I need help.

My wife had an A about two and a half years ago. We have not even started recovery. I want a D at this point but I have two children.

She has given me two choices move past it and stop making her feel like a bad person because she made a mistake or leave her.

I still do not know everything that happened just the events I discovered on my own.

Counseling was a bust because she minimized the A and the things she did so we were getting bad advice.

She has actually done more harm since the A then she has done good.

Now she wants me to move past the A forget about the other bad things that have happened so she can feel better about herself.

I don't trust her because she has not been honest with me and she resents the fact I don't trust her because of that.

I have tried to get her to read through this site but she won't because she says she doesn't like being called an A or a cheater.

I have cut and pasted advice from this site in letters to her and she says she doesn't agree with the advice.

What else can I try to get her to help us in the recovery? I am ready to call a lawyer today and just end it.

At this point she is putting less on a day to day basis into this relationship then I am and she thinks thats ok because I am capable of doing more then she is. I just want some incentive to work on this and I am getting none.

It's not too late till you say it's too late bro. Look again at the advice on your previous threads. The decision is yours. What does God tell you?

Its not too late. When was your D-Day? I read your other post, have you known about this for 2.5 years or did you just find out? I think that impacts what you should do.

I found out about three months after the A. So any advice you can give on that type of time frame would help. I feel like it has been over 2 years and we have not started even the first step of recovery because she refuses to discuss the A.

How do you A proof your marriage if you don't know what led to the A in the first place.

Okay - and did she do anything to reslove the A issue after you found out.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to understand if she did everything you requested after D-Day - then yes, you may need to move on for now. (other may disagree)

I guess, do you still have issues with the A or are you just unhappy with your M?

Quite frankly no she hasn't.

It took a year and a half for her just to be honest about just the contact she had with him. No details or reasons.

She has almost been confrontational since D-Day. If I ask for anything she belittle's it like it is not important.

I still have issues with the A because she has never been honest about it or attoned for it.

I gave her things to do and not to do and she even ignored those.

I don't know if I can be happy with my W because of all of the issues she has put me through without any repentance.

You may need to increase your Love Bank with her and remove all Love Busters. At a point with joint mutual agreements you may be able to restore trust and love.

I’m in a much worst predicament, and I’d love my wife to be still around.

The A is over. At least be grateful for that. Are you? Total honesty requires a lot of trust that you will not LB.

It is not too late.

DLK21

Okay - thanks for clearing that up. So yes, if she did not do what was neccessary to heal you from the A, then you are okay with not getting over it (all though, I just want to be sure that your not throwing it in her face all the time, so to speak).

Anyway, is she happy with your M right now? If not, then there is a possibility that you can work together. If she is, then we may need a different plan.

Let me know.

And also, where we would you say your marriage is. Based on the MB three states of marriage. Clearaly not intimacy, but is it conflict or withdrawal?

Thank you.

No I am not throwing it up in her face. I have brought it up in the context of how her actions have impacted our marriage.

She is happy with the M right now because I am giving her what she wants. Which is stability and love.

I am in withdrawal right now because I am not getting the same in return.

She just wants to put it in the past and move on without doing the work necessary.

Okay - So evrything is okay with her and your not happy. This is your taker coming out (which is fine) and your marriage is in a state of conflict. She probably is in taker mode too.

I would suggest taking some drama out and dropping the A stuff for now. Your going to have to come back to that at some point, but hold off for now. You should set yourself up a plan. I would recomend calling SH and he can help you with it. But either way get your self a plan. I'm not saying your not meeting her EN's, but redouble your efforts for awhile.

Communicate with your wife about your unhappiness, but don't make a big deal. Tell you think you need to work on your M and you are going to start with your self. Buy HNHN, and read it. After you read it, give it to her (and this is important) tell her that you read it (as part of your plan to work on yourself) and you think a lot of it makes sense and you just want her to read it and tell you if she agrees that the things it recomends you do will make you a better husband. Again, you are not asking her to change herself, you are asking her to help you be a better husband. If she reads it or not, ask her to do the EN questionairre in it. If she agrees focus on what ever she says is her top needs. If she doesn't, then assume that her top 2 our conversation and affection. Make a plan to meet those EN's as best you can.

Give it a few months (no R talk while your doing it, just do it). Keep in mind you are working on yourself. Trying the be the best H you can be.

Hopefully she will notice the change and want to reciprocate. (Your trying to move her from the taker to the giver). If during any of this time she wants to talk to MC, set up a session with SH for her.

