Posted this on the general forum, then noticed this is the forum that gets the most answers, so posting again:

Hi, i desperately need help from you knowledgable folks here.

First let me say that i have a GREAT marriage in ALL other aspects. We also have a 6 yr old and 2 month old at home.

Also let me state that i am the best husband i can possibly be. I give my wife attention, affection, and appreciation. Our marriage works great and we really don't have any love busters.

THE PROBLEM: My wife says she and her body is "numb" to anything romantic or sexual. She says even our kissing, cuddling, or touching can't get her "ready" or "in the mood." She sais she just simply feels nothing.....or numb. She can't even touch herself to get ready for intimacy. We have tried everything and anything, beleive me, she REALLY can't ever get into the mood.

She says she knows it is all in her mind, and she DESPERATELY wants me and to make love and be close to me, and feel that affection. She says when she tries, thoughts come into her head of the kids, or that someone will come knocking on the door, come in, and stuff that like. She told me that is maybe why she goes wild whenever we say in a hotel....but who can LIVE in a hotel??? In the few times we do have sex, she sais she can't focus on the romantic passion or anything. She just thinks "let's hurry up and get this over with." I can be the most romantic guy alive for months......still nothing will make her "into me." She sais it's not me, and i believe her. She WANTS to want me, but she just can't. I asked her if another man would bring her sexual side back, she responds with an ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! So that makes me feel good anyways i guess.

She has been on Paxil for about a year and is on the shot for birth control. Maybe that affects something. She says she just sees herself as "mom" now. I tell her that kids come and go, but our love and passion need to remain strong for our marriage to be healthy.

At this point she does not want to see a doctor. She has no past of sexual abuse or anything like that....atleast not that she has ever told me, and i think she would.

So what advice can anyone give to me?? She knows what is wrong and wants to bring back the passion for herself and for me. She just can't help it, or can't get her mind right. We are both searching for answers here. We need to bring the passion back in our marriage. It effects me too, becuase when i know SHE isn't into it, it affects the man BIGTIME...and i HATE this!!

I need her to want me again.....desperately!

Anti depressants often have a side effect of sexual supression. Look into it. Post Pardum depression could also be the culprit. A combination of the two even.

If you're seriously meeting her emotional needs and she seriously CAN'T respond sexually, it's time for a MD and a sex therapist to step in.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

not maybe ... but probably

plus being 2 months post-partum is a factor

plus not sleeping is a factor

plus not seeing herself as attractive can be a factor

I am assuming since she is taking Depo shots for contraception she is not nursing the 2 month old... correct?

Pep

uniman,

My FWH could have written this about me a few years back. I knew he was in pain and I ignored his pain. I was hugely embarrased to admit that I couldn't feel passion for a man that I loved a great deal. We, mostly I, needed help desparately. We didn't get it and ultimately, my FWH turned to OW because he needed reassurance that he could still be desired by someone.

I am not defending his affair. There were many things he could have done, like insist that we get counseling. The affair was his choice and it almost ruined us.

Talk to your wife about this, make sure she sees a Dr. and if there isn't a medical reason for this, urge her to seek IC to find out what is causing it.

BTW, we are fine now. Best of luck to you both.

Who

Agree with everything else others said. Also could be hormonal. I know many Rx companies are working on various female sexual dysfunction products, so I would imagine its not that uncommon a problem. If everything you say is correct, she really should see an MD.

Ditto to the above. Your wife sounds like me before my FWH had an A 6 wks ago. I would personally like to plead with her to get help now, not later.

I have 3 kids and 2 months after the 3rd was born my H bought me lingerie and I cried b/c I felt so fat and stupid and ugly.

Does she have any negative past sexual history? It doesn't necessarily mean abuse, but maybe promiscuity or an old BF who treated her badly.

I also desperately wanted to change and meet my H's SF need, but I just didn't until it was too late. Now we have the stumbling block of an A to get over. We will get over it and I have changed. I asked our MC why I am now able to do things sexually w/my H that I couldn't before the A and he said that crisis forces change.

Both of you need to read His Needs Her Needs and Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Also, Becoming One by Joe Beam has a good appendix on overcoming negative sexual history. Five Love Languages is also a good one.

On a light note, over the past couple weeks my H and I have had SF a few times during the day w/3 kids banging on the door and the world did not come to an end!! LOL!

Good luck and my heart goes out to both of you.

uniman,

Just wondering if you guys are overcoming an A or if this is just something that is going on in your M? Just curious since you are on the infidelity forum. If there is an A involved, I would probably give you different advice.

