I'm new to discussion groups, or anything like this, so bear with me...I guess I'm just looking for some advice. I recently caught my husband in the beginning stages of a relationship with a woman at work. I read some of his e-mails, and it looked like things were moving rapidly toward becoming physical, and I'm almost positive they would have, had i not read these e-mails. He's apologized and agreed to counselling, but I've never been so angry and hurt. I hate the fact that he still sees her every day and they have this "secret" between them. I was 8 mos pregnant when I discovered this, and now I'm home all day with my beautiful 7-week old and 3-year old girls. I love being home, but it gives me time to really think about things, and our relationship seems so hopeless now. I don't know how to get over this. I've had to beg him to tell me every detail of the relationship. He won't offer anything unless I ask specific questions, like "how many times did you get together", "did you talk on the phone often", "what have you talked about since this", etc. I believe he wasn't sleeping with her yet, and he says it was a game and nothing would have ever happened. i just don't know where to go with this now, and I feel trapped. I'm so thrilled to have my girls, I'm healthy, and I have a great career to return to if I decide to return to work. This relationship is the only thing I can't be happy about, and I don't want to be jealous and angry and hateful all my life- does anyone have any suggestions to help us move on?...

this is weird

you registered on this site 2001

and you just asked this question ???

What happened between 2001 and 2006 ?

Pep

When I registered in 2001, I had caught him chatting with women on-line. I guess I just got over it on my own...or not, but I used the site for advice. This incident with the woman from work just happened (2/06). Here we are 5 years and 2 children later...I guess I should have taken it more seriously in 2001, but we were practically newlyweds, and I trusted him completely and believed him. How naive.

Have you read any of Doc Harley's books? Both of u taken the EN questionnaire?

R U willing t/d phone counseling w/ Steve @ MB?

If he is willing to answer questions, that's a start but only what you ask... hm..... sounds fishy.

L.

Where do I find the EN questionnaire?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Here ya go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks- I looked over them, and they are all things we should have discussed 6 years ago before we were married. People should not be allowed a marriage licence without filling this out. The only problem is I'm so angry, that I don't know how to answer. Do I respond as I would have prior to his EA? After doing a lot of reading on this site about plan A, and the role of the betrayed wife in repairing the marriage, it all makes sense. However, I'm having a hard time taking part of the blame for his huge mistake. I'm in enough pain over this as it is, so why am I sitting here examining myself, and how I'm lacking as a wife? No matter how bad our marriage was to begin with, I'm not the one who was out seeking other women, in the wake of having another baby with my spouse! I'm leary about plan A...but willing to try.

Wait! Back the truck up!
You are absolutely not to blame for his choice. He decided to do what he did, you didn't choose that for him. His crime, his time, get it? He could have said to you, "I'm not happy, I think we should work on this."

A lot of betrayed spouses get blindsided by an affair. They simply don't see it coming. And how could they if the other spouse wasn't open and honest with them in the first place? I don't feel guilty because my wife chose to do what she did. Her choices, not mine. What I feel is a desire to change whatever habits I had in the past that withdrew love units and replace them with ones that deposit them.

Ultimately, you have to decide how much emotionally you can deal with. You have no blame in his decision. Both of you are guilty of putting the marriage in a situation where one of you was vulnerable to an affair. Love busters, intentional or not, are just what they are called. Love busters.

Do the ENQ with him. You might be suprised at what he has to say.

Good luck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

jmjm
I don't have any sage advice, but if it makes you feel any better, I am in the exact same boat. All the best to you and I'll pray for you to have a good outcome while praying for myself.

Hi Saddest- I know- I read your discussion, too. It is actually nice to talk to someone in the same boat. My husband is a school admin. and the OW is a teacher- so cliche. He's the good-looking boss, she's the star-struck little Elem teacher, and I'm the pathetic wife home all day with the kids, and still staring at my 7-wk post-pregnancy body in the mirror. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure there's no post-pardum. I'm thrilled with my girls, and my life for that matter. I know I'll get myself back in shape and I have a very rewarding career, where I can work as many hours as I choose, whenever I choose. I want to be home with my girls, though and exposing this EA to too many people could destroy his career, then I have no choice but return to work. I hope that you'll keep me up-dated. MAybe Your husband is a reflection of mine a few years from now...

JM, you're no more responsible for your husband's straying than you would be if he went out for a drink with the guys and was involved in an auto accident before he got to the bar. I read a post the other day here on the site that I liked. I wish I could remember who said it so I could give him or her proper attribution but I can't. It went something like, "I didn't do anything to cause my (husband's) adultery, but there were some things I could have done to help prevent it."

