WH has been given a very strong dose of REALITY....from my attorney

Then,I gave him a dose of his own medicine - so he's freaking out. He is checking my cell phone records, credit card bills. He says it's no different then how I reacted to him 3 years ago. He's right, I freaked out when I found out about his A's, did I throw him out?? No, I begged, I pleaded (though, after finding this site, realized that was the wrong approach), but he was relentless in continueing his A's.

NOW....he tells me he loves me..
He can't live with me going out or wait for me to build a new home. I have to move NOW..
But, it was OK that I lived with his going out,drinking, A's, etc. for almost 3 years before I got emotionally well enough to let go and try to move forward with my life. To realize that no matter how bad I wanted him to change or how bad I wanted my fantasy life to be true - it wasn't to be...

Why did he wait so long??? Does he really mean it????
Maybe it's a guy thing - it's his ego - he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either?? or that he's lost control of me and he can get back by saying he loves me..then he'll crap all over me again...

I got so strong thru IC now he throws this wrench in the game and I'm wavering....God help me make the right decision here....

I think he's seeing the financial impact of his actions and it's scaring the pee out of him. But that's just me. I don't know your sitch that well. Perhaps others will chime in. You may want to post on GQ.

[color:"purple"]IH,

He seems like he is being mean because you got serious when you filed the papers. Now he is having his little panic attack.

He can't kick you out of the marital home - don't worry about that.

Tell him to sit down and write up as you dictate all the changes he is going to make to be in your life again. Then hold him to them. Meanwhile make your plans as if he were not important to you.

I think that if you "give into" him then he will slide into his old habits and ways of treating you. Insist on being treated better. Have him earn his way back.

V. [/color]

He's behaving a like a BS whose come to his senses and wants to recover his marriage.

To be honest, if you insist with "moving on" with your life and processing through the divorce, I don't really blame him for behaving this way.

Are YOU still dating, IH? Don't you see that you are guilty of the same behaviors as he is/was? You cheated on your marriage too?

Sounds like there's a lot of betrayal on both sides here.

As you've said before, IH, not all marriages can or should be saved. Just don't act so surprised when he does behave like this.

Low

It's very possible that he can depending on the evidence he has. IH is a wayward as well.

After almost 3 years and much intolerable behaviour on his part and his degrading me emotionally and physcially - yes, Loworbit - I did step over the line...

Why....because I needed affirmation that I was still an attractive, desirable woman..even if my WH didn't want me..I needed to know that I was alive. That his words weren't true - that he degraded me to justify his A's. I lived in a virtually sexless marriage to man that I wanted sexually more than anything - yet, I was rejected over and over..Then I find out he's screwing anything that walks...but, I wasn't good enough..Controlling our sexlife was just another way to control ME...

Loworbit - No - I'm not "dating"..but, I do want the opportunity to have a sexlife and someone to hold and love me...and I don't think he can do that.

I still come to work everyday and have a daily reminder of "one" of his A's, with a woman at work..How's that for a kick in the gut everyday??????? And this woman is proud of her behaviour and prances around like she owns our business not me...

I guess I should have filed for D 3 years ago - rather than cry, pray, and wait for him to stop and start to love me again.

I'm not judging you, IH. These are the very things I told myself that gave me permission to have an affair. I truly understand. Heck, my D isn't final and I'm dating again, so I am a foremost hypocrite. But you won't find me further bashing my STBXW for behaviors I'm guilty of as well.

I'm just not sure that other posters know that this street has run both ways, so you get some pretty biased advice that doesn't really work in your sitch.

However, unlike a lot of other FWS's on this board, you don't sound very remorseful. Like all of us at one time, you sound as if you were entitled to do what you did.

Doesn't feeling what you did/do provide you any opportunity to understand why your H did what he did?

I don't mean to be harsh, but you sound maybe a little like my STBXW right after we split. She started dating immediately and had an affair with our dentist. Should she get a pass because I cheated first?

Legally, there is provable infidelity on both parts. It's the spouse with the better proof that will end up better...since neither of you have any moral ground to stake.

Your H didn't make you cheat, IH...you chose to do that. And the person you hurt the most was yourself.

And yes, you should have filed for D before you chose to step out on your marriage. But, of course, you know that.

I bash him because it wasn't ONE MOW - it was many and he played them. He hurt them, himself, our family, them and their families. For what??? SEX... ******, he could have easily gotten that at home -daily....I begged him, If you want to cheat- please, please only do it with single women. Don't hurt families....

I could have understood if he fell and in love and left me...but NO.. He wasn't going to leave me - WHY??? Because he couldn't find someone better - but, yet he was miserable enough to cheat?? degrade me?? try to destroy me...and refused to try and salvage our M until what??? he got a letter from my attorney and sees that I'm stronger now and cannot be controlled by him anymore..

Right now, he's dumb enough to think that I want to leave him for someone else..This isn't about someone else - it's about ME..what I want, need and now demand in my life. What I won't settle for, what I won't tolerate. Before I came to MB I didn't even know what an EN was or a boundary..I've come a long way...I scare myself sometimes.



I'm not remoreseful, your right. I don't feel "entitled" - but, it did free me to understand more about myself and to understand how HE had SF without emotional attachment. That was something I didn't know about. I felt SF was always attached to loving someone..That was huge wake-up call.



Yes, I chose to do what I did without regard to his feelings - just like he did to me. I don't feel that I hurt myself - I truly believe I learned alot from my experience. I believed my WH must have "loved" these MOW more than me - but it wasn't about me or about "love"..

I didn't continue the behaviour - it wasn't or isn't who I am or how I wish to be "seen"..I'm above SF w/o love..

Hugs

Sorry to say this...but in my world, the moment one spouse steps outside the M, the bond is broken. I sought companionship with others before the D was final...and have no qualms about it. I sleep very well.

I never cheated, in my book, and would have never even considered another during my M. She (my exWW) is the adulteress...end of story.

TM

ITHURTS, Try to hear the feedback you're getting without defensiveness. Yes, you felt hurt by your WH's actions and I totally understand your feeling of wanting to feel attractive after living in a sexless M with a man who cheated on you. Why? Because I did the same thing. I only get defensive when I feel guilty... is that true for you? Remember, you're on the path to recovery and this is about becoming a better person, not proving you're right or at least not as wrong as he was... Know what I mean?

I think the "I love you" is just a last resort to try to regain control. While he was out screwing around and hurting you, you got your strength together and opened your eyes to a better future for yourself. He has probably always liked having you on the sidelines to walk all over and mistreat.

ITHURTS. Good for you for getting to a better place in your life. I hope I can get there one day myself.