I married the man of my dreams several years ago and spent years working with him to build his business. I was madly in love with him. He spent all his time working and neglected me. We fought about his workaholism but he justified himself every time. He made absolutely no time for me. He'd leave at 9 in the morning and come home at 10 or 11pm nearly every day. He worked weekends. I was working with him, so I know he was working the whole time. I worked excessively too, but he never seemed to think what I did was enough. I have never worked for someone else.

We moved to another state and i quit working with my husband. I went back to school and fell in love with another man. I never meant to fall in love with him, I didn't even look around at other guys. But this guy listened to me, made time for me, and genuinely cared about me. He had a high need for conversation just as I did. My husband doesn't care to talk much. My husband also doesn't care for sex as much as I do. I had an affair with this guy against my better judgment and despite extreme feelings of guilt. Now I cannot stop thinking about this guy. We ended the affair many months ago, and I haven't communicated with him in any sort for over one month. I told my husband about the affair.

I miss my lover so badly. I feel doomed to be alone. Staying in my marriage is to me a certain way to be both conversationally and sexually deprived. I love my husband so, so much, but I cannot handle his lack of emotional availability. He was not available before the affair, and I certainly don't understand how he will be available after.

My problem is that I have nothing that is my own. I have done nothing in my life apart from my husband. I hate myself, I can't help it. I feel like a huge loser. I am an attractive woman, but my husband compares me to models. I fear I am wasting my whole life. I don't want to follow his leading any more. I despise the business I am in. (we moved away from the state I had the affair in, I quit school). I wish I had something to feel good about. Anything. But I only want to run away.

What am I supposed to do? How can he ever fall in love with me again, since he wasn't even in love with me when I had the affair? How could he ever be emotionally available now, when he wasn't before the affair? How can I ever trust him again? How can he ever trust me again, when he's not opened up to me to begin with?

Hello Toosad,

I do not envy you of your position. Hopefully some WSs will weigh in to give you their take. You're asking a lot of the same questions, word for word, that my wife asked when she admitted her affairs.

How long ago did you tell your husband?

You don't mention, but do you have children?

What was your husbands response when you told him?

Do you want to save your marriage? Does he?

Hi Drexell,

We both very much want to save our marriage. We have no kids but did have one abortion 4 years prior to our marriage at his prodding. I think that abortion is the thorn that has torn our relationship apart. I never wanted it, he pressured me because we were so young and he felt like he would be the black sheep of his family, getting a girl pregant outside of marriage. I worked on forgiving myself and forgiving him...

But I think from that moment he became distant from me. I was horrified the most beautiful thing in my life was lost, our connection. I spent years being what I thought it was he wanted as a wife. I even changed my major to "business" because I thought he wanted it. I think I was totally codependent in many ways.

But I was madly in love with him. Probably too much.

I told my husband in mid-January. I told him because I had ended the physical affair about a year ago, although I guess we still had an "emotional" affair going, and I felt guilty all the time. (The physical affair intself didn't last longer than two months) My husband would do nice things for me, our marriage had acutally gotten a lot better after the physical affair ended. He didn't know at this point. And we were starting to connect and bond in ways we hadn't done for years. But my guilt kept overwhelming me, and i felt that it was my husband's right to choose to love me considering the affair. The more loving he was, the worse I felt. I wanted to be loved and accepted and forgiven by him for and despite the affair. That is really the only love that would seem real to me.

And I wanted to start fresh. That's why I told him. I had strongly suspected he had an affair too, before i had mine, so I thought I'd come clean to him, and that would likely inspire him to be forthcoming as well, and then we'd start anew.

But, to my horror, I was the only one confessing to anything. He had not had an affair, and then later told me that it was the Propecia that he was taking that had a side effect for killing sex drive (one of the reasons I had suspected he was having an affair prior to me getting involved in one).(He quit taking the Propecia about 10 months ago, but his sex drive is still not all there... )

Up to when I told my husband, I talked with my lover probably only every couple weeks on the phone, sometimes more, and I didn't see him any more. But Jon was so removed from me, not giving me sex, not really caring about what was going on in my life, and I wanted to do the right thing, to not be unfaithful, to live my life honestly before God even if it meant being completely alone in marriage.

I slipped up an emailed my lover after two weeks of telling my husband. I didn't hear from the guy for a while, but then he responded. It was totally non-romantic emails, we just wrote as friends, but when my husband found out about it (I told him) he was really mad. (and rightly so).

But now, I just don't know how to go back to that loneliness. I want to matter to my husband. I want to feel loved, like what I say is actually interesting. I know I am not a stupid person, I actually hope to think that I am smart, but with my husband, I feel so completely stupid. I like to talk really deeply about stuff, life, to debate different thoughts, different theories.... but I just feel that he is not interested in anything I have to say. I end up thinking that he must just be a whole bunch smarter than me, and that I unfortunately bore him to death. That is the only thing that makes sense to me.

My husband was really hurt when I told him. Really mad. He stayed with a friend for several days before coming back to our house. he asked me to never contact the other guy again, at least for one year. (Which I mentioned above I screwed up on and called the guy two weeks later). I am not communicating with the guy at all. I sent him an email which I blind copied to my husband. I gave my husband full access to my email accounts. He has my passwords and also access to my telephone bills online, with all numbers dialed. But I will not call the guy again. My husband told me he will leave me if i do, and certainly i do not want to lose my husband. And, we have moved and lived in different states now.

