This really puzzles me. I have been going back to posts from as far back as February in order to find discussions on the addictive nature of affairs. (Aside - Interestingly, at about this time, current veteran posters like rjr, Maya, Chris (CA123), and Lone Star were mere JUNIOR members!!!) I'm trying to understand this phenonenon.<P>I look specifically for posts from betrayers who go through withdrawal. Although the individual posters probably do not want to re-visit their agony, I was surprised at how SIMILAR their withdrawal experiences were. the two big ones are:<P>1. They AGONIZED for their OP (who they swore they loved with all their heart), sometimes to the point of a nervous breakdown.<P>2. They saw little hope in rekindling romantic feeling for their spouse. In fact, even after the affair was over most swore that they could never love their spouses like they did their OP.<P>Based on these two common elements to just about ALL betrayers after an affair ends, I ask..."Just why then do affairs end?" I mean if the pull is tht strong after the affair, why did it end? By comparison, I have never heard of a heroin or cocaine addict being able to give up their addiction by themselves....they usually need some sort of intervention.<P>But an individual caught in an affair, according to Harley, must end their addiction by themselves. In fact, intervention is counterproductive!! Can someone help me with this? Why would I expect my W's affair to end?

My affair ended because the OM wasn't willing to give up his wife and child for me. I didn't want to share him and live a lie.<P>Although I still loved the OM I couldn't sneak around and feel good about myself.<P>I'm not sure...but I think maybe people hold on to affairs because they are hoping one day to have the OP all to themselves. It seems that people in affairs will eventually come back to their spouse because at some point they will want to have a normal life. I they can't get that normalcy with the OP...they person they believe to be their soulmate, they will go back to their spouse (as selfish as it sounds). At this point the withdrawl from the OP will set in and rebuilding of the marriage will begin.<P>It seems that although the OP promises to one day leave their spouse when it comes down to it never happens...it's always harder to do then say. Hopefully one day your wife will get sick of the promises that aren't amounting to reality!

My Dear:<P>You may wish to read my post on being in love with love, but then again you may not, so I will try to tell you simply that love affairs end the same way they started. Lovers and spouses are no different. We get together because we are "in" love. Soon we find that being "In" love isn't all that it's cracked up to be and then it's the "I love you, but I'm not "IN" love with you" syndrome. So you a vulnerable and you find Mr or Ms "Right" and it's off to the races. Everything is great because love blinds you to the reality. Well, soon love settles down a bit and the reality hits you rightr between the eyes. If you are lucky, you will quietly agree that it's over and you move one. If you are not, you do it with a great deal of pain for you and everyone around you, but the bottom line is that the end is inevitable.<P>Marriage is so much more than just being "IN" love. You have to love who you are, who you are with, and what you do. You have to love it enough to stick it out through thick and thin, for better or for worse, etc.. If you read my previous post you will see that I have been at this for nearly 40 years. In and out of love so many times that most people would be dizzy. I was one of those 'Love" addicts. Not a sex addict, but a "love" addict. <P>Just face the facts, we need more than mere "love" and sex to make a marriage work. We need respect and nerves of steel and caring. We need responsibility and thoughtfulness, not irresponsibilty and thoughtlessness. I'm pretty old now and I'm just finding this out. Should have known it 40 years ago. But I guess it's never too late to learn.<P>Take care and God Bless

shattered,<P>Like all addictions, they either run your life or run their course and end. Mine ended. Similiar situation to Holly, I gave the OM a choice, me or her. He asked for more time, I didn't give it. I went through the withdrawls and ta-da made it through alive and well...<P>As far as the addiction aspect though - some addictions stick around, and if they make themselves available (like your W's OM, or the alcohol in the cupboard, or the checks in the checkbook just begging to be written even though there's no money) then we hang onto them. And sometimes, something happens that SNAPS US OUTTA IT, like for example being arrested for bouncing checks. Big eye opener. Understand??<P>Keep searching... you're on the right track!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

