But, there had to be something there for you to have even approached or continued dating your exW, no? Just maybe not at the level that you want it to be now, which I totally get....

But this still implies that ANYBODY who chooses to meet our needs will be someone we'll fall in love with.

I still don't think I buy this entirely.

The Harley's do guarantee that married couples can fall in love.

Maybe they can engineer some affectionate times and even in love feelings for a while. I even experienced this to some extent with my STBXW.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my wife. True love. But it was an uphill struggle to maintain that relationship from the git-go. It was work...drudgery.

I think we both got to the point where the payoff just wasn't there anymore for either of us.

We NEVER had the kind of relationship where we "clicked" or we got butterflies from seeing each other come into a room.

I hear couples in their eighties talk about having this...even after sixty years of marriage, so don't tell me it fades. It might rise and fall, but it's always there.

If you override your feelings of "chemistry" to choose a sensible mate, I think you'll regret it.

A quiet, passionless, reliable companionship might be enough for some, but I won't settle for that. I want the butterflies AND all of the rest. They are inseparable for me.

They could be PERFECT, but if I don't have the chemistry, it's over.

But, if the chemistry is there, I can tolerate a lot of imperfection elsewhere.

As such, I probably will overlook a few caterpillars. But then again, if they are still caterpillars, I'm not interested in them anyway. I'm not interested in marrying a "project".

Low

Nope...nada. My STBXW met through an arranged meeting, were doted on by family, and convinced ourselves the getting married was the next logical step.

We both knew this. We were married a long time before we let ourselves consider that maybe there should be more to this.

You see, as a young man, I didn't trust my heart and made every decision with my head. If it didn't make sense, it didn't get done. I drove beige Corollas while friends drove Camaros...I envied them so. Knowing my choice made more sense was little consolation.

I never let myself enjoy living.

Nowadays, I live differently.

Not at all. It means that anybody who is ABLE to meet our ENs will be someone we can fall in love with if we so choose.

Many people may CHOOSE to meet your EN's, but very few will be ABLE to do so (unless you are very non-picky <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

The other part of it is that you must be open to having your ENs met. So if you are married, and you meet someone who can conceivably meet your ENs, you won't fall in love with them and won't let them meet your ENs.

But yes, if you are open to falling in love with someone and someone comes along who can fully meet your ENs, then I think you will fall in love with them.

AGG

Well, I agree with you that this cannot be guaranteed.


I agree that having chemistry, or that feeling of being drawn to your spouse, is an important start, or opening balance. But I still feel that when you say you won't settle for less, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Chemistry can be a fleeting thing, and if you place too much emphasis on the hormones, you may end up feeling empty. You need to have that connection, that "being on the same wavelength" feeling - but that comes from awesome compatibility, not from hormones.

AGG

Nice and succinctly put!

Yep. I read that book about eight years ago, I think, and it's one of the factors in my thinking. Combine that with Malcolm Gladwell's Blink, and the implications are...scary. Throw in Neil Strauss's The Game if you really want to feel disturbed. (I only made it halfway through, it made me feel so icky.)

Blink... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> got a bit overwhelmed just reading the synopsis! Sounds so confusing yet it piqued my interest. Don't think I'm ready for that one yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

The Game sounds just plain sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

low orbit, i agree with your line of thinking. i totally believe in complete compatibility, that butterfly feeling, all of it,and i believe you can have it after many years together. i see lots of couples who have it, who are as in love now as when they first married and still act like they are newlyweds. yes, it can happen and that is exactly what i want. i hope i am well on my way to getting that....
mlhb