I don't believe that you can make any poster here do or think anything...I'm not asking you to talk to me because of what you say to others...you're sharing your truth. I get that.

I want to know where your truth comes from...why you're choosing this perspective and these beliefs:

"I am so sorry for you pain. You have all of this love and kindness that you gave to the wrong person. Imagine in the future when you are able to give all of this love and kindness to the right person. You were a whole person before you met her and will be a whole person afterwards. Your good live is right around the corner."

This was from last year...do you still believe in right and wrong people?

"If she is cheating she will lie to you. I would have gotten the phone number of this guy and keep it. I am always amazed at spouses who marry a person who has a record of always cheating in their previous relationships and they then are surprised when they get cheated on. If a person has a moral character defect why would it disappear?"

You are logical, yet unreasonable. In marriage, there are two parts of growth...two weights of ownership...yet I see in your posts only one side...without ownership...emphasizing the BS is being done to and their crime was in selection, which I read as choose better, protect yourself, you know the signs...do you believe we really can protect ourselves, as humans, in life?

"By the way studies I have read previously indicate that a spouse that cheats is far more at risk cheating again that a spouse that has never cheated. I would suggest strongly marriage counseling to understand exactly why your spouse made a deliberate choice to engage in cheating, lying and betraying you."

This is solid advice about understanding the whys, the WS owning their choices...yet, for all who are here and are working on saving their marriages, they ask why? Why would I do this if my spouse will do it again? It raises fear up which affects everything...and I don't see where it shows humans learn, grow and change from their experiences. What is your belief behind this comparison of statistics and enrichment?

"This was very serious what she has done to you and your marriage. A serious examination is in order to understand why this happened and why it should never happen again. Sweeping it under the rug saying "oh well it just happened and I promise it will not happen again" is ridiculous. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would accept such a statement from you? You are believing everything she is telling you because you want to believe it. Again things just don't happen without deliberate choices being made."

Again, solid advice for introspection and awareness...and I quoted you here because of a theme I noticed, of reversing roles, you often perscribe to emphasize your point. How has reversing worked in your life?

"Letting her go off and enjoy a relationship with her lover knowing that she can come back when she is tired of him is in fact enabling her to enjoy her fantasy without any consequences. Do you really think she would be so accepting if the roles were reversed?"

Again, this is for your reversed query...how do we measure our actions and choices by what others would or would not do? By their feelings and reactions?

"Just a quick question but do you think she is the only woman on earth for you? You have tried for 2 years and you are miserable. Is this how you wish to live your life? You always have choices now and in the future. What are you afraid of? I wish you luck."

I hear you saying that others are responsible for our misery...that the choice to remain in misery is ours, but the misery comes in at us from another person? I do hear how you asked this poster to face their fear, their own fear.

"If my ex-wife had shown just 1 percent of what you have been showing in attempting recovery I never would have gotten divorced. I guarantee you that most of the betrayed spouses would have given anything to see their wayward spouses act the way you have been acting. It is sad so few act this way and even sadder that your husband does not seem to offer you a chance. I wish you luck."

"From what you describe it sounds like you would be much better moving on and finding someone who can respect you and the concept of family. Your husband is not this person. Your husband's lack of values and loyalty would make it very difficult for you to ever trust this man ever. I wish you luck."

Is it your belief that values cannot be chosen, beliefs replaced, new perspectives chosen and loyalty allowed?

"Allowing her to remain married to you and screw your stepfather at will is a totally losing proposition. How can you not see this?"

I believe you have been giving harsh truth to show truth...but assuming that a poster can't see this truth, and calling it a totally losing proposition...I don't see where the wake-up truth is supposed to take the poster? Then again, I don't see the reasoning in DJing a poster to demonstrate how they DJ.

"If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would be as accepting of all of this babble from you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Unfortunately for you her actions speaks volumes. Again if the roles were reversed, would she accept such words from you? Have you both been tested for STD's? Sorry but these are the consequences of affairs. By the way, what have been the consequences to her cheating and betraying of you and your marriage? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Exposure is the key. Without exposure what kind of a message are you sending her? This is now her second affair. Do you see a pattern? There were no consequences to her first affair so why are you doing the same thing after this second affair? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Is this what you believe...that exposure is about sending a message, consequences are to change the other person, judging actions, and you retain the focus on the WS, not the BS...as if you stand beside them, looking at the WS, and not at themselves, their choices, though you are asking them to choose differently. I would like to understand this...

"Does she have any fear that you have no intention in staying in a marriage with a spouse that continually cheats and or disrespects and humiliates her husband? One last time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck."

Are you suggesting to motivate a WS through fear? I do understand no motivation to change comes from no realization of consequences...would you consider that consequences exist, all the time, but the realization of those consequences, hence motivation, is what resides outside of a BS's control?

I see you as compassionate, dedicated and concerned...you don't have a thread...and your posts only go back 250 which is just to July of last year...I don't see your story...only in the one post where if your wife had been even 1% remorseful, you would have stay married.

Appreciate your time--am hoping to grow from it,

LA