Some days I really just want reassurance that it's not crazy that I'm still finding this so hard 7 months on.

Lately we've been doing a bit better. I've been doing better not bringing up the affair all the time with the result that hubby has been even more loving and trying even harder. We've been spending more good time together. I've been starting to feel a little stronger.

BUT ... then I relapse. We've been having lots of sex lately and in some ways it's better than it was pre-affair. But then sometimes I start imagining them together and I just shut down. I feel ill wondering if he was comparing sex with me to sex with her during that time and finding the former lacking (almost inevitably since sex with me wasn't new, exciting, novel and illicit).

This morning I woke up just feeling punched in the stomach all over again like I haven't in awhile. Feeling so angry at myself that I didn't figure it out. This drives me NUTS. Looking back there were SO many signs. So many things that I did notice were off and yet somehow it never once crossed my mind that he could be having an affair. Looking back I can't fathom why I didn't question those things more.

I trusted him 150% and if someone had suggested he might be having an affair I would have laughed and said "NO Way". So why does it still make me feel so STUPID that I didn't figure it out? I know I shouldn't but I still find myself going over and over the signs and times I noticed things were weird and I think "why didn't I follow those thoughts through?" Why didn't I pin him down and say WHY are you working late so much? Why do you keep dissapearing on the weekend? Why is your phone always switched off these days? Sometimes I would smell beer on him after work and say 'you smell like you've had a drink' and he'd say 'no I haven't' and I'd think 'that's weird, he does' but then just let it go. WHY WHY WHY? And actually, I guess I DID ask him about those things several times, but because I wasn't suspicious I didn't press it when he made vague (and in retropect very weak) excuses. I just took what he said at face value. I ask myself - am I just totally naive and stupid? And the answer in general is no, I'm not. I'm an intelligent and worldy person by-in-large. So WHY was I so blind?

I guess there's no point to this post really except that I am having a bad morning and needed to vent. I guess I just need to hear that it's not unusual that this is all still so hard sometimes.

Couples further down the track ... WHEN do you stop thinking about it every single &^%$ day?? I'm so tired of all this!! I'm so tired of feeling weak, confused and hurt. It's exhausting. I just want to feel like ME again. I want us to feel like US again and sometimes I despair that I/We ever will.

He is doing his very best to show and tell me how much he loves me and how much he wants to make this work. So why is it still so hard?

We have a MC appointment tonight. Maybe that'll help lift the cloud again.

I said something very similar about how easily I was deceived. The response I got back was, "Those most easily deceived are those most trusting." It doesn't have to do with your smarts or whatever. It's the nature of who you are.

I can't tell you when you'll stop feeling what you feel. I can tell you it gets better with time. I know you've got 7 months. I also know couples at the 2 year mark who are just starting to trust again. Affairs are cookie cutter. Recovery isn't. But you're not 7 months into this to give up are you?

What do YOU think it would take for you to stop feeling this way?

Your going through the same exact thing I am. The signs were there we just ignored them. I guess just didnt wanna believe or face it whichever it was. Now we feel stupid,embarrassed, hurt, angry, unloved, no trust,no faith ect. Like a piece of crap. We try to forget to let it go and there it is again hitting us in the face for how long we don`t know and we even wonder if we can go through this. Some days are worse than others. Today was a bad day for me its My 51 b-day. My eldest daughter who has always stuck up for her father did`nt call me, she had the grandkids. It hurts, and then H comes home and those feelings of him and hhis FRIEND rush right in. I don`t know how long this pain is gonna last but it hurts. I`m trying to let it go. Maybe with time.So I went to the park and sat by the water and let the tears flow.

Lillian, you're doing a lot better than I am. I'm 8 months post D-day, and although we share a bed, there is no sex. There hasn't been sex since the clinton administration, so maybe that was hoping for too much. I completely understand about you worrying about being compared to the ex-lover, and I can't see getting past that either. The OW in my case was 20 years younger than me, so it feels darn near impossible. You seem to be feeling emotions, both good and bad, and that, IMHO, is a good thing. I feel nothing but apathy. You are much further down the road to recovery than many, and should be commended for taking such a big leap of faith to get things on track. I could never do that. Good luck!

Lillian - I DID notice something wrong, and tried to show my WH compassion. He just lied more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a trusting, loving spouse. I would rather be the BS that had faith in my partner, than the WS who betrayed that faith, any day.

