Hi everyone, this is my first post, I am still getting familiar with all the abbreviations and lingo so please be patient.

Background:

I have been married for 6 years and have 2 beutiful daughters (3 and 6). I found out about my wife's emotional affair with a friend/neighbour back in November 05, the actual 'affair' was short: they met over a period of a couple of weeks, no sex but they did kiss. She has admitted having an attraction to him since we met a couple of years ago.

I accept my part in the breakdown of our marriage, while a dedicated dad and provider, I have taken her for granted and not met her emotional needs.

Current situation:

We are in the early stages of counselling. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor (4 sessions so far) and she is individually seeing a counsellor to help her 'sort out her head' (only one session so far). We have both read After The Affair. She admits she still has feelings for the OM and doesn't trust that I can make any permenant changes. She is now looking back and saying that we never really had a 'spark'. I found out last night that she and him have spoken on the phone a couple of times. I called him and (again) demanded that he respect our family and leave us alone (I know he is only half the problem).

Delemma:

I am tired and sad and running out of gas. I have been everything she wants in a husband since finding out: supportive, emotionally there for her, intimate, positive, caring, I can go on and on. She has mentioned how great I have been and is amazed how I have been handling the situation. I have 'fallen down' a couple of times (demanding a change, giving an ultimatum etc) but we have always ended up embracing. She says she understands. I feel like I am becoming a burden and she is only staying out of fear and pity.

I guess I am not looking for anything except some positive vibes from you all to help me keep going. It does help to know that I am not alone.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

phoenix

Welcome to MB. This place saved my marriage and it can save yours too...if you stick around and let it.

Couple Questions:

1. Have you or OM moved?

Recovery can not truly begin until "No Contact" is established.

2. Is OM married? If yes, does his wife know?


You really will feel better once you undertake a proven recovery plan.

Mr. Wondering

Phoenix,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I wish we had met under different circumstances.

I'm rather new to this as well, but I'll tell you what I've learned and what has helped me. Patience is a big thing. You have to realize that the condition your marriage is in didn't happen overnight. You two probably didn't fall in love overnight either.

My WW has told me the same thing about not trusting that the changes that I've made and that she has seen will be lasting changes. You're only choice if you want to save your marriage is to stay the course and prove her wrong with actions, not words. Trust can be returned with time.

The older and wiser ones here can be a great help. Hope I've helped. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, thanks for the reply. No we haven't moved but I have suggested it. She is reluctant because she says she is not sure if it will help. I know this sounds like an excuse, I'm pretty sure it is. My feeling is that she is not 100% committed to fixing the relationship because of her confusion over her feelings for him and uncertainty that we are 'meant' to be toghether (her words).

Yes, he is married, 3 kids, his wife is aware and they are not in a good place. He has all but given up on their marriage. They are not seeing a counsellor. Although they still live in the same house, they are pretty much done.

Thanks D. That's the kind of motivation I need.

I understand your feelings. All that matters at this point in Recovery is that she STAYS. The rest can be accomplished.


This is typical WS-talk.

Have you read up on withdrawal? Suzet's Quick Start Guide on Withdrawal for FWS's and BS's

Have you both filled out the EN Questionnaires? It is important at this point that you learn to meet her emotional needs the way SHE likes it.



She needs to do this. She needs to write a NC (no contact) letter, stating that she wants to rebuild her marriage and end all contact with OM. As long as there is continued contact, Recovery cannot begin. Each times she has contact, it will start the withdrawal process all over again.

You can do this, Phoenix.

Read, study and learn to apply these concepts until you are well-schooled in them.

I'm so very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

But is she aware of the A? It is vital that you make her aware, if she isn't. A's thrive in secrecy. Exposing the A to OMW will bring it to the light of day. It's not nearly so romantic when everyone knows the A for what it is.

Yes, she is fully aware of the A. He is nothing short of a scumbag (sorry just venting).

I agree. Vent away...

Frozen's right:

How do you know OM's wife knows? Did you speak to her directly?

How do you know OM's marriage is aweful?

Do you know where your wife is all the time or even most of the time?

How are you certain they are not still meeting?


One of the biggest mistakes BH's make is trusting the things told to them by their WW's. Fact is, Wayward Spouse's are notorious liars. Once busted, she and he could have taken the affair "underground". I know you soooo want to believe her and she seems to be being so upfront with you but you can't, not yet. Sorry. For example, I am only about 3% confident of her "just kissing" statement. You want the truth...you got to snoop to get it. Many threads here on how but I am a firm proponent of the voice activated digital voice recorder hidden in your home and one in her car.

