Right now has got to be the sadest, angryest (is that a word), most painful time in my life. And after reading some of your stories, I see it could be worse!!

Have you ever gotten to a point where you say 'wait a minute, I've been betrayed - my heart has been ripped out and thrown in the shredder by my spouse who swore to love me through better or worse - I continue to be abused - directly or indirectly - everyday. WHAT THE F--- AM I DOING TRYING TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE!!??!!'

I'm sure you all have.

Is it love? I have always been taught that true love is reciprocal. In a lot of our cases our WSs are stating they don't love us - either directly or indirectly.

Is it fear? Fear of change, being alone, of the unknown, failure, damage to kids? I know a lot of divorced people who are happier now than they have ever been. Kids are well adjusted also. Are we afraid that people will view us as a failure for not being able to stay married when they (apparantly) have 'normal' lives?

WHY OH WHY are we not kicking our WS in the teeth (figuratively of course), taking what is left in our lives that is still valuable (kids, car, cat), and saying 'see ya, good luck with the life you have chosen, loser.'???

WHY have we convinced ourselves that our dignity, pride, self-respect are less valuable than this so-called love?

ANYONE?

I'm not trying to put anyone down here, I know we are all hurting and want a normal life again, but I find myself asking these questions more and more recently. Honestly I just feel like saying 'enough is enough'.

phoenix, people stay with their marriages when they believe there is hope. Most marriages do no break up over infidelity. Divorce is much harder than staying there and sticking it out. Especially for your daughters.

In your case, your marriage does seem very hopeful if you would just follow this program and move your family away from the OM. But unless you move and ensure that contact is ended, your W is not going to withdraw and won't be an active partner in your marriage.

Are you reading the Harley books and following the advice the others gave you?

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

I think the answer depends on the overall quality of the marriage pre-betrayal

If there is a history of mostly decent marriage behavior ... there is a good chance the marriage is salvagable

If there is a history of mostly not-so-good marriage behavior ... the discovery of an affair might be an exit sign ... one which wakes up the betrayed >>>wake up and smell the chronic disrespect

but

too often

"love" sans "respect" tries to resurect the affair-marriage

and I am saying

I have yet to see a recovery actually work out ... where the wayward offers the betrayed love without respect

not one time

Pep

Yes, we all have, especially at the beginning of Recovery when everything is so raw and new and painful. It's a normal human reaction.




Of course it's love for most. For some, it's possessiveness of the spouse, i.e., not letting someone "get away with taking what is mine!"




I would disagree with what you have been "taught." True Love is sacrificial, regardless of whether or not it is returned. True love gives love with no requirement that it be returned. As in...."for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son to die for us."
"This is love, that while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us."

It takes TWO to have a marriage, not love.

I know things are early for you and that the pain, anguish, and anger are still very strong. But congratulations on your decision to TRY to recover your marraige and to work through all of this DESPITE the very real pain and depth of hurt, as well as the uncertainty that you BOTH have, since none of us KNOWS the future.

God bless.

Thank you ML. You have been very helpful over the past few days. I am trying to follow the advise on this page, from my counsellor, from my wife's counsellor, friends, strangers, but it is soooo hard getting over the resentment that my wife can do such a stupid, selfish thing to me and my family and the humiliation that goes hand-in-hand with it.

I'm really just venting. I am grateful for this page because it has been a place to get some objective advice when I couldn't see through the emotion.

Thanks again.

phoenix - I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Have you read about the five stages of grief? People go through these stages after the death of a loved one or after some other traumatic loss, such as the loss of a marriage/family through infidelity.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Mourning
Acceptance

No doubt you've hit stage two: Anger. Does this seem right?
Mulan