Hello everyone, this is my first time on here so sorry if this is a bit long.

My husband and I are both 46, we’ve been together 21 yrs and we have a daughter who’s almost 19 and we/I have a Son 23 from my first marriage, H has also been married before but has no other children. We work together in my families business where we are in joint partnership with my Aunt, Uncle and Sister.

We always enjoyed each others company, mostly to the exclusion of other people (his choice) and we more or less shared the same hobbies. We always flirted with each other and were always telling each other “I love you millions” that was our saying, we’d even hold hands travelling in the car, we really were a soppy, loving pair and everyone is so surprised this has happened to us.

H told me out of the blue that he had someone else at the end of June 05 and walked out of our home to live with o/w (also 46 who walked out on her H and D 20) at the end of July after completely cutting himself off from us (we hardly saw him) whilst he was still living in the family home. H says the affair started at end of May 05 but I think it was an emotional affair for a good few months before.

I think he’s in the grip of a MidLife Crisis (MLC) but I also keep questioning myself if I’m just looking for some kind of hope to hold onto and not facing the fact that it could be all over between us because he really doesn’t love me anymore….please read on and see what you think as your opinions may help me to detach and focus on myself and our D. Although I know nobody really knows what’s going on in his mind, it helps to get other people’s opinions who are maybe going through the same sort of thing.

H comes from a dysfunctional family….Mother a long term alcoholic and Father worked all hours to keep H and his two younger Sisters fed and clothed but sometimes they went hungry because his Mother drank away the money and they never had a holiday as they couldn’t afford one….his Mother had too many pets (they always got fed!) to be able to go on holiday even if they could have afforded it.

My Father-in-law was diagnosed with a rare strain of Cancer towards the end of 1997.
2000….both of his parents were seriously ill in hospital at the same time, F-I-L with Cancer, M-I-L with heart problems, she wasn’t expected to survive. Whilst my H travelled the hundreds of miles to visit them I stayed at home and looked after the family and home and also kept everything running smooth with the family business….which he always said he was grateful for and appreciated my support more than words could say.
2001….F-I-L had a brain tumour removed which left him less independent and H had to visit their home regularly, they lived five minutes drive from us, to make sure he was ok because M-I-L was back on the drink again.
Late 2001….F-I-L had a second brain tumour removed.
Middle of 2002….A third brain tumour was discovered and F-I-L was told there was nothing they could do for him….it was the beginning of the end.

Late 2002….F-I-L’s condition deteriorated and M-I-L couldn’t cope with him so he had to go into a Hospice, although he was nowhere near the “end”, as there were no beds available for him in a nursing home. F-I-L was so depressed at being in there and thought we were all keeping the truth from him….that he was near the end….also he would go to sleep and wake up to find the other people in the ward had died during the night so he became afraid to go to sleep in case he didn’t wake up again. My H visited his Dad every night and would feed him and then later he would help to put him to bed. He was really upset that his Dad was in there and blamed his Mother because of her drinking and also because the family couldn’t look after him themselves, he felt helpless and that he’d let his Dad down when he needed him most.
Xmas 2002….we had a large Xmas dinner at our house with H’s Mother, Sister’s and their families as we knew this would be F-I-L’s last one, when he arrived we didn’t think he would make it through to the New Year….H was visibly shaken when he saw him as he’d only seen him the night before and he had deteriorated within the few short hours since.

Jan 2003….F-I-L was moved into a nursing home, he was so glad to be out of the Hospice and seemed to perk up a bit but after a few weeks depression set in again. H was still going in every night (4.30pm-10.00pm) and we had no life of our own but I didn’t mind as I knew the time H spent with his Dad was precious and it was running out fast. When H came home he was always solemn and he wouldn’t talk about it so we would just cuddle up on the settee and kiss and hold each other….we didn’t need words to comfort each other, we instinctively knew how each other felt.
July….F-I-L died alone in the early hours, he was in his mid 60’s. H never showed any real emotion and wouldn’t let me accompany him to see his Dad to say goodbye but went with his Brother-In-Law instead….I was quite upset by that but I didn’t say anything, H thought he was protecting me from the upset of seeing him I suppose. At the funeral H showed no emotion and I was shocked. Outside afterwards he held me so tight and didn’t want to let go, when he did he had a tear in his eye and that was the only emotion he showed. A few weeks later he said to me that he didn’t know what he would have done without my support over the past 9 months and how much he loved and appreciated me.
Xmas 2003….our D was taken by ambulance to hospital after collapsing in the early hours of Xmas Eve….we didn’t know if she would be home for Xmas but thankfully it was a bug she’d picked up and was allowed home later that day.