Mr. Wondering

*Don't "discuss" moving with WW, don't angrily demand it either....merely state it as a matter of fact. By the time you actually prepare the home, show it and sell the house you'll likely be recovered or want to go into Plan B anyway. Plus it will give you two a project and distraction to work on together.

I think the main obsticle to overcome here is to get my wife's buy-in to fix the marriage. She is convincing herself that we were never more than just friends (comfortable and secure but no romance). This is just bull, and I think she is trying to justify her feelings.

I can demand that we move or that she writes a no contact letter but until she is at a place where she is committed to fixing our relationship, these steps are meaningless.

When we talk about it, I end up doing all the talking, she just keeps saying 'I don't know' or 'I'm confused', I get nothing from her.

It is so frustrating!!!

Mr. W is right. Nothing she says can be trusted at this point. "Snooping" can sound like a negative term, but consider that this is a battle to protect your marriage. So, don't fall for any lines, such as "You're invading my privacy" or "You don't trust me".

She has already proven herself untrustworthy.

You are EXACTLY right. She is trying to justify her feelings, and her ACTIONS.

You can best help her arrive at a place where she can re-committ to your M by meeting her EN's, avoiding LB's and getting her through withdrawal.

Have you read the Basic Concepts yet?

His wife definitely knows, we have spoken about it frequently. She has also told me that they are all but done.

Beleive me, it has crossed my mind that this affair went further than she has admitted but she flatly denies sexual contact (although I think it would have gone there eventually). I compared what I knew with what his wife knows and we are fairly comfortable that they did not have sex. Even at our worst, most desperate moments, when it seemed there was no hope, she still denied anything more than kissing.

It does continue to amaze me that she can still lie. Even last night, I asked her if she had spoken to him recently, she admitted that she called him a couple od days ago! HOW CAN SHE CONTINUE TO DECIEVE ME!!??

As far as I am concerned this affair is not over, they both want each other, it seems the only thing keeping them apart is my efforts.

Not yet, I don't actually have the books from this site.

Here's the basic concepts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

It's typical WS history rewriting. It's a rationalization and justification that her brain processes and spits out in an attempt to make her feel okay about what she's done and is likely STILL DOING.



You got it but you just don't see you got it. That's one reason this place is so cool. You have a team of experienced persons telling you what this stuff is and means. Interpreting alien WS speak is easy for us.

Anyway, you're right..."UNTIL SHE IS AT A PLACE WHERE SHE IS COMMITTED TO FIXING OUR RELATIONSHIP". That place IS a new home away, as far away as possible from OM. The next part you do have a little backwards. Until "No Contact" every step you've taken so far and continue to take are and have been meaningless. She literally CAN NOT commit to trying, not fully, until she is separated physically from OM. Then once separated physically (including phone, email, text messages and/or secret cell phones), then she'll still need 4 - 6 weeks to emotional separate from him by a process we lovingly refer to as withdrawal.


Of course she's confused, she's a crack addict and OM is her addiction. She just admitted contacting him recently, why do you suppose she'd do that, risk that, but yet still love you, embrace you, love her family?.

Not to mention, "talking about it" is nearly pointless until you've gotten no contact.


Been there. But it won't be sooo frustrating when you come to realize exactly what is going on, you snoop for the truth, you Plan A your butt off for your wife and daughters sake and fight for your marriage with honor and dignity. What you've done so far...one or two hours a week with a counselor (who, chances are, is not that good) just ain't good enough. Stick around.

You will make it, one way or another, you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Stop asking her about whether she's been in contact with OM. It's pointless, I mean how exactly would you know if it's the truth anyway. It's also does not go far towards attracting her back to the marriage. Plan A is about attracting her back to the marriage and family, busting up the affair and establishing "no contact".

READ the basic concepts fully and come back. Please don't gloss over questions. They are all important as we try to fully assess and comprehend your situation. Remember, your just words on the screen to us at first. It's annonymous...lets us know it all.

Thanks Drex and it's been nice posting with you Frozen. Gotta run. Be back later on.

Mr. W

*If your wife were still contacting OM...just how would you guess she and he would be accomplishing that? How did she do it most recently that she admitted it?

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will check-in and provide updates.