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The grass IS always greener on the other side.

By all means - leave your husband and ALL jointly held marital property to him. Get your divorce and THEN try your hand elsewhere.

Good luck!

conflict avoider = emotionally dishonest

..

Of course life is too short. Too short to ever make up for the big mistakes, ones like following thru with leaving same ol, same ol and chasing after your sisters X.

Don't you think it is time to act like a grown up and consider some of the "others" who could be affected by such an action. I'm talking about your sister, your semi-independent children, nieces and nephews, other siblings.

IMHO, you were a player in getting to the same ol, same ol point. and WAT is right, the grass IS always greener on the other side, at least until you are over the fence and then after a couple of seasons, it looks no different that the grass you started with. Especially if it has received no fertilizer or nuturing.

Perhaps you ought to contemplate working on your marriage via MC and yourself via IC to see if you can find something worth saving from the past 25 years. Only then can you move forward, after your current relationship is done and over and you can say that you gave it every chance to recover and thrive.

Who

YOU are also a conflict avoider .... sorry

Pep

no

you might

come clean with your H

become emotionally honest

tell your H exactly what is going on

leave out NO detail

including the BIL attraction

and then come up with a mutual plan to make appropriate changes

or not

you can always leave the marriage

but if you choose to sneak away emotionally before coming clean with radical honesty ... >> you << are the real conflict avoider

Pep

Well, you argued that you cannot stay in the marriage any longer - you've decided that you want out. You are deciding to break the marriage contract. Sooooooo - leave, but leave with nothing. Why should you do anything else or take anything with you? - especially if you're pretty sure you'll need no assets on the "other side."

Simply stated - you break the marriage contract, you forfeit the marriage assets.

WAT

..

The comment meaning was that you had a role in the current state of your marriage, not that you have stepped outside of your marriage.

Who

..

then you will remain unsatisfied and incomplete wherever you go

Pep

..

I don't think the player comment was meant to say that you're a cheater or whatnot. Please let me know if my reading on this is incorrect. I think the players comment can be explained as this:

A marriage is composed of 2 people. Each person "plays" a role in the marriage. If after 25 years the marriage isn't where the 2 people want it to be, or it's same ole same ole, there are only 2 people to point a finger at and say, "If you want your relationship with your spouse to get better, YOU have to change something."

There are things about your husband that you don't like. Flip the coin and I'm sure he could come up with some. He has to change him and you have to change you. I think the first thing you both have to change is the way you communicate with one another. It is the opinion of the people that have responded to you, so far, that you speak with your husband openly and honestly about how you feel. Ask him for the same and come to a mutual resolution.

I can see how you can view what Pep and WAT said as antagonistic. Well, yeah, it was. 25 years is a huge investment. These are some of the older wiser people here who have seen it all. They're making their point by causing you to get your hackles up.

My suggestion? Buy "His Needs Her Needs", read it WITH your husband, and do the Emotional Needs questionaire together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Best wishes.

Suit yourself. I call 'em the way I see 'em , lady. You asked, I answered. Sounds like you are very good at not listening to what you don't want to hear.

You admitted your attraction to another man. Whether you will also realize this is clouding your logic is not likely.

WAT

Life,

First let me explain to you what you probably already know. This is a marriage builders forum and this thread is under General Questions in the infidelity section. There are some very remorseful WS who post here, but most of the posters are BS who at whatever stage of recovery they may be are either currently experiencing or have experienced a great deal of pain.

Most of our WS at some point, convinced themselves that they were justified, for whatever reason, in cheating. Your initial post here indicated that you are potentially seeking to leave your husband to potentially persue a realtionship with your former BIL.

We only know what you are telling us regarding your situation and can only respond based on what we have read and our own experiences.

If some of our responses come across as harsh, it is because we are unsure that you have been completely honest with your H regarding what is going on in your head and heart. If you haven't, then you owe him that level of honesty.

I say this as a BW, whose husband was not happy in our marriage and rather than be completely honest with me about what he was considering or seeking MC with me or IC alone, chose to have a lengthly EA that became a messy 8-month PA that ended badly for everyone.

Be honest with your H, try to get him to join you in building a better marriage, if he refuses or if you try and fail, then leave him, take with you your share of what you have accumulated jointly, divorce him and then contemplate your future and any future relationships.

Don't start something new before your current relationship is completely dead and buried. If you do, it will begin tainted and will most assurably fail.

Who

..

..

You become real

you become emotionally honest within your marriage

and you base your decisions about what to do next NOT on running away, but on facing reality

if you run away from this marriage dilemma, you will have no improved skills to bring to any future relationships

best to you

Pep