>>But you're not 7 months into this to give up are you? What do YOU think it would take for you to stop feeling this way? >>

Leaving? Some days I really just don't know. Sometimes it seems like leaving is the only way I'd feel better. I'm so scared of going through all this for another year - or whatever - and realising that I should have just left when I first found out. I seem to be in this awful stuck place. Can't bring myself to leave. Can't shake the deep deep doubts about staying. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just making us both miserable for no good reason.

This morning I said to hubby "I hate feeling so weak" and he said "I hate seeing you so weak. But my biggest fear is you'll regain your strenght and look at me and think 'what am I doing' and walk out the door." In a way I wonder if he's right. In another way I can't seem to let go of the hope that we might be happy (maybe even happier) again one day. I had SO much love for this man and 150% trust and it just feels so damaged. There is still great love there but I've lost so much - trust, respect, security, certainty - that I do wonder if it can really be regained or if it's a lost cause. A terminal cancer patient dying a slow, agonising death.

Aptiva, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same, sad place. Sometimes I really wonder about not seeing the signs. Was it denial? That we couldn't face the truth? Or was it simply that we trusted so much? I truly do not know. I do know that an affair seemed impossible. Even now sometimes I still can't believe it happened. Not only did I think we were extremely happy - and he always seemed so loving and devoted - I thought of my hubby as the most honest, sincere, trustworthy man I had ever known. Now I feel like I'll never trust another man like that again, period.

imanotherone, it doesn't matter if the OW is more or less attractive than you. The OW in my case was younger (though not that much younger) but I can say with all honesty that she was definately less attractive than me. No doubt. She is fat and plain. I suspect it would be worse if she were some total hottie but there is a frustration in the fact she's so plain too. (WHY???) And it certainly doesn't stop the imaginings except that sometimes I just feel even more of a loss of respect for him that he threw away my trust and respect - and possibly our marriage - for someone who a) wasn't that attractive and b) (by his own accounts) was both screwed-up and not very nice.

He said to me one day: "You're right. She was fat. And mean. And petty. And rude to other people."

So WHY??? Oh, that's right. She stroked your ego non-stop.

Sigh.

Amen Believer...I'd say everything is normal...time heals...and at this time it's been over 2 years , and I'm just starting to realize I need to move on.

Hang in there.

I am exactly seven months past D Day too. Starting about January, I decided to take the advice here and concentrate on ME! I go to the Gym everyday, have a new granddaughter and think as little about the affair as possible. Sure, occasionally, I have a bad day or two. I have decided not to let my H's bad judgement ruin any more of my life. My H has been very remorseful and transparent since I found out and is really trying to rebuild our marriage. For me, I want to rebuild our marriage, but I also want to find and rebuild me.
I plan everyday for me now and what makes me happy. Funny, the happier I become the less I care about his weakness and the stronger I feel. I shop when and where I want, I make any decision that comes along. I am freer that I ever was before the A's.
He knows if I find out about any more A's, that's it. That is my boundary. He has to earn a place in our home and in my life from here on.

C & P for Lillian (thanks Mel & Nikko):

Joseph's Letter
__________________________

To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

(End of Joseph's Letter)

Thank you resilient. That letter does a great job of expressing what I've tried to explain to my husband over and over. It's hard for him to talk about the affair because it makes him feel horrible and he says it's "very painful because I can only see it now through the lens of how much it's hurt you". But it's the wondering that drives you insane. Not having all those pieces. I guess to some degree I'll never have all the pieces. He tells me he never felt that romantic and he was wishing he hadn't started it not long into it. I have burned into my brain her gushing love emails sent after it'd been going on 7 months, which certainly make it sound very romantic still. The truth is probably somewhere inbetween. I'll never really know what he was like with her and imagining only drives me nuts.

dkljj2005, i find your post very inspiring. I too recently decided I needed to focus more on ME, rather than worrying about "The Marriage" all the time. But some days it's harder than others. I'm so sick of having my life defined by his stupid affair - a dumb mistake that couldn't possibly have been anywhere as deep or real or loving as the 7+ years we've shared. I'll keep trying and will think of your words when I'm stumbling - thank you.

I'm still trying to decide whether to take a sub-let and live on my own for awhile to give me time to focus on healing myself. Sometimes I feel it's just too hard to do that when I'm around him constantly and thus the triggers and pain are ever-present. I'm going to look at a place this weekend but I'm still feeling very conflicted about it all. Half of me thinks it's a very good idea. The other half thinks it will just make us grow further apart. I really don't know right now.

Why don't you counsel with Steve Harley? Tell him how you feel and let him help coach you into a Recovery plan?

He is the expert.

Jo

I think you would be making a HUGE mistake to move away from him. What you are going through is a typical recovery. It takes much longer than people imagine.

