After reading some of the replies to recent threads, I began wondering about how do you end Plan B. We post a lot about Plan A and the transition to Plan B. Plan B occurs and then in some mystery zone people either get divorced or recovered.

Yes, of course I know the purpose of Plan B is to be dark, dark, dark. I believe in Plan B being a great comfort to the betrayed. It does remove you from the drama. It keeps you out of contact with your CS. No matter how hard it can be, I like and see the benefit of Plan B.

However, when you're that dark, how do you know what's going on? How do you know if your CS is meeting any of one's Plan B expectations? Should it be so obvious that there is no doubt? If you are turning away all communications with your CS, would you ever know?

Do you go from Plan B to Plan D without lifting the darkness? In this case, you'd just serve divorce papers on the CS without any communication? That's not just firing a shot across the bow. It's firing the cannon at maximum range and going for the hit that sinks. Would you, without another word to your CS, go through with a divorce? I suppose you could do this if during your Plan B you've decided you no longer have any love/feelings/care for the CS.

Is there a point to an extended Plan B? If you've been Plan B-ing for, say, 2 years, is it really doing any good? What if the CS never decides to start proceedings? Is there a time when a BS says, "enough is enough."? Now, I CAN see reinitiating a Plan B after a divorce.

Some people suggest an occasional peek out of Plan B to show the CS that the BS is still around and wishing for recovery. I can see how that might work with some. Perhaps if the BS still has any love/feelings/care for the CS this might be a course.

How many of one's Plan B points should be met before you lift your Plan B? In my case, one of my points is tenatively being met. Another, is probable. NC with OW? How does anybody ever know that even in recovery? If there seems to be some movement in the relationship, how do you reopen the "negotiations"?

We all know that a CS is not to be trusted. How do they cross the line to FCS? Does recovery start as simply an act of faith?

I'm serious about this. I see my own marriage hanging by a thread that I could cut. I am sick of Plan B and I don't seem to have much luck at being 'still'. Now what's next?

Hi Grape -

Those are great questions --- I am interested to find out what the responses are to those.

Doesn't Harley suggest 18 months for Plan B? I don't see myself staying in Plan B for much longer than that at all.

Which one condition is your WH meeting?

Take Care!

Kim

I feel alot like you ....My FWW has came and went countless times but this last week I haven't see her physically but just this past weekend I've become darker.

As a few close friends had told me....I'm beginning to see a clearer pictur that she is'nt the same loving lady she was when we fell in love 9 years ago.

I know once in counceling I said I wanted my old little girl back...and she replied "I'm not the same person I once was."

I think what I'm starting to feel is the need to let go.
I prayed a bunch last night as I couldn't fall asleep.

I see we did'nt fail....I'm learning more and growing as a better husband to whom? Perhaps the Lord has a bigger plan for some!!

In Plan B, the ball is TOTALLY in the WS' court.

Plain and simple, Plan B means NO CONTACT with the WS until he/she has made a decision to end the affair and to not see the OP again in his/her lifetime. Nothing short of this is acceptable.

After this condition comes, the No Contact letter and the WS' agreement to abide by the Four Rules of Recovery...

So, to answer your question, it is OBVIOUS when to come out of Plan B..only when the WS is SERIOUS about ending the A..with the WS doing most of the WORK of showing you, the BS, that working on the marriage is what is wanted..

Basically, during PLAN B, you have LET GO. You did all of your work during PLAN A. It's about going on with your life as if the WS may not return.



Why not? If you decide to divorce, it's because you no longer love that person..and no longer want to be married..so why the need to interact? I mean you could interact after the divorce..after the divorce, there's really no need, IMO, for a Plan B per se. Plan B is a MBing strategy...



I don't think this is wise at all..this OCCASIONAL PEEK out of PLAN B..then it is not Plan B..why do PLAN B?..One should TRY to seriously commit to the Plan..

You may be speaking of what we have called Transitional Plan B..I did this..only after my WH FIRST CONTACTED ME..stating a desire to reconcile...I DID NOT INITIATE INTERACTION WITH HIM...BIG DISTINCTION....

THERE HAS TO BE A NO CONTACT LETTER!!! Without this, assume continued contact...Plus, as I said before, early recovery requires the four rules of recovery or else a false recovery...I'll find them and post them here for you...

Here you go:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

If he has an IQ over 15, he will know how to get a message to you that he is serious about recovery. It's really not that hard to find a relative or mutual friend.

How about skywriting? Singing telegrams?

In any case, the PBL was supposed to establish an intermediary. That person can convey a message.



I did. The time for talking was over. And his behavior -- or perhaps hers, since she has access to his email accounts -- continued to be abusive.



Yes. It gave me enormous protection and peace of mind. It does still.



The Harleys did suggest that maybe every six months or so you might drop a line to see if they have reconsidered -- but that's all. A short note. The short note is not an invitation to reinitiate contact. It's checking the temperature.

I personally think this is ill-advised, because it conveys that you are waiting -- thus helping WH to subliminally cake eat.

In my case it wasn't needed, since we live in the same community and I could tell he was still living with OW. I think in most cases you know. And if he doesn't tell you -- he can't be that interested in recovery.



Grapegirl, as we discussed in your other thread, you haven't really tried Plan B. You were talking about how your WH hadn't met the conditions of the Plan B, and you could tell he had not during two recent dinners with him.

If you are having dinner with him, you are not in Plan B.

You say he is meeting some PBL conditions -- which conditions are you willing to give up on? No contact? Serious commitment to recovery? What?

Can't you see with your dinners you made the statement that your PBL was a ruse, and you weren't serious about it, or didn't have the willpower for it. Now you are willing to vitiate your PBL statement further by compromising on conditions.

Grapegirl, I get the feeling you won't take "no" for an answer. You are still trying to make two quarters into a buck. You are still trying to talk him into recovery, whether he wants it or not. You are willing to pay the difference with huge compromises.

It's very clear he's not ready for recovery. That is your answer. And he'll mess with your head further if you let him.

Why do you want to communicate with him? Do you see him as friendship material?

LOL..SO TRUE!!



Agreed. Grape, be honest with yourself. What is your issue with Plan B? Let us know if you figure it out.

Plan B is about LETTING GO..realizing that you are POWERLESS..that you have NO CONTROL over your H or this situation... YOU ONLY HAVE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF..Is that scary for you... to give up a sense of control? Your WH may know this about you and will play the game, in order to cake-eat, of giving you the illusion that you are having some effect on him..However, you actually remain POWERLESS...As I said before, THE BALL IS TOTALLY IN HIS COURT.



Yep..Why? I came to the point that I didn't want to have anything at all to do with the WH. I made it very clear to my H in the PBL and to his face that if he chose not to be my H, I WOULD NOT BE HIS FRIEND. I would not have anything else to do with him other than what was necessary for taking care of our children...

Mimi said it all. Excellent Mimi!