My wife and I have been involved in a 7yr relationship and now married for just over 6 months. We lived together for 1 year prior to marriage. A few weeks ago I noticed she was distance and asked why. She stated she's "not happy anymore" and after more talking and involving a marriage counsellor she's stated she doesn't know if she loves me like a wife should love a husband. I'm having a very difficult time with this. She's a very intelligent, well thought out person and so am I. I don't jump into major things like marriage and really think things through. I would say the same of her. I want to work this out and help where I can. We don't have other major things pulling at our marriage such as finacial problems etc.

She's stated it's nothing I've done, nothing I haven't done and there's nothing I can do. She has a feeling in her heart that somethings missing and she doesn't know what it is. I treat this woman really well. I contribute to more than 50% of the household chores. She knows how much I love her and would go to the end of the world for her. I feel we are equals and we also have 5yrs between us. She now feels guilty that she's doing this to me. She also has never had a separate relationship to bench mark against and although I've considered this a problem in the past I felt what she sees and hears around her with life in general was enough to learn from.

I'm not sure what the next steps are. I'm not sure if she just needs time to think things through. Right now that's what she said she needs, so although it's killing me because I love to help I'm doing my best at that. I've told her several times how much I love her and she knows I'm there to support her.

I've spent a lot of years trying to make myself the best boyfriend/husband one can have. She's knows with 100% certaintly that I'd never hurt her or cheat on her, but now I feel hopeless and I'm afriad I'm going to loose the most important thing in my life.

Please help.

James,

Sometimes one reads problems and one is tempted to think: "geeze, I'd much rather have THOSE problems than my own." But I won't think that.

You guys did a great job of dating. You're doing a great job in how you treat each other (most likely). You're seeing a counselor (great job! Maybe find another one, or keep interviewing counselors until your wife starts getting results). You're sharing, caring...it's all great.

Your wife feels an emptiness. There's something missing.

Is it god?

Seriously.

Is it God?

Where is your spiritual center? Do you talk about God with each other? You can define God any way you want. You can be atheists and talk about love...it doesn't matter.

I believe that you are getting exactly what you need in this marriage. You are getting something that you can't plan or calculate. It's just a feeling of emptiness, and neither one of you knows how to fill it. Also, for some reason, your relationship is trapped in the middle of it...yet there is no real reason to blame the relationship itself.

Why do both of you need to "buy into" the thought that your marriage should fill her feeling of emptiness?

Maybe she has a vitamin/mineral/enzyme or some other kind of imbalance. Maybe your diet consists mostly of cooked or frozen foods. Maybe you guys use the microwave too much. Do you have a garden?

You know. Another thing is that she isn't the most important thing in your life...unless you allow for multiple things to be "most important." If she is the single "most important" thing in your life...then I think focusing on spiritual matters would help you.

Another thing is...for goodness sake...all you have to do is joyfully fill some kind of vague void. Maybe you guys could take up windsurfing...or do some other kind of majorly fun thing together. Maybe take music lessons...who knows?

If lists help you guys, make lists of all the things going right...then you'll have...on the other side of the page, this one lonely thing "my wife feels like something is missing." OOoooooohh.

Sorry, but it probably won't look like a big deal.

Then, go windsurfing together. Or something like that.

Maybe what's missing is torment. Maybe you could go broke pursuing some vaguely reasonable goal...just about lose everything...and then pull through in the end?

Ask your wife, if she'd like to take some major risks with you. If you do that...that could definitely fill the gap. Or maybe you'll decide on minor risks like windsurfing!

I'd suggest showing her that you posted here. You must really be a nice guy! Not a lot of people have husbands like you...heck...maybe what she's missing is gratitude. Oooh, now that's almost enough to start a fight. I wouldn't recommend those, though...seriously!

Best,
D--

I'm glad you replied D--. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would.

In terms of what's missing with her being god I can tell you that that's highly unlikely. She's not religious and is more scientific in nature. She doesn't mind learning about relgious etc., but is definitly a person who would not look to spirituality for guidance.

I'm hoping your right that we are getting what we need, but as a hurdle in life that improves and strenghthens the relationship. Vitamins could be a consideration, but if that's true I wonder why she doesn't have this emptiness in other areas of her life such as work and why she's pointed it specifically at us. Our food balance is fairly good. She is more of a 'frozen food' person, but I am not. I enjoy cooking several meals a week for us using fresh meat and vegetables and the remainder of our meals may be at a restaurant (not fast food), so at most she may have a frozen meal once every 2 weeks and our microwave is basically only used for popcorn.

You may be right on the money with the void suggestion. We were up until late March in a language class together, so there was an attempt at that prior to this coming about. However she's wanted a dog for a long time. We got one in March and she realized we can't handle it currently with our work schedules. In recent days she's been considering a cat (she is more of a dog person). I have an older cat, which is more attentative to me, but it may be what she needs to help fill that void.

I'd like to make a list and talk things through, but at this point I'm letting her drive what's next. I don't want to appear pushy as she's said she needs time to think things through on her own. The one thing my wife isn't is a risk taker. We are both security driven. I've even brought up the consideration of opening a business later in life after we've established ourselves and the lack of security in that idea scares her.

The best news is in the last 5 days I have seen signs that she's coming around. She traveling the path more for togetherness rather than the previous path I saw for separation. Coming around has been in terms of communication and not affection, but it's a start.

