This is my first post and any advice would helpful.

My wife had an affair almost two and a half years ago and things are not getting any better. We have 2 children and I love my wife but I feel like an idiot for staying one day longer.

I don't know what others have gone through or what their spouses put them through but what my wife did was devastating and horrible.

The Affair:
My wife had an event she had to attend out of state. She has family and friends there and decided on her own that she was going for 6 weeks with my children. We could not afford the trip. My wife made arrangements to stay at one of my family memebers homes. In order to pay for the trip she made arrangements to work for a friend a few days a week. That way she at least made enough money to spend while she was there.

Three days into her trip she agreed to go out with one of my family members, his girlfriend and the other man. Needless to say when my family member left with his girlfriend my wife went home with the OM. The OM rented a basement apartment from my family. He lived under the same roof as my family she was staying with. She slept with him the very first night with my 2 children right upstairs.

After knowing the OM for three days she skipped the wedding that she went there for so she could sneek downstairs to be with the OM. Again with my children and my family right upstairs. One of my family members actually heard them and saw her walk out of his door.

Over the next week she went out with him several times and even took a trip to an amusement park with him and my children. On one occasion my oldest was sick and she went out anyway. My family members were trying to reach her and finally called their favorite restaraunt. When they said she wasn't there because they were describing my wife and the person she was supposed to be with my family member gave her description and the OM's description. She went home and took care of the kids. The very next night even though she had been caught out she went out with him again and ended up getting her bellybutton pierced for him. By the way this was 2 days before our wedding aniversary. Finally a few days later she was going out with him again and my family had had enough. My family told her they were not going to watch our children while she went out with another man. It turned into a fist fight right infront of my children. She went down to the OM's room and asked him to help her get out. He told her no.

After leaving and staying with her family. She called him and ended up spending more time with him. She even took him to dinner and I paid for it.

When she came home it started to become apparant that she had cheated on me.

Of course I was devastated. I told her that I would try to work it out. She agreed to a marraige counsler. The problem was that she was not being honest with me or the counsler. I didn't see a reason to continue going if we were getting bad advice because she was not telling the truth.

It took her almost 2 years to admit to everything that I descirbed above. The only reason she admitted to it is because I put two and two together. She was never open and honest. The way I found out she took my kids to the amusement park is because they told me. She did nothing to hide her behavior from anyone that was close to me so it was easy to find out.

I did a lot of reading and started using some of the things I found here to help me through.

After she got home I HEARD all of the right things. I told her that she had to stop doing certain things immediately. I told her because she did not work we could not pay our bills. We were late on everything. Our credit card bills are in collections now. She went out and spent well over thirteen hundred dollars on clothes and things for herself. One night we got into a fight and she said she was going to divorce me. I said fine then I am throwing away half of the clothes you have bought since you have been back. She attacked me and I had her arrested. Of course now I am the bad guy for having her arrested. I explained that her spending is a love buster for me. She did not stop until she was ready to stop.

The counselor told us we should go out on dates and try to reconnect. These were horrible. She would actually flirt with other guys while we went out. I told her not to do that. Her response was what do you think I am going to do sleep with them? I said I don't care it is not right. It got to the point that I made sure we went to places this couldn't happen. The worse time it happened was we were in a restaruant eating at the bar. When dinner was over I went out to have a smoke. When I came back in she moved over to my seat next to this guy. She proceeded to have a fifteen minute conversation with this guy. She was saying how good he looked for his age etc. When we got in the car I told her calmly at first that I didn't appreciate what she had just done. She denied even changing seats with me. Later she said one of the guys said they couldn't hear her and thats why she moved seats.

I couldn't understand how she could do that to me.

I have asked her to do things for me and she never responds. One night we went out and we were having a good time and I asked her if she would go down and get a tattoo with me. She said no way! The next day I was hurt thinking she could get her belly button pierced for him but not do that for me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking she did not know why I asked. She actually told me she didn't get it because she knew I was just asking because she got pierced for him. OUCH. BTW she flaunted the belly button ring in my face telling me how sexy it made her feel before I found out she did it for him. She did not take it out until I insisted then told me it would cost ten dollars to get it out and I told her not to spend any money.

Long story short she just kept taking withdrawls from the love bank. Not little withdrawls but big ones. There were more but this is already long.

When I gave her very specific things she could do to deposit into the account she took them with a grain of salt. I asked her to get dressed up for me everyonce in a while in some sexy clothes. She won't even do that.

Now after hearing all of the promises and after all of the heart break she is telling me I need to get over it.

During our last conversation she admitted that she knows that all of these things were wrong and she wished she never did them. She admitted that even to this day she knows I am putting more into this relationship then she is. I am now working with the creditors to pay them off that all started with this trip. She has now decided to go to AA and I watch the kids two to three nights a week when she goes to her meetings. I know it sounds selfish but why should I do this for her.

Now she tells me there is nothing she can do to change the past. She is doing everything she is capable of doing and even though it is less then me I need to accept it.

Is it possible to move forward with someone when it is obvious they expect more out of you then they are willing to give?

I am hurt by the fact that in the 4 weeks she was with him she did more for him then she has for me in the two and a half years since she got back from her trip.

When I bring up the love bank she tells me it is crazy to think she should have to put back in what this affair took out.

Now she wants me to treat her better when she has done nothing to put in what she has taken out.

Why is she going to AA? It makes a difference. How do you know she's going to 2 or 3 meetings a week while you sit home with the kids?

She is going to AA now because she is an alcoholic. I know she is going to meetings because she is actually doing the work and I have spoken with her sponser to make sure that is where she is.

YoH,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you're here. I'm not one of the old wise ones, but I think if you're looking to save your marriage, this is an awesome place to be. I'm a little over a month into discovery of a rather nasty situation.

I'll offer you a couple of quick opinions then get out of the way for the more experienced crew. I think one thing you should certainly spend money on is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. Just remember, love bank deposits have to go both ways. If you have not taken the Emotional Needs questionare, with your wife, I would suggest doing that. You can print it from here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

If she won't do it with you, do it by yourself and try to answer for her. Lots of support here. Great place to be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck.

YOH, if you want to recover your marriage, I suggest you get an appointment with Steve Harley if you can possibly afford it. It's your best shot because, frankly, MarriageBoard principles do not work when there is a physical addiction to a drug.

Thank you. I know our marriage is in deep trouble. The main reason she is in AA right now is because I was planning to leave her and insisted she go to AA so I felt safe when she had the kids. I can't afford anything right now because of the financial obligations I have to paying off our debt.

I'm very sorry you have to face this, YOH. Dealing with an unrepentant adulteress who is also dangerously addicted to a drug is horrifically difficult. I wish I had a magic answer for you but I do not. Hang in there, pardner.

Thank you. That just put everything into perspective. Unrepentant is exactly the word I have been searching for this whole time. I just feel like I cannot forgive, forget, or move on with this because of that.