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#1644161 04/27/06 10:48 AM
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knowing what the rules are

and choosing to break the rules anyway

but thinking "I won't get caught"

.... but getting caught !

and then NOT wanting to experience the consequences you were AWARE existed ... in fact getting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> angry that the consequences are forthcoming

this is what my H and I are facing at home right now with our 20-year-old dear son

he brought liquor into our home when we were away ... FULLY AWARE that my H is a 10-year-sober alcoholic who's NUMBER ONE RULE is "NO BOOZE IN MY HOUSE"

well guess what?

son thinks mom & dad are "being A-holes" because we are making him move out ...

I was reluctant (at first) to "kick him out" for this deliberate disobedience ... guess what my H said to me to make me see things his way ~~~> "For me, bringing booze in the house feels like you'd feel if I brought OW into the house."

instant clarity for me

GREAT word picture

our son decided to accept the consequences when he decided to choose the behavior

I get it

Pep

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Sorry to hear you had to face this. Right answer, though.

WAT

worthatry #1644163 04/27/06 11:07 AM
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{{Pep/Mr. Pep}}


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
worthatry #1644164 04/27/06 11:09 AM
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Sorry to hear you had to face this. Right answer, though.

WAT

WAT

son is complaining that it is an inconvenient time for him to move

"awwwwwww"

and

he told me last night none of his friends have parents who would kick them out for something "that everybody does"

I said ... "You will be happier not living with us then."

Pep

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Does he know the way to get UNkicked out , Pep ?


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an inconvenient time for him to move

As it was an inconvenient time to break the rules.

Hold your ground - as I am mine. See your mail?

WAT

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Pep,

You and Mr. Pep are to be congratulated on your very hard but very right decision.

It was with great shock that I found out that when our oldest turned 18 that he was an ADULT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> We were informed of this by him when he tried to pull something we did not like. We were informed about this when his college would not send his grades home WITHOUT HIS permission.

We accept the reality of it. He on the other hand felt that he could be our "child" while being an "adult". He was wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He has been on his own for awhile now, and I am happy to say doing well...NOW.

I suspect your son has not figured out that interesting fact. One cannot really be an "adult" when they want to be and then a "child" when it is convenient.

I know this will be hard on you and Mr. Pep, but I think you have done well.

God Bless,

JL


PS: Are you listening WAT, you are about to enter this strange realm where kids are adults. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Bob_Pure #1644168 04/27/06 11:24 AM
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Pep,

Does DS have a drinking problem?

This sitch happened with two of my alcoholic brothers. At the time, one had been CAS for 10 years. The other needed a place to stay after getting out of treatment, so the older one let him move in .He was given the same rule as your DS, and the whole family backed it. Well, about three months later he brought alcohol into their house. He was forcibly moved out the next day.

Is this like Plan B without a previous Plan A?

with prayers,


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Bob_Pure #1644169 04/27/06 11:26 AM
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Does he know the way to get UNkicked out , Pep ?

last nite I gave him a few hints

apologize instead of calling his parents names ...

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Pep - We went through that with our daughter. She said she was an adult and didn't understand why she had to follow our rules. I explained that once she moved out she didn't have to follow our rules.

believer #1644171 04/27/06 11:43 AM
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What a heartwrenchingly difficult decision...

My heart goes out to you and Mr. Pepperband...

... and I hope and pray that your son realizes what he's done and truly, honestly and sincerely apologizes... whether he moves out or not.

JL: I found out when my son (21 with special needs) brought me along to a doctor's appointment and the doctor said, right in front of me, that I didn't need to be there if my son didn't want me there. Huh? We were both there... if he hadn't wanted me there... I wouldn't have been there. Duh.



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hey pep....

OMG...i dealing with a 16 yr old daughter....i feel your pain!!!!

that happened to me when i was 20....was in college, dropped out, moved home and wanted to party....finally, my folks packed my stuff and MOVED me out....

looking back...best thing ever happened to me!! (but, i didnt like my folks for a few yrs....just be prepared for that!)

talk 2 ya L8R! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?" (Chris Rock) "Its better to die standing, than live a lifetime on your knees" (Pancho Villa) "We just wanna be free to ride our machines and not get hassled by the Man!" (Easy Rider)
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Can I join this Support Group?

