OK, I guess I misunderstood the married sitch.

The names on the deed are hers (OW) and her (possibly) former husband?

"Former" husband has a listing with another woman's name at a different address?

But he still owns the house with OW?

Yep, before you do anything related to exposure, you better sort this out somehow.

WAT

Crossed my mind that the other name on the deed could also be her father but I dont' think so. And maybe she is divorcing and they haven't quit claimed yet.
Basically, before my meltdown I told hub that I would take him at his word and we need to work on things. On that guise, should I present the EA to him?

I don't understand what you mean by "EA."

WAT

Sorry, not so good at lingo - I meant to say the emotional questionnaire.

It might be too early for the EN questionaire. You gotta feel your way with him.

At most, "Honey, I found a good questionaire that should help us figure out what things we need to work on in our relationship. Wanna see it?"

If he says no, you reply, "OK, maybe some other time!" DO NOT PUSH!

In the meantime you fill out the questionaire twice - once as yourself and again as you might think your H would fill it out. Work on the ENs you recognize you may have been lacking in previously - to the extent he'll let you.

WAT

WAT thanks for being my "safety buddy" this a.m. Maybe I can be a better human today. At least, for an hour or two. I thank you for your advice - have to get kid to school so will probably be back later.
The red flag in all of this - as I come out of denial - is sure making me realize my new defects as a person. It is humbling. I get tired of re-growing up - but then I guess its just time to die after that.
Thank you all so much for today, and thank you in advance for your future support and advice! xoxoxox

My pleasure, Icy.

Please do not act on my advice alone. I'm a rank amateur. You can't go wrong working with one of the MB counselors if you have the $$. In any event, read alot on this forum because you'll pick up tid bits from just about everyone's story.

WAT

Couple more thoughts, IP.
First, I must know why you picked your screen name--something you think you are, or something you think your H thinks you are? Just curious if your self esteem is ok.

Reason I ask is this...if your self-esteem is low now, brace yourself. It's gonna get lower. Try to do whatever you can to feel good about YOU. They hysterectomy is going to cause a lot of hormonal issues, even with HRT. In one way this is good...you can blame any lovebusters on the "raging hormones."

Secondly, I remember asking my H a few questions about "K" early on, like you did. Once I saw I didn't have the evidence, I went further undercover than he did. You almost want to go into Plan A, without really telling him what you are doing. Kill him with kindness, if you can stomach it. I assure you, a month or two of agony will be much better than a drawn out back-and-forth on whether the A exists. DO NOT TELL YOUR H ABOUT THIS SITE...NOT YET.

Keep collecting whatever you can, receipts, tracking odometer on the truck, maybe innocent calls on the cell phone. I actually stopped calling my H while he was away, so he didn't think I was suspicious. Gave him enough rope to run around without covering his tracks.

Even when you are angry, DO NOT LET ON THAT YOU STILL SUSPECT. If you do, he will go deeper in the hole. If you do any searches on your computer, be sure to erase your history so your H doesn't find out that you are looking. Write down everything, and keep your log book hidden well.

One thing I did was follow the money. Affairs cost money, at least early on. Folks want to wine and dine, and go to special places. This costs cash. Watch for ATM withdrawls or credit card statements. Save copies. Affairs also require time. Look for missing blocks of time, between work and home. Find out if your H makes calls from home (maybe using his cell) late at night or early in the am. If he does, find out where he likes to sit--in the livingroom? den? bathroom? outside? Put your voice activated recorder THERE. Trust me, it won't take long to have all the evidence you need.

I think you said you have a 4 year old? Does he take the child out alone? If so, your child is old enough to answer some innocent questions, like, "Honey, when you were at the playground, did anyone come up and talk to you and Daddy?" "Was Daddy on the phone for a long time while you were out?" Amazing the stuff your kids pick up, which seems totally innocent to them, but will add fuel to your evidence.

In the long run, I found it more respectful this way, since it prevented my H from insulting my intelligence any more by denying what we all knew was happening. Just remember, the more you find out, the more you can "bluff" out of your H later, too. Keep it up...we're here to support you.

Thanks for the info Imanotherone - As for my name, It is a nickname of sarcasm that I have had because I couldn't be further from that! The only reason I picked it is because I kept signing up and all the names I could think of were taken. =) I should have thought a little harder considering the subject matter!

I appreciate your advice. There is nothing more I could say to him anyway because when he called about my text I was bawling my guts out already. I did manage to say that if it turns out to be true then we are done in that instant - at this point, you have a chance to come clean and work on it.

There is good advice from AA that says "look but don't stare". I am trying to take that at this point because this is consuming me and I am shirking on my duties. I am wondering if my hormones are going lulu on me - and thats how I got here anyway, the hysterectomy site told me about this site. =)

I keep in mind there was only 2-3 calls that I know of over the course of 2-3 months. I would think an affair would be a little more active than that - but than again thats just the info I know about. Also, significant things happened in that time - a call for his birthday, and a grandbaby being born. So those are legitimate reasons.