I, too, had a low sex drive pre-A. My H would mention it briefly but we never really talked about it until it was too late and he got it from OW who was more than willing!! Anyway, to get to the point, I see you mentioned about attention, affection, and appreciation which is great, but do you help your W around the house with household chores? This was a MAJOR burden for me. I also have two girls, 8 and 4, and my H never helped me. I also work a full-time job and by the time I got to bed, I was exhausted. Sex was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted to do was sleep. It wasn't that sex wasn't good for me (which my H thought), it was that I just wanted to pass out after such a long day. Also I didn't feel very sexy after getting home from work just to work more. I hate even thinking of it now! Remember it is not you. My H made this mistake and thought he wasn't pleasing me sexually. That wasn't it at all. As someone posted earlier, this could be a EN not met by her and could expose you to an A. You don't want that to happen.

Now that my H has finally talked to me about this and we both realized why I had such a low sex drive, he has been helping me around the house, and our sex life has GREATLY improved. I don't feel so exhausted and burnt out and I actually LOOK FORWARD to SF now more than ever. Of course, after D-day 2 it was hard for me but last night we had SF and it was GREAT.

Also, make sure to compliment her even when she is just around the house in sweats and a T-shirt just to let her know how sexy you think she is no matter what she's wearing.

Hope this helped!

--CO

Oh, I see now you posted on the general forum first, so I take it infidelity is not involved. Sorry I didn't see that earlier.

Knowing that, would give you the same advice I just gave.

--CO

It's not you. It's probably a combination of things, but the Paxil is a big one. My wife had the same problem, switched to Effexor and is much better sexually. Paxil is great for fixing depression, but the sex drive is permanently killed.

Our doctor recommended Effexor, because it is somewhat like Paxil, but also has some of the effect of Wellbutrin which stimulates sexual drive. Ask your doctor if he would give it a try. I don't recommend Wellbutrin, it works for few people and my wife was an emotional wreck.

Thanks so much for all the responses! I actually posted earlier but must have closed out to early because i see it didn't post.

I don't think she has a bad sexual past. Infact, our sex life was GREAT up until about a year ago. Now that i think of it, i believe this was roughly when she started taking paxil.

We actually made love tonight, it was TOUGH for BOTH of us. She still had a hard time getting in the mood, but i was romantic as i could be. She cried throughout the whole thing.....for GOOD reasons i think. My performance sucked under the conditions, but that isn't the point.

Also, no affairs for either of us.

THANK YOU for the advice on the Effexor. At this point, my wife won't go to the doctor strictly for this because she is too "embarassed." But guess what??? She has to go in in a few weeks to renew her depression/anxiety issues. I just think i might tag along with her and mention Effexor! :-)

Paxil is NOTORIOUS for killing your sex drive. "Numb" is a very good way to describe the way you feel on it. So are little babies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm certainly not making light of your situation, it's very sad. What is really good is that your wife really wants to feel sexy again, she knows she can, she hasn't given up completely on herself. The fact that she can let go in a hotel room speaks volumes.

I agree with the others, when she goes to the doctor again she MUST mention this. He's heard it a billion times. Do you know what my doctor told me. She said she always asks women if they have trouble with orgasm on various ADs. She says the saddest ones are the ones who say "I've never had an orgasm, I wouldn't know."

Also, my husband suffered from being unable to O when he was on Paxil. Unfortunately, it took about 18 months from when he finished taking it to be able to function properly again. It was very, very upsetting for both of us.

UPDATE:

Actually been a good couple days....made love a couple times.

We have talked openly about all this stuff, so we are working together. I have learned that a mans happiness is still dependant on making the house "love bank deposit" central.

The bad news is that this technique only works if something REALLY bad has not happened (affair) or even close to something like that, something harder to "repair." That is what is great about our marriage....we have nothing like that going on, which is why I think overall the marriage has been great!

Still, it's weird, and my marriage has ALWAYS been this way. When are are honest, intimate with our talk and all that good stuff, It is usually ME doing A LOT of the talking... my wife is so reserved. Same with showing affection, I always have to do the kissing, I have to do the touching, etc. etc.

I tell my wife that she can say, do anything, and i want to know her feelings, but she usually just says everything is great, she just isn't that "outgoing" with everything is all and really isn't thinking about anything, except for making supper, her boys (children), etc. etc. I have always wondered if this is something to be concerned about?? She has always been sort of "reserved" that like...although she knows or feels as that she never has to be. I am always so outwardly honest and passionate, and she just isn't that way. Maybe this is also just because of the Paxil too?? It's almost like i feel like she is thinking about something bad but she always swears she isn't, does this sound crazy?? Are some people really just not that outgoing or thinking about anything that special or important like that?? OR...is she not being honest about stuff??

Anyways, things seem pretty great right about now. She was even shopping with me in the "fun" section at Wal-mart today (wink wink)!

Thanks for all your help guys, it is SO appreciated!!!!