Pick a time frame for how long you can do this and do it. If after that time no progress, then yes, you may need to move on. But we can get to that if the time comes. At that point you go to something like a Plan B. If that doesn't help, then a Plan D.

I rushed through this, so if you have any specific questions, let me know.

Also, please listen to others opinions, cause I'm no more an expert than you. Just trying to help.

Yearsofhurt - I feel your pain and I think that your coming to this site means you want to work this out, but you are still hurting so bad. It's normal............I still feel a lot of hurt and anger and I'm about two years out as well.

I'm not sure how to take what you said about your wife because on the surface it sounds as though she feels somewhat entitled to her affair and doesn't realize how it impacted you or your marriage. I don't mean to be judgemental, but that is a big hurdle for you both. My MC was really bad as well and basically told my H he didn't have to discuss anything, we just needed to fix the marriage and act as though the affair wasn't the biggest issue - that is so wrong and I don't think anyone here will argue that! There seem to be alot of bad counselors out there these days and they have no concept on how to deal with infidelity.

There are so many good people here that can offer you advice, but you need to provide a few more details - nothing personal merely to set the stage of what is going on. For instance, how long was the affair, how did you find out or did she confess, is the other man married, how does she know the other man, is there any contact between them at all, and how long have you been married. It will make a difference on how people respond to you. Vague details will not help you a whole lot because different situations require different actions. Also, are your children younger or teenagers? You don't need to give exact ages..................

Here are some posters you could look up - Pepperband (probably has done more for me than any marriage counselor) ; MelodyLane, Ark, WAT, Bob Pure, Mortarman and too many others to mention. They may not be around much with the weekend coming up, but you could call them out to view your thread.

I really see hope in your situation or you wouldn't be here, but it will require you and your wife to do some hard work. Unfortunately, the BS may have to pull the FWS along at first - I still have to do that with my H. I am learning to talk about things in a way that he feels comfortable with and it has taken me almost two years to figure out what that is. By the way, he never gave too many details either, but I have still been able to find out the important things without too many of those. It hurts that I don't know the whole story, but it is more important to figure out the why I guess.

Good Luck to you.............

You guys are making me think too much. LOL. Well I want to say I think we had good MC's. The problem I had with the sessions was that my wife was not being truthfull with the MC's. My W's A lasted for a month of physical contact and a few weeks of calls. I was lucky that I didn't have to deal with the thought of her being with the OM again because he lived 3,000 miles away. She broke it off before I found out. When she presented the A to the MC's she left out most of what happened. When we went to the second MC I was very upset when we left because of the advice she was giving. I asked my W what she told her and she minimized what happened. When I had my session I told her everything I knew at that time about what happened. She basically said well that changes everything in regards to the advice I would have given. The MC actually had to tell my W that if she was not going to be honest about what happened she could not help us. We stopped going because my wife would not be honest.

The reason it bothers me so much that my W will not discuss the situation is because she did not hide what she was doing. The A took place in one of my family members homes. The OM rented a basement apartment from them. In other words he lives under the same roof as my family members. While she was out my Family watched our children. She took our children out with them on some occasions. The problem is that she knew the whole time that I was going to find out more and more details but she was never the person that gave them to me. On several innstances her actions were brought to my attention by my Kids. Then she would admit it and say oh I forgot about that. Then the famous well thats in the past there is nothing I can do about it now.

In the two and a half years since the A I cannot honestly remember one thing she has admitted to that I didn't already know and confront her about because it was eating me up inside.

My kids are now 6 and 10 years old. My 10 year old basically knows what happened. When she was having the A my W had a physical altercation with my Family member because they knew what she was doing. She wanted to go out with the OM and my family member said she couldn't go because they were not going to watch my kids while she went out. My children witnessed this and my 10 year old blurted out I don't want another daddy and I know mommy is not treating daddy fairly.

Now she seems to want to go bankrupt on the past. She basically has told me there is no way she can ever make up for what she has done. Any time I have brought up the love bank she says she doesn't agree with it. I know if it were the other way around she would be a big believer. Since the A she has actually taken more out then she has put in. When I bring this up I get I wish I wouldn't have done that or I wish I would have done this but what am I supposed to do now. It seems like she just wants to go bankrupt and start a new line of credit.

She actually asked if she could go back to where she had the A (to see family) and told me at some point I have to trust her. I told her at some point she has to start earning my trust. She refuses to earn it by being honest she just wants me to give it to her.

I am getting very concerned because where I live the divorce laws change depending on the term of your marriage. If I stay for another year it will cost me anywhere between fifty to a hundred thousand dollars more over the next 10 years.