Ok, no surprises here. My attorney strongly advises that I do not leave the home. He said we could file for separation, but doesn't recommend that right now. If my wife has received papers from her attorney, he said let's wait and see what she's going to do, then we can play our cards. He thinks it might be a good idea for us to either get her deposition or the OM's, but we can't do that until after filing.

I went to IC after meeting with the attorney. He recommended that I do nothing. He said he'd rather have my wife struggling then me. His point is that she needs to deal with this and she hasn't done that yet. By doing nothing I am putting the ball in her court and forcing her to do something and maybe deal with her own issues.

But your W is not struggling. YOU ARE. She is happy as a lark with the way things are. She has you to take care of the house, pay the bills, and babysit while she runs around like a single woman having fun.

What does your IC think she has to "deal with?"

So, you don't mind the status quo?

Grove,

I am not sure I agree with Mel's assessment. You have put the divorce in play. She has the papers. She is talking to an attorney. She does have to face this and make a decision.

I like your attorney's advice and that of your IC. You made the opening gambit. It is her turn to move. Be patient, but careful.

God Bless,

JL

I agree with your attorney that you should not leave your home. JL is right: the ball in her court...for now.

ok, what am I missing here? What would motivate his wife to take ANY ACTION at all if she is perfectly happy with the status quo? What would change if she is perfectly happy with it all? How will she be "forced" to deal with anything if no one forces her?

What am I missing?

Mel,

My point is that Grove should not leave the home. If he does he will be at a huge disadvantage legally with respect to custody, especially since his WW has not signed the separation agreement he proposed to her. Even if she signs it, if Grove really wants custody, he should not leave the home. Let the court decides custody. He should not undermine his case ex ante.

By staying home, it does not follow that Grove is not doing anything. Grove gave WW the separation proposal, a step he should have taken a long time ago, but a step nonetheless. She should know by now that he is serious. And if WW just sit on it, Grove will have to formally file for separation or divorce as his attorney suggested. His WW then will have to make a move.

I don’t see a problem for Grove to wait a little bit and see what his WW does. The problem would be if Grove does not follow through if his WW does not respond at all to his action. Given Grove’s history that is a real possibility. But here is hoping that Grove has grown up and has developed somewhat of a backbone by now.

To recap, waiting for a short time will not hurt Grove much. He should just not use his preliminary action as an excuse to not follow through later on. So I agree with his lawyer that he should not leave the home and that he should just sit back and see what happens…FOR NOW.

ok, this is where he is at NOW. She is SITTING ON IT. She does NOT KNOW that he is "serious." Grove has been waiting for a LONG TIME. She took his seperation proposal and stuffed it in her purse unopened. She has NOT RESPONDED because she does not HAVE TO. She wants the situation to stay as it is so she is NOT GOING to ever respond unless and until she has to.

As it is now, nothing will ever happen. They will just live like this indefinitely until they die. And GT will come on here and explode about his poor lot in life about once a month.

All because he would never take any action because everyone told him "oh no, don't leave your home!"

So, what will change next week? Next month? What am I missing here?

Grove, is your wife COMPELLED BY LAW to respond to your action? Is that the point I am missing here?

If this is so, by what time does she have to respond? What happens if she does not and what kind of division have you requested?

Ah Mel,

I think the point is, she has legal papers. Grove doesn't have to do anything. He can let his lawyer put pressure on her lawyer, who puts pressure on her. Grove doesn't have to do a thing except stay in the house and by his presence put pressure on her.

You are right Mel, she needs pressure put on her. I just think that Groves lawyer can and should be the one to apply the pressure right now.

God Bless,

JL

Mel,

I had like a couple of weeks in mind. In any event, Grove should not leave his home.

I am not sure that the three of us disagree here.

JL, his presence puts no pressure on her at all. She is very happy to have him there to take out the trash and babysit while she carries on the single life. I agree that would be a good idea to put pressure on her. But that has not happened thus far. She received papers, put them in her purse, and went about her business and forgot them.

In the meantime, GT loses his mind a little more every day. And she is happy as a lark to have someone there to take out the trash!

Mel,

First off, I want to tell you that I value and respect your opinion and I believe strongly that you always have everyone's best interest in your heart. But in this case I respectfully disagree with you here (not completely, but at least in respect to the fact that I am once again being a doormat). I may not be doing this exactly right, but I am doing the best that I can and unfortunately my situation no longer follows any MB guidelines (that I’m aware of). I spoke to both Dr. Harley (for 5 minutes on his radio show) and later I spoke to Steve Harley. When everyone was telling me on the board to go to plan b, Steve was telling me not to. When Dr. Harley recommended divorce (and other’s on the board), Steve said to hold off. I’ve received a lot of conflicting advice throughout this past year, and trying to decipher which one is the best course for me to take has been mind-boggling.