One thing about the “Junior” status, Shattered... we had a Forum glitch about 6 months ago, and everyone who posted between certain times had their user names reset or deleted(including Chris and Maya). It was really frustrating for some of the people who get their primary support from this place!<P>I’ll answer your primary question though... My OW broke things off, and I was devastated... at the time. Now, of course, I know she did me the biggest favor anyone ever has. I had broken up with her because she cheated on me(of course, she was actually cheating on her H, not me), but then she BEGGED me to come back. I finally did, little realizing she had already decided things were over, but SHE wanted to be the one to break it off. Of course, she didn’t tell ME this until after she went out and started ANOTHER affair on a business trip.<P>But I’ll tell you.. it led to depression, breakdown, all the clichés. Time was the only healer. Time, and a wonderful wife who was patient, and loved me enough to go to counseling and help us make a terrific life together. Now I see the OW for what she really was; a master manipulator. Not that I deny my own responsibility for the affair by any means. I was manipulated, but I was at a point in my life where I was ready and willing to be manipulated.<P>FWIW, I finally realized why she called it off(although there are too many details to list here as to the subtleties of why), not that it matters since I am actually grateful. Remember I said she lives about 3 miles NE of you? It’s in a house on that big lake over there... she and her H bought it from his Father after his mom died. Coincidentally(or not), my OW decided to forgive her H for HIS affair right about the time his mom was diagnosed... on the condition that his Dad would sell them the house. She couldn’t lose that house.<P>THESE are the kinds of flags I ignored due to my own insanity. You have to deal with much the same thing.<BR>

I was only a jr member because they kept meesing up the forum & I had to re-register. I started posting on 30 Dec.<P>The affairs start out with deceit & lies. How can a relationship continue with this hanging around? They also see the OP as not much different from the spouse. Also, if the betrayed learns something from all of this & shows a willingness to change, the betrayers wake up & realize what they were giving up vs. what they had with the OP.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

double post<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited October 02, 1999).]

triple post<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited October 02, 1999).]

Good questions Shattered!<BR>My w was in love with her om and he promised all these "things". Only when he had to make a choice between his w and my w did he dump mine and run back to his.<BR>My w now says how manipulative he was and suffocating, controling and he is a pathological liar, but that she still has feelings for him. She s questioning how he could say he loved her and then walked away(sounds familiar, maybe that is why she said she didn't love me because it was easier to wlak away then). All her friends feel bad for her(wonder what they feel for me?)<BR>It sure is strange. Someone posted long ago that it is a form a mental illness and I beleive that after all that has happened.

Holly/Endless/h_b/WhoDat/Chris/RWD - <P>Thanks for the replies. BTW Chris, you triple posted (however, your message was so good that it needed to be read three times LOL)<P>Holly - normalcy...well right now my W certainly does not have that. Unless flying off to Europe, San Francisco, being wined and dined almost every night, riding around in a Mercedes, and alienating all family and friends is normal. Not for her, but she may like it to become normal. The OM has told my W that he won't divorce his W. Apparently my W would rather be his WHORE than my WIFE.<P>Endless - I did read your thread. Boy, you DO have experience with this infidelity thing! How in the heck did both you and your W put up with it for 40 years, and dozens of OP? One is enough in my lifetime...I'd as soon amputate my left foot than go through this pain again. I like what you said about love and in love. My W HAS said to me "Shattered, I love who you are". I took that to be a variation of the common "I love you but am not IN love with you" that so many other betrayed hear.<P>n_b - i don't see OM making a "mistake". My wife is content knowing she is #2 in his life. He has a Cordon Bleu trained chef (we lived in Paris for 18 months...I paid nearly $20,000 for her culinary education. Now OM eats like a KING and I eat beans for dinner), he gets great sex, free interior design advice (shes an interior designer) and companionship. He knows he has a good thing going. I PRAY SO HARD that something happens that drives a wedge between them.<P>WhoDat - well today in MN it is cold...not going to get out of the 40's. That lake you mentioned is very close also to where my W and OM live too. Your OW's family must have dough...it's a nice area for sure. I so desperately want the OM to [censored] up so that my W can see him for who he really is. It seems like everyone's OP here screwed up, and that's what precipitated the beginning of the end. Although I don't wish harm or hurt on my W, I realize that this is the only way her affair will end. I, like your W WhoDat, want to catch my W when she falls and tell her over and over how much I love her while she grieves for OM. I long for this day.<P>Chris - I know that affairs start under a cloud of lies and that is the underlying theory why they end. I mean, it makes sense to me. But they're both lying to each other, themselves and everyone else. Why would this not continue on...ahhhh...I think I understand!!! You can only get away with the deception for so long before it really cathes up with you!!! Aha!!<P>RWD - again, let me say how happy I am for your progress. I hope you have a good weekend. In my case, I think OM CAN make good on his promises...at least the material ones. He's rich...I can't compete with that!

