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Posts: 92
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In counceling and in doing our research, we find out about EN and PN (physical needs) and so on.
As a BS and going through recovery, does anyone develop new EN's?
As for myself, I feel that there's a big hole created in me that my W gave to the other men, she took a big chunk of our marriage and myself and willingly gave it to the other men, now all of that, I can never get back and therefore has created a big hole in my life.
How can a BS fill that hole, is it possible to fill that hole? Do you know what I'm talking about?
In the pasture of life, don't be a cowpie.
FWW 22
BS 26 (me)
d-day May 30, 2004
March, 2005
January, 23,2006
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Yes, you have been tramatized by the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit against her spouse. You will go through all the same phases of grief as would a parent whose child had died. It is not a matter of unfilled emotional needs causing your grief; rather it is the betrayal.
It is very possible to fill that hole with time and care and protection. Recovery is very possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 92
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Posts: 92 |
Thanks Mel,
I guess you're right, it it more the betrayal then a EN, I have a feeling too that in time it will be filled. It's just that her cousing is entering the fog phaze now and either has had an A or will have one. I talked to her H on Saturday night figuring that since I went through it, I could talk to him from the experience perspective, he started talking and if I had written a book of my experience it would be like he was reading it back to me.
It's 2 years today that my W moved out and did her things and now with her cousin starting the same, it just brings everything back, the memories, the thoughts, feelings, etc.
In the pasture of life, don't be a cowpie.
FWW 22
BS 26 (me)
d-day May 30, 2004
March, 2005
January, 23,2006
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 116
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I know having the past brought back up must be very hard. A lot of times in helping someone else you really help yourself. Maybe that will be the case.
I think a betrayal can change needs. I feel like I need more verbal affirmation than before.
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
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BnD, You betcha there's gonna be a hole. What you decide to fill it with is up to you. I hadn't gone to church consistently in years prior to discovery day. I still believed, just didn't go. I let God and Christ fill part of my hole. As WW comes around slowly, I let her fill the rest of it with deposits of love units. I suggest finding a new hobby or resurrecting an old one. Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~
Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH
Her = 33 FWW
DS 15
DD 11
DS 7
Discovery March 29, 2006
Recovery and proud of it!
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Joined: Mar 2006
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Thanks,
We have been going to church again frequently after Christmas and I joined a baseball team, also took up golfing, that helps very much to forget about work, problems bad memories and so on. It's just for momens at a time but they can add up.
We are trying to sell our house and buy a better one and make new memories, W says nothing happened with OM in our house but bad memories are still there with our fighting and everything that's happened while we've lived there.
We're even looking for a new vehicle and getting rid of the one we've had since all the garbage started. I think it helps to replace things that triger memories like that.
In the pasture of life, don't be a cowpie.
FWW 22
BS 26 (me)
d-day May 30, 2004
March, 2005
January, 23,2006
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