Hi, i desperately need help from you knowledgable folks here.

First let me say that i have a GREAT marriage in ALL other aspects. We also have a 6 yr old and 2 month old at home.

Also let me state that i am the best husband i can possibly be. I give my wife attention, affection, and appreciation. Our marriage works great and we really don't have any love busters.

THE PROBLEM: My wife says she and her body is "numb" to anything romantic or sexual. She says even our kissing, cuddling, or touching can't get her "ready" or "in the mood." She sais she just simply feels nothing.....or numb. She can't even touch herself to get ready for intimacy. We have tried everything and anything, beleive me, she REALLY can't ever get into the mood.

She says she knows it is all in her mind, and she DESPERATELY wants me and to make love and be close to me, and feel that affection. She says when she tries, thoughts come into her head of the kids, or that someone will come knocking on the door, come in, and stuff that like. She told me that is maybe why she goes wild whenever we say in a hotel....but who can LIVE in a hotel??? In the few times we do have sex, she sais she can't focus on the romantic passion or anything. She just thinks "let's hurry up and get this over with." I can be the most romantic guy alive for months......still nothing will make her "into me." She sais it's not me, and i believe her. She WANTS to want me, but she just can't. I asked her if another man would bring her sexual side back, she responds with an ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! So that makes me feel good anyways i guess.

She has been on Paxil for about a year and is on the shot for birth control. Maybe that affects something. She says she just sees herself as "mom" now. I tell her that kids come and go, but our love and passion need to remain strong for our marriage to be healthy.

At this point she does not want to see a doctor. She has no past of sexual abuse or anything like that....atleast not that she has ever told me, and i think she would.

So what advice can anyone give to me?? She knows what is wrong and wants to bring back the passion for herself and for me. She just can't help it, or can't get her mind right. We are both searching for answers here. We need to bring the passion back in our marriage. It effects me too, becuase when i know SHE isn't into it, it affects the man BIGTIME...and i HATE this!!

I need her to want me again.....desperately!

Also, let me just add one more thing. She is honestly getting sick and tired of even "trying" anymore, because she knows it won't work.

I tell her we HAVE to try and get over this TOGETHER....we HAVE to work on this part of our marriage.

At this point, it has become to frustrating for her to even work on this. She would rather just accept this, roll over, and go to sleep.

Welcome to MB. I can sympathize; we have similar issues and I share your frustration.

Was she like this before the 2 month old was born? How was your sex life before marriage? Before the 6 year old was born?

2 months after birth might be expecting a bit much so soon. With a new baby, women go through body image issues, touch overload, extreme exhaustion, and just thinking of the million-and-one things that have to be done. Plus things might still be a bit sore 'down there'.

Thanks for the response. Yeah, i am HOPING that such a young child in the home MIGHT be aiding to the cause of this, and that it might get better. Right now i am not so sure though. The birth was through cesarian.

Sex before marriage was AWESOME. Even during my first childs early years it was awesome. Ofcourse we were younger.

I am now 31, her 28. I don't think it is helping that she sees herself as "older" now. She sees herself as "mom" now. Also, we had to move.....we moved into town and our lives just seem less "private." I also bought the house i grew up in from my parents, which three years ago she loved the idea. My parents still live close-by, but I honestly think my parents bug ME more than her.

I am actually thinking of putting our house up for sale, maybe move into the country somewhere again so we can have a sense of "private-ness" back into our lives.

Maybe this has nothing to do with it though, i dunno. I am just guessing at this point. I do know part of her problem is she doesn't think we have enough private time/space. But, even if we moved, we still take our 2 kids with us!!!

Maybe this is just her easiest excuse? I would hate to go in complete financial hock and move simply to fish for a solution with our sex lives. Maybe i have to though, i dunno. I do know i am willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES!

YOu need to talk to a Dr. about th emeds, and see if there are other options.

I know that when I was taking Paxil, I felt numb as well. I wanted to make love, but it just wouldn't happen. My mind kept wondering. You might want to have her check with the dr on maybe trying something else. Also, I had severe side effects when I quit taking Paxil. So just be aware that there is the possibility of withdrawal symptoms when getting off Paxil. It's in the very fine print on the box.

she gave birth 2 months ago, has had a birth control shot AND has been on paxil for over a year???

NO WONDER!! that poor girls hormones are all messed up.
YOU need to relax. be patient.

read up on sex after childbirth, hormones and how medications, especially anti-d's (including birth control pills) can mess w/ the sex drive.

jeez, Dr's suggest 6 weeks after giving birth. it's only been 8.

The problem is:

I can't seem to get her off the AD's, and she needs to be on birth control. I have tried to tell her to get her tubes tied, or i could get fixed, but she wants the possibility of one more child available.

She is in the process of switching from Paxil to Effexor, maybe that will help? Also, i have scheduled marriage counseling....we start monday.

Yeah, i know, the AD's and Birth control are sexual killers, but it seems not much i can do about that right now. Am i just screwed???

no, you are not screwed, but i do think you need to be more patient.

what was she on the ADS's for in the first place?
did she start on them while she was pregnant?

Paxil I would rank up there with one of the top sex drive killers. I probably have tried all the antidepressants and Paxil works a number on you. And if your wife just had a baby too, she is still in recovery mode, not to mention she is having to deal with being a new mom again. So give her a little slack on that.

If she is switching to Effexor, that will help some. Effexor works on Seratonin and Norepinephrine. The Norepinephine will give her a little boost. She just has to make sure she takes her dosages on schedule because it's not as forgiving if you forget a dosage.

Other ADs that don't affect sex drive as much are Wellbutrin and Cymbalta.

Another thought is to add in a drug like Requip, which is used for restless leg syndrome. The drug increases dopamine levels, which plays upon the receptors used for sex. There have been some studies to suggest the drug may be helpful for those taking antidepressants, although it has not been conclusive. It would be something to ask your doctor about.

This was some statistical information I found on Requip use in a study to improve libido in AD users:
Overall, seven of 13 patients (54%) were rated as responders on the Clinical Global Impression of Improvement Scale. The addition of ropinirole may represent a potentially useful treatment strategy for antidepressant-induced sexual dysfunction.

ASkme, thanks for your advice, it is GREATLY appreciated.

Nia- She started taking AD's a few years ago after a first son was born. She would just be very down and sleep ALL the time. Also, she would be afraid to go out in public among people....even afraid to use or answer the telephone.

She is just on it for depression/anxiety at its most common form I guess. I still blame myself though, I think that if i made her life better somehow she wouldn't need to be on them. I know that is not the case though and i can't beat myself up over it.