End of July 2004….a year after his Dad had died H had erection problems, again I didn’t put any extra pressure on him and just reassured him that I loved him and said it was most likely down to it being his Dad’s 1st anniversary….after H left us I discovered empty Viagra packages with receipts (dated end of July) which he’d purchased without my knowledge, it did the trick but we didn’t make love as frequently as we used to and he lost interest in even trying to turn me on or letting me turn him on.
Sept 2004….M-I-L said she had a bad headache, a few hours later she collapsed suddenly and was rushed to hospital where H was told there was nothing they could do for her. Her death came 14 months after F-I-L’s and she was also in her mid 60’s.
H definitely didn’t show any emotion over his Mother’s death and after the funeral and wake when it was just his Sisters and us left sitting around, H said “I’m the oldest now, it’ll be my turn next!” We were all talking about how M-I-L hadn’t really got over F-I-L’s death and how he would have been completely gutted and lost without her if she had been the one to die first, H wouldn’t accept this and just couldn’t understand how his Dad could have loved his Mum with the way they argued and how she treated him (both mentally and physically) this really bugged him and he said “Dad would have been much happier without her and could have enjoyed his life”.

After his Dad died he started to change and he became more reserved….it’s only now, looking back that I’ve been able to see that change in him and after his Mother’s death he started to drink more (he was still drinking when he left) and became impatient and couldn’t be bothered with anyone at work….he was getting restless.

Jan 2005 he said he was bored and wanted to do a chef’s course if I didn’t mind, which I said I didn’t. He asked me if I wanted to do it with him but I said it would do him good to get out and meet more people, I thought it would help bring him out of the bad moods that he seemed to be getting more frequently….it did that alright, he met o/w on that course!

Feb….we owned a motorhome and enjoyed weekends away…the last one being Valentine’s weekend when he asked me to buy him a new engagement ring to replace his old broken one. We also talked about buying a much larger motorhome and made plans to travel all over the country in it.
March….at Easter time he confessed that he had given the Dr’s the go ahead to give his Dad drugs that would make him more “comfortable” (4 days later he was dead) without first discussing it with his Mum and Sisters. He then told me that he’d told the Dr’s to switch off his Mum’s life support machine when they had told him there was nothing they could do, knowing that one of his Sisters was on her way to the hospital. He asked me how I could still love a ****** like him after what he’s done….I reassured him that I did.
April….he caused a big argument between us….we rarely argued as we seemed to agree on almost everything we did….we were sole mates….or so I thought.
May….early in the month he bought our D a brand new car even thought she was only just learning to drive and by the end of may he had put down a very large sum of money as a deposit on a brand new sports car (which I also liked).
End of June….he came home in the early hours from his course and I was in bed, the next day he asked if I was going to have a go at him for being home late then told me he had someone else. From the moment he confessed he cut right off from us, he didn’t even say why he had found someone else….he would stay out until the early hours and was sleeping in the dinning room, oddly enough he would still walk round the house naked and he would even make me a cup of coffee. I did nothing for him…. no washing or cooking etc.

End of July he left to live with o/w.

After thinking back I’ve realised that after his confession at Easter he started to distance himself from me, but only slightly….did he really think I wouldn’t still love him or was this when the E/A began to take off?

When I finally got him to talk about why he’d left me this is our little conversation:
H “ I don’t love you anymore and don’t want to be with you, I’ve felt like this since Mum and Dad were both ill in hospital (2000) over the months this has changed to when his Dad died (2003) and then to when he was first diagnosed with Cancer (1997)….he can’t make his mind up!
H “I don’t want to end up like my parents always arguing all the time”.
Me “What are you talking about, we rarely argue”
Me “Why did you put down all that money on the car if you were leaving me?”
H “I didn’t know I was leaving you then”.
Me “I was so looking forward to us spending more time away together on our own in our motorhome”.
H “So was I”
Me “Where are you going to live?”
H “Don’t know, I didn’t plan any of this”
Me “Why did you always say how much you loved me if it wasn’t true?”
H “I just said what you wanted to hear”
He went on to say I was hard to please in bed….we were nearly always in sync and it wasn’t until he stopped trying that it started to go wrong….I’m not a bloody light bulb who can be turned on and off a the flick of a switch.
H also said “ You always got what you wanted when you were a kid and you were spoilt”, that’s not true, if I wanted anything I had to save for it and my parents would sometimes say they would match what I saved if it was for something large like a bike. H always spoilt our kids saying they were getting the things his Dad could never afford to buy them (him and his Sisters) as kids and there was no way ours would go without like they had to.
H also complained that we always did things with my family but never with his….he enjoyed doing things with my family but didn’t want anything to do with his, although we did go away with them on a couple of occasions as they had motorhomes to.

Sept 05….H asked me to divorce him on the grounds of his adultery, I told him I wasn’t going to do it and why does he want to get divorced so quick anyway, he replied “Nothing will split me and o/w up, I’m not coming back to you even if we did and why would you want a ****** like me back after what I’ve done to you, you don’t deserve a ****** like me and I’m not going through all this ****** not to get a divorce at the end of it”. Since then he’s threatened me with divorce almost every month and when I ask him if he’s done anything about it he says “Not yet, but don’t you worry I will be soon”. He told my Aunt he’s not done it yet because our D won’t speak to him every time he mentions about it to her….that’s total rubbish….and o/w says there’s money, so it’s not down to money….maybe he’s not sure he wants one? A few months ago o/w was telling everyone she was changing her name to his even though there has been talk about them getting married….I asked H why doesn’t she just wait a few months until he sorts out the divorce and he replied “If she changes her name I won’t have to marry her will I?”, when I looked at him with surprise he said “I will be marrying her at some point though”.