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas as they are welcome. With all my friends, family and co-workers I can't honestly find a situation of similar nature. In regards to "geeze, I'd much rather have THOSE problems than my own" I guess it depends on how that's taken. This problem may not be financial, abusive or trust related which can be much worse, but in the end the result can still be a separation without much depth as a problem and the feelings of loss, unfairness and emptiness can be equal to that of people who have had larger problems.

Well, my wife went and saw a counsellor on her own. He repeatedly asked her if she was cheating on me which she denied and honestly I believe her. It's not in her nature. Even my family who is protective of me believes it's not in her nature. Basically he went through all the things I do for her and how I treat her then re-confirmed that I wasn't doing anything negative in the relationship and said "your still not happy?". He then told her repeatedly she was crazy. A few of her co-workers know what's going on and have told her she's crazy as well. That's not something she wants t hear either because she feels those people aren't understanding what she's feeling.

Bascially my wife feels there's something missing in her heart. Something that makes a couple click and she feels she's suppressed this feeling for a long time and now that we don't have any major things happening in our life to pre-occupy her mind she's now dealing with it (7 years in). She's afraid without this that we may eventually become bitter and resent one another.

I don't get it guys. She says she's still finds me attrative. I've been the best I can be and felt I've done enough to make her never want to leave, but the bottom line is I can't make her love me.

She said she's still thinking things through because she's afraid 2 years down the road she may change her mind and find it was the biggest mistake of her life to leave me. She's also balancing knowing that I likely will not be available then and may not be available several months down the road. I've told her that maybe I need to move out for a few weeks and she said no. She would consider that option and she would be the one to move back in with her parents if need be. It may not be the right choice, but my thoughts are that we see each other pretty much every day and it doesn't create an opportunity for one another to really miss each other.

I can't tell you how it feels to have put as much as I have into a relationship for all these years and given my heart to her 6 months ago on our wedding day only to have her turn around 6 months later and say I don't think I want it any more. It's probably about the most depressing and sickening feeling I've ever had.

Hi James

It is common, even expected, for a couple that has been together for a long time to "fall out of love" with each other. They still love each other, but the tingles of chemistry fade away. They can come back. That is what Marriage Building is all about.

Have you read the Basic Concepts?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Although your wife is not having an affair now, she is vulnerable to one. Ensure her needs are being met at home. What have you done to eliminate Love Busters from your marriage and to fill her Love Bank? Do you know your wife's top Emotional Needs?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

How much time do you spend together each week? Do the two of you get 15 hours of Undivited Attention?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html
Do you do fun things together?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html

You may want to post in the Emotional Needs section. You'll get a lot more input and support there because there is much more traffic. I'm glad you're here on the MB site. There's lots of good stuff to learn that will help.


Mrs. W8ing

I am not sure... but How old are you two?

Could it be the bilogical clock? The need of the first child?

Just an idea.

Or maybe she has it too good, too perfect to value it?

I'm 29 and she's 25. There is just under a 5yr age gap. She has wanted kids and was telling people she wanted to be pregnant by the fall of this year. A few months ago I told her I'm coming around to that and thinking more and more how I'd like to be a dad. Basically catching up with her. Now she says she doesn't know if she wants kids right now...she may want to work on her career for a few years. I've been accepting to this and told her I can wait.

She seems very cold this week. Is leaving for a family thing for the weekend which normally I'm a part of, but considering the circumstances probably wouldn't be a good thing anyways. I think she's likely going to move back in with her parents when she returns.

I try to make myself available to spend the 15hrs per week with her, but since she's been outspoken she doesn't want to spend much time with me. Probably in fear that I will bring up discussing things. In terms of making deposits into a love bank I make tons all the time. I'm sure of this because even mutual friends or friends of her own tell me this. I'm very receptive to her needs and will even ask if there is something I'm not fulfilling to work towards that. But for the last while she has been very closed off.

Bottom line is I think she wonders if there's more out there for her. Probably because she's never dated anyone, is now in a commited marriage and that removes the possibility of the unknown. I don't think she's wondering if there is someone who will treat her better, but just someone who is maybe better suited. I have dated other people, including a long term relationship. We don't have everything in common and I've never seen a couple which does. We do value, think and drive for very similar goals in life and I feel we are well suited for another. But I can't put my experience into her head and I have talked to her about it.

James,

I am in an identical situation as you at the moment. My wife said and did all the things you said your wife did.We've been together 7 years, married for 2 years and I'm going through identical thoughts and emotions as you. I think one good thing to do is not live in the future and create bad outcomes that might not necessarily be true. I really hope things work out for you and please feel free to message me back. I'm very lonely and even though I've been trying to create a support network, the heartbreak i feel is agonizing. It's comforting to know there is someone experiencing the same feelings of loss i do, although I would never wish this on anyone.

Drew22

fear of the unknown multiple choice
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It makes me sad to see anyone going though losing someone they love.I got married very young and my husband was my world and i need to find out what was out there.i needed to make my own mistake and in my case i found out i wasnt very happy and ended the marriage.But, i think that if she has been around for seven years dont give up on her.Marriage is rough and sometimes us women dont really know what we want. tell her that you love her and give her time.More than anything all of us want someone to love them. And for you to search out help it shows you love her and dont want to lose her. and ill warn you , with a age differnce remember you are not her dad you are her husband and yall need to make mistake together not just her . admit you dont know everthing just like dreww22 felt better to know someone was in the same boat. its good to hear sometimes your husband is just as lost as you are
good luck
S-