Hi all! Was referred here and am grateful to find. I have had my suspicions for awhile. My hub received a text message on his birthday in Feb which he didn't mention. I thought that was odd so I peeked and noted the number - all it said was Happy Birthday. He had to go out later legitimately, but called that number from the driveway on his way. I think it has come up another time - it came up again last week at 6:19 a.m., right after he left. He went to get equipment and bring it back - there is one hour unnaccounted for. I know that is not earth shattering.
He recently went out of town and erased all of his cell calls.
I decided it would be better to confront him in peace rather then in a fight. Asked who J. was and he said its a friend of his he talks to a couple times a year. I asked when do you talk to her last - oh awhile back. Why did you not mention the text and why do you call her behind my back? He says he must not have recognized the number on the text and probably called her back a couple days later. He hasn't cheated, and doesn't plan to cheat and its just an old friend he has known since high school. If I wanted I could call her myself. That he calls her back after she calls him.
I went to the store, came home, still not satisfied. So I decided to call his bluff and call her on his phone. He was outside. I called and got a message, so I went to check his incoming calls to see if she had called first - and she called back. When I answered the phone, I said Hello twice and she hung up. I called her right back and she hung up again.
So I took the phone to him and said "your girlfriend keeps hanging up on me". So he says lets call her - he calls - there is a pause - he says hello? hello? this is s. - M. thinks we are fooling around and he hands me the phone. (Note I know she paused to see if it was me calling.). I get on the phone and ask her "why my hub is calling her behind my back and why she hangs up on me when i call?". She says I must be kidding, she is at a bar and someone else must have had her phone. I call them both liars and walk away.
He comes in and very sincerely apologizes to me, and I felt he was being sincere with me. We got along fine that night. The next day it kept eating at me "why did she hang up on me?". again, and again and again.
So I brought it up again and he swears he hasn't cheated ever, and never will. Why did she hang up on me? He says he don't know she must have freaked out.
Why would a person freak out if they had nothing to hide?
He told me I must be insecure from a recent surgery. I told him I was not insecure that there was suspicious activity and I had every right to be suspicious of it.
He said he would do nothing to jeopardize our family, he has been in those shoes and knows how it feels and would not do that to me.
So, final chapter of this long post. I called her at 10:30 a.m., from my homephone and left a message that said "this is m., i wanted to clear the air with you please call me back". Its 6:06 p.m. and I haven't heard from her.
I know what I am thinking, and my women's instinct is on high alert. I would so appreciate any thoughts from anyone - and am I overreacting? Also, what other signs should I look for?
Thank you!
M.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Now that you have confronted him, and tried being honest, it is best to drop it, because if something IS going on, they will just get sneakier.

The call on his BD is suspicious to me, and also the fact that he called her back. Add to that her hanging up on you, and I'm worried.

See if you can get the cell-phone bill. You can often get it on-line. If there is something going on, you will see hundreds of calls.

If he spends time on the computer, you can install a key logger and find out who he is talking to.

I really hate to say it but I DO think it sounds very suspicious. And, if you have been doing any reading here you will know that cheating spouses will deny deny deny. My husband said "You're reading too much into this sweetheart. It's not what you think" even after I read him out a lengthy email that very, very obviously was not from a "friend".

Why WOULD she hang up if there were nothing to it indeed. Also, if there were nothing to hide why would he be deleting cell phone records and calling her from out in the driveway? This is all highly suspicious behavior, although certainly for your sake I very much hope I'm wrong.

Trust your instinct (I wish I had). Check phone bills, install a keylogger, read email, whatever it takes. I know it sucks but, trust me, you're better off knowing. I never dreamed of snooping on my partner like this pre DD and I really wish now that I had.

If there is nothing to it then all's well and good. If there is something to it, better you know sooner rather than later.