O/w sends him into work with love bites on his neck….he hates them and used to have a go at the kids if they had any!
They go on holidays abroad….always said he wouldn’t waste his money going abroad!
They live in a house near the beach….he’s a country person and doesn’t like the beach!
Goes to watch musicals….definitely not his thing at all!
Goes home early from work saying he’s feeling sick and is rarely at work these days….in all the years we’ve been together I can count the days he’s been off sick on one hand and he used to be a workaholic!….he says no one wants him there and it winds him up that no one will give him the time of day because he’s letting the company down….it’s all our fault!
Has now bought the make of luxury car I wanted us to buy and in the same colour….he didn’t want to buy that make of car because he said he didn’t want an “old man’s car” and wanted a more sportier car!
Doesn’t make an effort to contact the kids (unless they’re doing something o/w wants me to know about then he does)….he was always best friends with them.
The list goes on….he’s doing everything opposite to how he used to be.

When he first walked out I took off my wedding rings, a month later I notice he’d taken his off and said to him “You’ve finally taken your ring off then?” to which he replied “It didn’t take you long to take yours off did it!
We used to share a work area (we always had a crafty snog, grope or cuddle when no one else was around) and when I moved into another area he couldn’t believe it and was most put out!
At work when I talk about something, within a couple of days he’s talking about something similar.
When I was talking to my Sister about buying a car, the next day he used o/w’s car just to rub my nose in it that they’ve got two cars….I’m glad I have an effect on their lives without even trying.
A month ago our D and myself (S has his own flat) moved into his late parents country cottage (we were in the process of renovating it when he walked out) and I had to sort out and pack all our stuff myself….all his belongings that he was supposed to have collected months ago I took into work for him to sort out….after I went back to work after having had week off for moving, I went to my drawer that was in our joint work area and all my stuff had gone (it was only my hairbrush and a few photos and old notes) when I asked H what he had done with them he said he’d thrown them out, when I asked why he said “you’ve been throwing stuff out”, “not of yours I haven’t” I replied….was he expecting to be coming back then?!

I still love him and want him back but o/w is very determined to keep him and he is mesmerised by her, while she’s obsessed with him. She’s got him well and truly under her thumb and wears the trousers in their house….that’s not like him either, we were equal partners with give and take on both sides.

How can he have lived with me and said and done all the things he did if he hadn’t loved or wanted to be with me for all those years, especially when his parents were so ill, I would have thought all that stress would have made him leave if he didn’t really want to be with me….this is why I’m convinced it’s MLC, although it doesn’t make the situation any easier.

So there it is, sorry it’s so long.

What do you think has happened….MLC or do you think he’s left because he’s fallen in love with o/w?

Hugs to all of you in the same situation as myself, tiz_me [color:"blue"] [/color]

just being sure...

he's been consistently living with OW for (almost) 11 months ...

No wavering on his part, right?

Pep

another question

have you spoken to OW's H ?

What does he say?

Pep

Hi Pepperband, my H started living with o/w at the end of July. He was always friendly to me right up to Xmas....making me cups of coffee and acting like a watered down version of us still being together (without the kissing bits) i couldn't put up with this any longer....he wasn't having his cake and eating it!....so i just withdrew from him and i don't talk to him or even acknowledge him anymore (detaching) and he now seems to be depressed. Our D says o/w has put lots of their photos all over their house (trying to make a statement of look were a couple) and has also seen their holiday photos and he's not smiling in any of them. He's confessed to my Aunt that all of this has been harder than he thought....she says he doesn't seem happy like he should be if he was with the woman he "loves".
He once said to me "You don't know how i go home and sit and think about all this"....i expect this must worry o/w just in case he's thinking about coming back.

Yes i've spoken to o/w's H, he says there was no reason for her to just up and leave and he was just as shocked as i was. O/w is divorcing her H because he wouldn't file and he said that she told him it would have just been a fling if i hadn't found out, because my H confessed and i rang her to see if it was true she's now doing it all just to spite me. Her H said she is very flirty and always has been, our D's boyfriend confirmed this as she flirted with both him and her own D's boyfriend when they had a meal with them. She knows my H has been down (she a special needs teacher for deprived kids so is used to manipulating people into doing what she wants) and is stroking his ego....this does have a ring of truth about it because, as i've said in my thread post, my H must go home and tell her what i've been doing, done or going to do and she does something along the same lines....do i really have to figure in their lives, it seems i do, they can't have much else to keep themselves amused with or is my H sitting and brooding again?!

I think that because i've detached, well i'm trying to, from him, he sees i'm living my life quite happily without him (no i'm not!) and i don't think his guilt of leaving would ever let him say he wanted to come back, he's not that type of person. Our D says that he's to frightend to talk to her without o/w being there when she has been to their house. I've been told by a third party that my H is very much under her thumb and her H told me she likes to be in control and likes all the attention to be focused on her. Is this what a loving relationship is based on because i don't think i know what one is anymore?