by recovering_hope
Well if he gets into the wine (which is hard stuff for an alcoholic) it won't be long until he's into the hard stuff. That's a fact!!!


It's a long up and down, windy road. If you can....hang on, if not...go.

by Pep:

I agree.

And you may have to make some very scary decisions SOON to possibly help him hit bottom. Some do hit bottom, some don't for many years. It's a gamble, and I know he's hurtful. I know the whole dry drunk scenario, it's miserable to live with. Nothing has really changed, just no booze.....yet.

((((recovering_hope))))

Lady

Hi All -

Sorry for that delayed response and thank you for your responses. I left shortly after my last post for my trip and just returned so just getting to respond now.

I agree he is a dry-drunk and yes it probably is my biggest problem. My bday came and went on the 5th and he did call to wish me a happy day while on my trip but no card no anything when I got back just like last year. Ouch!

He gave me a courtesy hug when I got home and then that was about it. I'm a really affectionate person so very hard for me.

These are the things he has ackowledged since our last talk the other night:

• he won't allow me to meet his emotional or physical needs but he doesn't know why
• he acknowledged that the affair(s) were probably a combination of both emotional and physical needs being met by the OW(s)
• He said he’s just working on his sobriety and when I asked if he felt that we could have something better then what he had with OW physically/emotionally he said yes for sure.
• When I said I was glad to hear that he said well what are you basing it on and I didn’t quite get that comment.
• He said that things are different, that he is different and that I and our marriage is different now. He also throws in what if I don't like the person he is now when we get to counseling.
• He said he thinks it might be better if he moves out for a while but he will go to counseling. (he threatens moving out whenever he is annoyed with me but he hasn't acted on it)
• He says I’m forcing the affection/sex/ emotional connection issues.
• He still says he doesn’t know what he wants………

Any feedback on this? Also I know there are some people on this board with a lot of experience with the combination of recovering alcohoics and affairs and to that note I have a question; could some of this be what Dr. Harley talks about with witdrawal for the OW? Though he says he doesn't have any feeling and it's over, could there be unresolved feelings, or could it be the withdrawal stage of mid-life crisis? I read something about the six stages see link here MLC-Stages

Or is this a combination or none of the above just alcoholic recovery stuff? Note when all this craziness started 2+ years ago he said he thought he was going through MLC.

Hugs to All!
RH

I like this one about MLC

*CLICK*

it's called "Midlife for Dummies"

like the book series

LOL

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Print the above "Midlife for Dummies" and give it to him!

RH,

Well now I can tell you this.

The program only works if you work the program.
Hey Banyak are you proud of that one??

Now with that being what I have found in my own experience is that the first two times my FWW went to AA she was going through the motions without doing the work. Notice I said the first 2 times. This time she is going and doing her stepwork. In my home I can see a difference.

Now the great thing about it now is her sponsor. She seems to be a very good BS/victim filter. Big on my FWW taking ownership and not feeling sorry for herself.

My FWW has finished step 3 and is working on step 4 and we are now in MC.

I beleive that AA and her sponsor made it even remotely possible for her to agree to it.

So now get a plan and work your plan. If there is a chance he relapses what are you going to do?


Then maybe the MC can show you guys how to work through it. If he has changed as a person etc and you don't like it what harm is the MC going to do.

My FWW BTW used the I am a different person thing a lot too when she was not working the program. Seemed like lip service trying to imply she wouldn't have an A again because she is different.

Good luck on this.

HL -

Thanks for your post and I know that if my husband could just start to work the program it would make a world of difference. Unfortunately he is a workaholic and that seems to be taking over as an escape at the moment.

He is going to AA, but it is that fake it till you make it thing I guess... and same for our marriage I suppose.

When he gets back from his trip we are going to start counseling. I'm not sure if my FWH does the sorry for himself feelings as much as the blaming especially around justification of the affair (in some way shape or form) and what led up to it.

When I say I need more affection, SF, because I've been starved of these things for two years, he says, that I starved him of it for the two years prior to the A. Mind you I was ill and wasn't doing this on purpose. Then he told me he didn't do the affair on purpose and I told him he certainly did it was a choice.

So it seems that there is a combination of denial and blaming going on. My IC told me that I need to validate that he felt rejected, unwanted, uneeded during my illness and though I was sick I still need to validate this for him.

She also told me I represent failure to him, because he didn't sign up when he married me to become a drunk and a cheat so he feels like a failure as a husband, hence the keeping me at arms length so that he doesn't have to be vulnerable with me and face his own feelings issues which he can't really seem to identify right now. It's all about control for him.

I'm glad your wife is going along well with the steps. Thats great and it sounds like the two of you are getting to a better place now. It always gives me hope to hear the positive stories out there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm still on Step One in Alanon, that whole powerless thing is a tough one to accept and really embrace. I find that I still want to somehow control the situation, I guess to avoid any further pain.

As far as what I will do if he relapses, to be honest I haven't wanted to think about it... really scary for me. However I know I'm powerless over that to and I can accept that. I think at first I would just say oops had a slip up, why don't you get back to AA and if he did great, but if he kept on boozing then I would probably boot him out.

RH,

Validate and empathize.

I will say this from my experiance and mine alone. If an addict goes to AA just to go it is probably not going to work.

My FWW's first two stops probably did more harm then good. The reason I say this is that in AA they share their experance's. My FWW did not seem to understand that the alchoholism did not make what she did ok. Ownership is an important part. What she did was come home and tell me "wow you think you had it bad you should see what others have done" Never told me what they did, that is against the rules, but what she did pales in comparison.

That is not the intended message of AA but without the guidance of the big book and a sponsor it is very easy to misinterpret the information.

Now thanks to banyak and others I know that part of it is taking ownership. The alchol although a problem does not justify your behaviours while you were drinking.

Yes he is keeping you at a distance right now. He doesn't know who he is or what he wants. He is missing a key piece of his identity when he is not driking. Dealing with real life is hard when you are sober. Can't look at the clock and say well it is almost 5 and soon I will be able to crawl into a bottle and forget my feelings and issues.

Good luck.