I would like to preface this post by saying, I am sincerely looking for assistance with this issue. Whether you are a BS or a FWS, please understand what I am looking for is help, not critisism for my huge weakness. Thank you.

Okay, that said, here's my issue. I am the FWW, 2 months into recovery. Things are going quite well for my H and I (he would say the same). I have apologized sincerely to my H one time. I haven't been able to tell him that I love him at all. He has expressed a need to hear these things, even though my actions show sincere efforts of seeking forgiveness, remorse, and committment to recovery. I want to be able to tell him these things, but just can't! Why is this so?! Inside I truely feel that I am sorry. I feel caring love for my H (not romantic love yet, but SH says that'll come in time). So why the h*** can't I tell my H these things? And I should be able to tell him these things on a routine basis, right?!

A little history about this weakness of mine. Pre-A, I had not told my H I loved him in many, many years. I was raised in a home that did not show emotion well at all. My parents did not tell me they loved me until after my dad had a stroke, I was 26 years old. BUT, I do not want to use this as an excuse not to change, I want to change history here, I just need to know how. The Nike theory, "Just Do It" is not working for me, as much as I repeat it in my head.

Thoughts, advice appreciated.

KJ

I don't know that I can explain the why, but I can say that my WW is the same way. She has admitted caring love, but not romantic love. Has apologized once and doesn't say "I love you". For me, it can be frustrating. Definately, taking the emotional state of the house you grew up in into account, people act and react differently.

I'm certain my WW hasn't forgiven herself and I would put money that that has something to do with it. I'm certain she doesn't love the wife that she has become either. Again, probably has something to do with it.

Hopefully one of the old wise ones posts on this thread soon. Hope I've helped. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it may help other to know, why do YOU think you are not able to say those words? Excuse or no excuse what are your thoughts?

You are forcing it...that's why. You are very early in the recovery process and you want to be at the end. It doesnt work that way!! It'll come. By your post here, it appears you two have a good start. Dont blow it by pressing. If your husband is pressing, then send him here. We can help him relax some. As justLearning told me once, the issue is that the two of you have now seen the worse out of each other. And you are still together. If you just contineu to move forward TOGETHER...then the feelings will continue to come back. And in many cases, they will be more intense and long lasting than before.


Again, with this ILY issue...you are pressing...pushing. You need to address this issue and find a way of overcoming your past problems with intimacy and saying ILY. But pushing it wont solve it. Better would be to discuss it with your husband. Discuss it with a counselor. Find out why you have this problem saying these things. This is ALL about growth here.

Like I said, the two of you are early in the recovery stage. New Orleans wont be rebuilt overnight. Neither will yoru marriage. So, what you do is grab a shovel and hammer, and begin...somewhere. The great thing is that the two of you can grow together by cleanign up this mess TOGETHER and growing TOGETHER.

It will actually mean a whole lot more to your husband if one day soon, thru all of his love and being there for you, that you are able to overcome your issue with saying ILY and can freely let it come out. But that wont happen overnight.

You two have a great opportunity here. The big catalyst for all of this will be communication. You are standing side-by-side right now. Dont blow it by pushing too fast, too soon.

Same goes for your hubby!

In His arms.

This isn't going to go over well with BS's, but here goes....

The "I'm sorry" thing first. Part of why I believe this is hard for me to say, is because I feel like if I say it over and over and over again, it will feel like I am groveling for forgiveness. There, I said it. Now, after what I've done to my H, what right do I have to feel this way? Who gives a 5hit if it makes me feel this way, I should "Just Do It," right?!

The "I love you" thing is WAY more complicated. I believe this does have something to do with the fact I haven't told him this for so long, it's become a habit. Also, because I'm not feeling romantic love yet, I feel like I shouldn't say it yet. Does that sound stupid? Is caring love enough to say "I love you?"

imsosorry, where are you today on your thread man? Looking forward to your response there. Hope you're okay.

