Hi All,

I just found these forums today and I've been browsing. A lot of what I'm reading seems to ring true to my situation. I'll try to give the short version of a long story and then fill in any gaps as requested.

I was the only man my WW had made love to in all of her 51 years. Our marriage has been up and down for many years now (together 35 years, married 31). Due to circumstances during the past year (son got married and moved out, issues surrounding the marriage, wife was dealing with my long-term depression for which I wasn't getting help at the time) she claimed that she didn't feel appreciated at home. She then stated that she wanted to volunteer at our local library to tutor English as a second language pupils. She said it would give her a chance to help other people and at the same time feel appreciated. She finally decided to tutor a young latino male in his early 20's. She reported to me that the library staff told her, "he's good looking, too". I was slightly uncomfortable with this but I didn't object because my wife had been going through at lot, i.e. empty nest syndrome beginning to set in and so forth.

This started last August. By January, I was starting to become suspicious, especially after my wife told me that her pupil couldn't continue with the program but she still had agreed to "help" him with anything he needed help on. Well, evidence of some kind of extra-ciricular involvement started to mount for me this January. I would wake up at night with this awful "feeling" in the pit of my stomach. She came home from "helping" him at 12:30AM on a work night and gave all kind of excuses why she was so late. She would tell me what a "nice" young man he is and how he always "shakes my hand, or whatever".

Finally, the evidence was overwhelming, but I had no direct proof of what was going on. On March 4 of this year, I finally got the WW to come forward and admit to her affair with the very young man. Now I know what the "whatever" meant.

It has been almost 2 months now since D-Day. We are both in IC and also in MC for 1 month. I was so shocked by this revelation that I immediately got help for my depression (as if I wasn't totally depressed before). The results have been truly amazing for me. I feel like I've been born all over again. I've changed my behaviors, my daily routines, my attitude toward her, just about EVERYTHING that I could think of that was missing from our marriage. All of this work (I know it's only 2 months but the transformation is amazing in my attitude toward life) has resulted in no efforts by my WW to do the hard work to restore our love for each other. I am willing to forgive but she says that she doesn't trust that I'm really better and that I need to earn HER trust back when she's the one who went outside the marriage. She has shown no remorse to date, no empathy for my feelings, will not commit to improving the marriage, and tells me that it will take her a long time to feel any connection with me again.

She did say that she wasn't going to see the OM starting on March 9, but I don't know if I believe that she has really ended it. We stayed in the same house for a while, but I finally realized that I was putting myself through needless agony by staying in close proximity to her. I can't for the life of me figure out why she is going to MC because she tells me that she doesn't know if she can ever give me the answers that I want to hear, i.e. repairing the marriage. She almost seems to be sabotaging any possibility of being a couple again. I moved out on April 19 but am still in the same city. When I moved out she said, "Can we at least meet for dinner sometimes?" I agreed to do this but after reading this forum today I wonder if I made the right decision in continuing to fill her needs by meeting her on occasion.

Should I go dark on Plan B at this point? I believe that she is still in a complete fog due to withdrawal symtoms from the OM.

On top of everything else, I found out the day after I moved out that I had a detached retina and had to have surgery last week. I'm doing well, but she hasn't made one unsolicited call to me to see how I'm doing. It's rather disturbing after being together for 35 years.

Please help and TYVM.

I think it is way too early for Plan B. You need to make your best effort in Plan A. Why did you move out? Can you move back in?

Agree with Traic. Move back in NOW.

She's in withdrawal man. Way, Way too soon for plan B. You should be in Plan A!!!

Read the infidelity FAQ's in my signature and read Everything you can on this site.

As my mother used to say when I asked for molasses on my pancakes:

"What do you mean mo' lasses? You ain't had NO lasses yet!

ditto MOVE BACK IN ASAP!!!!!

This child is nothing but an escape for her. Her drug of choice.

NO WAY WILL IT LAST!!

Right after you move back in, I recommend you find the young man and ask him to stay away from your wife. Calmly and only once. Afterwards, tell your wife you did this and ask her to cease all contact with him.

Then you and your wife devout yourselves to MC. Pour yourself into the terrific principles described on this site.

Do you have adult children? What is the state of their relationships with both you and your wife? Since you moved out - they know of problems, right? Have you described the specifics? You may need to to enlist their support.

I agree with everyone else. Move back in. You need to do a good Plan A for a couple more months, and be sure she has no contact with him.

I have some experience with Latino men, as I have several of them that are neighbors and friends. They have a way of treating women that is quite refreshing after American men. They are very respectful, and give lots of admiration. For them, a woman is a woman, no matter what the age.

I suggest that you treat your wife like you did when you were dating. After being married for so many years, all those behaviors have probably fallen by the wayside.

Your wife is probably going through a sort of mid-life crisis/empty nest syndrome, and this boy is fulfilling needs for her.

I think she does need to do some volunteer work, start a business, or something. But she should probably work with women.

Hi again,

Thanks so much for the responses so far!

