Hi, I will be presenting this letter to WS at the end of this week. Plan A doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Any advise would be helpful:

WS, it has been 6 months since the beginning of your affair with OM. Although we have taken some steps toward recovery you still have not ended the affair. Yet you insist that you would like to turn back time and return to a normal life. If this is true, in order for us to truly begin re-building our marriage you need to do the following:

Break off all contact with OM. No excuses. You must write a ‘No contact’ letter to OM in the form of an email clearly stating the following:
• The affair is over
• You are committed to re-building your marriage.
• OM must respect your decision.
• Under no circumstances will OM contact you.
• Under no circumstances will you contact OM.

I must be able to read this letter prior to you sending it and OMW must be copied.

You will both avoid ‘chance’ meetings in the community. If such a meeting occurs, you will leave immediately.

If you are not willing to take even this initial step I need to initiate some changes of my own.

I have tried my best over the past few months to show you what kind of husband I can be for you. I have tried to make our home as welcome and attractive as possible in hope that you will understand and accept that I truly love you and past mistakes can be amended. However because of your refusal to end your affair with OM it has come to the point where I need to separate myself from this unhealthy environment.

Tonight I will be telling my parents about our current situation. I hope they will understand and accept me into their home. I will not be in contact with you except by email. Our parents will be our intermediaries.

The arrangements with DD and DD are as follows:

I will continue to pick DD and DD up from babysitter’s house after work. You will come pick them up from my parent’s house by 6pm.

Beginning Friday May 19th I will take the kids every second weekend. I will pick them up from babysitter’s house on the Friday and you will pick them up from my parent’s house on Sunday evening at 6pm.

I will still take DD on her birthday. You will drop her off at my parent’s house at 7:30am and pick her up at 6pm. I will still take DD on DD’s birthday for the night.

In addition, I believe that full exposure of this affair is required. I will be visiting your parents this weekend to inform them of our current situation.

WS, I love you more than you know. I am doing this as a last resort. It pains me to take these steps, I wish all this would just disappear and we can go on and enjoy our lives together. We have done an awesome job raising our kids, which is a huge challenge for any parent. We are now seeing the rewards of all the hard work we put in over the years and now have the opportunity to focus on each other rather than just the kids.

If and when you feel you are ready to begin the healing process with the first step above please let me know.

Love always,

My initial comment is if you haven't exposed the adultery, you haven't done a Plan A. That Plan begins with exposure. If you haven't exposed to your parents, have you exposed to anyone else who can pressure the adulterous relationship? Briefly, if you haven't exposed, all you've done is enable her adulterous fence sitting. Her secrets are entact and you've been helping her keep everything hidden.

My second thought is that you do not tell a WS you're going to expose--you just do it.

My third idea is that you need to tell her up front you love her. Don't wait until the 7th paragraph to do that.

I forgot. Why are you moving out of your home and letting her have free rein there?

I was just reading this and I read what LH wrote and I thought I had amnesia for a moment because I thought I wrote his responses and didn't remember doing it.

If you move out, you lose. You have to expose this to anyone who has influence on her. Yeah, she gonna be pizzed. It'll fade. If you warn her, you give her the chance to do damage control. "Oh, he's mad at me for not taking out the garbage so he's going to come over here and tell you I'm sleeping around."

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Those are good points. I've never really considered her moving out. I guess I just thought it would be easier on the kids.

Agree with Longhorn completely:

Wanted to add: Why are you so willingly volunteering to be a weekend Dad? If you fight for custody the arrangement you are proposing is likely the worst possible arrangement the court will order so why not fight and win more? Do you want to be an every other weekend Dad? I doubt it. Why do you so easily accept that HER nefarious choices relegate you to such? Do you not see WW's choices may necessarily making her an unfit parent (in comparison to you), at the momemt? Did you research the damage done to children that are forced to necessarily accept that WW had an affair and Dad just left us in her "in"capable hands?

Further, WW could just reignite her affair or another one and continue it in your own home. No offense, but without a legal separation agreement with restraining orders disallowing the introduction of any non-related male to the kids in place why not just clear a drawer or two for OM or whomever WW brings home.

Finally, not fighting for custody, even if you don't think you will win, you will regret one day. You will be devastated as your wife moves on with her tumultuous life and you are then legally relegated to the sidelines only interacting with your children occassionally. You will not be able to protect them and the court will never be on your side. If the court grants her custody in the end, that's one thing, but to voluntarily give up on your children is another. Besides, custody orders are modifiable usually ever few years, without a fight the court will be hesitant to change the order EVEN if the circumstances substantially change for the worst.

As fare as fighting for your marriage. The mere anticipation of an open court debate over her unfittedness as a parent will inflict HUGE consequences upon your wife for her adulterous actions. You are not to fight for custody to be vindictive; however, fighting for and/or winning custody will be tremdous blows to your wife's psyche and WILL attrack her back to giving the marriage another chance (if you want it at that time). Remember, if and when you WIN primary custody you can always change the plan at YOUR convenience if you so desire. Until then, IMO, go for it all.

I'm not being totally clear. Sorry, got to get back to work. Just think you should really think about what you are doing or proposing here. Why not ask her to leave?

BTW, as Longhorn said, exposure first, without forewarning. Plan B exposure merely looks vindictive. Give Plan A and exposure a few more weeks and see what happens. Then readdress Plan B.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thank you for the advice. I am reconsidering my plan now. I think I will speak to her parents this week without telling her.

If/when either one of us moves out, we will have a solid seperation agreement in place.

I really helps to get some feedback when you are in an emotional mess.

Thanks again.

But what about exposure elsewhere? Is this a work-place adultery? If so, talking to the Human Resources director puts immediate pressure on what is going on. What about exposing to church leaders, club and professional association leaders, etc? Phoenix, you need to formulate a PLAN instead of just reacting. Right now, you're taking bits and pieces from what you've read out here and applying them haphazardly. That's not going to work.

My advice would be to get Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley and study it; don't just read it, you have to understand it completely. The book is available in the MB bookstore and it will give you a basis for setting a strategy for recovering your marriage. Also, if you can, set up an appointment with Steve Harley.