Anyway - I will keep my neck hairs up on red alert - and in the meantime work on the problems that we do have as well. And hope, upon hope for the best.

I thank you and will be back here for my next breakdown! =)
Don't knock the iceprincess - she might chip! =) lol

Hey, Ice, Ice, Baby....
Glad to hear you don't see yourself as Ice or Princess...that helps a bunch.
My first suspicion happened with a single phone call, and silence for at least another month. I read a book about self defense not long ago, which says that humans still have an incredible sense when something is wrong. Trouble is, most of us spend our whole lives learning to ignore our autonomic reflexes and act less "primative." I'm sure many of us on this site ignored our autonomic reflexes, and either missed the signs of an A, or discounted them. Facts are these: Strange woman, contact at very strange hours of the day, very awkward exchange between you and W, and lot's of evasiveness and defensiveness by the H. I'm going to go back to when I first posted here, almost a year ago, and I'm going to bet that I said the same thing. In fact, I remember even posting a survey: Is he cheating on me or not? Sure, there is a remote chance that this is a very strange set of coincidences that 10 years from now you will all laugh about. Unfortunately, as others on this site can tell you, prepare for the worst. Even if your intervention has caused them to end the EA or PA, the root causes for the event have not changed. Under the right circumstances, you will likely find yourself here again, with a 2-time WS. Keep us posted--we are not all jaded and paranoid (although I thought everyone was, when I started getting my early responses!) This is from the school of hard knocks.

thank you for the good advice! I think you are so right that we learn to turn off our instincts! I keep mulling over different things for things that I have missed.
Thank you for giving me a timeline from your experience, that will help me get my guard back up. And you are right - the root causes are there.
And what all technical devices did you use?
Odometer won't work for me because he drives from job to job to job. He doesn't get odd calls at home but may well get them at work. (construction)
Also, I am looking for a second frequent number that they may be using now.
So thanks again! Familiar with the school of hard knocks - just wished I would have graduated already. =)

iceprincess,

Welcome to MB. I'm fairly new here but can tell you the people that have been helping me and will help you are second to none!! You have found a great place for help.

I agree with eveyone about collecting evidence before the confrontation. You, in a sense, are lucky. A lot of us BSs were blindsided. You actually have the opportunity to blindside the WS. I wish that was my case.

Here is a thread on spying. I hope you find it helpful.

--CO


spying 101

I went to Radio Shack and bought the cheapest voice-activated digital tape recorder I could find. I hid it in different places, and bought a huge supply of batteries. Some have detachable mic's that you can put in better listening positions. Worst thing is to get caught, though. Mine had a little LED light on it, and I did a lot of my surveillance at night, so I covered the little light with masking tape. You have to try to think several steps ahead. Does your H use the computer? There are devices called keyloggers that you can use to track their movement, if they have passwords on their email and such. My H travels a lot, too, and it would have been easy to cover his odometer tracks, but you can still look for missing blocks of time. Was it raining one day, but he was still at the "job site?" BS!
Have you seen some of the other symptoms? Is he "grooming" more than usual? New underwear? New shirt? Check laundry and the bottom of the truck for receipts. Just remember, there's no such thing as a perfect crime...the evidence is there, if the crime is there. You are not crazy, even if this turns out to be a wild goose chase.

IP,

I have done plenty of research on this stuff thanks to my own insecurity 'and being a geek". heres a link this might help you out.

SPYING 101

Thanks for the links about the spying - I think the only other choice I have is to get the phone recorder for the car. Also, regarding GPS I found a very expensive $650.00 one that had live info - but also an antenna on top of the car! So on that note, I was glad to find one for around $250.00 about the size of a lighter that you plug in to your USB port for reports. I haven't gone to that step yet. I am a litte leary about the quality of the reports from the cheaper one.
I was posting on my original post of this - and one advantage that I have is that "her" house is about 5 minutes from his Mom's house. If he stops off when he is supposed to be picking up kids that gives me a timeline.
You all have helped me to be able to relax, and still seek the truth - and trust that the truth will reveal itself. I am very grateful for that. Thanks so much for the advice and support!

Hey...along the lines of spying, another thing I do is hub has a phonecard that I gave him for out of town use. I have a different one - I wrote down his password/secret code and check the minutes now and again to see if he is using it.

He will be working out of town more and more - we also have verizon cell phones with a national plan now but he wouldn't dare call her from that phone because it would show up on a bill. (non-cricket phone).

Food for thought....

IP,

I've heard some of these mini devices you are referring to are terrible. They loose signal easy. I would hate to see you waste money.

If you do get to the point you need a device. Here is one I have heard nothing but good things about. For about the same price.

GPS TRACKING ON EBAY

Hi! JKT thanks for the info - after sitting on the fence I ordered this today as "his foolishness" has been keeping his cell phones in his truck. Not hiding anything? Really? Thanks for the tip - I wanted something reputable.
P.S. I have changed my name to Half Full - I am the artist formerly known as the IceprincessIII =).

quick question...where do you get the voice activation device and how much does it cost. How do you choose where to put it.