Hi! I have recently addressed my suspicions to husband and was met with truth or denial - how do I know, I only have evidence to suspect?
Things just don't add up to me. He received a text on his birthday in Feb which he did not mention, than called that person as soon as he left the house later that day.
Recently, there was a call to that person at 6:19 a.m. on his way to pick up equipment and bring back home. I find that he was gone an extra hour (not damning I know) and I don't call my friends at 6:00 a.m. - I don't care who they are out of sheer respect.
So I brought up who is J.? Friend from high school I talk to several times a year why don't you call her blah blah. I did, from his phone and she hung up on me. After telling him this, there was some explanation for it - truth or lie?
I called her again the next day and felt better after talking to her - but as I go over the information - the pit in my gut returns.
This came to light 4 days ago - hub acted normal. Last night hub acted so distant, and I hate to say it but sad. But I don't know if I am reading him wrong? He went and hid in his hole after dinner, and came out later and I could almost say he was crying - his eyes looked weird - but may have been tired - and he was sniffing a bit. I of course immediately think - is it because of her? Did she break it off? etc etc etc
I have read the advice to watch and wait - my question is, when can I bring this up with him again? I am trying to table it and let it run its course but I hate that as it is eating at me. I'm not sure what steps to take next.....what do you do in the time before you get to the truth?

He is not going to tell you the truth. You have to get the truth yourself, most likely. Do that by putting a voice recorder or a GPS in his car. If he speaks on landlines, then record his calls with a wiretap. Check out the cell phone bill can see who he is talking to. Can you find out who the woman is?

In the meantime, I would get the book Surviving an Affair, which will help you understand the dynamics of an affair. You can order it on this website fairly cheap.

Is she married?

Yep, all the signs are there, I am sorry to say.

Do not believe the denials - from either of them.

Get hot on Plan A, read the links in my sig line below.

How old are each of you and do you have children together? How long married?

Hi IcePrincess and welcome to MB. Your story sounds very similar to the way mine started. My H was in the shower and his cell phone rang late at night. I figured it was his brother, since he's the only one rude enough to violate normal calling hours. Funny thing, it was from a woman named "K". (I had never heard this name before.) I immediately felt a chill up my spine, but decided to keep quiet. (That's really not enough evidence to prove anything.) I was lucky like you, and found this MB site early, before I "revealed" anything to the H. It took me three he!!ish months, including snooping through his stuff, checking cell phone records, checking his computer, and even putting a voice-activated recorder in his private area. Sounds kinda crazy, but think about it this way--if he's innocent, you'll know without a doubt. Even with the mountain of evidence I collected, when I finally decided to have the big "D-day chat" with him, it went something like this...Me: We need to talk about you and "K." Him: Who?
Me: You know, the woman you've been having an A with. Him: Uhhhmmmm...I don't know what you're talking about....
Well, I slammed down over two inches of evidence, and said, "let's just skip that part, and start talking about where we go from here."
See? This kept him from needing to drive the A underground to hide it from me. I already knew way more than enough. Saved us months of back-and-forth that happens when you tell the WS too early about your suspicions.
I hope the Wonderings respond to you...they were very helpful to me in the early discovery of my situation. Melody, Pep, and Believer will probably reinforce what I'm saying, too. "If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck." Good luck, and keep coming back here. These folks really know what's going on...they'll give you some great first-hand advice, and I'd suggest taking it all!!!

Nicely done. Very nicely done. A model confrontation scheme.

WAT

Hey Girl,
glad you made it over here.

You'll get a lot of support here. Mel is right. You need go into super sleuth mode and fid out all you can.

If you find out he is a WH(wayward husband) keep in mind- he is not the man you married. He is in the fog. They are not capable of truth.

Read up on Plan A and get going on it.

Take the Emotional Needs Questionaire. If he will not take his part, take it for him so you know which needs to meet. Now, just after your surgery, some of those may be difficult for you to meet. However, you can meet them in some manner. I know right now domestic support is suffering around here, but I did manage to sweep the floors yesterday- a little bit is going a long way these days. I can't go to his ballgames so recreational companionship is suffering. I sure am an avid listener when he tells me all about the game when he gets home. Just make it work for you, ya know.

hang in there, girl.

