We had our first session with Steve Harley today and he asked us to fill out the EN questionnaire. I’ve found that my ENs since I found out about my W’s affair have changed drastically and so have my W’s. My guess is that I should fill it out with regard to where I’m at today with ENs, and not where I used to be before A. Is this correct? I feel like a totally different person since I found out about the A. I can’t even relate to the old me.

Some examples, before the A my W needed more affection than I did. There was very little of it and I didn’t miss it at all so I wasn’t meeting that need. Now I crave it, and she wants none. As far as SF goes, it was not terribly exciting, but fairly regular. Now I want at least that and she wants none. Conversation seems to my Ws primary EN. Trouble is that she always wants to talk about her work which isn’t very interesting to me. I know I wasn’t meeting that need before (and I didn’t care) and I’ve tried hard to meet it since the A, but her feelings toward me haven’t changed. Neither of us expressed a need for recreational companionship immediately before the A, we were too focused on our new family. Now I want it, and she’s not very interested. Honesty, forget it. I always assumed I had that in abundance. Was I ever wrong. Very important to me now. Attractive spouse, since the A I have become very attracted to her, which is bizarre. So she is meeting that need for me even though she probably doesn’t want to, since it leads to SF (or lack thereof).

I would have loved to have completed the questionnaire a year ago, and then again now to compare them. Is this a common feeling?

Answer the questions for youe EN's right NOW - not for before and not what you'd like them to be.

Whatever you EN's are SH will tell you to begin meeting Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation and Recreational Companionship. That's because these needs are the essence of a romantic relationship.

If the affair is still recent, withdrawal will interfere with these - particularly affection and SF.

As best you can, meet each other needs. Then you start to fall in love and then the affection and SF needs will be easy for you to both meet. Feelings and Action are like a chicken and egg thing - if you meet the need, (action) feelings follow. If you have the feelings the action will follow. The order this happens in is different for every couple.

If your wife is still feeling wretched in withdrawal, it's unrealistic to expect any needs to be met before she gets through that - figure on 6-8 weeks of NC.

Your EN's will change over time. THat's OK. It's just important that you each meet each others needs as they stand NOW.

From Penalty Kill

The trauma of an A changes you - both of you. And your needs may fluctuate as a result.

But here's the thing that I believe: your W, your M are both going to suffer if she stays at her job, where contact with the OM is ongoing. As I said before, she's never going to get to the point of withdrawal...if she doesn't withdraw. Someone used the analogy of an alcoholic at a bar...with a beer in front of him that he isn't drinking. But he can see it, he can smell it. Even when he leaves the bar, that beer will be in his thoughts, guaranteed.

Personally, I'm not sure that recovery will be possible at all if she stays where she is. Certainly it will be delayed, and the longer you delay withdrawal and recovery the less of a chance you have to save the M.

Good luck. You both have lots to do.

Thanks for the answers. It will be very difficult for us to meet our ENs regarding Affection and SF. I doubt she'll even be willing to try, I think she's got it in her head that she should only do what she "feels". I gather that for me to meet her Affection and SF needs I need to back off and let her lead.

She went through a major withdrawal last year when she initially went NC. Depression, admitted all she could think of was him, etc. After a two month leave followed by 4 month maternity leave she went back to work. I know that it wasn't full NC during the leave, because I found out that she secretly took the new baby to see him during the maternity leave. That was almost the end for me. Now that she is back at work she says they are just friends and that she has been able to set aside her feelings. She told SH this too, and he asked her if it was the truth, and she said it was, and I actually think he believed her. Even in the unlikely event that it is true, I know this won't work for me, and I know it won't work for her but I can't make her see it. SH said he will work on that part.

She is supposed to schedule an individual session with SH, but I'm sure I'll have to ask her a hundred times and then probably do it for her. That's her typical response to anything I try to do regarding our relationship since the A.

On other thing, I have been trying to meet her needs regarding conversation, and we have been trying to go out on dates since the A, and I don't think it has gotten us anywhere. She just sees us as friends. She has also tried, on a few occasions, to meet my needs for affection and SF with the same result.

Mr C,

NC is the most important step for you at this point. PK has hit the nail on the head. There can never be contact again for the rest of your lives, PERIOD! Once you have achieved that things will improve.

MrC, SH doesn't believe its true, nor does he believe it is acceptable at all. I showed you MB's stance on working together. It is impossible and will prevent recovery. I would explain to her that this is all hopeless unless she leaves that job.

SH may not have wanted to express this on the first session when he is trying to gain her trust.

Am glad you are counseling with SH, he is the best.

Might help to read up about withdrawal. It is good to understand and try and meet her needs now, but she won't respond much while she is still in an affair.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

Mr. C... I am sorry that I don't know much about your situuation. I am sorry that you are here and needing to be here. I have a question for you.... when was d-day? The best that I can figure from above is that it was quite some time ago... a year +. If so, why have you not demanded as a condition for remaining in this relationship, strict NC. This would mean she needs to leave her job immediately.
I even hate to ask this question... but your post brings it to the forefront for me... are you beyond sure your child is in fact "yours?" SH has posted here somewhere that he is personally aware of over 20 couples that the male is unknowingly raising the OM's baby.
I wish the best for your family.

Mr. C... just went back and read your story... wow... it answered my questions from above... I never assumed that she had the A while she was pregnant... I guess I am still stupid enough to be surprised by anything a WS is capable of. I just never say that coming.
Okay... that job or your W has got to go and go now. You can tap dance around this all you want... trying to be the nice guy and not demanding and that will get you absolutely nowhere. Take it from a man that tried the same things and was rewarded forever with the same old tired responses. Stand up and fight for your family. Even if the short term result is pissing off your W... fight... give her the chance to leave... if she does not.. expose, expose, expose. If your W cannot leave right now... then find a way to convince the OM scum bag that it is time for HIM to leave immediately. Sorry, but one of them needs to go now. Just my opinion.

I share that opinion but I've yet to find the strength to follow through on it. I did expose to OMW over the weekend. Story here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#3001460

I also told her over the weekend that one of them has to leave the job or we need to work on a written separation agreement. Hopefully I can back it up this time.

MrC, if you don't follow through on it, you will be damning yourself to a few more years of this crap. Count on it. If you had set down a firm boundary on this a long time ago, you would not be dealing with this TODAY.

I am not trying to beat you up, but it is important for you to see what is in your future if you waver AGAIN on this point. It will get you the SAME THING.



So, the correct question is: DO I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FACE A FEW MORE YEARS OF THIS AFFAIR?

Do you?

No, I don't. But we just started with SH and I'd like to give him some time to convince her.

ok, we are pulling for you. And I do have confidence that you have the strength to do what is necessary. Any guy who walks right in and exposes like you did is no wussy man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />