No, not the ex's funeral, but this is a serious situation to me.

Some of you old-timers might have a better sense of how to answer this question...

In case you don’t remember my story...I was separated for 3 years before the D was final about 15 months ago. I remain on good terms with in-laws even though we don’t see each other often, and I get calls or cards periodically from my Ex-MIL. (Ex-H and I were married for 27 years, H left for OW, is now living with a different OW). Everyone is basically in the same town. We have 2 adult kids. Now my question:

My ex-father-in-law just died, and the funeral is Friday. Knowing his time to go was near, I had planned all along to go to the funeral but hang in the background, mainly just to privately pay my respects. My daughter called a little while ago and told me the plans (ex-FIL last wishes) are for my Ex-Hubby to speak and perform a musical piece (he’s a full-time musician).

Now I'm not so sure I want to go to the funeral. On one hand, I want to go to show I "got over it" and have moved past the hurt, also to see the "GF" that Ex-H has. (I admit it!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> On the other hand, I will have to see the "GF" next to my kids when the family is seated up front, and also witness the hypocriticalness of my Ex-H speaking from the pulpit in a church.

I feel sick in my gut, haven't felt this bad emotionally since I found out about the A four years ago. Any advice? Will I regret not going in later years, or will that look bad to the family? (I continue to be on good terms with ex-MIL and other in-laws, btw.) Should I just swallow my pride and go, but not linger?

I wish there were a way to unravel the webs of what should be and what is. The funeral is in no about your ex or his gf or your kids sitting next to his gf or hyposcrisy in the church. The funeral is a celebration of the life or a man whom used to be your fil. Quite honestly, if you feel all those distractions are going to keep you from personally being able to participate in that celebration, then I wouldn't go. If not, then as you said, quietly attend.

And that can be done. I went to a small town funeral a couple weeks back for my grandma. In sending out the thank you's afterwards my mom noticed a name on the books that she would have rather not seen, and I never saw that person there.

You go!!

You participate in a way that is comfortable for you!

He was your FIL and I think that I would regret not having gone.

My 2 cents worth.

Dawn

I agree with Bill...

If you care(d) about this man... your ex-FIL... and it seems that you do (did)... put all that emotional junk aside and go to celebrate this man's life!

My ex-H, by the way, was very close to my grandmother who died in 2005... he was asked (by me) to be a pall bearer for her service... because he loved her, she loved him, and she (my grandmother) would have wanted him to be included. It was the right thing to do.

PS: You can see the gf later, and I do "get that"... but this is not the time to dwell on that.. you can do this, Avondale... for your ex-FIL. ((((Avondale))))

[color:"blue"] LH [/color] - You’re right, “what is” vs. “what should be” really intertwine post-divorce. I think if I go early and get a seat in the back, I can go without feeling like I’m the center of attention. After all, this isn’t about me. I need to keep reminding myself of that!

[color:"blue"] Daybreak [/color] - Thanks for responding. As you said, I am afraid I might have regrets in the future for not going. There isn’t a second chance here to re-do my decision, is there?

[color:"blue"] NBII [/color] - I appreciate your understanding about the GF thing. I probably should just steel myself for seeing her, and assimilate it later, if at all. Yes, it will get assimilated, I’m sure. Probably about 2:00am, LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate the feedback and collective wisdom found here from those who’ve had to go through ‘this wonderfulness’ ahead of me. I’m going to get a girlfriend to go with me who knows my situation. It will be easier if I'm not all by myself.

I have thought about this....my x's parents are in their 80s and not in best of health.

Now, he didn't leave me for another woman. And, in truth, I rather like his wife. I have no reason to hold end of marriage against her. She was not in the picture.

When the time comes, I will attend the funerals. For the people who have loved me despite their son's choices. Because I care about them.

But, also, for my children. In addition, I expect I would be asked to sit w/ the family. If asked to do so, I probably would - because it would mean a lot to my children for me to be there for them.

I would not ask my x to be a pall bearer for my mother because she does not like him. She used to but that is in the past.

[color:"blue"] Cinderella [/color] - Thanks for the response! I am definitely going, and I know people on these boards can imagine the difficult emotional challenges it will bring. So I will pay my respects by attending.