Doesnt make sence in moving to another state as suggested, would`nt WS`s just cheat there too? I have thought of it but if they do it where you are now, they`ll find someone in another state.Guess what it all boils down to is, how much your WS loves and wants to work on the M.Just a thought.

I can see your arguement for not moving. Allow me to offer, though... if both spouses are committed to the M and to learning to love each other properly, as a BS, when your WS comes to you to ask for your help in not seeing the OP again, shouldn't you do everything you can to help remove the temptation? Something about keeping an honest man honest comes to mind here.

At other times, the practicality of moving simply isn't there. If you're in the military, for example, you can't just "decide" to switch jobs and move. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If everything is in place, FWS wants to work on M and put extrordianry precautions in place and has pledged to maintain NC, but the OP continues or there is a problem with NC then moving is appropriate. In some instances, 2 right off the top of my head, OP was in the neighborhood, moving would be practical due to the temptation of seeing the OP routinely. Also if children are active and OP's children are involeved with your children then moving would be called for. Just my .02

aptiva,

I'm sure there are several, but one of the reasons I think the Harleys suggest moving out of state is to get the WS as far from the OP as possible, to aid in withdrawal and breaking the addicition of the A.

Possibly.

The point of physically separating the WS from the OP is to provide the best insurance for permanently ending the affair - with that OP.

Starting a new affair with another OP is always possible no matter where you are. The goal here is to build an affair proof marriage in the "down time" before a new affair can start.

WAT
----------------
Between boats.

I understand all that I guess. But I know I have told my WS I hate this house, I hate living here I want to move. I have told him I have to drive by her house everytime I go grocery shopping. He said what do you want me to do move the street?
He said alot there in that answer.So I thought well maybe hes right, even if we did move to another state he would find another there.

Tell him yes, you want him to move the street.

i need advice.my husband admitted to me about an emotional affair he has had with someone he works with.i love him and he loves me what do we do to move on from this point?

The reason Harley recommends moving to another state is because the lovers are addicted to EACH OTHER. In the usual affair, the WS is not addicted to AFFAIRS, but to a specific person. Complete and total seperation facilitates no contact.

He would? So he is addicted to AFFAIRS, rather than a person? How many affairs has he had?

eajake, you will some responses if you start up your own thread. People can't see your question buried down here at the bottom of someone else's thread. Click the "post" button at the top of the page and you can start your own thread.

Giving a huge, YES! to Froz's answer...and a hug...'cuz she rocks.

{{{{{Froz}}}}

LA

It's true that there's a big difference between someone who is normally on the level and has fallen of the fidelity wagon for one particular individual, and someone who is comfortable with cheating as a lifestyle and will pursue that lifestyle no matter where they are.

And you are wise to bring up the question.

Yeah, eight years ago we moved halfway across the country. I thought WH was leaving his long-term EA behind. Well, he was - but a few months after settling in to his new job, he hired another bimbo and was off and running with exactly the same behavior.

Moving and getting away from the OP *is* necessary to break off that particular affair, but if they're just going to start another one you could move every day and it would not make any difference.
Mulan

I've been kind of struggling with this whole issue.

Actually, it's my FWH who wants to move to another CITY. He's tired of the EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS that he takes to avoid the FOW. We live in a relatively small city and she lives and works on our side of town. I see her some since I don't take the back roads like he does and I go where I want to go.

I've been reading and thinking about this.

I found that Dr. Harley thinks that the FWS remains ADDICTED to that particular FOW for life..

Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

I found this to be unsettling..making me more agreeable to a move..

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Yuck...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for posting that, Mimi!

Why move that is the question...

In my case I am moving, but not with my STBXWH (first time I have used those letters) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am moving 1400 miles away after my divorce is done. It's to save my own sanity and start a new chapter in my life without him.

Some people say I am doing it to run away, maybe in a way it is but I know i can't be in the same town with WH and OW as a couple. We have lived here our whole married life and everything is a trigger. There is not one place here that does not have a memory attached to it.

Moving will put me with my family, my mom, sister, brother, nieces, nephews and all extended family. even my ODS and his family will be moving there as well during the summer.

I need a safe place to heal and grow as a single person. This is the place for me.

Now with this said let me make it very clear that if WH was to ever want to reconcile moving away from here would have been part of the plan for recovery. This town would have been to small for me to feel comfortable that NC would have ever been established. To many places we/they could have run into each other. if by some miracle WH ever does want to reconnect with me he would have to make the move, I will never come back here to live. To much water under the bridge and to much hurt to be comfortable. This is one thing I would never back down on and if he could not meet this condition then recovery is something he really is not interested in anyway.

He knows where i will be and he knows how to contact me if he ever chooses to.

So for me movng is a something I need to do for me not my marriage. I know this is not exactlly what you were talking about but right now its my perspective moving away from the place the affair happened.

Hurting

Many affairs be them one nite stands ect, in my 31 years of marriage. My hubby was a bar-fly, hustled pool, drank ect. He still insists to this day nothing happened(sexual) between them.He still denies all of it but cannot say I am the only woman in 31 years that he has had sex with.

My thoughts exactly.........my WS was seeing a women he had a crush on in elementary school and met her later in life after she was divorced. Funny how I talked about a guy I had a crush on back then but WS never told me of a crush he ever had. Well know I know why.lol. WS was trying to make that crush a reality.But he does love the attention from all the women.Guess he did`nt get enough from his mom.

Five that I know of in 31 years,probaly more as he claims he was always shooting pool or working OT. Told him today I wanted to move out of state,he said not till I retire,I told him you have no option if you want to save our marriage,he said he would.
Also told him we are going to marriage counsling he asked whos paying for it? I said does it matter?He said true.No more talk on those issues tonite he went out to work in the garage(thinking)lol