My original story can be found here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2841013

Months passed and I thought we were on our way to putting it all behind us. Then I found out she really never ended the A as described here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ID=#Post3001455

So we are trying to recover again. It is quite the roller coaster ride and tonight we are coming downhill fast. She called me just to say hi and before I knew it, we were talking about how I analyze every move she makes and every word she says. Based on her track record, she's probably right and I tried to explain that it might be like that for awhile, but that I would work on being less analytical.

She also told me that she does not feel anything for me anymore and she doesn't feel anything for our 2 children. As I mentioned in previous posts, she is numb; feeling nothing. But she tells me she loves me when we hang up the phone or when she leaves the house, she'll give me a goodbye kiss, just about everytime. Every morning when she leaves, she tells me she loves me and kisses me. She is loving to our kids and is a great mother.

Tonight, she was reading through the all the pages I printed from this site and the doc's advice and definitions (LB's, EN's, etc). She seemed to be getting frustrated so I asked her what was wrong. She said she wants to have those feelings back but doesn't know how to get them back. She was hoping that she would read somthing and "BOOM" she would have the feelings back.

I keep repeating that time and effort are the only things that will bring those feelings back (she said she is still attracted to me and wants us to work everything out).

She also said that she just wants a break, but she couldnt tell me what she wants a break from (either she doesnt know or doesnt want to tell me to avoid hurting my feelings). In saying she wants a break, that meant a weekend at her sisters (who is one of my allies) with the information I printed out. She said she is confused, but couldn't tell me what she was confused about.

Does this all sound like she is still in the fog?? The fact that she feels nothing for me is concerning, but the fact that she feels nothing for our kids is extremely distubing to me. The fact that she says she feels no feelings tells me she needs some professional help, which I have told her but she doesn't want to go right now. She sometimes will say what she thinks she is feeling, but later reveals that's not what she really meant to say. I'm hoping that is the case here, although she has been pretty consistent with this particular feeling. Thoughts? Suggestions??

my H kept saying that he was "waiting for his feelings to come back" but he wouldn't DO anything or accept any of my efforts towards meeting his emotional needs which would allow those feelings to come back.......it turned out that he was still seeing OW so he didn't really NEED or WANT to have feelings towards me because he was full of feelings about OW.......addicted to those intense feelings


it sounds to me like your wife is still deep in the fog

My WW also went on and on about how she wanted a break. It turns out she was still in the EA even after OM had left.

Once she went completely NC, the need for a "break" went away.

My neighbor's wife also needed a break and took one. She did that so she could continue her affair without supervision. They just filed for divorce.

Our MC (when we were going) told my WW that it was better to face problems than run from them and that it was impossible to work on recovering a M long distance.

My WW also wanted to go with family who were against the A. They would not have supported it. I don't think WW had any idea how she would continue the A under their noses but WW's don't think logically like that. I think she just wanted to go and then it would somehow magically work out that she and OM could get together. She had no plan - just a dream.

mad,

I'm glad to see you came over to GQII. This board moves so fast that you shouldn't feel badly if you have to bump your thread to the top yourself to keep it in the public eye. Just add to your story every now and then.

I think it would also help if you could give a brief synopsis or a timeline about the affair, recontact....her wanting an open marriage etc.

Good Luck!

Self-disclosing your(w) numb is a very big concern Mad.

Especially when you described the paces...affair or no affair.

Fog or no Fog.

Let her know, you love her, you support her and are there for her.

You know her best mate...

Max

Hi everyone, and thank you so much for your responses. I appreciate any and all feedback, thoughts and suggestions on my situation.

When she tells me she's numb, I sometimes doubt that that is the true feeling she has. She sometimes will tell me what she thinks she is feeling, only to find out weeks or months later, she was really feeling something else. She doesn't do it intentionally; I think she just struggles to find the proper and true feeling.

We were able to get the kids off to sitters the last 2 weekends and went out to dinner and shopping both weekends. Yikes, it's an expensive world out there (we are not used to spending that kind of money 2 weekends in a row) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, both weekends were great. We stayed up a few weeknights talking till 1am, not about the situation, but about life in general. THe kind of discussions a couple would have when they first meet and begin falling in love. It's been a pretty decent 2 weeks or so.

This weekend we were doing work outside; ya know, general spring-time-get-the-yard-ready-for-summer work. She turned to me and told me that "today, I feel content. I feel great. That's good isn't it?"

