Ok...cramps (sorry guys I am blunt), sick (ear infections in both ears and red throat...lovely!), and dealing with what would have been my 10 year anniversary with the sith lord.

except he was annakin back then...handsome and everything this WS is NOT!

Last night I almost didn't get to zzzzz. All the images kept floating thru my mind. My mom called me at 11 pm to check on me. Best friend called right after that. Both said that I need to just remember how beautiful I was that day b/c I kept the vows and it was truly my day...that xh was just there...in the end, my mom asked for my wedding portrait as she said "it doesn't have darth in it and it is gorgeous...but you'll have another one again."

Both T and my mom made me laugh. But after the calls, I had the floaty images. I am so glad I have NC with him today. I cuold not speak to him if it happened. I just could not. And I am 100 percent sure Darth knows what today is....he'd be an idiot not to...but then again, he is an unrepentant alien WS.

Waiting for a patient to clear a narcotic (have to have 4-6 hrs narcotic free) for a specific procedure to be done and they took their pain med at seven am...just sittin and waiting. boring. bleech.

BF was a teensy bit moody last night...not much...more like .000000001 percent as I detected a questioning air in his voice when he said "you sure you're over the sith lord?" I know it bothers him that I even consider my former marriage on this day. It has to bother him. That I am even a teeny bit melancholy. But he knows I'd never go back. That I am happy now. BF is the guy for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But it does not excuse 12.5 years of memories that I emassed w/darth.

And it's hard. Hard to sit it all aside. And sometimes it scares you. You worry that anything like this could ever happen again.

But I know bf's character. It is stalwart. He's a rock. He is unmoved. And it is not his style to be dishonest or to cheat. His job is proof. Plus, he is not that way. I can say that it's so much better being with a man of character and substance rather than flash and glamour. BF however, has so much more than xh does...in the present tense..understanding, loyalty, and wit, wisdom and humor. Those are some en's I crave that he's got by the loads.

Getting ready to go get patient.

this day is creeping by...bleech.

at least the codeine is taking the edge off it...my doc gave me some robitussin w/codeine. He said jokingly, "well we are all out on the subject if the robitussin really works or not..but you need the codeine." Darn it...could not have slept last night were it not for the codeine.

patient getting antsy. going to take care of business...

oh well. this day had to come now didn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

oh peachy I am sorry you feel so bad *huggggs*. so wait i am confused is BF the cute intern?

wow peach -- you and I have the same "unniversary"

Mine woulda been 21 years.

I don't feel melancholy. I did my best, and I'm glad its over.

I've got too much to look forward to. Who needs to look back?

nope...this is the once almost permanent bf I had...longest person I ever dated before marriage. my college bf. we broke up when he first started law school (he was also working simultaneously on his mba) and I had just moved off to med center 3 hrs. away...why we broke up. we dated 3.5 years...very very serious relationship but horrid timing back then.

and yes, I have finally a committment.

the cute intern and I did not have meshing schedules. And yes, cute intern pales in comparison to my bf.

thanks for the hugs. I need em.

I swear...I almost feel bad for having sadness today. Like I am supposed to stuff it in and pretend I am doing incredible. BF is worried I am not over the xh.

But I soooo am over the WS. I have no residual feelings for my xh...for my H? The former man he is? That's who I mourned today. Not the WS that he has sadly become...and I fear it's like this forever.

I keep thinking off/on...this time 10 years ago I was getting a touch up on my manicure and one last tan at salon. At two I went to my makeup artist /hairstylist. Got to church at 3.It all plays back like a horrid nightmare...but I did have a gorgeous wedding. I did. And he ripped everything to shreds. He destroyed MY HAVING A GOOD MEMORY...My feeling good about it. My best friend says that I should not feel bad. I am not a failure. That I did all Ic ould do. I know I did all. But it makes me angry today as well as sad. How dare my xh toss everything away for a cheap peace of [censored] or two. Why in the heck did the idiot do it? Why? Why did he morph into a hugh hefner wannabee? Why? Why did he consciously ask me time and again when we wanted to have a baby if he was gonna become THIS KIND OF FATHER???? I am soooo thrilled that I at least got the best part of this whole thing..my precious son. But why did my xh even want to be a dad in the first place? I don't get it?

Why could he not have told me prior to my wedding that "hon...I don't do committment well." Why couldn't he say that? I know now after learning his sordid past..that he so conveniently did NOT tell me about...after dating two years prior to our marriage, that he WAS NOT A GOOD CANDIDATE TO MARRY PERIOD. He snowed me. The man snowed me. sold me 100 percent on a dream that could never be.

I guess I've run the gamut of emotion today. Anger, disbelief, sadness...but no bargaining as I've accepted it. And no denial as he did it.

To think two years after divorce I still sometimes stop and have to catch my breath. Sometimes it bewilders me that he did all this. It was NOT enough to cheat...he had to financially ruin me for several years...and I will have to deal with no matter how BRIGHT THINGS ARE NOW...the credit fiasco courtesy of xh. It was not enough to cheat...NOT enough..he had to lie, steal, and was abusive in the end. It's as though he has two distinct personalities...JECKYLL AND HYDE.

I married the nicer one...only to find out the monster was always lurking below the surface. I am sad today. I am angry today. And I feel like I have to stuff both down inside.

I don't want to cry and despite how firm the new relationship with my bf is, I don't want to add to his already worry about my having any residual emotion for xh. All I have in truth for him today is sadness and anger.

No longing. No wanting back. Just anger at wasted time (excluding the nine days spent in hospital giving birth to my ds...had a c and some complications). Other than that time, I'd have chunked the entire thing if I could have.

And I finally realized I do love J. Heck yea I do. I did for so many years. He is still the same man. He still has the same character. He still has the same wit and humor and intellect. And he still makes me giddy with the whole butterflies in stomach thing just by hearing his voice. He is the whole package. Not just a pretty boy playboy. Not at all and not even close. He is the opposite of darth in almost every way thankfully.

I do love bf. And despite how I feel..how I really think this will go the distance, I wonder if I will ever feel the way I did 10 years ago when I literally floated down the aisle...it was gorgeous...classical harpists playing excepts from my favorite Andrew Lloyd Webber musical "Phantom" as my bridesmaids came out.....and the lights dimmed after they played "music of the night" and then I walked down the aisle. To this day, I break down in tears if I ever hear "All I ask of You"...which is song that was in a nutshell, the way I felt about my then H...and he about me ...I saw Phantom again just a few years ago when I was fresh into this singleness...and I cried thru the whole darn musical at the Fox.

In reqiuem for a once beautiful marriage...

All I ask of You..BY Andrew Lloyd Webber

Raoul (Cliff)
No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.

Christine (Sarah)
Say you'll love me ev'ry waking moment;
turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
promise me that all you say is true,
that's all I ask of you.

Raoul
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light;
you're safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.

Christine
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night;
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me.

Raoul
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you want me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you.

Christine
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.

Together
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

Christine
Say you love me ...

Raoul
You know I do.

Together:
Love me, that's all I ask of you ...

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

thanks lexxxy....glad we share so much in common. I am glad I have a sister in this. I know we did all we could do.