Well, I think I have made the decision to get off this merry-go-round of a marriage but don't know how. We had been married 15 years (yesterday) and have 3 children -- D13, B8, B8. My husband this morning said I should pack my bags and leave it that is what I want but that he is not going anywhere.

I am the primary breadwinner in the house and also provide the primary care to the kids. I have no family in the area so if I leave I will be at a hotel until a more permanent solution is arrived at. Of course, it would be so much easier if he would leave the kids and I at home but that is out of the question. If I leave and go to a hotel with the kids he will call the police. If I leave without the kids I am afraid it will hurt my chances of obtaining custody later not to mention they will think I abandoned them.

Any advice on how to do this?

Don't be the one to leave. That would be a big mistake.

How is he as a father?

sassy, are you having an affair? Do you have some special "friend" that is helping you with this?

Sassy.

I just read all your posts, and I am saddened you are in this position.

Your husbands drinking aside...

I see you both in a visious cycle of - he wont do for me, so why do for him, she wont do for me, so why do for her. You are just as guilty of it - I can see it in the way you type your interactions with him

My husband and I were also both stuck in this cycle for years and years and years....it sucked. My husband also thought it was all me.

Guess hat I discovered - I can only CHANGE me, and by changing how I interact and treat my husband - that means no comapring what he does for me, no nagging, no asking him to change...just doing and changing how I communicate, my husbands defensive hurtful walls stay down, he hears me more now and reacts POSSITIVELY to me...

a small example. If H missed dinner in the past and didn't call _ i would be furious - nag him about how I made this dnner and he couldn't bother to let me know he wasn't making it...blah blah blah. He would then just retreat and ignore me for the rest of the night and I would feel neglected, angry, resentful.

Now....if he misses it for work...when he gets home, I say - aww we missed you at dinner, sorry you had to work so hard - you okay? And let me tell you - at the end of the night he is in conversation with me, gets up and brings me tea...

You and your husband are BOTH reactionary creatures...and you BOTH are expecting to change eachother...no wonder you are miserable in your marriage.

Let me begin by saying - you are the only one who can change. Leaving your husband isn't going to make it better. There is a good chance you will have the SAME problems with the next man you find. Why? Cause men are reactionary - and alot of his reactions are to YOU. SO how to stop the reactions? Change you. It's the only person you have control over.

Think about it a bit before you leave.

ps. Your husbands dream about another woman...have you asked him more about this - i am curious if he is possibly in an EA...I also am wondering what Melody Lane asked you - do you have a friend you depend on. (male?)

Thanks everyone for reading and responding -- and WOW dorry, for even looking at other posts I have made over the months.

To answer the first question, no, I do not have anyone, either male or female to lean on or to ask for help. I haven't even spoken with my mom (who lives on the other side of the country) because I know once I open that door I won't be able to shut it. I guess that is why I find myself here on occasion.

I do realize my part in all the failing of the marriage -- but my desire to end the pain at this moment is so strong. Not only am I not having an affair, my fantasy is to never have a relationship again -- I honestly can say that I do not know anyone, and I mean absolutely anyone, who has a happy marriage. So that begs the question -- why try? I don't have anything left to give.

This morning my husband looked at me with hatred in his eyes and called me a "*unt" -- I can't do this anymore. I deserve better.

Ouch. Nasty love buster. I'm sorry he called you that.

Ask yourself. "Do I want to be a statistic?"

"What is standing in the way of my having a great marriage with my husband?"

"What are the assets of having a great marriage with my husband?"

"Having a great marriage with my husband is worth all of our hard work because...?"

You're the decision maker. Weigh your checkers. Is there any common ground to build upon?

Con el amor del Dios...+

Oops -- I now see that I am in the Infidelity section -- I saw General Questions and wasn't paying attention what section it is in. In my situation there is, and has never been, infidelity. Lots of lying, nastiness and mis-communcation -- but not cheating.

not that I think he is even remotely justified ... but what led up to him saying this ugly word to his wife?

AND

what was your response (be honest)

Pep

I guess we need to back up to the beginning of the week. On Tuesday night my husband and I were doing the normal after work routine of dinner, dishes, homework, etc. and this is also one of the nights where I exercise. So by the time everything is done, it is 9:00 and we like to watch the Sopranos. I sat down next to him to snuggle and got the cold shoulder. Okay, no problem, we watched the show and it was bedtime. I tried to iniate SF and got the cold shoulder. Okay, he doesn't like it when I read in bed so I took my book and went to read in the living room, came to bed a little later. Next morning I am my normal self and he is giving me the cold shoulder. Now I know something is wrong and ask what? He says I know what and nothing ever changes. That is my clue that this is SF related. No further conversation. No communication that day, next day is 15th wedding anniversary. I called him during day to check schedules, (another words starting to warm back up) and when I came home there were roses and a card. I had also picked him up a card and gave it to him. We do the normal nighttime routine except I lay down with him to watch tv. He lets me, but without touching me. He gets up a while later and said he is going to watch the game in the bedroom and go to sleep. After a few beats I follow him in saying that I was confused, I thought we were making up -- and he says he got me flowers because it was MY anniversary not because he wanted SF. Okay, I left and let him do his thing.

So, this morning, he says to me something like I wanted to clear up some confusion from last night -- the flowers weren't because I was apologizing for anything. I said, so then what has been going on for the past few days. His take was that I deliberately "put off" SF Tuesday night so that it would be so late he wouldn't be interested. I said I was ready and interested and HE was the one who said no. He said I never take responsiblity for my actions and that I have been mistreating him for the past month. I was truly not trying to engage in the discussion -- we both need to get ourselves and the kids ready to leave. Anyway, I said something like we should consider just co-parenting/co-habitate because SF is such an issue. This is when he called me the name. I didn't respond (honestly), and he left the room and slammed the door.

A little bit later he told me to talk with the kids out how I have destroyed the marriage (??) and to let him know when I start "getting some" on the side (??). He has called me once at work asking if I spoke with the kids. I need to return the call but am not looking forward to whatever happens next.

Sassy,


Sorry, but I have to ask this, why are you so sure that he isn't having an affair? His anger and coldness (very similar to my FWH's behavior while actively in his 8 month PA) are a big RED FLAG.

Who

Sassy - esp his accusing you of getting some on the side - a WS often accuses the spouse of doing exactly what they are doing...and blames them for ALL problems in the marriage - ALL of them...

sassy,

I quickly scanned your other thread, mainly to see how much drinking is involved. If you are not already, please get yourself to an Al-Anon group. It will be a lifesaver. I promise.

And don’t move out. If he gets abusive when you don’t, please contact authorities. Addiction to alcohol or addiction to OP – sometimes they act the same. Quite often one addiction influences the other. But you need more proactive hands-on support than this board can give you right now.

With prayers,

PS: Start keeping a journal. It will help you in many ways, but putting his actions down in writing is very important for you to do right now. If he forces you out of the house, see an attorney immediately. A record of his actions towards you will be very helpful in getting you back in and him out instead.