres and see if your H will take them with you, and then go over them together. You need a place to begin, and sometimes it opens the conversation so that you can honestly share. <P>I am really sorry for your pain... and the one other thing I'd like to say is this: you came here because your intuition told you that something was amiss... TRUST IT!!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

thanks for the replies. I appreciate you telling me that I am not out of line to be concerned about this situation. My friends I have confided in have told me the same.D&C you are not being brutal, I have heard the same. I feel pretty stupid that I have had the wood pulled over my eyes like this.<P>And yes, we do all go camping as a family, I guess the problem is that we all cant go as much as my H wants to so it comes down to lately he is gone almost every weekend. And not necessarily with her. With other men too.<P>I've read the articles on Recreational Needs, I thought that described my situation well. He has not always been so much into these activities, in fact lately he has been getting into more "extreme" activities, such as 100 mile bike rides, that 7-year old children just can't do. So somebody has to stay home with the kids and obviously that has been me.<P>Any ideas on how to get him to adopt a "middle ground" so we can get some recreational needs fulfilled together?

Your h. is having an affair. No married person spends that sort of quality time with someone of the opposite sex and remains just 'friends.' <P>Good luck<BR>

Wow! I guess I dont need to say what the others have said...but I will say one thing tho and that is that he is committed to you not to her.. (or hes supposed to be)!!! and maybe he needs to know that little thing...in terms of posing to him this scenario..how would he feel if you suggested going away for weekend with some younger 'boy' friend just to relax get your mind off things and to get some relief from the kids that you always have to look after while he spends weekends away doing the wild and wooley that he knows you cannot go on...???? now ask him if he would believe there would be nothing more than just going away together cos you enjoy each others company..????? Ask him if he would feel there was something seriously wrong with the marriage or would he sigh tolerantly? roll his eyes back and say 'oh darling not again!! this weekend too'..?<P>Dont feel silly about the situation, its understandable to feel and think as you have done...underneath you would have known in your heart what has been going on and that its terribly wrong but didnt know what to do about it....and have posted here to confirm to yourself what you already knew... dont feel bad about that...there is so much help here.......you would have been filled with indecision and fear of causing further rift..and the hope that it will be ok and will pass, not wanting it to be true, not wanting to lose him, all add to the uncertainty and frozen inaction...<P>What to do about it is another matter...hmmmm First it must stop !! and quick!! or its going to escalate to something heavier (and I mean in pain)...there is no middle ground with her in the middle....<P>He will need to realise there ia something seriously wrong here that he will need to address with you....!! and talking about it is imperative to preventing a full scale breakdown of relationship here...show him what you posted here and the replies if you have to.....he knows its not right too...and he will deny it, make all the excuses, and try put the blame on you till hes blue in the face until he faces the reality that he can no longer deny the obvious.....you must get him to talk to you.....any way you can....<P>Good luck best wishes and have faith...<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>