Well - I called her again and left another message yesterday shortly after I posted. After 15-20 minutes she hadn't called back which convinced me that she was hiding something. In fairness, i figured she was at work during the day so may not have called prior but by evening I would have made a point to call. So I started sending a text to husband that said "you better come home with the truth or better not come home at all". Before I sent it, the phone rang and it was her.
I said I really wanted to know why she had hung up on me? She said that her and her friend were at a bar, and she had gone outside to smoke and told her friend to answer the phone because she has a car for sale and doesn't want to miss the call. She said her daughter had called right before me and got hung up on too.
I said why is he calling you behind my back? She said to talk to him about that cuz she doesn't know why. She said its not like we talk all the time, we talk a few times a year. She said if thats a problem, she won't call because she doesn't want to interfere. I told her I have no problem with them being friends - what I have a problem with is it being hidden. And as for frequency, that is true - they have only spoken twice in the last couple months - that I know of. She said she has a boyfriend, her own life, they have known each other since highschool and just keep in touch throughout the year blah blah blah.
The pit in my gut left after talking to her. And it wasn't from her words because everything she said could have been a lie just as easy as the truth. It was in her voice, and in her mannerisms. It was like talking to another man to be honest and not someone I could feature my hub going with - unless he is looking for something weird.
As for cellphone bills, its a cricket phone so we don't get a physical bill - you have to just check the call list. I will say if the phone is turned off you can check messages undetected. So I did have opportunity to do that yesterday to see if she was calling him to check the story before talking to me (he was out of range to be reached on that phone so it was off).
Anyway, if there is anymore truth to be revealed I believe it will come. I am not young and naive enough to think all of my problems are solved and will take it as a big red flag that we need to work on a better relationship. I am grateful to have found this site, and have ordered a book to read and will try to focus on insuring our relationship I guess. Here's hopin......thank you all for your responses, I appreciate the support and wish us all the best!

Keep your vigil up. I wouldn't say anything else to your H at this point. Let him think that you believe that they are just friends. I would place a digital voice recorder in his car and see if you can pick up anything there. They are bound to be more careful now that you have become suspicious.

My gut tells me that where there is smoke, there is fire. My FWH remained friendly with several female college classmates over the years. It never bothered me in the least bit and I was never at all suspicious when he often spoke of one in particular who lived 3000 miles away. Well, they had a lengthly EA which turned into a 8-month PA.

I was completely surprised because OW was fat, unattractive and definately not FWH's "type."

Best of Luck to You.


Who

By the By I forgot to ask....tell me more about the digital voice recorder? Did you use one? Where did you get it?
I'm so nervous that the battery will go dead in it and start beeping and give me up! Anyway - if you could let me know I would appreciate it. Thanks!

I have 2 dvrs and they both work pretty well. Had some problems with one, but fixed it.

Both have settings where you can turn "beep" off so it's no problem. Also turn volume all the way down.

I got one at Radioshack for about $50. They did not have any with ac adapters (at that particular radioshack).

Before I knew I could get one there, I ordered one from www.spy-tronix.com. This was more expensive but had more memory and an ac adapter. It was about $175 but it also included everything I needed to hook it up to the phone line. You can probably get that stuff at Radioshack too, but you'd have to get it separately.

Both are easy to operate if you read the instructions and play with it for 20 min.

Good luck.

Quote:
________________

I said I really wanted to know why she had hung up on me? She said that her and her friend were at a bar, and she had gone outside to smoke and told her friend to answer the phone because she has a car for sale and doesn't want to miss the call. She said her daughter had called right before me and got hung up on too.
___________

Does this makes any sense?

1. She doesn't want to miss any call... Why didn't she took the phone with her?

2. She asked the friend to answer the phone... and the friend hung up on people?????

lastly... she was refusing to talk to you. But then she finally called you. Are you completely sure she haven't talked to your H first?

Maybe you stop anything that was there before it moved further, maybe not.

Keep snooping and don't mention it for some time. They will deny till hard proof is presented.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...It`s a duck. This may not be a fullblown A YET...but something is up.

OW`s always deny. D-days scare the living daylights out of them for many different reasons.

You need to do some further investigating here and get the full truth out into the open so you can put an end to the A and begin recovery.

Here are few ways to investigate.

Keep checking the cell phone bills.

Do a reverse look up on her phone number and find out where she lives and what her full name is. You can do a reverse look up with a cell phone number too but you have to pay for that. I am not sure if her address would show up on that or not...it might. Find out as much about her as you can. If you know her full name this will be easier. The more you know the easier she will be to monitor. You can find reverse lookup sites on the internet. And once you do have a name, google her.

