Hi just wnated to know how to get responses the way the rest of you do?? I have support outside of MB but they think that MB ideas are not the way to go. I think that if you haven't been through an A then it is hard to know what you would do or feel.

Question #1- what is good time away from your spouse? -he says I am controlling and I feel betrayed by his lack of honesty in where he is going. He always springs things on me at he last moment. This always has been the case. B. A. and after. I feel out with the buddies drinking in a bar is not acceptable. Am I being too harsh????

Q#2- What about exposure? I did this all wrong. I exposed and didn't tell him about the exposure, because he threatened not to go anywhere that people knew. this is Very much not like me to not tell him everything. I am honest to the point of him not wanting to hear certain details.

Q#3- I feel that to get over this, I need to know what happend during the affair-how it started, when it ended, why he felt he needed to do this... He has attempted to answer but only if I ask specific questions. Then he complains I aks too many questions. If I don't know the problem how can I fix it. I have done plan A and I am 99% sure it is over with them. Now it is a matter of when to start recovery? When do I begin to work this through? when we are happy, I don't want to ruin that, when things are not going well bringing this up makes it worse.


TRuly I am confused and would love to hear some honest answers to my query. I have read surviving an A and HIs needs, her needs. We also have the workbook five steps to romantic love.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!

cfc,

Good luck is all I can say. I have been going through the same thing for quite sometime. As a matter of fact when I read your post I thought I wrote it.

I can't speak to your first two questions but your third one is what I have been struggling through myself.

The question I have is what do you mean when things are going good? Who are they going good for you or him? For me when my WW says things are going good what it really means is that we have not discussed her A or dealt with the situation. How many times when things "were going good" were you getting what you wanted or needed?

Your H needs to be RADICALLY HONEST with you. Too bad if he gets pissed off. He is the one who had the A correct? And he expects his W NOT to ask questions? That is total BS.

And mind you, I was a FWW.

Nothing is going to change until he is radically honest, transparent, and an open book.

These are things HE must do in order to work on the M.

cfc, why did you expose and then hide the exposure? Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose?

Is he still in his affair?

cfc...

I hear you saying what YOU are doing to try and recover...I don't hear anything about what your husband is doing towards that...and he MUST DO...TOTAL TRANSPARENCY...You need to be given his passwords to email accts, access to his phone, EVERYTHING-People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing...And Melody is right, for exposure to be effective he MUST know about it-more than likely his threats are just that, THREATS, but if not, he is the one that will be effected by choosing not to be around those people that know-he MUST face what he has done, OWN it and accept the consequences for his behavior-that's what grown-ups with integrity do...I too wonder how you know that the affair is over, can you clarify?

Mrs. W

Edited to add...I do NOT think that it is appropriate for a married man to go out drinking at a bar with his buddies...especially when he's had an affair!

Q1 - It is impropper for him to be going to a bar with his buddies

Q2 - You don't warn people in an affair about exposure - you just do it.

Q3 - You may have read HNHN and SAA but if you are asking this question you definitely didn't understand them.

Is your H on board with this recovery? Can you go to a MB weekend? Can you get councelling with the Harleys? Can you purchase the Home Study Course?

Everyone has asked you some great questions and given something to think about.

First off, hugs.

Secondly, I wanted to tell you to STOP being afraid of losing your H. I think you fear something you're gonna do is gonna be the final straw for him. But he had the affair, cfw, not you. He has to help work at making this right now, too.

You have to set some boundaries for yourself, claim them, and enforce them. You shouldn't have to continue living this way in fear of making the "happy" times go away. I am not suggesting splitting--I am suggesting you let him know what YOU need to recover from this--none of this sweeping it under the rug stuff and getting angry at YOU when you need to talk about the A. To me, your H does not sound remorseful or repentant.

From what I have read here, it seems liek WS's come in all forms--some are remorseful immediately, some sit on the fence, some just leave (mine), etc--but that recovery doesn't happen until they are repentant and willing to do whatever it takes to get to that point of recovery.

What do you need to recover from this?

I have been thinking about what yearsofhurt said about "what do I mean things are good?"? I guess I mean we are not arguing or discussing the affair. YOu are right about his needs being met. Mine definately are not. He appeases me when I beg for affection, sex, but refuses to initate. He says I am not attractive because all I do is talk about the affair. He is trying to live life like before without addresing the issue. I can do this most of the time, but like clockwork one time a week I need to address my feeling otherwise I am a mess.

Have you gotten the whole story from your WW. I hope that you have made some progress. Let me know how you are doing. It is nice to know that others feel the same. good luck

Hi I am trying to respond to all of the wonderful responses I got. It gives me courage to hear encouragement from others. In response to sadandconfused7 I know you are correct about the radically honest thing, but HOW? At first his response was it is not fair for me to tell you about her life- WHATEVER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

It is my business when my husband is with her.

Now he says I don't care about that anymore, but I have told you everything- I know this is not true. I am almost certain he didn't end it with her for another two months after he said. I found her number hiddenn on his cell phone several times. He says I am sneaky to find these things out. He says I have to have my phone checked by you forever... he says A lot, but he doesn't say anything productive!!!

I exposed to the parents of a new school (70% of my parents have been through the same thing- none have survuved the A- isn't that sad??) that I opened this year as they could tell when I had to go to school the day after I found out in tears that I was a mess!!! The first few days were really hard as I am a teacher who owns a new school and I have no substitue or anyone to recover for me. I had to go on with my life like normal but still deal with all the pain. It was probaly the best for me in the scheme of things.