This affair has also completely ruined the intimacy I had with God prior to it. I feel really distant from him. I feel completely lost occupationally as well. I logically know that God is good, but my heart feels abandoned by GOd. I don't understand why the man I married has fallen away from God (it was evident when we married, but I didn't notice at the time). We have no spiritual life together. I think that is the greatest issue grieving me. I think that is probably the foundation for every other problem we have in our marriage. I don't know how God could possibly fix that. I mean, honestly, I just don't know how. How can I feel anything other than stuck in a marriage with someone completely not on the same page spiritually?

A huge conflict has been my realization that under no circumstances do I want to be in the business world any more. Our "initial" dream that we shared together was that we'd work hard, make money, and enjoy our lives and have a family together. But now, I am not sold on the money part any more. All it has caused me is suffering. I don't want to sell my life for money. But I've married this awesome entrepreneur, so I feel completely stuck. And when I told my husband that I didn't want that dream any more, the really rich life, it was like the air was taken out of our connection. No, on a deep down level, I want to do something meaningful for God. I don't want to trade time for money any more.

how do you know what the abbreviations stand for? Is there are legend somewhere?

Toosad,

You guys have a long road ahead of you. It's not going to be easy, especially considering there are no kids to consider. But, I believe if the two of you are committed to working hard at your relationship and to dedicating the time to finding out what the other needs and then filling those needs you'll be happier and stronger in marriage than you were before the A.

You touched on something in your last post about being workaholics and money and not wanting that for yourself any longer. I don't know how much you've read on this site, but you just, in a round about way, rattled off a MB principal. A career should serve a marriage. A marriage shouldn't serve a career. If the purpose of your marriage is to make you guys money, you're likely not to be successful. Too many hours at the office can be lethal to a marriage.

I encourage you to buy a copy of "His Needs Her Needs" and read it together, then take the Emotional Needs Questionaire at the end. I think you need to rediscover what is important to each of you. Then realize that these needs may change over time. Retake the questionaire every year to make sure you're on the same page if you need to.

Find a good MC. And if you still have emotional issues over the abortion, you both may need IC as well. If your M is worth fighting for, don't pull any of the stops. Make a plan together. Fill one anothers needs. Make sure you make time for one another and avoid love busting.

I don't condone having an affair for any reason. I'm guilty of doing it 10 years ago. There's no excuse. Come to find out my wife has been guilty of it totaling 19 times in the past almost 12 years. (Do you still have your socks on?) Mine lasted about 20 minutes. It was a rather horrible experience for me. So much so that I confessed immediately after I got home. Then she confessed to an A. There was balance. Amnesty was the word we decided upon. Help was the word we should have looked for.

It's been over a month since I found out and I'm still fighting strong. The benefit that you have is that your spouse wants to work it out with you. That is a gift from him to you. What you do with it is up to you.

Thanks for your advice, Drexell....

I think I am really depressed. My husband says I should go on antidepressants. We're currently in counseling with a great counselor. Both my husband and I have been reading up everything on this site. I haven't bought the books yet but think I will.

I don't understand how my spouse could ever forgive me. How could he?

I still feel so excruciatingly hurt by his rejection of me, putting work first, that I had come to believe he completely doesn't like having me in his life. Before the affair ever happened, he was talking about divorce. I felt and feel horrified of losing him. But now, after the affair, I feel like there's a 50% chance he won't pursue anyone else in relationship and we'll somehow make it through, and a 50% chance he will get into an affair and then possibly leave me.

I don't know what to do. I feel doomed. We talked about this in therapy. He may tell me he wants me in his life, but I can't believe it. For some reason, I think he is lying. I know logically that doesn't make sense, but after all the rejection and then my affair, for some reason I cannot fathom that he could actually love me any more.

Has anyone else had an affair simply out of desperation because they felt so completely unwanted by their spouse? The guy I had the affair with was like a "husband substitute". I never wanted anyone but my husband.

The problem is that I actually ended up liking this guy I happened to talk to one day. We got to be better friends, and better friends, until I was smitten with him. I know it sounds insane. Dr. Harley talks about it in section on the emotional need for conversation.

The guy even told me that he thought the reason I fell in love with him was because he listened to me. It was not his intention to have a relationship with me either. Both of us are God-fearing people who frowned on extramarital affairs. I was at such a vulnerable place psychologically in my marriage, that I should have steered clear of all guys.

I end up thinking there is something intrinsically wrong with me, that my husband doesn't enjoy talking to me. Really, that is how I feel. And about the sex part too.

I know he is trying really hard to be a good husband to me now. He is putting out a lot of effort. Dr. Harley writes that whatever effort the Betrayed Spouse puts out, unfortunately goes unnoticed by the grieving Wandering Spouse or FWS (not sure on which category that would be).

But my question now isn't with all the effort my husband puts out, but how can I know its genuine? I mean, I don't want him to force all the effort, I want to know it is coming genuinely from his soul, that he actually does want to be with me. Does that make sense, or am I just being silly here? Does anybody have any light to shed on this? I am so confused.