I AM A PARENT OF A YOUNG ADULT SON!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> All emotions included!!

OMG, JL, How many times have I said this?

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One cannot really be an "adult" when they want to be and then a "child" when it is convenient.


Not following house rules..not wanting to suffer the consequences without name-calling...."It's just not fair.." "Everybody is doing it"...

And yes..the pet peeve of getting HIS PERMISSION to talk to the dr...to get the college grades...when parents are responsible for the bills.....

HUGS TO YOU PEP...Been there...

There's hope, though..my 23 year old son is acting like a normal human being....telling us how much he APPRECIATES us..how he needs to help straighten out his brother..Oh My...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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We had 2 do that with my son's "friend" who'd lived with us for the past 2 years after his father died (and his druggie mom couldn't/wouldn't take care of him). We put up with a largely decent kid for those 2 years, though we caught him in some semi-serious lies on a few occasions.

We fed and housed him for 2 years, and got him in2 the CCC, 2wice! He lasted about 3 months at the Camarillo facility, then allegedly 2uit. He was visiting over the weekend (staying elsewhere, though), when he told us this news about a month and a half ago. We immediately said "You're not staying here." And now he's not.

Adulthood hits some of them pretty hard.

-ol' 2long

2long #1644175 04/27/06 01:07 PM
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Even when you do the right thing, (as a parent) it's still hard.

Sometimes I go to a out to eat, and the sign on the window says "Smoke free environment." Adults dont' expect to go in, and smoke anyway. Walking in implies consent of the no smoking rule.

If he wants to live in your home, he follows the rules of the home. If he chooses not to follow the rules, he moves.

Of course he knew. The people who rob banks expect to get away with it too - Or they wouldn't do it.

It's a calculated risk - and he got caught. That's too bad........ and I am not being sarcastic. It really is too bad.

Strength to you, and calm when you need it.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
2long #1644176 04/27/06 01:07 PM
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this is the boy who we sent to live in Utah for his 17th year (he went UNwillingly)... and his returning to LIVE WITH US was clearly defined with boundaries ... and this issue (ETOH) was at the top of the list ...

He is adopted. Both parents were addicts ... he's got the genes for it ... but at this time he wants to do what he wants to do

and that's fine

just not with US paying the bills ... and picking up the pieces

actually NBII, the decision was pretty straight forward once Mr Pep gave that analogy ... the light went on for me

we're doing him a favor Sturgis , I agree

Thanks guys

Pep

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we're doing him a favor Sturgis , I agree

And yourself a favor. It's just hard to realize right now.


Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~ Kinky Friedman
Susan #1644178 04/27/06 01:37 PM
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we're doing him a favor Sturgis , I agree

And yourself a favor. It's just hard to realize right now.

I agree.

I understand how hard this is for you....but someday (hopefully soon) your son will know as well....and appreciate you both MORE for it.

Kimmy


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Susan #1644179 04/27/06 01:39 PM
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OT:

Hi Susan! How are you? I've been missing you.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Susan #1644180 04/27/06 01:57 PM
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I've been there, too, on both sides to some extent. Paying my own way through college, because I dropped out after 3 weeks when my parents were paying, was a costly mistake that turned into a wonderful growth experience. I sure took my education a lot more seriously when I was paying for it!

And my now 23-year old niece, for whom WH and I were legal guardians, has changed from a pot smoking teen with a chip on her shoulder to a hard working single parent who is totally self-supporting. She took a hard road, but she's doing great today.

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the decision was pretty straight forward once Mr Pep gave that analogy ... the light went on for me

Yes! I wish my STBXH had had Mr. Pep's vigilance about his alcoholism. He was sober for what I thought was almost 10 years, though I think his sobriety was slowly eroding for some time. The only good that came of it was that several recovering alcoholics, my brother included, recommitted to their own recoveries in the wake of my WH's relapse and I got back into Al-Anon.

Good luck to you with your son.


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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