I also told my DAD -who my H adores and his wife, because H abandoned me and the kids for two days- I had no one else to turn to. Also my two close friends from forever also know. I really told only enough people for support. He threatened to not go places because I had told them. For my school we have a lot of events that I needed him to attend. It was a mess. I also was really bad and told his best friend hoping to get some idea about what was going on to make him do this. I also thought that my H could use some support, But he has yet to tell a soul and lives life like nothing happend.


As for is he still in the affair. I really do not think so. I knew from day 1 the last time that he was having an affair. I know my H very well and could tell that there was an issue. I asked him from day one of the affair- are your cheating?? NO was always the answer! I think I have prodded enough to know there is nothing now. I can do everything in the world and he could still be hiding an EA through his work email or phones, but there is no SA going on. He leaves for work on time, returns earlier than ever and is with me the rest of the time. I make random calls to cell and to work to make sure that he is where he says he is.I also have been checking credit cards, and cell phone bills, and paystubs to make sure he is where he says he is.

I am not sure that I am dealing with a grown-up with integrity- or at times it seems like that. How big of me to forgive and offer forgetting to someone who disregards my feelings for his pride. I hope eventually he will grow-up until then. "I am going keep on loving you cause its the only thing I want to do..."


Killing him with kindness until he is ready is the best I have.


I don't think bar hopping is a responsible parent thing to do either thanks for the vote of confidence.

thanks for your response rack two up for the no bar visits now I wish my H felt the same way.

I have read up to the recovery part in SAA and through the sexual fufillment in the HNHN because I have been reading them with H when we get a chance. So maybe I have missed the earth shattering advise on what I am doing wrong- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> please lead me if you know or even refer me to pages in the books. I am wondering if I should read them and write comments where I need to tell him something.

H is aboard some ship <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but I am not sure it is the one destined for recovery. I think he may have caught the another ship. I think I will have to retrive him and start the journey again. Poor chap is as lost if not more than I am . he is really a sad fellow. Even though this hurts every bone in my body, I so wish it would have the A only hurt mine. I shutter to think he has been hurt- maybe that is why I try to protect him from his consequences at the sake of my own recovery which ruins it for the both of us. CAn't afford the prices of the MB counseling, could probaly do a MB weekend with help from family the hardest part being the kids finding a home while we are away.

H says he wants to work on it, but I feel doesn't have a clue to what that entails. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It seems to me that his behavior might be more a reaction to his health issues. Maybe if you give it more time and relax a little, he will come around.

Would he enjoy going out to a bar with you?

I may have read something wrong- Isn't is true that some WH are not repented ever? I definately have one of those on my hands.

I definatly am afraid of losing him. Whe he abandoned us one weekend- I mean walked out, said nothing and didn't call for two days, I was a wreck!!! Not to mention what to tell my 2 and 5 year old???

I feel that I have lost so many love deposits that I could deal with it much better now. I know that eventually life would be better, but to go through the first steps is always an event.

About talking to him:
I think it is about being respectful of his wants too. He is not ready to talk, how long can I hold out with this feeling ??? I ma not sure. He is ready to only give me pieces. I can;t force him. I can only explain how I feel hurt and what my needs are and hope for a response.

He needs to own up to some things, but how to get him to meet these problems is beyond me. We have seen a MC who sent him right to the edge!!!H has special needs- he is emotionally unfunctionalble (is that a word? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) Has much baggage that needs to be dealt with also.


SO what you are saying is I need to set some limits and tell him what I need or what? should I try plan B if this doesn't work???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Are plan A and B just for if the other is having an A or to work on getting you ready for recovery?

If it is pre-recovery, How do you know you are ready to move on? you both are commited to making it right?

Yeah believer he likes bar hopping with me, but wants time on his own to be his own person. Says it is his biggest emotional need to have his own freedom to do whateer he wants. I feel whatever he wants within the limits- no bars, no secret lives. If he was open about everything, I would have been secure in our relationship and would have a problem with anything!!!

Do the two of you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things WITHOUT the children?

Ah Repentance. The Holy Grail of the BS.

After H definitely has NC, goes through withdrawal, you will probably get an apology. Then at some stage you will see some repentance. We are 8 months into recovery now and barely a day goes by that my wife doesn't say sorry. She is torturing herself ATM. I really wish she wasn't.

Thanks for all the help and encouragement. I finally told my H that there was no way that i could continue to guess about what happend with the OW. I needed him to tell me answers to recover from this. I also said that if this was not his plan then things would not work out with us. That took a lot of courage on my part. He said are you threatening me?? My response was NO I just know that I am unable to stay with someone who can't be radiacally honest. I also asked why wouldn't he tell me if he had nothing to hide? I also asked why wouldn;t you do something to help me feel better after causing so much pain? He agreed and began the story coaxed by me saying then what? As he would stop and try to change the subject. She is a very touchy subject for him as she wanted to leave her H for my H. My H wanted a responsibility free relationship. To him there was no emotional attachment (I think he is unable to do this) and it was more like a two night stand out of anger towards me.



Now that we have passed this milestone- what is next? I feel like I don't want to continue! i am not sure why. I wanted him sooo much before and now there is nothing. Has anyone else felt like this?

I think it is because he is yet to feel remorse for his actions. He is yet to tell me that he wants me. He is yet to respond.

Confused, CFC

We try really hard to. Each day when he gets home we have at least an hour together. Then almost every night we watch a movie together. This is all new since Christmas when I bought him intelliflix like netflix- we watch a lot of movies now, but previously, we never went on any dates, or spent anytime together alone- mostly all kids stuff. I have also been starting to hire babysitters and have my parents watch the kids. This has made a world of difference!

Bigkahuna - In connection with this repentance that your W finally got, did she keep on reminding you of what you had done to contribute to your M problems? (did you even do anything?).

I am hoping my W will get there one day regarding repentance, but I don't expect it. She's too busy reminding me of my role and dwelling on it....