knowing what the rules are

and choosing to break the rules anyway

but thinking "I won't get caught"

.... but getting caught !

and then NOT wanting to experience the consequences you were AWARE existed ... in fact getting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> angry that the consequences are forthcoming

this is what my H and I are facing at home right now with our 20-year-old dear son

he brought liquor into our home when we were away ... FULLY AWARE that my H is a 10-year-sober alcoholic who's NUMBER ONE RULE is "NO BOOZE IN MY HOUSE"

well guess what?

son thinks mom & dad are "being A-holes" because we are making him move out ...

I was reluctant (at first) to "kick him out" for this deliberate disobedience ... guess what my H said to me to make me see things his way ~~~> "For me, bringing booze in the house feels like you'd feel if I brought OW into the house."

instant clarity for me

GREAT word picture

our son decided to accept the consequences when he decided to choose the behavior

I get it

Pep

Sorry to hear you had to face this. Right answer, though.

WAT

{{Pep/Mr. Pep}}

WAT

son is complaining that it is an inconvenient time for him to move

"awwwwwww"

and

he told me last night none of his friends have parents who would kick them out for something "that everybody does"

I said ... "You will be happier not living with us then."

Pep

Does he know the way to get UNkicked out , Pep ?

As it was an inconvenient time to break the rules.

Hold your ground - as I am mine. See your mail?

WAT

Pep,

You and Mr. Pep are to be congratulated on your very hard but very right decision.

It was with great shock that I found out that when our oldest turned 18 that he was an ADULT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> We were informed of this by him when he tried to pull something we did not like. We were informed about this when his college would not send his grades home WITHOUT HIS permission.

We accept the reality of it. He on the other hand felt that he could be our "child" while being an "adult". He was wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He has been on his own for awhile now, and I am happy to say doing well...NOW.

I suspect your son has not figured out that interesting fact. One cannot really be an "adult" when they want to be and then a "child" when it is convenient.

I know this will be hard on you and Mr. Pep, but I think you have done well.

God Bless,

JL


PS: Are you listening WAT, you are about to enter this strange realm where kids are adults. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Pep,

Does DS have a drinking problem?

This sitch happened with two of my alcoholic brothers. At the time, one had been CAS for 10 years. The other needed a place to stay after getting out of treatment, so the older one let him move in .He was given the same rule as your DS, and the whole family backed it. Well, about three months later he brought alcohol into their house. He was forcibly moved out the next day.

Is this like Plan B without a previous Plan A?

with prayers,

last nite I gave him a few hints

apologize instead of calling his parents names ...

Pep - We went through that with our daughter. She said she was an adult and didn't understand why she had to follow our rules. I explained that once she moved out she didn't have to follow our rules.

What a heartwrenchingly difficult decision...

My heart goes out to you and Mr. Pepperband...

... and I hope and pray that your son realizes what he's done and truly, honestly and sincerely apologizes... whether he moves out or not.

JL: I found out when my son (21 with special needs) brought me along to a doctor's appointment and the doctor said, right in front of me, that I didn't need to be there if my son didn't want me there. Huh? We were both there... if he hadn't wanted me there... I wouldn't have been there. Duh.

hey pep....

OMG...i dealing with a 16 yr old daughter....i feel your pain!!!!

that happened to me when i was 20....was in college, dropped out, moved home and wanted to party....finally, my folks packed my stuff and MOVED me out....

looking back...best thing ever happened to me!! (but, i didnt like my folks for a few yrs....just be prepared for that!)

talk 2 ya L8R! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Can I join this Support Group?

I AM A PARENT OF A YOUNG ADULT SON!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> All emotions included!!

OMG, JL, How many times have I said this?



Not following house rules..not wanting to suffer the consequences without name-calling...."It's just not fair.." "Everybody is doing it"...

And yes..the pet peeve of getting HIS PERMISSION to talk to the dr...to get the college grades...when parents are responsible for the bills.....

HUGS TO YOU PEP...Been there...

There's hope, though..my 23 year old son is acting like a normal human being....telling us how much he APPRECIATES us..how he needs to help straighten out his brother..Oh My...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

We had 2 do that with my son's "friend" who'd lived with us for the past 2 years after his father died (and his druggie mom couldn't/wouldn't take care of him). We put up with a largely decent kid for those 2 years, though we caught him in some semi-serious lies on a few occasions.

We fed and housed him for 2 years, and got him in2 the CCC, 2wice! He lasted about 3 months at the Camarillo facility, then allegedly 2uit. He was visiting over the weekend (staying elsewhere, though), when he told us this news about a month and a half ago. We immediately said "You're not staying here." And now he's not.

Adulthood hits some of them pretty hard.

-ol' 2long

Even when you do the right thing, (as a parent) it's still hard.

Sometimes I go to a out to eat, and the sign on the window says "Smoke free environment." Adults dont' expect to go in, and smoke anyway. Walking in implies consent of the no smoking rule.

If he wants to live in your home, he follows the rules of the home. If he chooses not to follow the rules, he moves.

Of course he knew. The people who rob banks expect to get away with it too - Or they wouldn't do it.

It's a calculated risk - and he got caught. That's too bad........ and I am not being sarcastic. It really is too bad.

Strength to you, and calm when you need it.

SS

this is the boy who we sent to live in Utah for his 17th year (he went UNwillingly)... and his returning to LIVE WITH US was clearly defined with boundaries ... and this issue (ETOH) was at the top of the list ...

He is adopted. Both parents were addicts ... he's got the genes for it ... but at this time he wants to do what he wants to do

and that's fine

just not with US paying the bills ... and picking up the pieces

actually NBII, the decision was pretty straight forward once Mr Pep gave that analogy ... the light went on for me

we're doing him a favor Sturgis , I agree

Thanks guys

Pep

And yourself a favor. It's just hard to realize right now.

I agree.

I understand how hard this is for you....but someday (hopefully soon) your son will know as well....and appreciate you both MORE for it.

Kimmy

OT:

Hi Susan! How are you? I've been missing you.

I've been there, too, on both sides to some extent. Paying my own way through college, because I dropped out after 3 weeks when my parents were paying, was a costly mistake that turned into a wonderful growth experience. I sure took my education a lot more seriously when I was paying for it!

And my now 23-year old niece, for whom WH and I were legal guardians, has changed from a pot smoking teen with a chip on her shoulder to a hard working single parent who is totally self-supporting. She took a hard road, but she's doing great today.


Yes! I wish my STBXH had had Mr. Pep's vigilance about his alcoholism. He was sober for what I thought was almost 10 years, though I think his sobriety was slowly eroding for some time. The only good that came of it was that several recovering alcoholics, my brother included, recommitted to their own recoveries in the wake of my WH's relapse and I got back into Al-Anon.

Good luck to you with your son.