Install a keylogger or spyware on your computer. You can find free keyloggers to download off the internet. I did this and I am a computer illiterate. Type keylogger into a search engine. Make sure your erase the history afterwards.

You have to purchase spyware, don`t try loading that for free off the internet. The free ones are just trials and are not hidden on the computer. Users will see the icon. When you pay for it the icon will remain hidden.

A keylogger records every stroke made on the keyboard. You see everything that is typed. But you don`t see what comes in and when you hit "ctrl alt delete" the keylogger shows up as an active program. I changed the keylogger name to hide it. But a savvy user would catch on to a keylogger after a few days. Spyware does not show up anywhere and it records EVERYTHING coming and going. And both the keylogger and the spyware will record any hidden passwords.

Buy or borrow yourself a tape recorder or a baby monitor. A tape recorder is good for the car and hidden baby monitor can be used in the house. Hide it wherever your H goes to get peace and quiet when he talks on the phone.

Talk to a couple of trusted friends. This is hurtful and humiliating I KNOW. But it`s a good source of info. So often friends hear or suspect things but won`t rock the boat till you bring it up. And they can also make discreet inquiries on your behalf. If you are friends with any of the wives of your H`s friends there is a good chance they might know something. Men do talk amongest themselves and they have been known to then tell their wives what their friends are up to.

You could hire a PI or have a trusted friend follow your H to see where he goes when he`s not at home.

Once you have OW`s address you could drive by yourself when your H is not home to see if he`s there.

There are tests you can buy off the internet that will check a spouses underwear for fluid from the opposite sex. This is disgusting I know but it does work.

Start riffling through pockets, the glove compartment of the car, under the car seat, in brief cases, the nightstand, ect. Anywhere and everywhere things could be hidden.

Check the odometer on the car. See how much mileage your H racks up when he goes out for a loaf of bread.

And last but not least (and how I finally caught my H after THREE YEARS)...

Bluff. I told my H that I had spoken with the wife of his best friend and that she had told me EVERYTHING (she had told me a bit but not everything)....and then I sat back and waited.

I think that if something is going on and you go down these options one by one you are going to make a hit.

Thank you for the good information.
1) I wonder if the thought about "why didn't she take the phone with her?" popped into my head this a.m. when you typed it. I thought that before I got out of bed this a.m.

2) Daisy, I have done (am doing) all the things you mentioned in your post except the tape recorder which I will be checking into. The calls he generally takes at home are from his kids or work. ALSO - how do you clear history from Yahoo search? We use AOL mainly, so if I do searching I use Internet Explorer and than erase history - but how do I erase history from Yahoo?

3) The phone he calls on doesn't have a phone bill so I check it daily usually when he is in the shower, or like last night I get up after he has gone to sleep.
4) Her house is 5 minutes from his Mom's house so how convenient is that! I get opportunity to check it if our child is at his Mom's and he is the one picking him up - I watch for time opportunites that way.

I melted down yesterday and told him I know he is lying and he better face the truth. He swears he isn't having an affair - I swear the truth will reveal itself.

It is easy to want to believe in the fantasy that the affair is not there - I agree that something is up - maybe it has just not progressed to an affair, or maybe it has ended.

I will continue with my vigils and if I do that, the truth will reveal itself. And that helps me relax enough to get through the chores of my day without obsessing. .....That is until I see her number again and my heart dropps to the bottom of my gut......until then. Thank you for your good advice!

iceprincess-

I'm a bit more cynical than the usual poster, so keep that in mind as you read my post.

My FWW lied about the first time she contacted her old school "friend." Then she lied about the relationship they had in school. Then she lied about the times he went to her workplace to visit her. Then she lied about the nature of their relationship during their telephone EA. Then she lied about where she was when she went to screw him all day (I was home taking care of our 2 kids). The OM lied about "not wanting to cause any trouble" and the day after having sex with my wife told me "it's not like that."

They are all liars. I think your H is up to something, if he's not, then he wants to be. Get to the bottom of it soon or it will get worse. I had a chance to stop my FWW before it got physical, but I was too much of a wimp.