I think you can see yourself there, can’t you? For instance, if you’d paid his first EA the attention it deserved, this one might not have happened.

Okay, you've read enough on the site by now to know your husband is in at least an EA. The natural progression for EA’s is to turn to PA's if given the time and opportunity. Don’t assume you know everything that has gone on between them. These aren’t “games.” They are serious inappropriate choices your husband has made…at least twice now.

Look, your husband and the OW are still in contact and the affair is most probably still ongoing. They generally don’t end at the snap of a finger. In fact, it’s no exaggeration to say the adulterous relationship cannot end until contact between them ceases. It just doesn’t happen. I see nothing in your posts to indicate he has agreed to no contact (NC) or any NC letter sent to the OW. Are you going to make the same mistake you did before, JM?

Tell us what you want to do, JM. Do you want to mend your marriage? Others have gone through what you are now, and come out the other side with stronger marriages than before. You’re here on a website dedicated to saving marriages, so I think you want that but you have to make a firm decision about what you want. Tell us what your decision is, JM. If you decide to work on your marriage, make no mistake, it will require hard work, but you’ve got a lot more going for you than many on this board today. What do you say, lady?

The only way contact will completely cease is if he quits his job. He's her boss. He says that they meet once a week, with a group of other people, and otherwise he avoids her at all costs. (his words, not mine) He expects me to have blind faith in this and it's very hard. He may have to leave the job if she doesn't first. Honestly, I think it has ended. But, they still speak at least a few days a week for work, and I don't even like that. I've told him he may need to find a new job if he wants me to get over it. He's agreeable to this, but it hasn't been demanded yet. We've had problems in our marriage, mostly due to lack of communication, for a long time. The only way we can come out of this is stronger, if we come out together. We're both willing to work on it. We're going to do the questionnaire tonight...we'll see how it goes...

jmjm, you won't ever get over it until contact ends. You are facing an on-again, off-again affair that will likely go on for years until he ends contact. As long as contact continues, recovery is impossible. To imagine otherwise would be to believe that an alcoholic could have drinks every day and still recover because you call them "professional" drinks. Just as his contact with her will always be CONTACT, no matter what cute little name you put on it.

He should make plans to find another job and his weekly meeting with her should cease NOW. Would he be willing to send her a nc letter and start looking for another job?

I suspect the answer is no because I do not believe the affair has stopped at all. This is evidenced by his continued weekly meeting and his LACK OF HONESTY about the details of the affair. He is still hiding things from you.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Would he be willing to send her a nc letter similar to this? His reaction should give you a good gage of just how serious he really is:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

JM,

Longhorn and MelodyLane are 100% correct.

You Have to have NC for life. You cannot recover without that.

Have you done anything to expose the affair at work? anywhere? Exposure is a very effective tactic to end an affair. The affair is still ongoing if there is contact.

He just sent an e-mail to that effect. However, they still work in the same building, so I will never really know if all contact has ended. Like I said, he's "pretty sure" she'll be leaving this year, but if not, I've told him I can't recover if they continue to run into eachother even occasionally. I didn't even realize this fact until I said it out loud to him. It kills me that they still cross paths. He's aware of how I feel, don't know if he's taking me seriously...we'll see...

jmjm, how can contact end if they still see each other at work? You realize what contact MEANS, don't you? Contact is to SEE or TALK to each other. Just seeing each other is CONTACT. It won't work. Your marriage will never recover until contact ends.

He is not taking you or your marriage seriously until he leaves that job.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

OK, folks- we've discussed and started plan A. As much as it killed me to try to be "understanding" and give him time, it really has worked. My anger was affecting me physically and emotionally. Although we don't argue in front of our 3-year-old, she was definitely picking up on the anger I had toward him, and she was beginning to act out. She even asked me why I don't love Daddy. (very bright little girl) Anyway, she's much happier when I'm nice to her daddy, whom she adores. And surprisingly, I'm happier too.

Here's the hard part. He agrees that he needs to leave if she doesn't. We're looking for a new job for him. The school year is over in 2 mos, and she won't be there over the summer, so I've got to get through 2 more months of them occasionally running into eachother. When he sent her the "stay away from me" letter, her response was appropriate, but I got the feeling she's not over him. HOw do I get through May and June? I plan on dropping in a few times, and definitely making myself and our children visible in the building. I want to start rebuilding my marriage, and try to forget about this. Any advice for the next 2 months?!?!

Jmjm,

While your H is still working at the same company as the OW and searching for another job, the two of you might find the following thread helpful (just click on the link):

Guidelines: How to do NC at work

Please note that the guidelines/suggestions in the above thread must only be a temporary arrangement until you H has found another job.

Hope it will help.