Shattered,<P>So WHAT if you can't compete WITH the OM... it is not a competition... you are YOU, and that has to be good enough, or not good enough at all. <P>You don't think he can make a mistake? He is HUMAN, and it is a FANTASY that they are in. What does she do about the pesky wife and 4 children of his? THEY ARE REAL and she HAS to deal with them sometime!!<P>Please don't give up!! I'm rooting for you!!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I, like your W WhoDat, want to catch my W when she falls and tell her over and over how much I love her while she grieves for OM. I long for this day<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>...and I hope it comes soon for you. She didn’t catch me per se, but she did stay to clean up the mess. She could have just let me fade away, but loved me enough to stick it out under some pretty horrendous conditions. It’s been a year and a half since she found out, and she still hasn’t told me she loves me. But I tell her, and she shows me, every day. I hope I show her as well. She and our counselor seem to think so. <BR>

I guess my ex-H was an aberration - the affair did not break apart - he has been with her for three years now, and has just recently married her. I am not sure if he really loves her (Idon't think he is capable of loving anything but getting what he wants for himself). He gave up a wife (me) who loved him unconditionally (even when he did not deserve it), a lovely home, many friends, and also lost his integrity and self-respect. I think he went ahead and married her because he had no choice - he had to in order to justify what he did - to show that he does, in fact, "love" her and that he did the right thing by having the affair, dumping me, and marrying her. Besides, he had no where else to go or anyone else to go to, as I would not consider reconcilliation as long as he was with her. He needs to have someone to share expenses with. He says he wanted to leave me for the last 10-12 years of our marriage, but notice he did not leave until he had a traveling companion for the trip out. I don't think it will last though, past 4-5 years - she has been divorced twice, and has some sort of mental disorder (either manic-depressive or borderline personality disorder). I can't think of any other explanation as to why it did not die a natural death.....

Shattered 1<P>I feel for you. Hang in there, things will get better.<P>If I was a betting man, I would put my money on one of two things happeing between W & OM.<P>1. The OM probably has a history of having affairs. He probably does it for the excitement of someone new. He probably gets an ego boost when a new women is attracted to him, and he more than likely likes having sex with someone other than his wife, to break up the same old sex feeling. Eventually, He will think of your wife, as not being new enough, exciting enough, or the sex starts feeling routine.<BR>Than he will decide its time to move on to someone new.<P>2. Your wife will finally realize that she is merely being used by OM. Its just a matter of time.<P>The only sure bet is, the affair will end.<P>As far as betting on the other two possibilites of how the affair will come to an end. Its probably an even bet. It could go either way, but I would bet on the OM making the move.<P>Curious of others opinions?<P>"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"<BR> 1 Peter 4:8

Thanks to all for your timely responses. I just got home from work. In the mailbox was a letter from her attorney stating that my wife recently reiterated her desire to move forward with the divorce. (I had been hoping that something else whas in the works as I had not heard anything from lawyer of W in over a month. I was optimistically thinking that maybe, just maybe W was reconsidering her decision. Alas, my hopes were dashed once again.) The attorney then asked for all my 401(k) statements, mortgage statements, pension plans, etc. I fell to my knees again and just started howling..... Called my father-in-law and he agreed that W should not be ruining me financially as well as emotionally. He agreed to contact her to see what it is that she wants out of a settlement.<P>I told him that first and foremost, I wanted his daughter back. However, if she is still intent on divorcing me (yes apparently) then I pray that she does not come after the house and my retirement.<P>Another lonely weekend...

Shattered-<P>Hi. dont have any answers for you , but wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I'm praying for you. I hope that one day OW will decide not to leave her h and children and that my h will see her as she is and come back home. I certainly don't see any of that right now, but i think when puch comes to shove it WILL happen. Hang in there.<P>Cheryl

Shattered:<P>Unless you were legally served, you don't have to provide her lawyer with squat.<P>I would imagine that would be a lovebuster, but gee, that's tough.<BR>

Yes WhoDat, unfortunately I was legally served 1 month ago.