I agree with what you are saying and I am sorry that happened to you. My question to you is how could you have stopped it? By doing the personal work of the relationship?
Please elaborate on that end of it.....

The other thing that is pissing me off today is if it was so important for her to receive calls - then why did I get a message and a callback? Liars.....

By exposing the affair. Read about all over this forum. I did it so effieciently that it ended in 12 hours (took FWW 6 weeks to defog).

My first thought was "What do you know that you are pretending not to know" Jump in and listen to your gut.You are a woman and you know when something's up.... do your research. Contact cell phone company on side and get the bills they will show you #.s, look through everything until you know the truth. He will never ever tell you unless he knows you know. I just found out 3 weeks ago same way... he is still lying but he admitted Affair. 2.5 years married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Great Smile - I'm sorry for what you are going through. and I hate liars! I hope you are finding the support you need.

Mine has left his phones in his truck the last 3 days instead of bringing them in the house to charge them which is what he normally does. If he has nothing to hide - than why is he hiding? There is a chance he did it because of 4:30 a.m. starts for several days - but after being accused would you? So based on that I went ahead and ordered the GPS listed above. I don't feel I will get "transparency" otherwise - and that's what I need.

I usually go out to his truck while he is in the shower to check the phone. One night - I went out at 1:00 a.m. to do it - did not get caught but was sure scared. Today I'm thinking I may have left it on silent and gave myself up.

Regardless - what I am doing now is crying every other morning to manage my feelings. Reading His Needs/Her Needs and trying to treat him as if I have been taking him for granted ---- becaue that is how I feel. I hope I'm not creating a cake eater.

Great Smile - Great Thread!
I'm getting some good info here. I'm in sorta the same spot. Suspicious, and trying to gain info.

I need to learn more about cellphones, I've never had one myself, so I'm clueless about snooping methods.

Is the Cricket phone like a pre-paid phone? If so there has to be an account so he can add minutes. The listing on those are not percise BUT it will show numbers being called out. Since you have her number you can do a reverse cell look up (like someone else said there is a small fee for that, maybe $20 bucks) I did the same thing and got her full name, address, home phone, age and birth month.

I would not question him anymore on it, act like everything is fine. Do your own investigative work. If he thinks you are suspicious he will hide things better. Do not call him on anything until you know for sure there is something going on.

If he uses the computer install a keylogger. Even if he erases emails it will track what he types or tell you if he has accounts you do not know about.

Half_full,

Any updates to your situation? I am impressed with the tenacity you've shown in getting to the bottom of this. I sure hope it WAS all for naught, or that you nipped something in the bud. Please post an update if you can.

I hate to join the chorus on this one, but keep up your snooping if you have any suspicions at all. My WH and I have a similar history. We've been married almost 13 yrs., together 15 and through all that he would occassionally talk to his old "friend" from high school. Actually a girlfriend that put him through the ringer. Every time we had a rough patch, he would contact to "talk."

This last rough patch he did the same and never told me he talked to her like the times before. But like the times before, I eventually found out. Unfortunately found out too late this time and a PA ahd already begun. Swears there never was one before, but this time she was more open with him and it just led there.

I confronted when I had proof. Cell phone record on-line showed over 40 calls in one month. When I confronted him, he couldn't deny. But snooping did get harder and we're at the point now where even though he says he wants to work on our marriage, he doesn't/can't give up a relationship/friendship with her yet. Refuses to give me access to records now, he changed password and security word. This became last straw for me and I asked him to leave until he can commit to us and NC a week ago.

The pain of it all really sucks. I'm seeking IC and have also bought the recorder. Waiting for the right opportuinty to install. It really is better knowing as much as it hurts. I think about how long he lied to me and how many times he denied in past and that hurts as much or more. Knowing is the first step towards R, with or without him.

Keep checking and reading on this site. It's helpful! Very helpfull! but you've seen that already.

Good luck and God bless.

Hi Angiemoose,
You must be very sad right now, I feel for you! But at least you know. I've intercepted one of my H's credit card bills...I'm afraid to open it....afraid of what I'll find, and not sure what to do if I find something upsetting.