I read a few places here where exposing the affair to others is a step in rebuilding. We have been grappling with her emotional affair with a neighbour ( my story ) for 6 months now. We are both very close with our parents, they would be devestated by the news. Should I/we expose the affair? I would like her to have a dose of reality but I am afraid that it would push her away or give her a sense that too much damage has been done. Any advise?

Thanks.

are you certain the affair is over? Are you certain that no contact is and has been in place for a while?

If so, why expose?

No, the affair isn't over. They are still calling each other. I confronted the OM last night and told him (again) not to call my wife. My wife is still 'confused' (in the fog?) over what to do even though she claims she still loves me. Whenever we get to a point when we are considering seperating, I suggest we tell our parents and she backs off immediately and says she needs to think about it some more. I think she sees telling our parents as a point of no return. Can it actually help?

Phoenix, yes you should expose to your parents and her parents since she is still in her affair. I would also notify his w that they are still speaking.

This affair will NEVER end until you move away, btw. She will never withdraw until that happens and the affair will continue.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

She IS ALREADY pushed away; SHE IS IN AN AFFAIR. And she will stay pushed away until you bust up this affair. Your best weapon at killing this affair is EXPOSURE and ending contact by moving away.

Oh yes, tell da mamma! Just be prepared. I've never been as angry, never seen my WW so angry and never wanted to laugh so much as when WW came to me and said, "You tattled on my to my mommy?!"

3 or 4 days later it was better for us, but you really can't accomplish anything if you're sharing your wife with another guy. You said "I do" or "I will" to your wife, not your wife and this other guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you ML. Moving away is the hardest advise to take. We have many family and friends in our town. I know it needs to be done but it will be difficult.

Mel said -

I agree 100%. The affair is not over.

I read your full story and both the scumbag and your wife are still showing the classic signs of continued involvement. EVEN IF they are not communicating, they are still involved.

If she admits to "kissing", assume more. In my book, kissing is touching, and that starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for physical affair (with apologies to Meredith Willson).

UNTIL she is willing to cease all contact and begin steps to permanently separate her proximity from this pondscum, the affair continues.

Contacting the 'rents can help. But don't run off and do this without thinking through HOW you're gonna do it and what you're gonna say. Consult here for our experience.

In the meantime, order three copies of Surviving An Affair. One for you and one each for the parents.

Read the links in my sig line below for more info.

Thank you worthatry. I will do just that.

phoenix, call the parents and explain to them what is happening. Tell them you love your wife and are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their support and influence in ending this affair that threatens to destroy your family.

And yes, it is hard to hear that you will have to move. But you don't necessarily have to LEAVE TOWN. Just move to another neighborhood so that she is not constantly reminded of him.

Thanks again ML.

Or spread the word to all your neighbor pals NOT let Mr. Scumbag outta their sights whenever he's around their wives. Then, maybe HE'LL move.

hint: It's NOT slander unless you're lying.

WAT

I did want to ask another question

Exposure is supposed to be done to those that might influence and pressure WW to stop, go to no contact, recommit to the marriage.

Thus, my question: What is the nature of the relationship between your parents (specifically your Mother) with your wife?

If it's adversarial, judgmental, etc. as is often the case, then Exposure to YOUR parents will only benefit you as you'll have support. But you've got support here. MAYBE it can wait till things get even worse.

However, if your mother and father are close with your wife and can offer your marriage (not just you support) then they are a good exposure target.

I did not expose to my parents. My Mother and my wife already had a difficult enough relationship and it likely would be non-existent now in recovery had I exposed (though I don't think it would have prevented recovery). My mother is older and quite a bit judgmental (in her own loving way). She would be very supportive of me but not our marriage. HOWEVER, I would have had to expose to my parents if I had had to go to Plan B as we have a 6 year old that I would have needed help caring for. Fortunately, the affair ended well before Plan B was an issue.


Caveat. We are not supposed to pick and choose which MB Principles to apply so I will let you know I may be advising you in error. The only way to know for sure is to schedule your own appointment with the leading expert on infidelity in the nation, Dr. Harely. It's expensive (like $175 an hour) but he'll provide you with the most experienced, tried and true, professional guidance possible. One session is easily equivalent with 10 sessions with a local marriage counselor. I strongly encourage you to go to the main site, seek out the number and call for an appointment. Your marriage is worth it.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W - I seem to recall that there's a close relationship between WS and his parents. Otherwise, I think you're spot on.

JMHO

WAT

MelodyLane is spot on. Expose to parents - you have to kill this affair.

My wife's affair was with a neighbour. We moved. It's a no brainer seriously. You don't need to move far - just far enought to avoid all contact. It's the only way you can recover.

Pheonix, I haven't exposed to anyone except a close friend yet, so I will be curious as to how it goes for you...I'm still avoiding it but feel like I need more support. i'm afraid my parents will hate him for the betrayal (EA that he claims has ended), b/c he has been like a son to them. We both are VERY close with our families and eachother's families. I feel exposing may interere with the recovery process b/c I am vulnerable to being swayed by other's opinions at this point, particularly my mother's. Anyway, I'll be curious to hear how it goes. jmjm