So what do I know now? I know that my wife is still trying to live a double life. She wants both the single life and the married life. Yes, as long as I am home she is getting needs filled and that is keeping her from feeling the effects of her actions, but it might also be partly what has kept her from signing the papers. She’s conflicted, just as I am. I also know that I should have been more aggressive in exposing the affair to the school. One anonymous phone call to the Head of HR to find out the school’s policy was stupid. Had a called the principle and the superintendent I am now sure that something would have been done. I allowed my wife to bully me into submission about this and I was scared and embarrassed of the possible outcome.

Also, my WW is not happy, she is miserable. I came home to her crying yesterday. She says she is just trying to take it one day at a time and hopefully her feelings for me will return. She says that she does love me, but that she doesn’t want to spend her life paying for her mistake. She believes that changing jobs, not going out with her girlfriends to the bars, ending her friendship with the person who helped keep the affair alive, etc . . . is paying for her mistake. I believe it is rebuilding trust and respect so that we can move forward towards a new and hopefully better life together. She swears the affair is over and that she will never cheat on me again. She says that she can’t even look at the OM because she’s embarrassed because of what “I DID.” She claims I over-reacted to the whole thing! She’s in denial, I honestly think she’s convinced herself that most of the stuff she did wasn’t wrong. All she really admits to now is “making phone calls.”

So what am I doing? I guess it’s more about what I’m not doing; I'm not giving her any reason to blame me for her being miserable. More importantly, I'm spending everyday with my daughter!

Whether I stay married or not, she needs to deal with her issues and part of that is realizing that I'm not at the center of all of her problems. She’s responsible for her own actions and decisions.

Also, she is not compelled to respond to the divorce papers I gave her, as of right now. I've given some thought to a time table and I thought a couple weeks sounded about right. Let's see what she does. I’ve given my wife the divorce papers, she’s gone to her attorney and had new papers drawn up, we’ve looked at them together. We’ve cried about the horror of getting a divorce and then we argued about our differences again. It’s a vicious circle we are stuck in.

I think a little breathing room might be in order.

I'm open to other opinions and options . . .

Hey GT, if you are happy with the status quo, then what is the point? I thought you wanted something to change and apparently you don't. Obviously, I misunderstood and thought you wanted something to change. But you and I both know nothing will change unless you do something DIFFERENT.
Doing the same thing for year after year will avail you the exact same results.

So, please understand where I was coming from. I was under the impression [wrongheaded] that you wanted a change.

UVA, just as I thought, she is not compelled to respond to the divorce papers. She has stuck them in her purse and has no reason to respond.

I'm sorry Mel; I must not be saying this right. What part of this makes you think I am happy with the status quo???

I know you believe that not all marriages should be saved. Do you believe my situation fits that category?

If I understand you correctly, you're saying file now, don't wait. Please spell it out for me. Why not wait a little longer?? What do you believe is the "pay-off" for filing now and not waiting?

GT, if you do nothing to CHANGE the status quo, then that means you have ACCEPTED IT, no? If you continue to do the SAME THING, you will get the SAME result.

I was under the impression that you were fed up and wanted something to CHANGE. I see now that is NOT the goal here. The pay off for filing NOW, is that it would incent CHANGE.[and probably wake her up] A change in ACTION, would cause a CHANGE in result. And that is what I thought you were seeking. Apparently, I was WRONG.

If you can endure the status quo longer, then I say go for it! Wait forever!

I was under the impression that having divorce papers written up and signing them was doing something. We faxed them to her attorney to review and for her to sign. 3 months later, nothing's happened, until last week when she showed me the papers that her attorney wrote up.

Also, I have, on a weekly basis, asked my wife what was going on with the divorce and stated if this was the "best" she had to offer, that she should go ahead and sign the papers. I can not and will not go through another year of her working with the OM. I think you are correct that she doesn't believe I will follow through.

Mel, please understand, my attorney believes that waiting for her response is the right thing to do.

Mel, can you give me something I can do right now differently that doesn't require filing for divorce?

GT, as you can see, just having the papers written up has caused nothing to happen. And here you are 3 months later. The status quo has not changed.

What is your attorney waiting FOR? What does he believe will change, if anything? Nothing has changed in 3 months, why does he believe anything will change now?

I know of nothing you can do differently outside of filing for D. Everything has already been tried. I agree wiht Dr. Harley, that you should divorce her.

The best offense is a good defense. We made the first move, waiting to see what her next move is, will allow us to make a more informed decision on how to proceed.

Making the next move without any idea what the other person is doing, might lead to more problems.

Personally, I just wanted to see what she was going to do. If she goes for custody and child support, then the gloves are off.