My response was, well yes, of course it's great. And I gave her a kiss. While I do think it was great, how can I not be thinking "Yeah, thats great for this moment, but what about 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, months, years from now". She's going out this Friday night with her co-workers to say good-bye to a recently departed employee. I'm not very comfortable with it, but at the same time, I desperately want to just move on. How do I know she won't do this to me again? How do I know she will come home and not go over the OM's house???? When will these feelings and thoughts GO AWAY!?!?

Does she still see OM at work...even if just for work purposes??

Has she shown any signs of 'withdrawl' from the end of her affair?

Last thing...my wife was in that mode for a while too...and our MC at the time told her point blank that nothing would get better until she made the CHOICE to make it better. Perhaps this too is something to think about.

this marriage can be saved

you are both at a crossroads

here is my very very sincere suggestion

call the Harleys and schedule an appointment

they are expert at mapping out a recovery plan you can both be happy with

they will teach you to POJA

it can work out

PLEASE CALL TODAY

this is a prime time where things can turn around

Pep

Yes, she does. But they work on seperate ends of a building that is 1/4 mile long and they rarely see each other. She told him it was over, he was at work for a few days after that and then he has been at another plant since then (for work purposes). So they haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks. It's also important to note that their relationship was purely sexual and she has said many, many times that there are no other feelings there. So unlike most A's, she is not in love with him. But seeing him probably rekindles the SF needs; so I'm trying to figure out how to deal with that. She has already said that leaving her job would mean resentfulness towards me, and that ain't good either.

If you mean being depressed, mad, angry that she got caught and had to end her "fun", then yes, she showed that for a week and a half or so. She still is bitter about it, although it hasn't been that long.

We were talking last night because I was down and she saw the look on my face. So she asked me and I told her I was having a hard time figuring out why she wanted the double life. What I didn't tell her is that I checked the keylogger on her computer and saw that her new email password was lives2, or "2 lives".

After chattig over IM for about a half hour about possible solutions, she said she had an idea to help her. She asked if it would be ok if she had, what she called, cyber sex over IM. She said it wold be with a girl; someone she would meet over the internet. I gave it some thought for awhile and said now is probably not the best time to do that.

Meanwhile, she was feverishly trying to get Yahoo instant messenger setup (she is not computer literate at all). When I checked the keylogger log this morning, it captured an email she sent last night to this other guy at work saying she was having a hard time setting up IM and that she needed help. So obviously she wanted to have cyber sex with this other guy at work; which I strongly suspected anyway.

I sent her an email this morning that basically said she can't have her cake and eat it to and that nothing was going to get better until she made the decision to give that idea up. I think she hears me, but I don't think she understands it. It's like she just blows it off.

As for what your MC told your wife, thank you for that info. Thats kind of where I got the idea of telling her no cake and eating it too.

As for MC, she wants no part of it right now, and there's no point in just me calling the Harvey's. We need to do it together.

I'm so freggin aggrevated and frustrated and I'm tired of having to check up on her through emails and keyloggers. I am in the market for a GPS system for her car cause I still think she will stray from me again soon. It really sucks to have to do all of this and is tiring and sneaky and I hate it.

OK...so you know that contact is still ongoing. PERIOD. That's the biggest hurdle you're facing right now. She still IM's him, still contacts him at work...the affair is still going. Read that again...THE AFFAIR IS STILL ONGOING.

Also...she SAYS that this was purely physical. That's so rare you might as well call it a white buffalo. Odds are VERY high that it was both EA and PA.

You need to confront her on this. Have you exposed this to everyone again? Each indication that she's still in contact, that the affair is still ongoing should require additional exposure.

You need to push HARD to her that she needs to go completely NO CONTACT. That means NO IM's, NO CALLS, NO PHYSICAL CONTACT...NO CONTACT AT ALL.

Get her to agree to an NC letter...make it clear to her that there is no way you're going to accept her continuing this behavior. If she doesn't, make it clear to her that you are going to continue to work on your marriage...and that means continuing to take every action needed to end her affair.

Don't bother with MC at this point...it's useless while the affair is still going. Read up on plan A and plan B here...this is where you need to be moving at this point.

Hi Owl, She's not IM'ing the OM. She is trying to setup IM for another guy. I know it's rare for just being physical, but it truly is. She has talked about wanting to be free and have her freedom to do whatever she wants, whenver she wants. She never lived the single life and wants it now, but at the same time, keep what we have together (great house, great location, great kids, etc.)

You are right I need to explain to her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I will not stand for it. The problem now is she doesn't know what I know; meaning, I got my latest info by spying on her. Guess I'll just have to wait for the right time.

We both read Plan A and all she could focus on is the fact that she would not leave her job. I need to re-read it and try to focus on the other things in there.