KJ

NO!! There is a great quote somewhere on this board about a FWW that was constantly being reminded by her FBH of her affair. She basically told him that he had no right to hold it over her head. That she was sorry, that she sought forgiveness and he said that he had forgiven her. Thus, as his wife...she was demanding he treat her as his wife. With respect and love. That if he loved her, than he will need to let this go and mvoe forward with her. Maybe someone else can find that and put it up here.

But the short answer is that if you have asked to be forgiven and he has decided to forgive you and work on the marriage...than this can no longer be held against you!


Check out my previous post on this issue above.

In His arms.

Mortarman,

Very excellent points in both your posts, thank you. And I believe you're right about pushing, I've never been a patient person. Hope you are doing well.

God bless,

KJ

Hi KJ,
It sounds to me like the very reason you cannot say it is directly because of your upbringing in never hearing it. Since you had not told him for "years" pre-A it seems to me that the trouble stems from what you learned growing up rather than that you only have a "caring love" for him right now.

On the opposite extreme, I tell my kids dozens of times a day that I love them and they tell me the same. My H and I also tell each other we love each other several times a day. I grew up in a home where I heard "I love you" a lot...I still hear it as an adult nearly every time I talk to my mom. Any my parents told each other they loved eachother, in front of us kids, every day. This was my upbringing and I am injecting that into my children's upbring and I would hope/assume that it will be a part of their relationships with future spouse and children also.

You said that you want to change the pattern of what you learned about verbalizing love growing up. That is GREAT! I am sorry the Nike slogan is not working for you. Can you practice with a stuffed animal or something? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> How about making this thread an accountability tool for you, where you have to report every day that you said to your H, "H, I love you" once each day?

I would assume he knows the void in your upbringing of not hearing I Love You? Verbalize to him your desire to change this habit/pattern of withholding verbal words of love.

It is like exercising a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it becomes and the easier and more natural it feels to use it.

Your verbal "I love you" is weak and atrophied! Start exercising it and it will become easier and more natural to feel it.

There were things that my H and I did in our recovery in the way we interacted and communicated with each other that for a good 6 months felt forced and unnatural. But now, all the "exercise" to do the work on the marriage now feels natural and we have benefitted so greatly from the hard work of recovery.

Learning to verbalize "I love you" to your husband is very important and necessary for your recovery. Think of it as a recovery exercise.

And caring love is still love. So verbalizing "I love you" will not be a lie to your H. And YES I AGREE that you will fall back romantically in love with your H as you both continue exercising all those recovery muscles.

You can do it! If you think the accountability concept will help you, then please post back today on when you told your H "I love you" today!

Say it with me now...."I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You can do it KJ!
Blessings,
Glad

Do you tell very close and dear friends you love them before hanging up the phone? When they are leaving do you hug them and tell them you love them? When you close an email to them do you tell them you love them? I f yes to any of these you probably could tell him, but something is keeping you from it. Explore that with him, he will appreciate your effort more than you imagine.

My WW does this with a very few of her very closest friends. It kills me when she does this, but I don't say anything as I do not want to push the issue. She will not discuss it as she is not ready.

The very best gift I could ever recieve from her would be to hear her tell me "I Love You!" and really feel that she means it. I hope that day will come, but I really am not sure I want to hear it until she really means it.

Second would be a heartfelt I'm sorry, one with true remorse and regret for the damage she has done.

Don't say it until you mean it, but discuss the issue with your H. Let him know how you feel and why you think you feel this way. One of my biggest problems is wanting to help her, which also helps me, but not knowing how and her not telling me how I can help. If she would just acknowledge that I could help and she would like my help, would be a big step and make me feel like I'm a part of her life again.

IMHO Open discussion and allowing each other to help each other will help both of you make strides in recovery as opposed to "baby steps" a phrase I hate with a passion.

Just my .02

Wow, while I was posting my above post, about 5 more posts hit here!

Just wanted to comment on how often a BS needs to hear I'm sorry...

For me I decided almost immediatly after d-day that my goal was to forgive my H and work on our marriage. I even verbalized that to him immediately. That did not mean that I didn't need to hear his remorse often during the process though!

