This one is long, so I apologize ahead of time.
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, we got married last April(He was married before and has a 13 year old son from that relationship). Our relationship has always been really good, we'd fight occassionally, but always over things that we resolved in the end by talking to each other.
One of the things that I always thought was great about us is that we're very different in the things we like to do, but we have similar values. The differences always seemed like strengths to me and we've said that those differences were soemthing that attracted both of us to the other one.
One of the things that he enjoys is riding dirtbikes and motorcycles. These were things that I had never experienced in my life before him, but I've found them entertaining and enjoyable and we often did this together. A few months prior to our wedding, I stopped riding dirt bikes - since its an agressive sport, I often get bruises and little scraps and scratches...I didn't want to be banged up for the wedding. After the wedding I went a few times and then got sick with a bacterial infection that my doctor couldn't fix for about 6 months. As I didn't feel well, I wasn't doing much of anything especially riding. I would feel bad, because I know this is something my husband and I had done together previously, so I would ask him if he was ok that I wasn't going and he'd say "yes." We would still spend time together and enjoy each other, but I told him he could go without me and I was ok with it. I know he loves it and didn't want to hold him back because I wasn't feeling well. Even when I wasn't feeling well, I was still happy in our relationship.
In September we decided to start a family. We were both so excited. In November we even thought I was pregnant and were both SO excited, then both very upset when we figured out I wasn't. In January for New Years, he surprised me by taking me to Reno and Lake Tahoe. On New Year's Eve, he told me that his resolution was to have a happy, healthy baby in 2006.
In the middle of all of this, he changed jobs, with my complete support. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas he had to go to Japan on business for about 2 weeks. The week after New Years, he went back to Japan, this time for close to 6 weeks, he got back right before Valentine's Day. While he was gone, my job had lay offs, at the expense of three of my close friends. Even from Japan, my husband was very supportive. He would call me when he could (the time difference is 17 hours so it was hard but he did it anyways) and would e-mail me almost every day. We would e-mail about all sorts of things, just day to day stuff, I love you's and talking about the baby we hoped to have this year.
For Valentine's Day he had a huge teddy bear delivered to my job with a wonderful poem telling me how our life together feels so right, how lucky he was to have me with him, how our love could conquer distances (I assumed he was referencing his recent and frequent business trips). We also went to see a play, something he's never been big on, but I thought he always went because he knows I love it, but it was never a requirement of our relationship, in fact we don't go that often - I think we've only been to about 7 plays in our 7 year relationship.
At any rate, I thought we were in a great place, everything seemed to be coming together. We were SO excited to see each other when he got back from that 6 week trip, we would send each other e-mails daily saying how much longer it was till we got to see each other.
When he got back, things were initially great, but about a week after V-Day, he just kind of shut down on me. He was distant, moody, he'd always been affectionate and gave me lots of hugs and stuff, now there was nothing. I would ask what was wrong and he'd say "nothing". Inititally I just brushed it off as he was tired. It was only a week to ten days since he got back from Japan - I assumed he was just exhausted and jetlagged. But when it never stopped, I started to feel rejected and unloved. I would ask again if something was wrong and would get the same answer, "nothing".
About two weeks after this started, he was sent back to Japan for a week for follow-up on the project he'd worked on on the last two trips. For our entire relationship, when he'd leave on these trips, the morning he left I could always count on him having about 30 minutes after we woke up that were just for me - our time to say goodbye and spend a little time together before he left. We'd just talk or maybe things would get more intimate, but it was our time. But this time, he just jumped out of bed and ignored me completely.
I was very upset, he'd been distant and avoiding spending time with me for about two weeks. I was even to upset to verbalize what I was upset about to him. So I wrote him a little note, nothing mean, but just saying I was worried about him and I felt like something was wrong because he was avoiding me, being moody, etc. And to please let me know what was going on because I was upset about it. I gave it to him and he said he'd read it later. He gave me a hug and was out the door to the airport.
While he was gone he sent me an e-mail and said that in short, he wasn't happy with the state of our marriage. He felt that I had been dishonest with him in my level of enjoyment in riding motorcycles and dirt bikes with him and that he hated having to "trade" that hobby for a night at a play just to get me to go with him. He left it at that but said that we should talk when he got back from his trip.
So we talked and he repeated most of the above. I tried to explain to him that this was not how I felt and that I had never been dishonest with him, and that I was very sorry if I had said or done something that made him think or feel otherwise. I truly loved doing these things with him but other circumstances were involved that had been out of my control. Now that the winter weather was leaving I had intended to start doing these things with him again. He basically said he didn't believe me and that he feels our marriage was a mistake. he also said he no longer wanted children with me.
All of this was a complete surprise to me...we've only had fights once and awhile, but they were always over something silly, like cleaning the house or doing yard work. Nothing ever that was relationship ending.
Now, three months later, he hasn't touched me sexually even though he sleeps in the same bed with me. He won't hold my hand. He won't give me a hug. When we watch TV in the evenings he sits as far away on the sofa as he can. He will give me one kiss a day when he drops me off at work (we commute together). Otherwise, there is no affection, no love, no intimacy. We still talk and joke around with each other like we always did, we seem to genuinely enjoy one another and we don't fight at all...but there is nothing more than that either.
We've started marriage counseling, just had our 2nd session today, but he has a wall up and is seemingly unwilling to really put the effort in. I on the other hand am just so confused. Four months ago I had a husband who was very affectionate, told me he loved me, we had a great sex life and no to be here and he seems to be giving up on us....I am heartbroken and don't understand what has happened.
Today we had individual counseling and I told the counselor all of this. He said he thinks for some reason my husband is being selfish and childish, though he isn't sure yet how to approach this with my husband (he's still trying to figure out our individual personalities). He told me to hang in there and to try to give my husband some space, that he may be feeling like with his job and with us talking about starting a family, maybe my husband is feeling trapped.
After my husband went in for his individual session, he told me that he thinks he isn't a good match for me. I just don't understand this and can't figure out how to help turn things around. I've read all the basic concepts and they make sense, but with my husband being so unwilling to open up it just seems impossible.
My mind just keeps spinning and my heart breaking...I know it's only been two sessions with a marriage counselor, but I just feel like a 7 year relationship is now rapidly going down the hole, all our dreams for our future together are going with it and I have no control in the situation. I lvoe my husband, but he's very stubborn and once he gets something in his head, it's hard to change his mind.
HELP! Any advice or words of wisdom would be most appreciated!