I moved out because my WW said she needed some space. I tried to give her as much space as possible when in the same home, but it didn't seem to help. Why? Now I know after finding this site about the "withdrawal" issue. But then, I figured that I wasn't getting anywhere and so I decided that we both needed a breather to get our heads together. I was pushing too hard and she wasn't receptive. Really, I only plan to be gone a month or two at the most then move back in. I'm calling it a "time out" instead of a separation. After reading some posts here, though, I now fear that this time out is making it way too tempting for her to get back in the game with the OM. In fact, I'm noticing some odd behaviors from her via voice communications that are indicative of her behaviors when she was "tutoring" the OM. So, I'm obviously somewhat concerned at this point.

I don't think it would be a problem to move back in, but I fear that my WW would think that I was weak and can't be without her. She has made comments in the past that I have NEVER been on my own and went straight from my Mother's home to being married to her. She often comments that she has raised 3 sons instead of 2.

As I said we have 2 sons. One is still living at home. He's 23. Of course, they know of problems but that's it right now. No knowledge of the A. My oldest son might be a source to talk to his Mom about putting in an effort to repair the marriage, but I don't want to tell him about the A. The younger son isn't the type to approach his Mom on an issue like this (at least he has difficulty with anxiety problems and is on meds). My WW has a great relationship with both sons and adores them. She really has been a very good Mom. My relationship with them is a little more distant but pretty good. The distance is probably due to my depression, but I hope to improve my communication and interactions with them from here forward. My WW certainly thinks that's something she would like to see from me.

So, you all think that I shouldn't wait one more day to move back in?


Thanks and I could certainly use more feedback!

They all say they need space. It is right out of the cheaters handbook. In fact, around here, when we hear "need space", we automatically think AFFAIR.

Tell your wife that you will be moving back in to work on the marriage, and do it. She will most likely be angry, but will get over it when there is no contact.

ditto believer - move back in ASAP

Just show up. If you warn her she'll throw a fit and nasties will be spewed.

Your reasoning: We can't work on the marriage apart.

WAT

Thanks!

Here are some sample comments to me from WW:

1. If you're not comfortable, feel free to move on with your life.

2. I don't know who I am.

3. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

4. I wouldn't blame you if you left me.

5. I need time.

6. I can't have sex with you because I'm not feeling good about myself.

7. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get my self-esteem back so that I can be your wife again.

8. I'm not going to give you a lot of details about my A.

9. We need to be friends first before anything else could possibly happen.


Any of these sound familiar? Comments?

Familiar?

Do you mean as in "identical"?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Straight from the script.

WAT

And one more thing - WW's tend to want "space" so they can continue their affair without your interference. I want space means I want you out of my face so I can screw OM without you knowing about it.

Yes WW's always want space to continue their affair without your interference. On the other hand, you probably were pushing too hard as you already stated. Read SAA, study this site, understand the guidelines and goals of Plan A and follow them. I have made every mistake there is in Plan A so have become somewhat of an expert in what doesn't work. Pushing too hard is definitely a bad idea. You cannot force your WW back to the marriage and to you. That has to be her choice. She needs time to clear her head of this fog. Move in and truly start to work on your marriage but according to the guidelines you will find on this site.

Thanks, and oh, here are a few more tidbits from the WW to me:

1. Why can't you just go with the flow?

2. Why do you have to over-analyze everything?

3. Why can't you just take what I say at face value? (yes, she really did say this!)

Comments?

I will move back in ASAP, but I'm recovering from my eye surgery and getting help that I don't think the WW would give me right now, so I have to wait about 6 more days until I'm cleared by the surgeon to drive again. That's ASAP for me, unfortunately.

LOL,

Sorry. She is reading from the script. You have a lot to learn so read and study SAA and read these threads. Just remember that no words that come out of her mouth right now are the truth. She is lying to herself as well as you. Move back in. Don't worry about this tripe she spouts. It means nothing. It is SOOOOO typical.

Okay, another concern:

My WW revealed to me on D-Day that she had been having intercourse with both me and the OM during the same time frame (1-3 months) that was unprotected (at times with him and always with me). I went to get tested for STDs IMMEDIATELY. Luckily, my tests came back normal, but I intend to get tested again just to make sure in another couple of months.

She, however, has NOT gone to get tested yet (to my knowledge) as of a week and a half ago. She keeps saying "I probably should get tested" or something to that effect.

Is this type of behavior or lack thereof from the script also?

One more thing I would like feedback on:
She told me that the OM never ejaculated when having intercourse with her unprotected. Can't say that I really believe this comment. Is this one from the script, too?

Thanks in advance!

Sadly, the infidels hardly ever use any kind of protection. When they become cheaters, their brains fall out of their heads.

As far as the ejaculation, it could be true, but it doesn't matter. She has been exposed to bodily fluids and needs to get tested.

These type statements could be indicative of denial.

She doesn't want to believe yet that she did these things or she's simply attempting to minimize her actions.

"Never ejaculated"? Yea, right.

Wanna buy a bridge?

I recommend you stop trying to analyze whether she's typical or not. She is!!! And so are you! And this is good news - because it means everythig you learn here is applicable to your case.

WAT
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In my book, kissing is touching, and that's a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Physical Affair (with apologies to Meredith Willson).