Oh man - thanks for the quick responses. I know her full name - he thinks I know her first name only. I don't get cell phone bills for that phone cuz its cricket - so I check it daily.
I am 38, he is 44 we have an almost 4 year old together. He has 3 older kids from first marriage and I have an 8 year old from previous marriage.
I decided to have our conversation in calm instead of anger because when we were fighting earlier that morning - I almost picked up his phone and told her to come get him because I didn't want him anyway.
I said we need to talk. He said Okay almost as if he was expecting it.
Me - Who is J?
Him - I know one J. in the world and its a friend I talk to a couple times a year?
Me - Why do you call her behind my back?
Him - I don't mean to - we just talk
I can't remember things verbatum enough to dialogue but he had just talked to her 2 or 3 days before.
A little background, I had a hysterectomy at the beginning of April. He said to the text that he didn't even know if he called her that day - it was probably a couple days later. He said that she called during my surgery to see if I was okay. (nice empathetic touch liar). When I asked why he called her at 6 in the a.m. he said probably because I knew she was up. Than later added detail that she had heard he had a grandbaby and was teasing him.
When I called her I made a point to mention my surgery to see if she would naturally say "yeah I heard about that" and she didn't. I also made a point to say "well I hope I get to meet you someday" which the natural innnocent answer to that would be "I hope to meet you too.". She said "uh, you never know it could happen".
I just went and had a little cry and sent him a text that said "I know you are lying to me about J. and we cannot go forward until you get honest with yourself and me". I know its not going to get it out but its like the telltale heart, it will eat at his conscious.
I also know they will try to cover it up better but I just couldn't handle the hypocrasy on my part.
I will check into the tracking devices mentioned - if you can recommend something I appreciate it.
P.S. Got the referecne to this site from Hystersisters.com - small cyber world?
Thank you for your support! I appreciate it.

oh, btw,
I saw your post on WAT's thread for betrayed spouses.

Mine never brought up anything from the past. He never put any blame on me at all and still doesn't.

Mine never said he wasn't in love with me.

He had an affair with his old girlfriend from high school. It was an EA that turned physical one time.

Moveforward - you move fast! =) It is a small cyberworld, I will heed the advice to supersleuth and try to shut my big mouth. Probably the good Lord's way of teaching me self control.
Thanks!

Moveforward - thanks again...and again...
P.S. The day he went and got equipment they got back after 8:00 a.m., I just checked our employees timecard and it said 7:30 a.m. I asked hub about it because I told him I was sure they started after 8:00 a.m. He was stumped a minute then insisted that he got equipment at 7:00 a.m. and was back at 7:30 a.m.
The other thing I'm sure you all have felt - is suddenly I look at this person, as if he is a total stranger and I never did know him.

Don't say this anymore. Truth is, you don't have enough information to nail him.

I suggest you appear to drop it like a hot potato. Appear to believe his denials. DO NOT MENTION AN AFFAIR AGAIN. All the while you become a detective. Do a search on her name in Yahoo People Search or similar tool and find out her address. Then search for last names only at the same address. If a man's name shows up - bingo! Tell us so we can help you to start planning to expose to him.

No it won't. It'll eat at his paranoia and he'll just go deeper underground.

Do not expect normal, rational behavior from him. Do not believe a word he says.

WAT

WAT its like be slapped out of delirium! Thats so what I need. I wish I would have waited for your posts before melting down.
I have the address - I have driven by and seen the house. More background - I had the suspicious number so I went into my hub's (we are not actually married but I've always called him that) address book to find out more. I found the cell number and a home number ....under a man's name. I used the home number on the net to get the address. It crossed my mind that possibly he knew her and him as a couple. I have looked up the man's name in the book and he is listed with another woman, possibly remarried.
One step further - I took the home address to the county website to look up and see who owns the house. Both names are listed as owning the house and they have owned it for 19 years. I did this in case she was renting because then the web address might not be good. The 19 years I think is indicative that they are high school friends.
Thanks again!

P.S. again - he has blamed my "insecurity" on my hysterectomy - well that goes 2 ways - I can blame my meltdown on that too. =)

By the by - when he calls and asks about my text message - what do I say now?

WAT is right, STOP asking him if he is having an affair. As you can SEE, it gets you NOTHING.

Don't ASK, but TELL. Find out the facts and TELL him you KNOW about his affair. Asking him is a WASTE of time because he is not going to bust himself.

Go back and read imanotherone's post. She did it exactly right. Gather your evidence and find out what is really happening all on your own.

OK, ya gotta plan on spilling the beans to her husband. But you need hard evidence. Summarize what hard evidence you have right now. By hard evidence, I mean stuff you can show or give to her husband.

WAT

"It was a weak moment. Probably related to __________ (fill in the blank). Nevermind."

Possible fillers:
my hysteria <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
something I saw on Oprah
something I saw on CSI <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

or, if you're REALLY adventurous > something J told me

OK, maybe not the J one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Ok - I'm getting my gameface back on. Whew! This sucks! =)
I have done a little poking around about gps and digital voice recorders. I need a voice recorder that I can put in his truck. Also, we own a business together so he is on the phone a lot. If I understand it right, it should pick up all of his conversations right?
I don't think he will call her for from his phone for awhile anyway but I suspect he may use our employees phone so I will have to count on the recorder.
Anyway - I will take the EA like suggested. I'm so grateful for your support. And if I may dump, my mother said she is sure that it is all a misunderstanding and I should just make sure and do those things that made him fall in love with me in the first place. There - I had no where to dump that - thanks for loaning me the space.

She's both right and wrong. Guess which is which. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

I hear what you are saying and agree.
And, I don't think she is still married.
She did tell me that she has a boyfriend - and I so wish I would have said does he know about S.? (my hub)
How do I find out where she works? for timeframe, not stalking
And how do I get in touch with the boyfriend?