If you're the WS and you're looking for a safe place to vent and, like me, you've concluded that MB ain't the place, you may find some comfort here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending

Best wishes,

BB

BB,

Ending an affair vs. working on your marriage are two different things...

Folks come here who want to SAVE THEIR MARRIAGES, not vent.

I came here over a year ago because I, too, was trying to end my A, but I also wanted to save my marriage. The good folks here at MB told me what I needed to hear.

MB is a safe place. Just because you might not like what people are saying to you here, doesn't mean it isn't safe. It's an honest place. A real place. A loving place.

I'm sorry for your struggles and sincerely wish you well in the future.

From Penalty Kill

I looked at the site, but I really don't like the format or the feel. I'm not an ivillage fan, and all I needed to see was one post advertising breast augmentation....well, no thanks; that's not what I'm looking for in an infidelity site. I also don't like sites where mainly one category of poster posts - in this case WS. If you are looking for a good site I recommend Survivinginfidelity - I don't post there, but I read. It has a WS only section (really FW) that is truly moderated if you are more comfortable in that environment.

In my time on MB, I've learned more from BS posts than from WS; the main reason I am on this forum is for the BS point of view. It helps me to understand my H and to support him. If I support him, he is able to support me.

It's been a while since you posted, BB. Have you ended all contact w/OM? I know that you said you deleted the email account you were using. I hope that you are keeping up with the NC, since the longer you maintain it, the better you will feel.

From Penalty Kill


The two are not mutually exclusive. Many people want to do both; there are many posts on the forum about sadness and anger and traumatization. That's venting. It's the nature of the beast.

Marriage Builders is a perfectly "safe" place to post if you are serious about saving your marriage and ending your affair. It is NOT SAFE for AFFAIRS or the disingenuous, however. Bullsh** has a very short shelf life here.

First,
why is this post still here.
I thought that advertising for Other sites was no longer allowed.
Guess I missed the post letting that occur again. Oh well, No biggie.

As far as the Venting (while being a WS):
Well,
if your Vents are to Justify or otherwise condone Cheating behavior ........Nope, this sure ISN'T the Place for you.

However,
if your truly remorseful and are prepared to take full Ownership for your own actions .......then this IS the place for you.

Sorry that it seems your looking for more of a WS pity party/ b*tch fest then to Really WORK on your Marriage.
Sad to say, looking outside the marriage to somehow save it ......just never works out.

But HAVE Fun over there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey PK,

Of course people come here to vent... I didn't mean to imply otherwise.... it is a support group, after all.

My reply was directed specifically at BB. I've read and responded to some of her previous posts and IMHO she was/is quite wayward. Her "venting," I believe, is a different kind of expression than what you are speaking of.

If I'm off the mark here, I apologize!

From Penalty Kill

Moderators, if you wish the site I mentioned to be removed, that is fine, no problem. It's not a WS vent site by any means. In fact, I recognize a few BS usernames over there that post here as well. From what I have seen, the same principles regarding A's apply at both sites.

Edited to add: No apologies necessary, KM! You're not off the mark, I understand what you mean now.

Thank you for your responses.

I just know that in my efforts to find what I needed – and yes, sometimes it was just to whine – that MB.com was always on the first page of my search results. The articles here have given me more than just food for thought, it’s a veritable feast, but, still, the support network is set up for the BS (who, no doubt, needs support). WS’s, especially those who are new to NC, are left in the cold. No matter our wrongs, our pain is still real and valid. Support for us here is scarce. I’ve seen the same concern expressed by others, so I know that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

<<Ending an affair vs. working on your marriage are two different things...>>

You can’t work on your M w/out ending your A. They are two different components of a whole, and the second cannot take place until the first is completed. NC is not easy. You, of all people, should know that.

And yes, whoever it was that asked, I have been in NC for over 3 weeks now.

BB

BB,

I'm a BS and would like to congratulate you on your NC. You stil have a long way to go. Be assured that the people here are here to help you. Sometimes there are things that you are going to hear that you don't want to hear. It's all part of the uglies that surround recovering from an A. The bottom line is, MB'ers want to help.

I remember reading your post and you had not told your husband about the A. Have you told him? Either way, he will be hurt by the news, but it is what it is. It's your starting point to rebuilding your marriage.

I believe MB'ers in this forum are just everyday people, from all walks of life who have at least one thing in common. The A.

If you have, or when you tell your spouse let him know that there is support for him here. It was a *huge* help for me to talk to people who had been through it. Take care.

HS

BB,

I've witnessed many a WS be Cheered on as they continue on with NC.
In fact,
People setting aside their OWN pain, just to try and give support to someone trying to get passed the addictive part of an Affair.

On the other hand,
true ---
there is not much compassion for anyone coming on & "pining" away for their OP!
Not gonna get much hand holding if the posts are nothing but TOW type "gushes" about how much they miss them or How they can't get by without them.

Now to be honest,
I don't know what approach you've taken on your own posts.......but there IS support for the former type of WS and indeed NOT much for the later.

Guess all WS just have to decide which TYPE they are and then Post at an appropriate site.

You can’t work on your M w/out ending your A. They are two different components of a whole, and the second cannot take place until the first is completed. NC is not easy. You, of all people, should know that. [/quote]

I didn't say no contact was easy. Have you confessed to your H yet? Real marital recovery doesn't happen until you confess. If your H wants to work things out, he can be very helpful in the NC department. You can't do it alone.

I'm sorry I'm harsh with you BTW, but I remember your first thread on the "Just Found Out" board (the board for BSs new to Dday.) Your thread was "Why isn't she happy the affair is over?" and you were asking for advice about OM's wife, whether or not folks thought she was "psychotic." You also said she posted here and did so to "get your attention."

That is NOT condusive to saving your own marriage, IMHO. I hope things have changed for you since then.

Good luck with NC. I do know how painful it can be.

No, you said that ending an affair and working on your marriage are two different things. My point in saying that NC wasn't easy is that finding support while one is working thru NC makes ending an affair easier, which, in turn, enables one to work on one's marriage.



She used my RL initials and invited me to speak with her one-on-one. That definitely got my attention. It is neither here nor there, tho, as that part of my life is history.

BB

BB,

What do you define as "safe"? That is the issue. If you want insight, guidance, help, an occasional 2x4 upside the head, AND support in your attempts to recover from your affair and rebuilding your marriage, then you are indeed in the right place.

I think you will find that there are quite a few FWS here and they along with others are more than willing to help you rebuild your marriage. You simply have to ask.

That does not mean you won't hear some things you don't really want to hear, but you will find things here are not done to hurt you.

It is all about attitude and goals. If you have the attitude that you want to try and make something out of this mess, and your goals include ending your affair, people will help.

God Bless,

JL

BB,

I also want to congratulate you on the NC and I hope you will keep it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> As a FWW (who is recovered now) I know and understand how difficult NC is for a FWS who is still early in recovery and in the midst of withdrawal. But as you keep up the NC, with time & patience things will get better. As your feelings for the OM start to fade, you will also start missing him less and be less tempted to think about him.

My own withdrawal was very severe and difficult and that’s why I’ve created this thread on withdrawal for both BS’s and FWS’s. Please read this thread thoroughly and follow the suggestions to FWS’s on how to get through withdrawal.

Take care,