My WH and I didn't recover, and it still took me around 18 months to feel good again.

Resilient, seeing the Harley's isn't an option as we don't live in the US. Though we have both read the book (and others) and we are seeing an MC here.

Believer, I guess if I want to repair the marriage moving out is a bad idea. But some days I'm just so unsure that's really what I want. And sometimes I think I can't repair the marriage until I repair me, if that makes sense.

I guess lately I've just been starting to really feel like it would be so much easier to start over than go through all this. Especially given my age (31) and the fact we don't have kids. I'm really wondering if I can ever feel really good about this marriage again. It's particularly painful because, had you asked me 7 months ago how I felt about my marriage I would have said, "It's wonderful. It gets better all the time etc"

But you're probably right that either way I'm looking at a long time before I feel truly "ok" again. I know there's no point moaning 'it's not fair' like a little kid but, really, it does seem so unfair to have to suffer so much over something that could have been avoided. Life throws enough &*^% our way without bringing misery on yourself. My husband had a happy marriage with a loving, loyal partner. So, many days I still think - WTF were you THINKING??!!

And it kills me that someone I've never even talked to has had such a huge impact on my life. Of course, had he been the loyal devoted spouse I thought he was it wouldn't have mattered how much she batted her dumb cow-face eyes at him.

Blech. Please someone - MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!

Yes, I know that's futile too.....

You sound like you are going through a normal recovery. Please give it more time.

I waited three years to divorce my WH. Lots of people told me I wasted my time, but I am at complete peace. I know I did the best I could to save my marriage, and have no regrets.

Lillian,
If I were 31 with no children, as you are, I might think hard about whether to continue in the marriage. You are still young enough to start over and find happiness. If you want to save your marriage, moving out is probably counterproductive. Good luck and I hope you find peace with the decision you make.

Resilient

Thank you! Thank You! Thank you! That is a wonderful letter that just brought some sanity into my life. I hope you don't mind but I am going to use your letter.

Lillian to your point it is "normal" It has been almost two and a half years since D Day for me and I still feel that way. I have spent over half of the last two and a half years sleeping on the coach.

Learn from my mistakes. I let my WW dictate the course of our recovery and guess what I feel like I was punched in the somach this morning. She has never to this date discussed with me what happened. I will tell you from personal experience that all I wanted to hear was what, when, why, where and how. Not once but sevaral times until I heard the same story every time.

As far as being deceived trust me if you love someone it is easy to be deceived. Love is blind right? Before my W's A I knew it was going to happen. Before she went on her trip that it happened on I told her I thought she was going to have an A because of the way she had been acting. Guess what I was right. To make it worse I called the OM after one of my family members told me she had an A. She denied it and I believed her. Forget about being blind to the changes that should have given you an idea. I was smacked with the truth and still believed her.

I can tell you I wish I would have been here two and a half years ago I know I would be a better person today.

Just know you are not alone and things will get better someday. With work on both of your parts it will get better together.

Lillian, I've been away from these boards for months. When I was hanging out here regularly, the rule of thumb was not to make any big decisions for at least a year.

Recovery takes FOREVER. We're...four years post D-day and our M is *spectacular!* But I let the A define my M and myself for two years or more. It's a hard, slow thing to work through.

Only you can decide if you want to recover the M or leave it, but I wouldn't decide that for at least 5 more months.

Threadjack!...

Hi turtlehead! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

...End Threadjack!

-ol' 2long

I sure hope it's normal, because I do the exact same thing..only 4 months out from D-day here..last contact (that I know of but am pretty certain) was his last day at work on 2/25...I still go over the lies and deception he carried out for the 3 months of the A...it just boggles my mind that he was/is capable of doing this and I still can't wrap my mind around it...I look back and see 'signs' too..ones that I blew off because of my total trust in him..I even remember thinking back when he started this job and would talk about the women who worked at this terminal...just things they talked about etc...that I should keep my eyes open in regards to them..sounded like they did a little too much 'flirting' to me..but then I didn't hear anymore about them (now I know why!) and I forgot about it..stupid, stupid blind trust..it really is a marvelous thing when it is deserved..but omg, the pain when it's broken .. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think we've gotten past the place where he is EVER going to admit a PA if there was one..I think he is in a place where he believes that part of our lives are behind us and we've moved on..so, unless I find out another way, I guess I'm just going to have to either live with the fact that I'll never know, or cut my losses and end this...I really do love my H though and hopefully I will be able to put my doubts to rest at some point and truly enjoy our relationship once again...