It helped me immensely to know that he continued to be sorry for his actions that caused the pain we were living in after d-day. And it helped me to get to the place where not only did I have the goal and plan to forgive him, but I felt it in my heart wholeheartedly. I completely and totally have forgiven him and would never ever use it against him ever in any conflicts we have. I know he knows and feels this.

But even today nearly 3 years later, if some trigger happened that brought me down a little (very rare occurance at this point) I have no doubt that he would respond to me with gentleness and a statement like "I am so sorry you are having a hard time with that. I love you". That immediately catapults me forward and I am back in the present and able to acknowledge and revel in all the hard work we did to get where we are today.

Hope this helps you to see from a BS perspective how important those "I'm sorry's" can be.

Blessings,
Glad

Good points Glad.

I think the issue though is having to constantly be reminded and be sorry for the affair. That shouldnt be.

Now, the FWS can be sorry for the pain that the FBS is in at that moment, due to triggers or whatever. That is empathy and should be encouraged.

But to continue to have to say "I am sorry for hooking up with loser OP" is a one way ticket to divorce court.

But you did have great points there, Glad!!

In His arms.

Thanks Glad. I do have faith i'll get to where you are in recovery. It is just so confusing and painful at times, that one cannot help but get discouraged.

You are so funny about using this forum for a place for me to be accountable for saying ILY to my H! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I will take it into consideration, thanks. First, I need to say it once, then I'm certain it will come easier from then on.

Have a wonderful weekend,

KJ

KJ,

I agree you should not say it until you are ready. I also believe like anything in life, you have to work at something before accomplishing it. What makes it even harder for you is your family history and that you've never done it before. You have to "teach" yourself how you will learn to do this for your H since he DOES need to hear it. I'm sure there is some reason deep down that only YOU know on why this is hard for you. You have to figure it out and "teach" yourself how to get past it.

The reason why I give this advice is b/c I am in somewhat of a similar situation. I am not an affectionate person and never have been (neither have my parents.) It is one of my H's top 5 ENs and is an area he says we were lacking in pre-A.

I look at it as a challenge and something I have to learn to do. It's not going to happen overnight. I have to figure out a plan to what I need to do to make this happen.

I do know I need to hear ILY from my H b/c I feel 2nd to the OW and it reminds me why I am fighting for this M.

I hope you can get there!!

--CO

For me, knowing that I'm loved is essential to my own self esteem. I would be very happy to hear it, but her actions to the effect are so much more powerful.

WW just called me on the phone to ask me a question we both know could have waited until she got home from work. We talked for about 10 minutes. It was like it was an emotional fix for both of us. At that time, it was apparently important to her to talk to me and I was happy to do it. The words are important, but not so much as the actions.

Glad and MM,

Very good points and what I was trying to say, I'm not very good at saying it, but what I feel and think.

Thank you!

Thanks CO. Seems we are chatting on each other's threads today. That's cool, 'cuz you and your H just seem like neat people. Take care,

KJ

"I love you'

it's a very simple thing to change

it really is simple

easy? maybe not ... but simple?

CERTAINLY!

you say it 10 times (in the appropriate setting) to your spouse

He brings you coffee... instead of saying "Thank you." try this

"Thanks. I love you to bring me coffee, It's really nice."

next appropriate time

You bring him a cup of coffee

he says "Thank you"

You say, "You're welcome. I love bringing you coffee."

after that ...

try

"Thanks ... I love you."

It is something easily changed ...

ALL that is required is one thing

YOUR willingness

Pep

Ohhh, I like that. Good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Baby steps is what you need to take. If you can't look him in the face and tell him ILY try other avenues. It is important for him to know you love him. Maybe you can start by going to the hallmark store and buying him a card that tells him you love him. Write a little note telling him you do love him it is just hard to say ILY. Actions speak louder then words and this is a way to actively show him you do and you are thinking about him.

Just figured I'd try to help you since you've been helping me a lot!! Thanks. I always enjoy hearing from you.

--CO